1
00:00:00,480 --> 00:00:01,022
(henry rollins) Gag.

2
00:00:01,022 --> 00:00:03,190
I wanna go *prrfttgh prfhhthffh prrrgggh*

3
00:00:03,190 --> 00:00:03,878
on the way.

4
00:00:03,878 --> 00:00:04,939
But no,

5
00:00:04,939 --> 00:00:06,921
so I'm very angry when I'm there

6
00:00:06,921 --> 00:00:08,620
'cuz there's no one to talk to.

7
00:00:08,620 --> 00:00:10,116
And if you're a guy who likes girls

8
00:00:10,116 --> 00:00:11,150
you wanna go out on a date,

9
00:00:11,150 --> 00:00:12,697
and sometimes you want a real date.

10
00:00:12,697 --> 00:00:15,317
You don't wanna abduct these chicks like 
you're used ta doing.

11
00:00:15,317 --> 00:00:17,624
You know you're tired of rufies and duct tape

12
00:00:17,624 --> 00:00:18,450
every saturday night.

13
00:00:18,450 --> 00:00:19,463
You want a real date.

14
00:00:19,463 --> 00:00:20,962
Ya want a real date.

15
00:00:20,962 --> 00:00:22,821
And so I'm one of those horrible men

16
00:00:22,821 --> 00:00:26,304
who judges women by the most shallow criterion.

17
00:00:26,304 --> 00:00:29,868
Umm... don't ever try to judge a woman or anybody

18
00:00:29,868 --> 00:00:32,442
by asking them their top three records,

19
00:00:32,442 --> 00:00:34,620
top five foreign films of all time.

20
00:00:34,620 --> 00:00:35,814
That's that High Fidelity

21
00:00:35,814 --> 00:00:38,310
stupid list shit that some guys do.

22
00:00:38,310 --> 00:00:39,446
And I can't be alone.

23
00:00:39,446 --> 00:00:41,304
There's at least one moron in here

24
00:00:41,304 --> 00:00:42,677
who does that with women.

25
00:00:42,677 --> 00:00:45,001
Women have seen everything come by them.

26
00:00:45,001 --> 00:00:46,125
Ya know, 80 times.

27
00:00:46,125 --> 00:00:48,231
And if you say, "So what's your top five films."

28
00:00:48,231 --> 00:00:49,167
The girl goes,

29
00:00:49,208 --> 00:00:50,755
"Oh God, he's one of those guy."

30
00:00:50,755 --> 00:00:52,606
"I can't wait for this to be over."

31
00:00:52,606 --> 00:00:54,625
"He's not even getting a handjob."

32
00:00:54,625 --> 00:00:56,616
"I am out of here."

33
00:00:57,848 --> 00:00:58,378
And so,

34
00:00:58,378 --> 00:01:00,420
every once in a while I find the girl,

35
00:01:00,420 --> 00:01:01,485
we're out on a date,

36
00:01:01,485 --> 00:01:03,215
we're driving down the road.

37
00:01:03,215 --> 00:01:03,970
I'm driving and I go,

38
00:01:03,970 --> 00:01:04,836
"Do not ask."

39
00:01:04,836 --> 00:01:05,912
"Don't do the list thing."

40
00:01:05,912 --> 00:01:07,146
"Don't do the list thing."

41
00:01:07,146 --> 00:01:08,719
"Just have a nice conversation."

42
00:01:08,719 --> 00:01:09,579
"Become interested."

43
00:01:09,579 --> 00:01:11,489
"Find something interesting to talk about."

44
00:01:11,489 --> 00:01:12,449
"That we can both talk about."

45
00:01:12,449 --> 00:01:13,883
"Don't dominate the conversation."

46
00:01:13,883 --> 00:01:15,680
"Don't spin the conversation to things

47
00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:16,664
that you know so much about

48
00:01:16,664 --> 00:01:18,806
so you can preach stentorian from the mount."

49
00:01:18,806 --> 00:01:19,385
"Come on,

50
00:01:19,385 --> 00:01:20,183
be open,

51
00:01:20,183 --> 00:01:21,691
be available."

52
00:01:21,691 --> 00:01:22,377
I'm driving,

53
00:01:22,377 --> 00:01:23,017
I'm driving,

54
00:01:23,017 --> 00:01:24,285
my will is breaking down

55
00:01:24,285 --> 00:01:25,473
and finally, "Fuck it."

56
00:01:25,473 --> 00:01:27,870
"I really need to know."

57
00:01:27,870 --> 00:01:31,254
"So what are the three CDs in 
your changer right now?"

58
00:01:31,254 --> 00:01:33,272
"Well, I'm really listening

59
00:01:33,272 --> 00:01:34,860
to the new Nickelba-"

60
00:01:34,860 --> 00:01:37,745
(brakes screeching)

61
00:01:42,736 --> 00:01:46,622
"Get the fuck out of my car!"

62
00:01:49,975 --> 00:01:50,709
"You suck!"

63
00:01:50,709 --> 00:01:52,956
"Whatever!"

64
00:01:52,956 --> 00:01:53,672
"You suck!"

65
00:01:53,672 --> 00:01:55,169
"Whatever!"

66
00:01:59,903 --> 00:02:01,830
I want a woman who can sit me down,

67
00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:02,516
shut me up,

68
00:02:02,516 --> 00:02:05,080
tell me ten things I don't already know,

69
00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:06,432
and make me laugh.

