1 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Actually I'm gonna be quick like Nestle and beat it like Michael Jackson. 2 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 That's why your neighbor said I reminded him of Nicolas Cage, 'cause I'm gone in 60 seconds. 3 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So watch this right here, Dad, look. 4 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Who does this the most on the window: the kids, the dogs, or the ugly black guys that eat fried chicken? 5 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Now you see these water spots? 6 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Customer: Yeah. 7 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Salesman: They get whiter than my elbows without lotion. 8 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [Customer chuckles] 9 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Watch this dedden em up to hear. 10 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 'Cause Stevie Wonder says "seein' is believin'," and I got a disease called enthusiasm, so I'm gonna cut straight to the mustard. 11 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Watch this, though. Don't laugh too hard, 'cause the neighbors gonna see this black kid scrubbin' your window, okay? 12 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [customer laughing] 13 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 But look, wax on, wax off, like Mr. Miyagi. Remember the Karate Kid? 14 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Now watch this-- the air dry, look, it puts a coating on your window. 15 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 No water spots, no fingerprints, no streaks. 16 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 That's why we can't sell it to criminals. 17 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Don't tell O.J. or Tiger Woods, okay? 18 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 High five there! They been lovin' this stuff! 19 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Now there, y'all, you and Mom, y'all, would agree -- oh my God! You see this right here! Who did that?! Who did that?! 20 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Customer: I did. 21 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Salesman: Okay, watch this. Now, my mom said if it's darker than me and it don't pay the bills, it shouldn't be there, right? 22 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [customer laughing] Salesman: God bless you, hahaha. 23 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Now look, this right here, we just upgraded like Beyonce. 24 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 This is our new surfactant. 25 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Hold this and watch this, 'cause this should be the main reason why you get the HBO special. 26 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 You know what HBO means? 27 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Customer: No. 28 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Salesman: You get to help a brother out. [both laughing] 29 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Yeah, I've been on the roll like toilet paper. Half of your neighbors in the community -- they said they just gonna get it 'cause I'm funny, 'cause this stuff sells itself. 30 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Look, you just go back and forth like a argument. [customer laughing] 31 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Now I ain't Jesus, but look how I split that like Moses did the Red Sea. 32 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Paint me green and call me a pickle. 33 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And look at this right here, look. Goes good with chicken. Don't drink it, though, or it will give you the Hershey squirts. 34 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 But look, that one bottle will last you longer than my last relationship. 35 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Y'all got water, right? 36 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Customer: [laughing] Yeah. 37 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 High five, you qualified to use it! 38 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Over here, mama. Now, this is my last demo and I'm out your hair quicker than your favorite shampoo. 39 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Y'all familiar with these right here, Sharpies? 40 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Customer [laughing]: Yeah. 41 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Now, watch this, even though I'm black, it ain't black magic. It just work. 42 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 'Cause look, say you got this in the clothes or the carpets or the laundry. 43 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Would you agree that's hard to get out? 44 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Customer: Probably. 45 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Salesman: Would you throw it out, Shout it out, get O.J. to stab it out, Mike Tyson to bite it out-- 46 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 -Customer 2: Throw it out. -Salesman: --Kobe Bryant to-- 47 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Salesman: [pauses, indistinct] Customer 2: Oh, okay, you weren't done. 48 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Salesman: It was a multiple choice funny joke. 49 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 'Cause you know you can't throw bleach on colors, right? 50 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Customer: Sure. 51 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Salesman: Look at this. This is safe on colors. That's why we can't sell it to Sammy Sosa. 52 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [customer laughing] But look, you just spray the spray, right? 53 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Now, this right here takes out ink, blood, coffee stains, grass stains, Kool-Aid, lipstick, gum, blue candle wax. 54 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Would you say that's whiter than the Colgate smile? 55 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [customer laughing] 56 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Oh my goodness, you see that? 57 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Customer: Can I use it on my teeth? 58 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Salesman: It ain't Jesus in a bottle. I use it on mine, they turn brown. No, I'm just kidding. 