0:00:05.471,0:00:10.002
When I was growing up, there was this song[br]we used to sing on the playground,

0:00:10.011,0:00:11.772
and it went like this,

0:00:11.773,0:00:18.053
"Tracy and so and so,[br]sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g,

0:00:18.054,0:00:21.279
first comes love, then comes marriage,

0:00:21.280,0:00:25.031
then comes baby in a baby carriage."

0:00:25.811,0:00:26.864
And I'm like,

0:00:26.865,0:00:32.098
"OK, that's it! That's how you do life.[br]That's how you do a relationship.

0:00:32.100,0:00:35.214
Love, marriage, baby carriage. OK, got it!

0:00:35.215,0:00:36.804
(Laughter)

0:00:36.805,0:00:41.116
Then I grew up, and this is[br]what my life turned out to be.

0:00:41.119,0:00:43.048
(Laughter)

0:00:43.049,0:00:48.245
Slightly more complicated, right?[br](Laughter)

0:00:48.246,0:00:54.239
Love, marriage, divorce,[br]dry spells, love, marriage,

0:00:54.240,0:01:00.051
co-parenting, another marriage,[br]another divorce;

0:01:00.052,0:01:01.951
you got the picture.

0:01:01.952,0:01:03.931
(Laughter)

0:01:03.932,0:01:05.464
(Applause)

0:01:09.674,0:01:13.446
So if you're good at math and/or[br]a fast reader, what you've got there

0:01:13.447,0:01:16.153
is that I've been married three times.

0:01:17.023,0:01:20.119
Yep, three, and divorced.

0:01:20.120,0:01:25.536
What that is supposed to mean is[br]that I'm a total failure at relationships.

0:01:25.539,0:01:29.531
And that is one way[br]to look at it, but not the only way.

0:01:30.391,0:01:34.750
Because what I think really happened[br]is that I kept marrying the wrong person.

0:01:35.563,0:01:38.938
No, it's not that I didn't--[br]it's not that I chose bad guys.

0:01:38.939,0:01:41.169
My first two husbands were amazing men

0:01:41.170,0:01:44.712
who are now married[br]to wonderful women who aren't me.

0:01:44.713,0:01:46.292
(Laughter)

0:01:46.293,0:01:51.043
And my third husband, well,[br]we're friends on Facebook now.

0:01:51.044,0:01:54.305
So, all is well that ends well, right?

0:01:55.365,0:01:58.969
After the collapse of[br]my third marriage in 2005,

0:01:58.970,0:02:01.989
I realized that I've been marrying[br]everyone in sight,

0:02:01.990,0:02:05.171
except the one person[br]that I really needed to marry

0:02:05.172,0:02:07.761
in order to have a great relationship

0:02:07.762,0:02:10.158
and that once I married that person,

0:02:10.160,0:02:15.119
all of my relationships would be[br]successes, even the failures.

0:02:15.759,0:02:18.223
The so-called failures, actually.

0:02:18.224,0:02:21.078
Since we're talking today[br]about women inventing,

0:02:21.079,0:02:24.611
I'm going to talk about[br]inventing relationships.

0:02:24.612,0:02:30.780
What I've found through a lot of trial[br]and obviously, many, many, many errors,

0:02:31.511,0:02:35.608
to be the thing that has[br]transformed my life and love,

0:02:35.609,0:02:39.744
and that is this idea[br]of marrying yourself.

0:02:41.064,0:02:44.585
So what does it mean to marry yourself?

0:02:44.586,0:02:45.554
It's a big idea.

0:02:45.555,0:02:50.839
It is as big as marriage itself[br]except, if I could just summarize it,

0:02:50.840,0:02:55.372
it would be that you enter[br]into a relationship with yourself

0:02:55.373,0:02:57.966
and then you put a ring on it.

0:02:57.967,0:02:59.513
(Laughter)

0:02:59.514,0:03:03.644
In other words,[br]you commit to yourself fully.

