1
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Actually I'm gonna be quick like Nestle
and beat it like Michael Jackson.

2
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
That's why your neighbor
said I reminded him of Nicolas Cage,

3
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
'cause I'm gone in 60 seconds.
So watch this right here, Dad, look.

4
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Who does this the
most on the window:

5
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
the kids, the dogs, or the ugly black guys
that eat fried chicken?

6
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now you see these water spots? Look!

7
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(customer) Yeah.

8
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(Salesman) They get whiter than
my elbows without lotion.

9
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(customer chuckles)

10
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Watch this [indistinct]

11
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
'Cause Stevie Wonder
says "seein' is believin',"

12
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and I got a disease called enthusiasm,
so I'm gonna cut straight to the mustard.

13
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Watch this, though
Don't laugh too hard,

14
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
'cause the neighbors gonna see this
black kid scrubbin' your window, okay?

15
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(customer laughing)

16
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But look, wax on, wax off, like Mr. Miyagi.
Remember the Karate Kid?

17
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now watch this-- the air dry, look,
it puts a coating on your window.

18
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
No water spots, no fingerprints,
no streaks.

19
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
That's why we can't sell it to criminals.
Don't tell O.J. or Tiger Woods, okay?

20
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(customer laughing) High five there!
They been lovin' this stuff!

21
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now there, y'all, you and Mom, y'all,
would agree -- oh my god!

22
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You see this right here!
Who did that?! Who did that?!

23
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(customer) I did.

24
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(salesman) Okay, watch this.

25
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now, my mom said if it's darker than me
and it don't pay the bills,

26
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
it shouldn't be there, right?

27
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(customer laughing)
Salesman: God bless you, hahaha.

28
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now look, this right here--
we just upgraded like Beyonce.

29
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
This is our new surfactant.

30
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Hold this and watch this,
'cause this should be the main reason

31
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
why you get the HBO special.
You know what HBO means?

32
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(customer) No.

33
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(salesman) You get to help a brother out.
(both laughing)

34
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Yeah, I've been on the roll
like toilet paper.

35
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Half of your neighbors in the community--
they said they just gonna get it

36
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
'cause I'm funny,
'cause this stuff sells itself.

37
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Look, you just go back and forth
like a argument. (customer laughing)

38
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now I ain't Jesus, but look how
I split that like Moses did the Red Sea.

39
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Paint me green and call me a pickle.

40
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And look at this right here, look.
Goes good with chicken.

41
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Don't drink it, though,
or it will give you the Hershey squirts.

42
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But look, that one bottle will last you
longer than my last relationship.

43
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Y'all got water, right?

44
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(customer)(laughing) Yeah.

45
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
High five, you qualified to use it!
Over here, mama.

46
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now, this is my last demo
and I'm out your hair

47
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
quicker than your favorite shampoo.

48
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Y'all familiar with these
right here-- Sharpies?

49
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(customer)(laughing) Yeah.

50
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now, watch this-- even though I'm black,
it ain't black magic. It just work.

51
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
'Cause look, say you got this in the
clothes or the carpets or the laundry.

52
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Would you agree that's hard to get out?

53
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(customer) Probably.

54
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(salesman) Would you throw it out,
Shout it out, get O.J. to stab it out,

55
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Mike Tyson to bite it out--

56
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
-(customer 2) Throw it out.
-(salesman) --Kobe Bryant to--

57
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
-(salesman)(indistinct)
-(customer 2) Oh, okay, you weren't done.

58
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(salesman) It was a
multiple choice funny joke.

59
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
'Cause you know you can't
throw bleach on colors, right?

60
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(customer) Sure.

61
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(salesman) Look at this.
This is safe on colors.

62
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
That's why we can't
sell it to Sammy Sosa.

63
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(customer laughing)
But look, you just spray the spray, right?

64
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now, this right here takes out ink,
blood, coffee stains, grass stains,

65
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Kool-Aid, lipstick, gum, blue candle wax.