70
00:02:06,432 --> 00:02:07,804
I don't care what ya look like.

71
00:02:07,804 --> 00:02:09,040
Just turn me on

72
00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:10,195
and if you can do that,

73
00:02:10,195 --> 00:02:14,388
I will follow you on bloody
stumps through the snow.

74
00:02:14,388 --> 00:02:18,049
I will nibble your mukluks with my own teeth.

75
00:02:18,049 --> 00:02:19,880
I will do your windows.

76
00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:24,281
I will care about your feelings.

77
00:02:24,281 --> 00:02:27,105
Just have something in there.

78
00:02:27,105 --> 00:02:28,631
I want one of them readers,

79
00:02:28,631 --> 00:02:30,394
that's what I want.

80
00:02:30,394 --> 00:02:31,798
I want a reader.

81
00:02:31,798 --> 00:02:33,233
And so you go out with a girl

82
00:02:33,233 --> 00:02:34,512
and you're driving.

83
00:02:34,512 --> 00:02:36,041
"So what are you reading right now?"

84
00:02:36,041 --> 00:02:37,089
And all too often,

85
00:02:37,089 --> 00:02:38,265
"Well I'm not much of a reader."

86
00:02:38,265 --> 00:02:39,557
(brakes screeching)

87
00:02:39,557 --> 00:02:40,681
"I'm not much of a dinner buyer!"

88
00:02:40,681 --> 00:02:44,007
"Get out! Get out! Get out!"

89
00:02:44,007 --> 00:02:46,655
"We're lost in the stucko sprawl of LA."

90
00:02:46,655 --> 00:02:48,823
"I don't care!"

91
00:02:48,823 --> 00:02:49,602
But every once in a while

92
00:02:49,602 --> 00:02:50,841
you meet the one who reads.

93
00:02:50,841 --> 00:02:52,724
"So what are you reading," he asked.

94
00:02:52,724 --> 00:02:55,157
You know, the date killer question.

95
00:02:55,157 --> 00:02:56,082
"So what are you reading?"

96
00:02:56,082 --> 00:02:57,424
"Well I'm in the middle of a book right now..."

97
00:02:57,424 --> 00:02:58,296
"Oh my God!"

98
00:02:58,296 --> 00:02:59,774
"She's in the middle of a book."

99
00:02:59,774 --> 00:03:03,062
"Be still my beating heart."

100
00:03:03,062 --> 00:03:06,319
(heavy breathing)

101
00:03:06,319 --> 00:03:07,224
"So what are you reading?"

102
00:03:07,224 --> 00:03:10,921
he asked expectedly.

103
00:03:10,921 --> 00:03:14,057
Nervous, tingling, body aquiver.

104
00:03:14,057 --> 00:03:16,583
"Well, I'm in the middle of this Harry Potter-"

105
00:03:16,583 --> 00:03:18,725
(brakes screeching)

106
00:03:18,725 --> 00:03:19,520
"Don't be an adult woman

107
00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:21,184
and read a fucking childs book in my car."

108
00:03:21,184 --> 00:03:23,942
"Get the fuck out!"

109
00:03:23,942 --> 00:03:25,688
So,

110
00:03:25,688 --> 00:03:27,172
it's obvious a guy like me

111
00:03:27,172 --> 00:03:29,219
is gonna live alone for the rest of his life.

112
00:03:29,219 --> 00:03:30,464
At least I know it.

113
00:03:30,464 --> 00:03:32,417
So I've kind of found that A & E,

114
00:03:32,417 --> 00:03:35,744
History Channel person that lives inside.

115
00:03:35,744 --> 00:03:37,476
And when I'm between tours

116
00:03:37,476 --> 00:03:40,003
living in the city of whores in Los Angeles.

117
00:03:40,003 --> 00:03:41,609
I just kind of hole up on my own

118
00:03:41,609 --> 00:03:44,575
and by 8PM I'm just in front of the computer

119
00:03:44,575 --> 00:03:45,603
on Google or Ebay,

120
00:03:45,603 --> 00:03:46,683
buying things I don't need

121
00:03:46,683 --> 00:03:48,208
and finding out 80 more things

122
00:03:48,208 --> 00:03:51,202
about Che Guevarra I didn't know before.

123
00:03:51,202 --> 00:03:52,261
And hoping the History International

124
00:03:52,261 --> 00:03:54,850
has a 12 hour documentary on the Spanish Inquisition

125
00:03:54,850 --> 00:03:58,565
and not just a paltry three hour one.

126
00:03:58,565 --> 00:04:00,529
And that's the kind of miserable asshole I am,

127
00:04:00,529 --> 00:04:01,576
so no one calls,

128
00:04:01,576 --> 00:04:02,666
no one comes over.

129
00:04:02,666 --> 00:04:06,759
But I have really refined my jack-off technique.

130
00:04:06,759 --> 00:04:09,285
What else are ya gonna do?

131
00:04:09,285 --> 00:04:10,532
It's gets late at night,

132
00:04:10,532 --> 00:04:11,940
a man wants some lovin',

133
00:04:11,940 --> 00:04:13,046
and if there's no one around,

134
00:04:13,046 --> 00:04:14,787
you just have to love yourself.

135
00:04:14,787 --> 00:04:15,599
"I love you."

136
00:04:15,599 --> 00:04:17,275
"I love you, too."