1
00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:10,040
Abemus Papam

2
00:00:10,040 --> 00:00:13,520
Chapter 1 – The Pope's Death

3
00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:15,440
The Pope is dead. They announced it

4
00:00:15,440 --> 00:00:20,960
early this morning, but I already knew it for hours. I could feel it in the air, in the silence of the rooms,

5
00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:25,720
in the way the secretaries' footsteps echoed in the corridors of the Vatican.

6
00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:29,520
I recited the prayers with the other cardinals, but there was

7
00:00:29,520 --> 00:00:36,680
only one thought in my mind: now the Conclave begins. We gathered in the Sistine Chapel. The

8
00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:43,600
doors closed behind us, slow, heavy. Nobody spoke. Each of us

9
00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:50,200
knew what was about to happen: vote, pray, wait, and then vote again,

10
00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:55,960
again and again, until the Holy Spirit would give us the right name.

11
00:00:55,960 --> 00:01:03,840
I wasn't prepared. No one ever is, they say. But I felt something different,

12
00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:10,560
a deep, inexplicable agitation. It wasn't fear. Not yet.

13
00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:16,400
Outside the world looked at the chimneys, inside the silence was almost violent.

14
00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:20,520
I looked at the faces of the other cardinals and realized that many hoped not to

15
00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:24,880
be chosen. Me first. But then why, when I

16
00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:30,080
saw that first vote with my name, did my heart start beating fast?

17
00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:37,200
Maybe I had always known it. And perhaps this was my greatest fear.

18
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:40,080
Chapter 2 – The Conclave and the choice

19
00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:44,440
The votes continued to rise. Every time one of the cardinals

20
00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:47,800
said my name, my stomach would clench a little more.

21
00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:51,440
I tried not to look at anyone, to appear calm, but

22
00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:59,720
something uncontrollable was moving inside me. "Melville." Still. "Melville." And again.

23
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:05,640
I started hearing a ringing in my ears, as if the world outside was receding.

24
00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:10,640
Everything became muffled, slow. I could no longer follow the

25
00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:16,640
rhythm of the voting. My breath was short, but I didn't want to look up.

26
00:02:16,640 --> 00:02:22,840
Then the moment: 2/3 of the votes. Election confirmed.

27
00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:26,960
They all looked at me, waiting for my response.

28
00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:34,120
I only had to say one word: "I accept." My lips moved on their own. I don't

29
00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:37,920
even know how I did it. I felt hands on my shoulders,

30
00:02:37,920 --> 00:02:42,040
smiles, whispered prayers. They took me into the room

31
00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:46,600
to dress up as the Pope, but I couldn't look at myself in the mirror.

32
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:51,840
"You need to get ready. You'll be entering the world soon," someone told me.

33
00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:57,960
I nodded, but my heart was a stone. And as I walked towards the balcony,

34
00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:03,440
something in me broke. I couldn't do it.

35
00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:07,440
Chapter 3 – Rejection

36
00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:12,160
The red curtains were in front of me. One step was enough. It was enough to look out.

37
00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:16,520
The master of ceremonies was ready. The crowd in the square, in the rain,

38
00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:22,720
was waiting for that moment: "Abemus Papam." I was there, dressed in white. But inside

39
00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:25,720
I only felt darkness. My head was spinning,

40
00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:31,400
my breathing was short, my hands were cold. “Your Eminence, it's time,”

41
00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:37,600
someone whispered behind me. I wasn't moving. I couldn't. I didn't want to.

42
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:44,720
The words ricocheted through my mind like an echo: "You are the Pope. You will lead millions of people.

43
00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:50,120
You are the voice of God on Earth." But I… I don't have it. I don't have

44
00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:54,640
that voice. I don't have the strength. I took a step back.

45
00:03:54,640 --> 00:04:00,080
I whispered, "I can't. I'm sorry. I can't."

46
00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:05,160
Silence. One of those moments that seem eternal.

47
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:09,840
Then, chaos. Hands trying to stop me, voices

48
00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:17,560
calling me, cardinals looking at each other confused. I walked away. I wasn't running. I was walking slowly,

49
00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:22,280
towards a corridor, towards something that even I couldn't explain.

50
00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:25,440
I went back to my room and closed the door.

51
00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:30,840
I sat down. The Pope has been elected, but the Pope is not there.

52
00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:36,120
Chapter 4 – The psychoanalyst in the Vatican

53
00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:41,960
The next day I didn't leave my room. I didn't touch any food. I didn't say a word.

54
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:47,600
I heard knocking every now and then. Then nothing more. Just the sound of my breathing.

55
00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:53,120
Then, in the afternoon, they knocked again. But this time they entered:

56
00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:58,280
a cardinal and a stranger. A distinguished man, elegant jacket,

57
00:04:58,280 --> 00:05:04,000
thin glasses. He wasn't a priest. "He's a psychoanalyst," the cardinal said,

58
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:09,200
seeking my gaze. I nodded slowly.

59
00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:13,000
Maybe that's what they wanted: someone to fix me.

60
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:17,800
The man introduced himself in a calm voice. He said I wasn't sick, that I wasn't

61
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:24,400
I was alone, who was there to listen to me. "I don't want to be Pope," I said.

62
00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:32,440
It was the first sentence after hours of silence. He wasn't surprised. He just asked, “Why?”

63
00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:38,120
But I didn't know the answer. It wasn't fear of power. It wasn't weakness.

64
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:43,520
It was something deeper. A lack. A void.

65
00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:50,600
We talked for a while. Not much, actually. Then he said that time was needed,

66
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:57,560
that crises are not resolved in a day. I thought: they aren't resolved at all.

67
00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:04,200
That night I had a dream. And when I woke up I decided to go out.