0:03:03.645,0:03:05.932
And then you build[br]a relationship with yourself

0:03:05.933,0:03:10.219
to the point where you realize[br]that you're whole right now,

0:03:10.220,0:03:16.754
that there is no man, woman, job,[br]circumstance that can happen to you

0:03:16.755,0:03:20.981
that is going to make you more whole[br]because you already are.

0:03:21.641,0:03:23.500
And this changes your life.

0:03:24.730,0:03:27.734
By now, I'm sure at least[br]some of you are wondering

0:03:27.735,0:03:30.291
why you should be listening[br]to a three-time divorcee

0:03:30.292,0:03:31.493
talk about marriage?

0:03:31.494,0:03:32.430
(Laughter)

0:03:32.431,0:03:36.279
Even to herself. And I understand that.

0:03:36.280,0:03:39.019
Here's what I have to say about that:

0:03:39.020,0:03:41.912
what I've learned and my experience is

0:03:41.913,0:03:45.145
that the places where you have[br]the biggest challenges in your life

0:03:45.146,0:03:48.275
become the places where you[br]have the most to give

0:03:48.276,0:03:50.113
if you do your inner work.

0:03:50.114,0:03:51.695
I kind of want to say that again:

0:03:51.696,0:03:54.111
the places where you have[br]the biggest challenges

0:03:54.112,0:03:57.347
are the places where you[br]have the most to give.

0:03:57.348,0:04:00.862
So let me tell you a little bit[br]about the person I truly needed to marry:

0:04:00.863,0:04:01.967
myself.

0:04:02.792,0:04:06.501
I am from Minneapolis. Wooh!

0:04:06.513,0:04:08.712
(Laughter)

0:04:08.713,0:04:12.427
My mom was a prostitute and an alcoholic.

0:04:12.428,0:04:15.380
She put me in foster care[br]when I was three months old.

0:04:15.381,0:04:18.350
My dad was a criminal;

0:04:18.351,0:04:21.776
he was a drug dealer and a pimp[br]with a heart of gold

0:04:21.777,0:04:24.266
- actually, they both had hearts of gold -

0:04:24.267,0:04:27.767
and he spent more or less[br]my whole life in prison.

0:04:27.768,0:04:30.709
He just got out of prison[br]after his most recent sentence

0:04:30.710,0:04:32.184
which was 20 years.

0:04:34.644,0:04:38.583
Until the age of nine, I was probably[br]in two dozen foster homes.

0:04:38.584,0:04:40.595
The thing you need to know[br]about this story

0:04:40.596,0:04:44.009
- there are a lot of details, obviously -[br]but the thing you need to know

0:04:44.010,0:04:50.269
is that I came out of that childhood[br]with one goal: to never be left.

0:04:51.387,0:04:55.750
The way I was going to do that[br]is that I was going to get married.

0:04:56.670,0:04:59.830
That was the way I was going[br]to accomplish that goal.

0:04:59.831,0:05:02.994
So I got married the first time[br]to a guy I met when I was 17.

0:05:02.995,0:05:05.519
We got married a couple[br]of years later, when I was 19.

0:05:05.520,0:05:08.621
He was a really good guy[br]from a great family, he had an MBA.

0:05:08.622,0:05:13.430
I mean, it was like,[br]you know, marriage material.

0:05:16.590,0:05:18.045
You know, I was thrilled.

0:05:18.046,0:05:22.412
I was like, "I have a family.[br]I belong somewhere. This is wonderful."

0:05:22.413,0:05:25.174
And then after five years I left him.

0:05:25.175,0:05:29.789
Then ten years later, I got married again[br]to another wonderful guy,

0:05:29.790,0:05:33.393
who is the father of my[br]now 16-years-old son.

0:05:33.394,0:05:36.936
We still have a wonderful relationship.[br]He is a really good guy.

