(henry rollins) Gag.
I wanna go *prrfttgh prfhhthffh prrrgggh*
on the way.
But no,
so I'm very angry when I'm there
'cuz there's no one to talk to.
And if you're a guy who likes girls
you wanna go out on a date,
and sometimes you want a real date.
You don't wanna abduct these chicks like you're used ta doing.
You know you're tired of rufies and duct tape
every saturday night.
You want a real date.
Ya want a real date.
And so I'm one of those horrible men
who judges women by the most shallow criterion.
Umm... don't ever try to judge a woman or anybody
by asking them their top three records,
top five foreign films of all time.
That's that High Fidelity
stupid list shit that some guys do.
And I can't be alone.
There's at least one moron in here
who does that with women.
Women have seen everything come by them.
Ya know, 80 times.
And if you say, "So what's your top five films."
The girl goes,
"Oh God, he's one of those guy."
"I can't wait for this to be over."
"He's not even getting a handjob."
"I am out of here."
And so,
every once in a while I find the girl,
we're out on a date,
we're driving down the road.
I'm driving and I go,
"Do not ask."
"Don't do the list thing."
"Just have a nice conversation."
"Become interested."
"Find something interesting to talk about."
"That we can both talk about."
"Don't dominate the conversation."
"Don't spin the conversation to things
that you know so much about
so you can preach stentorian from the mount."
"Come on,
be open,
be available."
I'm driving,
my will is breaking down
and finally, "Fuck it."
"I really need to know."
"So what are the three CDs in your changer right now?"
"Well, I'm really listening
to the new Nickelba-"
(brakes screeching)
"Get the fuck out of my car!"
"You suck!"
"Whatever!"
"You suck!"
"Whatever!"
I want a woman who can sit me down,
shut me up,
tell me ten things I don't already know,
and make me laugh.
I don't care what ya look like.
Just turn me on
and if you can do that,
I will follow you on bloody stumps through the snow.
I will nibble your mukluks with my own teeth.
I will do your windows.
I will care about your feelings.
Just have something in there.
I want one of them readers,
that's what I want.
I want a reader.
And so you go out with a girl
and you're driving.
"So what are you reading right now?"
And all too often,
"Well I'm not much of a reader."
(brakes screeching)
"I'm not much of a dinner buyer!"
"Get out! Get out! Get out!"
"We're lost in the stucko sprawl of LA."
"I don't care!"
But every once in a while
you meet the one who reads.
"So what are you reading," he asked.
You know, the date killer question.
"So what are you reading?"
"Well I'm in the middle of a book right now..."
"Oh my God!"
"She's in the middle of a book."
"Be still my beating heart."
(heavy breathing)
"So what are you reading?"
he asked expectedly.
Nervous, tingling, body aquiver.
"Well, I'm in the middle of this Harry Potter-"
(brakes screeching)
"Don't be an adult woman
and read a fucking childs book in my car."
"Get the fuck out!"
So,
it's obvious a guy like me
is gonna live alone for the rest of his life.
At least I know it.
So I've kind of found that A & E,
History Channel person that lives inside.
And when I'm between tours
living in the city of whores in Los Angeles.
I just kind of hole up on my own
and by 8PM I'm just in front of the computer
on Google or Ebay,
buying things I don't need
and finding out 80 more things
about Che Guevarra I didn't know before.
And hoping the History International
has a 12 hour documentary on the Spanish Inquisition
and not just a paltry three hour one.
And that's the kind of miserable asshole I am,
so no one calls,
no one comes over.
But I have really refined my jack-off technique.
What else are ya gonna do?
It's gets late at night,
a man wants some lovin',
and if there's no one around,
you just have to love yourself.
"I love you."
"I love you, too."