WEBVTT

00:00:00.480 --> 00:00:01.022
(henry rollins) Gag.

00:00:01.022 --> 00:00:03.190
I wanna go *prrfttgh prfhhthffh prrrgggh*

00:00:03.190 --> 00:00:03.878
on the way.

00:00:03.878 --> 00:00:04.939
But no,

00:00:04.939 --> 00:00:06.921
so I'm very angry when I'm there

00:00:06.921 --> 00:00:08.620
'cuz there's no one to talk to.

00:00:08.620 --> 00:00:10.116
And if you're a guy who likes girls

00:00:10.116 --> 00:00:11.150
you wanna go out on a date,

00:00:11.150 --> 00:00:12.697
and sometimes you want a real date.

00:00:12.697 --> 00:00:15.317
You don't wanna abduct these chicks like 
you're used ta doing.

00:00:15.317 --> 00:00:17.624
You know you're tired of rufies and duct tape

00:00:17.624 --> 00:00:18.450
every saturday night.

00:00:18.450 --> 00:00:19.463
You want a real date.

00:00:19.463 --> 00:00:20.962
Ya want a real date.

00:00:20.962 --> 00:00:22.821
And so I'm one of those horrible men

00:00:22.821 --> 00:00:26.304
who judges women by the most shallow criterion.

00:00:26.304 --> 00:00:29.868
Umm... don't ever try to judge a woman or anybody

00:00:29.868 --> 00:00:32.442
by asking them their top three records,

00:00:32.442 --> 00:00:34.620
top five foreign films of all time.

00:00:34.620 --> 00:00:35.814
That's that High Fidelity

00:00:35.814 --> 00:00:38.310
stupid list shit that some guys do.

00:00:38.310 --> 00:00:39.446
And I can't be alone.

00:00:39.446 --> 00:00:41.304
There's at least one moron in here

00:00:41.304 --> 00:00:42.677
who does that with women.

00:00:42.677 --> 00:00:45.001
Women have seen everything come by them.

00:00:45.001 --> 00:00:46.125
Ya know, 80 times.

00:00:46.125 --> 00:00:48.231
And if you say, "So what's your top five films."

00:00:48.231 --> 00:00:49.167
The girl goes,

00:00:49.208 --> 00:00:50.755
"Oh God, he's one of those guy."

00:00:50.755 --> 00:00:52.606
"I can't wait for this to be over."

00:00:52.606 --> 00:00:54.625
"He's not even getting a handjob."

00:00:54.625 --> 00:00:56.616
"I am out of here."

00:00:57.848 --> 00:00:58.378
And so,

00:00:58.378 --> 00:01:00.420
every once in a while I find the girl,

00:01:00.420 --> 00:01:01.485
we're out on a date,

00:01:01.485 --> 00:01:03.215
we're driving down the road.

00:01:03.215 --> 00:01:03.970
I'm driving and I go,

00:01:03.970 --> 00:01:04.836
"Do not ask."

00:01:04.836 --> 00:01:05.912
"Don't do the list thing."

00:01:05.912 --> 00:01:07.146
"Don't do the list thing."

00:01:07.146 --> 00:01:08.719
"Just have a nice conversation."

00:01:08.719 --> 00:01:09.579
"Become interested."

00:01:09.579 --> 00:01:11.489
"Find something interesting to talk about."

00:01:11.489 --> 00:01:12.449
"That we can both talk about."

00:01:12.449 --> 00:01:13.883
"Don't dominate the conversation."

00:01:13.883 --> 00:01:15.680
"Don't spin the conversation to things

00:01:15.680 --> 00:01:16.664
that you know so much about

00:01:16.664 --> 00:01:18.806
so you can preach stentorian from the mount."

00:01:18.806 --> 00:01:19.385
"Come on,

00:01:19.385 --> 00:01:20.183
be open,

00:01:20.183 --> 00:01:21.691
be available."

00:01:21.691 --> 00:01:22.377
I'm driving,

00:01:22.377 --> 00:01:23.017
I'm driving,

00:01:23.017 --> 00:01:24.285
my will is breaking down

00:01:24.285 --> 00:01:25.473
and finally, "Fuck it."

00:01:25.473 --> 00:01:27.870
"I really need to know."

00:01:27.870 --> 00:01:31.254
"So what are the three CDs in 
your changer right now?"

00:01:31.254 --> 00:01:33.272
"Well, I'm really listening

00:01:33.272 --> 00:01:34.860
to the new Nickelba-"

00:01:34.860 --> 00:01:37.745
(brakes screeching)

00:01:42.736 --> 00:01:46.622
"Get the fuck out of my car!"

00:01:49.975 --> 00:01:50.709
"You suck!"

00:01:50.709 --> 00:01:52.956
"Whatever!"

00:01:52.956 --> 00:01:53.672
"You suck!"

00:01:53.672 --> 00:01:55.169
"Whatever!"

00:01:59.903 --> 00:02:01.830
I want a woman who can sit me down,

00:02:01.830 --> 00:02:02.516
shut me up,

00:02:02.516 --> 00:02:05.080
tell me ten things I don't already know,

00:02:05.080 --> 00:02:06.432
and make me laugh.