0:05:36.937,0:05:39.598
But after four years I left him, too.

0:05:39.599,0:05:43.418
And I am not proud to say that I did that,[br]but in order to really marry yourself,

0:05:43.419,0:05:46.663
you have to get sometimes[br]very painfully honest with yourself

0:05:46.664,0:05:48.973
about what it is that you've done.

0:05:50.363,0:05:51.719
So I'm not proud of that.

0:05:51.720,0:05:55.250
Then eight years later,[br]I got married again, when I was 40,

0:05:55.251,0:05:58.732
and I was like, "OK, this feels right!"

0:06:01.382,0:06:06.557
Let me tell you what felt right[br]to a girl who was in 24 foster homes:

0:06:07.277,0:06:13.357
a guy who started to date[br]after nine months of marriage;

0:06:13.358,0:06:16.093
essentially, he started dating[br]a 21-year-old girl.

0:06:17.103,0:06:20.565
OK, I mean, it would be funny,[br]if it weren't so tragic.

0:06:21.505,0:06:25.229
You have to have a sense of...[br]that is why we're Facebook friends.

0:06:25.230,0:06:31.235
So, here I am looking[br]at this person that I just described

0:06:31.236,0:06:33.818
with a terrible track record[br]of relationships,

0:06:33.819,0:06:36.282
and I'm like, "I'm supposed to marry her?

0:06:36.283,0:06:38.899
This is the woman[br]you want me to marry?"

0:06:39.659,0:06:41.508
And the answer is yes.

0:06:42.238,0:06:44.194
Because here is the deal:

0:06:44.195,0:06:47.653
the thing about marrying yourself[br]is not just like cohabitating.

0:06:47.654,0:06:51.267
You're not just going to date[br]for a while and see how it turns out.

0:06:51.268,0:06:56.082
You are going to do this[br]till death do you part.

0:06:56.083,0:06:58.192
You are going to take vows.

0:06:59.502,0:07:01.978
So here are the vows.

0:07:01.979,0:07:03.755
Number 1:

0:07:03.756,0:07:06.977
you are going to marry yourself[br]for richer or for poorer.

0:07:06.978,0:07:11.924
This means you are going[br]to love yourself right where you are.

0:07:11.925,0:07:15.654
You don't say to yourself, "When you get[br]to the corner of Hollywood and Vine,

0:07:15.655,0:07:17.614
then I will marry you."

0:07:17.615,0:07:21.621
You don't say, "When you lose[br]ten pounds, then I will love you."

0:07:22.461,0:07:26.497
And you don't say, "If you hadn't[br]married that loser, I would love you,

0:07:26.498,0:07:29.802
but since you did,[br]I'm sorry, I think it's over."

0:07:30.732,0:07:34.980
When you marry yourself,[br]you walk yourself down that aisle

0:07:34.981,0:07:37.270
exactly where you are.

0:07:38.070,0:07:42.225
And paradoxically, I found[br]that loving myself exactly where I am

0:07:42.226,0:07:45.472
is the only way to get where I am going.

0:07:46.472,0:07:48.131
Number 2:

0:07:48.132,0:07:51.450
you are going to marry yourself[br]for better or for worse.

0:07:52.200,0:07:57.702
What this means is that most of us[br]are willing to love ourselves for better,

0:07:57.703,0:08:01.502
I mean, sure, I am having[br]a great hair day today.

0:08:01.503,0:08:02.473
I love me.

0:08:02.474,0:08:04.333
(Laughter)

0:08:04.334,0:08:06.769
That's not what I am talking about.

0:08:06.770,0:08:10.696
I'm talking about for worse,[br]you know, the big life disappointments.

0:08:10.697,0:08:13.759
Maybe you don't own a home,[br]you didn't get the career you wanted,

0:08:13.760,0:08:17.709
maybe you didn't graduate from college,[br]or get the relationship you wanted.