68
00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:07,240
Chapter 5 – Escape to the City

69
00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:12,760
At dawn, before the Vatican woke up, I opened the door and went out.

70
00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:19,240
Without the white robe. Without ring. Without escort. Just a dark coat and a cap.

71
00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:21,800
Nobody stopped me. I entered a

72
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:26,720
bus, like an ordinary man. Sitting among the people, I listened to the voices,

73
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:31,640
the sounds, the real world. Nobody knew who I was.

74
00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:34,960
For the first time, in days, I was breathing.

75
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:40,080
Rome was different from how I remembered it. Or maybe it was me who was different.

76
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:44,880
I walked aimlessly, following only my legs. I found myself in a square,

77
00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:50,840
then in a park, then in front of a theater. A company was rehearsing a show.

78
00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:56,240
I stopped to watch. A woman noticed me: "Are you looking for someone?"

79
00:06:56,840 --> 00:07:02,800
“No, maybe myself,” I replied, smiling. He invited me inside.

80
00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:08,400
I looked at the evidence. The actors who made mistakes, laughed, started again.

81
00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:16,720
Nobody was perfect. Nobody had to be. One of them asked me: "Do you work in the theater?"

82
00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:24,040
I hesitated. "No, but I have often played a part." That evening, for the first time,

83
00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:28,600
I didn't feel like a symbol. And for the first time I thought:

84
00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:37,040
maybe I'm not meant to be Pope. But how do you say this to the whole world?

85
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:41,240
Chapter 6 – The world waits

86
00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:45,240
Meanwhile in the Vatican it was chaos. Television stations around the world

87
00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:48,320
kept repeating: "The Pope has been elected,

88
00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:53,400
but he has not yet appeared. There was white smoke, but no blessing,

89
00:07:53,400 --> 00:08:01,080
no name, no voice. Only silence." The cardinals were trying to protect the secret.

90
00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:05,320
"He's praying," they said. "He needs concentration."

91
00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:08,760
But by now it was clear that something was wrong.

92
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:14,400
I watched all this from a small room in a hotel near Trastevere.

93
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:20,480
The TV on. My face everywhere, even if blurred, stolen.

94
00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:26,920
Journalists were looking for answers. The faithful prayed. Some were already disappointed.

95
00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:31,680
I... I still didn't know what to do. I spoke to the

96
00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:35,640
psychoanalyst every day, on the phone. I told him about the walks,

97
00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:40,960
about the laughter I heard among the actors, about the strange dreams I had.

98
00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:45,360
"What if I don't come back?" I asked him one evening. "What if you come back instead?"

99
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:47,920
"But as a man?" He replied.

100
00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:51,640
That phrase stuck in my head for hours. As a man.

101
00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:54,280
Not as a symbol. Not as a mask.

102
00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:59,320
But outside, meanwhile, time passed. And the world waited.

103
00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:04,640
I had chosen to escape. But now I had to choose whether to face.

104
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:08,200
Chapter 7 – The return

105
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:12,840
I returned to the Vatican early one morning, as I had left: in silence.

106
00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:17,000
Nobody applauded me. Nobody hugged me.

107
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:21,320
Only low looks, sighs of relief and a lot of tension.

108
00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:26,280
They welcomed me into a small room where the closest cardinals were waiting for me.

109
00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:32,600
Words, decisions, a signal awaited me. But I didn't have anything ready yet.

110
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:37,480
“What do we have to say to the world?” one of them asked, trying to hide his anxiety.

111
00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:41,760
I looked at them. And for the first time I spoke with sincerity:

112
00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:46,400
"Say that the Pope needs time. Say that he is human."

113
00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:52,000
Silence. Then some murmurs. Disappointment, perhaps.

114
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:55,800
But also respect. I asked to see my psychoanalyst,

115
00:09:55,800 --> 00:10:01,240
this time inside the sacred walls. He came without hesitation.

116
00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:05,520
We sat across from each other, like old friends.

117
00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:09,840
"Have you decided, then?" he asked me. I nodded.

118
00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:16,240
"Yes. I've decided not to pretend anymore. And so… I'm not ready.

119
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:20,320
Maybe I never will be." He didn't answer.

120
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:25,360
He just looked at me with a calm, almost serene look.

121
00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:33,040
I had found my voice. Now all that remained was to use it. In front of everyone.

122
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:36,560
Chapter 8 – Courage and truth

123
00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:41,640
That day the square was full again. Umbrellas. Hands clasped. Eyes

124
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:45,920
fixed on that empty balcony. The cameras captured every detail.

125
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:49,200
The journalists talked about everything, just to fill the wait.

126
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:58,160
And I, behind those red curtains, was breathing slowly. I was no longer afraid. I only had truth.

127
00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:02,320
The master of ceremonies nodded to me. I could go out.

128
00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:07,280
But not to become Pope. To tell the world that I wouldn't be.

129
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:11,360
I appeared. The entire square held its breath.

130
00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:14,720
I looked at that ocean of faces and felt small.

131
00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:18,320
But finally real. I took the microphone.

132
00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:22,920
"Brothers and sisters," I began, my voice firm,

133
00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:26,640
"I can't do it. I can't accept the role of Pope.

134
00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:31,800
Because a Pope must believe, he must lead, he must speak with the voice of God.

135
00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:38,600
I only hear mine." A murmur. Then a long silence.

136
00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:42,200
But I continued: "I ask you for forgiveness.

137
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:47,600
But I also ask you to accept my humanity, my limits, my emptiness."

138
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:52,080
Then I lowered the microphone. The world wasn't ready.

139
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:55,240
But I do. And in that moment, for the first time,

140
00:11:55,240 --> 00:12:17,800
I felt a new strength within me: not to be Pope, but to be me.