66
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Would you say that's whiter
than the Colgate smile?

67
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(customer laughing)

68
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Oh my goodness, you see that?

69
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(customer) Can I use it on my teeth?

70
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(salesman) It ain't Jesus in a bottle.

71
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I use it on mine, they turn brown.
No, I'm just kidding.

72
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But no, you just use it on--
for your house.

73
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
What's the hardest thing to clean?

74
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Would it be carpet, the tile,
barbecue grills, the shower doors,

75
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
that oil and rust in the driveway
that's blacker than my mother

76
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
but not as beautiful,
or that calcium right there?

77
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
-(customer 2) Can I put this on YouTube?
-(salesman) Yes, ma'am.

78
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
-(customer 2) What are you selling?
-(salesman) Personality.

79
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(customer) Show them.

80
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(salesman) But this sells itself, though.

81
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It's called Advantage to Wonder Cleaner,
best thing since cake and ice cream.

82
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now, unlike Madonna,
it's never been touched,

83
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
so when you put two caps in a bottle--
(customer laughing)

84
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Well, I just come--
most of your neighbors,

85
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
they just get it
'cause they like me.

86
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Y'all familiar with Tony Robbins?
(customers) Yeah.

87
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(salesman) See,
I'm takin' his course

88
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
'cause this how Jamie Foxx
started off, door-to-door.

89
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And he said two years
of door-to-door sellin'

90
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
is the equivalent of four years
of college communication,

91
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
how you interact with different people,

92
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
that's why half of the neighbors
don't buy it 'cause it work;

93
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
they just buy it 'cause
they like my tenacity,

94
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
'cause they said it ain't an easy task
goin' door to door.

95
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(customer 2) How much is it?

96
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I'm pretty sure Windex and bleach
ain't never knocked on ya'll door

97
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and made you laugh while Mom went and
got the camcorder just to tape it, right?

98
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
High five, that's all I'm sayin'!

99
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But whatchall do for a livin'?
Y'all must be in sales too!

100
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Kind of. We--

101
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I know, 'cause your house bigger
than my whole neighborhood!

102
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Zig Ziglar say, "Every great salesperson
buy from a good one," right?

103
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
God bless you.
But that's why I said, just try the one.

104
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You don't even gotta buy
the case today like Madeline.

105
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
My mom said if you can't
get the whole chicken,

106
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
at least get the wing, right?
Oatmeal be eatin' oatmeal.

107
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But like I said, you only put two caps,
twenty ounces of water,

108
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
so that one bottle
make you 68 sprayers.

109
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But you should just save my autograph
because by the time you run out,

110
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
you probably see me
on Last Comic Standing,

111
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and then you go to eBay
and get your money back.

112
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(customer laughing)

113
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Well, 'cause even Jesus said
if you give a person a fish,

114
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
you could feed him for a day,
but if you teach him how to fish,

115
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
you could feed him
for a lifetime, right?

116
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Sure.

117
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
God bless you, but if y'all had it,
what would you try it on first,

118
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
that right here, or the hard water spot,
or just-- just something fun?

119
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Huh, what? I don't know.
How much is it?

120
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Well, the one bottle
is just $36 a bottle,

121
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and you get a spray bottle--
it makes you 68 bottles.

122
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I just get 50% of that, because if
I don't sell nothin', I don't get nothin'.

123
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
That's why your neighbor, he said,

124
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"I'm just gonna get it
'cause you're funny,"

125
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
'cause the one thing that your
neighbors didn't say-- look, right here.

126
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You know, all of these cleaners--

127
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
this is another joke, though,
so tape this one.

128
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But do you know all of these
cleaners right here y'all use?

129
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Uh-huh.

130
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
They said this stuff is like a
pregnant lady on welfare-- it don't work!

131
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Okay.

132
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You get it? 'Cause you know there's
Clorox, Simple Green, 409,

133
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Comet, Spic 'n Span, Pine Sol--
y'all probably use a lot of those, right?