0:08:17.710,0:08:20.481
Maybe it hasn't turned out--[br]maybe you fight with your mum,

0:08:20.482,0:08:22.484
maybe you watch too much reality TV,

0:08:22.485,0:08:26.783
whatever it is, it doesn't matter anymore.

0:08:28.773,0:08:34.501
Because when you marry yourself,[br]you agree to stay with you no matter what.

0:08:35.712,0:08:37.033
Third,

0:08:37.034,0:08:40.188
you marry yourself[br]in sickness and in health.

0:08:40.190,0:08:44.840
What this means is that you forgive[br]yourself for your mistakes.

0:08:45.700,0:08:49.239
A mistake isn't actually a failure[br]unless you don't learn from it

0:08:49.240,0:08:51.200
and unless you don't grow.

0:08:52.180,0:08:58.510
There is a saying, "You ask for patience,[br]and what you get is a line at the bank."

0:08:58.520,0:09:01.179
(Laughter)

0:09:01.180,0:09:04.872
What that means is that life[br]does not give you what you've asked for,

0:09:04.873,0:09:07.959
it gives you the people,[br]places, and situations

0:09:07.960,0:09:10.605
that allow you to develop[br]what you ask for.

0:09:11.445,0:09:14.783
And the thing is if you don't get it[br]right the first time,

0:09:14.784,0:09:16.393
life will give it to you again.

0:09:16.394,0:09:17.618
(Laughter)

0:09:17.619,0:09:20.124
Because life is very generous that way.

0:09:20.125,0:09:23.527
It's like I didn't get it the first time,[br]in the first marriage,

0:09:23.528,0:09:28.899
and I didn't get it the second time,[br]maybe the third time I'll get it.

0:09:30.579,0:09:34.137
So inside that terrible experience[br]of that third marriage,

0:09:34.138,0:09:37.340
I learned something[br]about "in sickness and in health".

0:09:37.341,0:09:40.986
What I learned is how to sit[br]by my own bedside,

0:09:40.987,0:09:44.519
and how to hold my own hand,[br]and how to nurse myself,

0:09:44.520,0:09:46.979
and how to comfort myself.

0:09:46.980,0:09:51.496
What I learned is that I am[br]a person that I can count on.

0:09:53.156,0:09:56.500
Last but not least, you marry yourself--

0:09:57.900,0:10:02.288
when you marry yourself,[br]it's to have and to hold yourself.

0:10:03.238,0:10:06.265
What does it mean to have and to hold?

0:10:06.266,0:10:09.270
Well, I think it means[br]that you love yourself

0:10:09.271,0:10:12.206
the way you want[br]someone else to love you.

0:10:14.236,0:10:17.651
I had always been going[br]through life with this sense of lack.

0:10:17.652,0:10:22.968
I felt like I was kind of half a person,[br]and that I was missing something.

0:10:23.788,0:10:25.147
I went into my relationships

0:10:25.148,0:10:28.862
hoping to solve this feeling[br]that I had my entire life:

0:10:28.863,0:10:31.332
that I was not whole[br]unless someone loved me.

0:10:31.912,0:10:33.447
The truth was

0:10:33.448,0:10:37.297
that I wasn't ever going to feel whole[br]until I learned to love myself.

0:10:38.207,0:10:41.931
So this business of marrying yourself[br]transforms every area of your life:

0:10:41.932,0:10:47.176
your business, family relationships,[br]kids, social relationships, friends.

0:10:47.177,0:10:49.972
Because when you marry yourself,[br]this huge thing happens:

0:10:49.973,0:10:52.618
you become able to love[br]in this whole new way.

0:10:52.619,0:10:57.046
You become able to love other people[br]right where they are, for who they are,

0:10:57.047,0:10:59.961
the same way you're already[br]loving yourself.

0:11:01.001,0:11:04.509
And of course, this is[br]what the world needs more of.