00:02:06.432 --> 00:02:07.804
I don't care what ya look like.

00:02:07.804 --> 00:02:09.040
Just turn me on

00:02:09.040 --> 00:02:10.195
and if you can do that,

00:02:10.195 --> 00:02:14.388
I will follow you on bloody
stumps through the snow.

00:02:14.388 --> 00:02:18.049
I will nibble your mukluks with my own teeth.

00:02:18.049 --> 00:02:19.880
I will do your windows.

00:02:19.880 --> 00:02:24.281
I will care about your feelings.

00:02:24.281 --> 00:02:27.105
Just have something in there.

00:02:27.105 --> 00:02:28.631
I want one of them readers,

00:02:28.631 --> 00:02:30.394
that's what I want.

00:02:30.394 --> 00:02:31.798
I want a reader.

00:02:31.798 --> 00:02:33.233
And so you go out with a girl

00:02:33.233 --> 00:02:34.512
and you're driving.

00:02:34.512 --> 00:02:36.041
"So what are you reading right now?"

00:02:36.041 --> 00:02:37.089
And all too often,

00:02:37.089 --> 00:02:38.265
"Well I'm not much of a reader."

00:02:38.265 --> 00:02:39.557
(brakes screeching)

00:02:39.557 --> 00:02:40.681
"I'm not much of a dinner buyer!"

00:02:40.681 --> 00:02:44.007
"Get out! Get out! Get out!"

00:02:44.007 --> 00:02:46.655
"We're lost in the stucko sprawl of LA."

00:02:46.655 --> 00:02:48.823
"I don't care!"

00:02:48.823 --> 00:02:49.602
But every once in a while

00:02:49.602 --> 00:02:50.841
you meet the one who reads.

00:02:50.841 --> 00:02:52.724
"So what are you reading," he asked.

00:02:52.724 --> 00:02:55.157
You know, the date killer question.

00:02:55.157 --> 00:02:56.082
"So what are you reading?"

00:02:56.082 --> 00:02:57.424
"Well I'm in the middle of a book right now..."

00:02:57.424 --> 00:02:58.296
"Oh my God!"

00:02:58.296 --> 00:02:59.774
"She's in the middle of a book."

00:02:59.774 --> 00:03:03.062
"Be still my beating heart."

00:03:03.062 --> 00:03:06.319
(heavy breathing)

00:03:06.319 --> 00:03:07.224
"So what are you reading?"

00:03:07.224 --> 00:03:10.921
he asked expectedly.

00:03:10.921 --> 00:03:14.057
Nervous, tingling, body aquiver.

00:03:14.057 --> 00:03:16.583
"Well, I'm in the middle of this Harry Potter-"

00:03:16.583 --> 00:03:18.725
(brakes screeching)

00:03:18.725 --> 00:03:19.520
"Don't be an adult woman

00:03:19.520 --> 00:03:21.184
and read a fucking childs book in my car."

00:03:21.184 --> 00:03:23.942
"Get the fuck out!"

00:03:23.942 --> 00:03:25.688
So,

00:03:25.688 --> 00:03:27.172
it's obvious a guy like me

00:03:27.172 --> 00:03:29.219
is gonna live alone for the rest of his life.

00:03:29.219 --> 00:03:30.464
At least I know it.

00:03:30.464 --> 00:03:32.417
So I've kind of found that A & E,

00:03:32.417 --> 00:03:35.744
History Channel person that lives inside.

00:03:35.744 --> 00:03:37.476
And when I'm between tours

00:03:37.476 --> 00:03:40.003
living in the city of whores in Los Angeles.

00:03:40.003 --> 00:03:41.609
I just kind of hole up on my own

00:03:41.609 --> 00:03:44.575
and by 8PM I'm just in front of the computer

00:03:44.575 --> 00:03:45.603
on Google or Ebay,

00:03:45.603 --> 00:03:46.683
buying things I don't need

00:03:46.683 --> 00:03:48.208
and finding out 80 more things

00:03:48.208 --> 00:03:51.202
about Che Guevarra I didn't know before.

00:03:51.202 --> 00:03:52.261
And hoping the History International

00:03:52.261 --> 00:03:54.850
has a 12 hour documentary on the Spanish Inquisition

00:03:54.850 --> 00:03:58.565
and not just a paltry three hour one.

00:03:58.565 --> 00:04:00.529
And that's the kind of miserable asshole I am,

00:04:00.529 --> 00:04:01.576
so no one calls,

00:04:01.576 --> 00:04:02.666
no one comes over.

00:04:02.666 --> 00:04:06.759
But I have really refined my jack-off technique.

00:04:06.759 --> 00:04:09.285
What else are ya gonna do?

00:04:09.285 --> 00:04:10.532
It's gets late at night,

00:04:10.532 --> 00:04:11.940
a man wants some lovin',

00:04:11.940 --> 00:04:13.046
and if there's no one around,

00:04:13.046 --> 00:04:14.787
you just have to love yourself.

00:04:14.787 --> 00:04:15.599
"I love you."

00:04:15.599 --> 00:04:17.275
"I love you, too."