WEBVTT 00:00:07.800 --> 00:00:10.040 Abemus Papam 00:00:10.040 --> 00:00:13.520 Chapter 1 – The Pope's Death 00:00:13.520 --> 00:00:15.440 The Pope is dead. They announced it 00:00:15.440 --> 00:00:20.960 early this morning, but I already knew it for hours. I could feel it in the air, in the silence of the rooms, 00:00:20.960 --> 00:00:25.720 in the way the secretaries' footsteps echoed in the corridors of the Vatican. 00:00:25.720 --> 00:00:29.520 I recited the prayers with the other cardinals, but there was 00:00:29.520 --> 00:00:36.680 only one thought in my mind: now the Conclave begins. We gathered in the Sistine Chapel. The 00:00:36.680 --> 00:00:43.600 doors closed behind us, slow, heavy. Nobody spoke. Each of us 00:00:43.600 --> 00:00:50.200 knew what was about to happen: vote, pray, wait, and then vote again, 00:00:50.200 --> 00:00:55.960 again and again, until the Holy Spirit would give us the right name. 00:00:55.960 --> 00:01:03.840 I wasn't prepared. No one ever is, they say. But I felt something different, 00:01:03.840 --> 00:01:10.560 a deep, inexplicable agitation. It wasn't fear. Not yet. 00:01:11.200 --> 00:01:16.400 Outside the world looked at the chimneys, inside the silence was almost violent. 00:01:16.400 --> 00:01:20.520 I looked at the faces of the other cardinals and realized that many hoped not to 00:01:20.520 --> 00:01:24.880 be chosen. Me first. But then why, when I 00:01:24.880 --> 00:01:30.080 saw that first vote with my name, did my heart start beating fast? 00:01:30.080 --> 00:01:37.200 Maybe I had always known it. And perhaps this was my greatest fear. 00:01:37.200 --> 00:01:40.080 Chapter 2 – The Conclave and the choice 00:01:41.160 --> 00:01:44.440 The votes continued to rise. Every time one of the cardinals 00:01:44.440 --> 00:01:47.800 said my name, my stomach would clench a little more. 00:01:47.800 --> 00:01:51.440 I tried not to look at anyone, to appear calm, but 00:01:51.440 --> 00:01:59.720 something uncontrollable was moving inside me. "Melville." Still. "Melville." And again. 00:01:59.720 --> 00:02:05.640 I started hearing a ringing in my ears, as if the world outside was receding. 00:02:05.640 --> 00:02:10.640 Everything became muffled, slow. I could no longer follow the 00:02:10.640 --> 00:02:16.640 rhythm of the voting. My breath was short, but I didn't want to look up. 00:02:16.640 --> 00:02:22.840 Then the moment: 2/3 of the votes. Election confirmed. 00:02:22.840 --> 00:02:26.960 They all looked at me, waiting for my response. 00:02:26.960 --> 00:02:34.120 I only had to say one word: "I accept." My lips moved on their own. I don't 00:02:34.120 --> 00:02:37.920 even know how I did it. I felt hands on my shoulders, 00:02:37.920 --> 00:02:42.040 smiles, whispered prayers. They took me into the room 00:02:42.040 --> 00:02:46.600 to dress up as the Pope, but I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. 00:02:46.600 --> 00:02:51.840 "You need to get ready. You'll be entering the world soon," someone told me. 00:02:51.840 --> 00:02:57.960 I nodded, but my heart was a stone. And as I walked towards the balcony, 00:02:57.960 --> 00:03:03.440 something in me broke. I couldn't do it. 00:03:03.440 --> 00:03:07.440 Chapter 3 – Rejection 00:03:07.440 --> 00:03:12.160 The red curtains were in front of me. One step was enough. It was enough to look out. 00:03:12.160 --> 00:03:16.520 The master of ceremonies was ready. The crowd in the square, in the rain, 00:03:16.520 --> 00:03:22.720 was waiting for that moment: "Abemus Papam." I was there, dressed in white. But inside 00:03:22.720 --> 00:03:25.720 I only felt darkness. My head was spinning, 00:03:25.720 --> 00:03:31.400 my breathing was short, my hands were cold. “Your Eminence, it's time,” 00:03:31.400 --> 00:03:37.600 someone whispered behind me. I wasn't moving. I couldn't. I didn't want to. 00:03:37.600 --> 00:03:44.720 The words ricocheted through my mind like an echo: "You are the Pope. You will lead millions of people. 00:03:44.720 --> 00:03:50.120 You are the voice of God on Earth." But I… I don't have it. I don't have 00:03:50.120 --> 00:03:54.640 that voice. I don't have the strength. I took a step back. 00:03:54.640 --> 00:04:00.080 I whispered, "I can't. I'm sorry. I can't." 00:04:00.080 --> 00:04:05.160 Silence. One of those moments that seem eternal. 