59 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 But no, you just use it on-- for your house. 60 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 What's the hardest thing to clean? Would it be carpet, the tile, barbecue grills, the shower doors, that oil and rust in the driveway that's blacker than my mother but not as beautiful, or that calcium right there? 61 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Customer 2: Can I put this on YouTube? 62 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Salesman: Yes, ma'am. 63 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Customer 2: What are you selling? 64 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Salesman: Personality. Customer: Show them. 65 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Salesman: But this sells itself, though. It's called Advantage to Wonder Cleaner, best thing since cake and ice cream. 66 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Now, unlike Madonna, it's never been touched, so when you put two caps in a bottle-- 67 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [customer laughing] 68 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Well, I just come-- most of your neighbors, they just get it 'cause they like me. 69 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Y'all familiar with Tony Robbins? Customer: Yeah. 70 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Salesman: See, I'm takin' his course 'cause this how Jamie Foxx started off, door-to-door. 71 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And he said two years of door-to-door sellin' is the equivalent of four years of college communication, how you interact with different people, that's why half of the neighbors don't buy it 'cause it work; they just buy it 'cause they like my tenacity, 'cause they said it ain't an easy task goin' door to door. 72 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Customer 2: How much is it? 73 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Salesman: I'm pretty sure Windex and bleach ain't never knocked on ya'll door and made you laugh while Mom went and got the camcorder just to tape it, right? 74 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 High five, that's all I'm sayin'! 75 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 But whatchall do for a livin'? Y'all must be in sales too! 76 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Customer: Kind of. We-- 77 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Salesman: I know, 'cause your house bigger than my whole neighborhood! Zig Ziglar say, "Every great salesperson buy from a good one," right? 78 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 God bless you. 79 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 But that's what I said -- just try the one. You only gotta buy the case today like mail line. 80 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 My mom said if you can't get the whole chicken, at least get the wing, right? Oatmeal be eatin' oatmeal. 81 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 But like I said, you only put two caps, twenty ounces of water. So that one bottle make you 68 sprayers. But you should just save my autograph because by the time you run out, you probably see me on Last Comic Standing, and then you go to eBay and get your money back. 82 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [customer laughing] 83 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Well, 'cause even Jesus said if you give a person a fish, you could feed him for a day, but if you teach him how to fish, you could feed him for a lifetime, right? 84 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Customer: Sure. 85 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 God bless you, but if y'all had it, what would you try it on first, that right here, or the hard water spot, or just-- just something fun? 86 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Customer: Huh, what? I don't know. How much is it? 87 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Well, the one bottle is just $36 a bottle, and you get a spray bottle -- it makes you 68 bottles. 88 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I just get 50% of that, because if I don't sell nothin' I don't get nothin'. That's why your neighbor, he said, "I'm just gonna get it 'cause you're funny," 'cause the one thing that your neighbors didn't say-- look, right here. You know, all of these cleaners -- this is another joke, though, so tape this one. 89 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 But do you know all of these cleaners right here y'all use? 90 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Customer: Uh-huh. 91 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 They said this stuff is like a pregnant lady on welfare -- it don't work! 92 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Okay. 93 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 You get it? 'Cause you know there's Clorox, Simple Green, 409, Comet, Spic 'n Span, Pinesol, y'all probably use a lot of those, right? 94 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Mm-hmm. 95 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Now if you had a choice of grabbin' a solid dollar or a hundred pennies, what's easier? 96 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Dollar. 97 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 High five there! See, you sharper than a Gillette, that's what I'm talking about! 98 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 [laughing] 99 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Now, this should be really the check test for y'all, though. Now, Mom, you see our door handle? That brass? 100 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Oh my god. Pull the door. Watch this. This should be the main reason why y'all get the get-rid-of-me special. 101 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Customer: Alright. 102 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Customer 2: Can you sell it for $30? 103 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Salesman: I'll get fired right now, but what you can do, Mom, you can write this off for fundraising, though. 104 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 That's what most your neighbors been doing. 105 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Customer 2: What? What? What? 106 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Salesman: You get the right-- Customer 2: Was that a yes? 107 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Salesman: [chuckles] I like you, Mom. 108 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 You must be a teacher. 