0:11:04.510,0:11:08.333
So when I married myself, and I realized[br]that I already had everything I needed,

0:11:08.334,0:11:09.936
I started seeing it as my job

0:11:09.937,0:11:13.092
to basically just light up[br]my little corner of the world.

0:11:13.842,0:11:15.752
That's my new job.

0:11:15.752,0:11:18.127
Because I don't need anything,[br]I already have it.

0:11:18.128,0:11:19.275
So when I take meetings,

0:11:19.276,0:11:22.577
it's all about how can I help[br]this person achieve her goal?

0:11:22.578,0:11:24.219
When I'm in my social communities,

0:11:24.220,0:11:27.415
it is like what can I bring[br]to this that only I can bring?

0:11:27.416,0:11:28.416
When I go on dates,

0:11:28.417,0:11:33.366
it is like how can I just discover[br]another person maybe for just one hour

0:11:33.367,0:11:36.035
which, of course, brings me a full circle.

0:11:36.995,0:11:40.932
Because people always asked me[br]about my love life; they want to know.

0:11:40.933,0:11:43.496
(Laughter)

0:11:44.306,0:11:46.693
You know, the answer is,[br]I am still working on it.

0:11:46.694,0:11:47.962
Aren't we all?

0:11:49.132,0:11:51.248
So this is where I am right now.

0:11:51.249,0:11:54.153
About three months ago,[br]I went on a first date.

0:11:55.123,0:12:00.831
About 30 minutes into the date,[br]I found myself paying attention

0:12:00.832,0:12:06.743
not to whether he liked me,[br]but how I felt in his presence.

0:12:07.933,0:12:11.282
I noticed that I was light, happy, joking.

0:12:11.283,0:12:15.719
As I reflected on the date afterwards,[br]I was like, "Wow, I got really excited!

0:12:16.439,0:12:19.323
Look, this is how committed[br]I am to myself."

0:12:19.324,0:12:24.426
I am not even on this date[br]trying to get someone to like me.

0:12:25.536,0:12:29.211
I am more interested in how I feel[br]about me than how he feels about me,

0:12:29.212,0:12:32.101
not because I am selfish,[br]but because the only relationship

0:12:32.102,0:12:34.108
I am ever going to have[br]with another person

0:12:34.109,0:12:36.646
is the one that I am[br]already having with myself -

0:12:36.647,0:12:38.816
just going to have it with them now.

0:12:39.576,0:12:44.584
So it turned out he liked me,[br]and we are still together.

0:12:44.585,0:12:48.429
It's cool and amazing,[br]but I've been married three times,

0:12:48.430,0:12:49.491
so slow down!

0:12:49.492,0:12:51.132
(Laughter)

0:12:53.772,0:12:58.472
The thing is that I am not trying[br]to get security from him through marriage,

0:12:58.473,0:13:01.492
and, God forbid, a baby carriage.

0:13:01.493,0:13:07.023
I am only here to[br]just be in a relationship.

0:13:07.024,0:13:10.615
I am not dying to hear the words,[br]"Will you marry me?"

0:13:10.616,0:13:14.081
Because even though[br]those words are very powerful

0:13:14.082,0:13:17.731
- and very powerful to a person like me -

0:13:17.732,0:13:19.959
I don't need them to hear it from him

0:13:19.960,0:13:22.747
because I have already[br]heard them from myself.

0:13:23.577,0:13:28.464
The way I see it is like I took myself[br]to the top of a mountain,

0:13:28.465,0:13:31.419
or maybe to the bottom of the ocean,

0:13:31.420,0:13:36.822
and I got down on one knee,[br]and I said, "I'll never leave you."

0:13:38.462,0:13:43.369
And now I am married to the one person[br]I really wanted to be with all along,

0:13:43.370,0:13:44.334
myself.

0:13:44.335,0:13:45.451
(Applause)

0:13:45.452,0:13:46.334
Thank you.

0:13:46.335,0:13:47.691
(Applause)