00:04:05.800 --> 00:04:09.840 Then, chaos. Hands trying to stop me, voices 00:04:09.840 --> 00:04:17.560 calling me, cardinals looking at each other confused. I walked away. I wasn't running. I was walking slowly, 00:04:17.560 --> 00:04:22.280 towards a corridor, towards something that even I couldn't explain. 00:04:22.280 --> 00:04:25.440 I went back to my room and closed the door. 00:04:25.440 --> 00:04:30.840 I sat down. The Pope has been elected, but the Pope is not there. 00:04:31.560 --> 00:04:36.120 Chapter 4 – The psychoanalyst in the Vatican 00:04:36.120 --> 00:04:41.960 The next day I didn't leave my room. I didn't touch any food. I didn't say a word. 00:04:41.960 --> 00:04:47.600 I heard knocking every now and then. Then nothing more. Just the sound of my breathing. 00:04:47.600 --> 00:04:53.120 Then, in the afternoon, they knocked again. But this time they entered: 00:04:53.120 --> 00:04:58.280 a cardinal and a stranger. A distinguished man, elegant jacket, 00:04:58.280 --> 00:05:04.000 thin glasses. He wasn't a priest. "He's a psychoanalyst," the cardinal said, 00:05:04.000 --> 00:05:09.200 seeking my gaze. I nodded slowly. 00:05:09.200 --> 00:05:13.000 Maybe that's what they wanted: someone to fix me. 00:05:13.000 --> 00:05:17.800 The man introduced himself in a calm voice. He said I wasn't sick, that I wasn't 00:05:17.800 --> 00:05:24.400 I was alone, who was there to listen to me. "I don't want to be Pope," I said. 00:05:24.400 --> 00:05:32.440 It was the first sentence after hours of silence. He wasn't surprised. He just asked, “Why?” 00:05:32.440 --> 00:05:38.120 But I didn't know the answer. It wasn't fear of power. It wasn't weakness. 00:05:38.120 --> 00:05:43.520 It was something deeper. A lack. A void. 00:05:43.520 --> 00:05:50.600 We talked for a while. Not much, actually. Then he said that time was needed, 00:05:50.600 --> 00:05:57.560 that crises are not resolved in a day. I thought: they aren't resolved at all. 00:05:57.560 --> 00:06:04.200 That night I had a dream. And when I woke up I decided to go out. 00:06:04.200 --> 00:06:07.240 Chapter 5 – Escape to the City 00:06:08.080 --> 00:06:12.760 At dawn, before the Vatican woke up, I opened the door and went out. 00:06:12.760 --> 00:06:19.240 Without the white robe. Without ring. Without escort. Just a dark coat and a cap. 00:06:19.240 --> 00:06:21.800 Nobody stopped me. I entered a 00:06:21.800 --> 00:06:26.720 bus, like an ordinary man. Sitting among the people, I listened to the voices, 00:06:26.720 --> 00:06:31.640 the sounds, the real world. Nobody knew who I was. 00:06:31.640 --> 00:06:34.960 For the first time, in days, I was breathing. 00:06:34.960 --> 00:06:40.080 Rome was different from how I remembered it. Or maybe it was me who was different. 00:06:40.080 --> 00:06:44.880 I walked aimlessly, following only my legs. I found myself in a square, 00:06:44.880 --> 00:06:50.840 then in a park, then in front of a theater. A company was rehearsing a show. 00:06:50.840 --> 00:06:56.240 I stopped to watch. A woman noticed me: "Are you looking for someone?" 00:06:56.840 --> 00:07:02.800 “No, maybe myself,” I replied, smiling. He invited me inside. 00:07:02.800 --> 00:07:08.400 I looked at the evidence. The actors who made mistakes, laughed, started again. 00:07:08.400 --> 00:07:16.720 Nobody was perfect. Nobody had to be. One of them asked me: "Do you work in the theater?" 00:07:16.720 --> 00:07:24.040 I hesitated. "No, but I have often played a part." That evening, for the first time, 00:07:24.040 --> 00:07:28.600 I didn't feel like a symbol. And for the first time I thought: 00:07:28.600 --> 00:07:37.040 maybe I'm not meant to be Pope. But how do you say this to the whole world? 00:07:37.040 --> 00:07:41.240 Chapter 6 – The world waits 00:07:41.240 --> 00:07:45.240 Meanwhile in the Vatican it was chaos. Television stations around the world 00:07:45.240 --> 00:07:48.320 kept repeating: "The Pope has been elected, 00:07:48.320 --> 00:07:53.400 but he has not yet appeared. There was white smoke, but no blessing, 00:07:53.400 --> 00:08:01.080 no name, no voice. Only silence." The cardinals were trying to protect the secret. 00:08:01.080 --> 00:08:05.320 "He's praying," they said. "He needs concentration." 00:08:05.320 --> 00:08:08.760 But by now it was clear that something was wrong. 