109 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Customer 2: No. 110 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Salesman: 'Cause you got a lot of class. [customer laughing] 111 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 But you see right here, though? For real? No, you get to write it off, though. 112 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 That's why a lot f your neighbors don't do it from they pocket; they do it from they heart. 113 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 But I'll tell you what I can do. 114 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 If y'all get the one bottle, I'm going to throw in a free Mary Kay Christian Dior Calvin Klein Louis Vuitton spray bottle to go with it. 115 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 But this should be the check test, though. 116 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 You see this brass right here? 117 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Now I'm gonna be all-- when's the last time y'all seen this look shiny like a baby heinie? 118 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 When y'all first bought the house? 119 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 God bless you. 120 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Watch this right here. 121 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Customer: It's so old. 122 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Salesman: I know. Now it's about to be brand new. 123 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 It's gonna go from 79 to 2010. 124 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Look at that! Oh my goodness! 125 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 There, that's worth a bottle right there. 126 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Customer: Can you wipe that off the door down there? 127 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Salesman: Now don't panic; it's organic. Remember, I told you, it won't fade color. 128 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Remember, that's why we couldn't-- that's why we could sell it to Michael Jackson. 129 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Well, our product meet OSHA, USDA, EPA, and PETA. 130 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 You know this is safe around dogs, unlike Michael Vick? 131 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And it's safe around kids, unlike Pee-wee Herman. 132 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 High five! Oh yeah! 133 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Would you say this show alone worth me getting a commission off that one bottle? 134 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Customer: Hell yeah! 135 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Salesman: Well yeah, that's why you should do it from your heart. 136 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 You think I could do standup comedy? 137 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Customer: Oh yeah! 138 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Salesman: That's the only reason why I'm doing this. 139 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 This is a stepping stone for me! 140 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Because I get a commission to pay for my acting school. 141 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 That's why a lot of your neighbors-- 142 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Are you from around here? 143 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I'm from my mama. Don't tell my daddy he a faggot, but I -- we stay out here now, yeah. We stay on-- 144 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 (Customer #2) What's your name? 145 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Kenny Brooks. Watch, you gonna see me on TV. 146 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Make sure you tape that -- Kenny Brooks! 147 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 (Customer) Well, 'cause, uh, 'cause I think, if you're around, 'cause we play music and bands, and we have a-- it'd be perfect to have you come up and, you know, between bands, and say some shit. 148 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 High five there! Why y'all so nice, man? Y'all cooler than the other side of the pillow! 149 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Dang, if I had y'all hairs, I'd cut mine off! 150 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 'Cause your neighbors been workin' me like I'm black and payin' me like I'm Mexican; that's what I'm trying to get off. 151 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I had one neighbor tryin' to make me clean the toilet. 152 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I was like, "Dang." [both laughing] 153 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 But that's what I said, just try one, 'cause I know that ain't gonna take the cheese out y'all macaroni, and Mom, it ain't like you can't use it, though, 'cause you use it on everything. 154 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Only thing you can't use it on is dirty man, dirty soul, and nosy neighbors-- that's why we ain't call it Jesus in a bottle. 155 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And there, you know them bugs that commit suicide on the front of your car? 156 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Yeah? 157 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 They told me the bugs out here are as bad as the morning breath. 158 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Watch this right here -- 'cause see, it's unisex. 159 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 But, but-- 160 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 It's made for-- 161 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I have to leave, though. 162 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Ok, we'll just try one. You can do cash, check, or chicken wings, 'cause you're gettin' this right now. 163 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 You don't even have to wait on it. 164 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 We faster than UPS or FedEx. 165 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Most your neighbor just been doin' cash or makin' it out to the company. 166 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Could you get it right now? 167 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And I'm gonna get y'all a spray bottle just 'cause you ain't makin' me clean the toilet. 168 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 (Customer 2) Okay. 169 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 God bless you!