00:08:09.360 --> 00:08:14.400 I watched all this from a small room in a hotel near Trastevere. 00:08:14.400 --> 00:08:20.480 The TV on. My face everywhere, even if blurred, stolen. 00:08:20.480 --> 00:08:26.920 Journalists were looking for answers. The faithful prayed. Some were already disappointed. 00:08:26.920 --> 00:08:31.680 I... I still didn't know what to do. I spoke to the 00:08:31.680 --> 00:08:35.640 psychoanalyst every day, on the phone. I told him about the walks, 00:08:35.640 --> 00:08:40.960 about the laughter I heard among the actors, about the strange dreams I had. 00:08:40.960 --> 00:08:45.360 "What if I don't come back?" I asked him one evening. "What if you come back instead?" 00:08:45.360 --> 00:08:47.920 "But as a man?" He replied. 00:08:47.920 --> 00:08:51.640 That phrase stuck in my head for hours. As a man. 00:08:51.640 --> 00:08:54.280 Not as a symbol. Not as a mask. 00:08:54.280 --> 00:08:59.320 But outside, meanwhile, time passed. And the world waited. 00:08:59.320 --> 00:09:04.640 I had chosen to escape. But now I had to choose whether to face. 00:09:04.640 --> 00:09:08.200 Chapter 7 – The return 00:09:08.200 --> 00:09:12.840 I returned to the Vatican early one morning, as I had left: in silence. 00:09:12.840 --> 00:09:17.000 Nobody applauded me. Nobody hugged me. 00:09:17.000 --> 00:09:21.320 Only low looks, sighs of relief and a lot of tension. 00:09:21.320 --> 00:09:26.280 They welcomed me into a small room where the closest cardinals were waiting for me. 00:09:26.280 --> 00:09:32.600 Words, decisions, a signal awaited me. But I didn't have anything ready yet. 00:09:32.600 --> 00:09:37.480 “What do we have to say to the world?” one of them asked, trying to hide his anxiety. 00:09:37.480 --> 00:09:41.760 I looked at them. And for the first time I spoke with sincerity: 00:09:41.760 --> 00:09:46.400 "Say that the Pope needs time. Say that he is human." 00:09:46.400 --> 00:09:52.000 Silence. Then some murmurs. Disappointment, perhaps. 00:09:52.000 --> 00:09:55.800 But also respect. I asked to see my psychoanalyst, 00:09:55.800 --> 00:10:01.240 this time inside the sacred walls. He came without hesitation. 00:10:01.240 --> 00:10:05.520 We sat across from each other, like old friends. 00:10:05.520 --> 00:10:09.840 "Have you decided, then?" he asked me. I nodded. 00:10:09.840 --> 00:10:16.240 "Yes. I've decided not to pretend anymore. And so… I'm not ready. 00:10:16.240 --> 00:10:20.320 Maybe I never will be." He didn't answer. 00:10:20.320 --> 00:10:25.360 He just looked at me with a calm, almost serene look. 00:10:25.360 --> 00:10:33.040 I had found my voice. Now all that remained was to use it. In front of everyone. 00:10:33.040 --> 00:10:36.560 Chapter 8 – Courage and truth 00:10:37.480 --> 00:10:41.640 That day the square was full again. Umbrellas. Hands clasped. Eyes 00:10:41.640 --> 00:10:45.920 fixed on that empty balcony. The cameras captured every detail. 00:10:45.920 --> 00:10:49.200 The journalists talked about everything, just to fill the wait. 00:10:49.200 --> 00:10:58.160 And I, behind those red curtains, was breathing slowly. I was no longer afraid. I only had truth. 00:10:58.160 --> 00:11:02.320 The master of ceremonies nodded to me. I could go out. 00:11:02.320 --> 00:11:07.280 But not to become Pope. To tell the world that I wouldn't be. 00:11:07.280 --> 00:11:11.360 I appeared. The entire square held its breath. 00:11:11.360 --> 00:11:14.720 I looked at that ocean of faces and felt small. 00:11:14.720 --> 00:11:18.320 But finally real. I took the microphone. 00:11:18.320 --> 00:11:22.920 "Brothers and sisters," I began, my voice firm, 00:11:22.920 --> 00:11:26.640 "I can't do it. I can't accept the role of Pope. 00:11:26.640 --> 00:11:31.800 Because a Pope must believe, he must lead, he must speak with the voice of God. 00:11:31.800 --> 00:11:38.600 I only hear mine." A murmur. Then a long silence. 00:11:38.600 --> 00:11:42.200 But I continued: "I ask you for forgiveness. 00:11:42.200 --> 00:11:47.600 But I also ask you to accept my humanity, my limits, my emptiness." 00:11:47.600 --> 00:11:52.080 Then I lowered the microphone. The world wasn't ready. 00:11:52.080 --> 00:11:55.240 But I do. And in that moment, for the first time, 00:11:55.240 --> 00:12:17.800 I felt a new strength within me: not to be Pope, but to be me.