134
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Mm-hmm.

135
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now if you had a choice of grabbin' a solid dollar or a hundred pennies, what's easier?

136
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Dollar.

137
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
High five there!

138
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
See, you sharper than a Gillette,
that's what I'm talking about!

139
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
[laughing]

140
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now, this should be really
the check test for y'all, though.

141
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now, Mom, you see our door handle?
That brass?

142
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Oh my god. Pull the door. Watch this.

143
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
This should be the main reason why
y'all get the get-rid-of-me special.

144
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(customer) Alright.

145
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(customer 2) Can you sell it for $30?

146
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I'll get fired right now, but what you can do, Mom, you can write this off for fundraising, though.

147
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
That's what most your neighbors been doing.

148
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Customer 2: What? What? What?

149
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Salesman: You get the right--
Customer 2: Was that a yes?

150
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Salesman: [chuckles] I like you, Mom.

151
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You must be a teacher.

152
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Customer 2: No.

153
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Salesman: 'Cause you got a lot of class.
[customer laughing]

154
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But you see right here, though? For real? No, you get to write it off, though.

155
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
That's why a lot f your neighbors don't do it from they pocket; they do it from they heart.

156
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But I'll tell you what I can do.

157
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
If y'all get the one bottle, I'm going to throw in a free Mary Kay Christian Dior Calvin Klein Louis Vuitton spray bottle to go with it.

158
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But this should be the check test, though.

159
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You see this brass right here?

160
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now I'm gonna be all-- when's the last time y'all seen this look shiny like a baby heinie?

161
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
When y'all first bought the house?

162
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
God bless you.

163
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Watch this right here.

164
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Customer: It's so old.

165
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Salesman: I know. Now it's about to be brand new.

166
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It's gonna go from 79 to 2010.

167
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Look at that! Oh my goodness!

168
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
There, that's worth a bottle right there.

169
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Customer: Can you wipe that off the door down there?

170
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Salesman: Now don't panic; it's organic. Remember, I told you, it won't fade color.

171
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Remember, that's why we couldn't-- that's why we could sell it to Michael Jackson.

172
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Well, our product meet OSHA, USDA, EPA, and PETA.

173
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You know this is safe around dogs, unlike Michael Vick?

174
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And it's safe around kids, unlike Pee-wee Herman.

175
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
High five! Oh yeah!

176
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Would you say this show alone worth me getting a commission off that one bottle?

177
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Customer: Hell yeah!

178
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Salesman: Well yeah, that's why you should do it from your heart.

179
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You think I could do standup comedy?

180
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Customer: Oh yeah!

181
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Salesman: That's the only reason why I'm doing this.

182
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
This is a stepping stone for me!

183
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Because I get a commission to pay for my acting school.

184
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
That's why a lot of your neighbors--

185
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Are you from around here?

186
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I'm from my mama. Don't tell my daddy he a faggot, but I -- we stay out here now, yeah. We stay on--

187
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(Customer #2) What's your name?

188
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Kenny Brooks. Watch, you gonna see me on TV.

189
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Make sure you tape that -- Kenny Brooks!

190
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(Customer) Well, 'cause, uh, 'cause I think, if you're around, 'cause we play music and bands, and we have a-- it'd be perfect to have you come up and, you know, between bands, and say some shit.

191
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
High five there! Why y'all so nice, man? Y'all cooler than the other side of the pillow!

192
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Dang, if I had y'all hairs, I'd cut mine off!

193
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
'Cause your neighbors been workin' me like I'm black and payin' me like I'm Mexican; that's what I'm trying to get off.

194
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I had one neighbor tryin' to make me clean the toilet.

195
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I was like, "Dang."
[both laughing]

196
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But that's what I said, just try one, 'cause I know that ain't gonna take the cheese out y'all macaroni, and Mom, it ain't like you can't use it, though, 'cause you use it on everything.

197
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Only thing you can't use it on is dirty man, dirty soul, and nosy neighbors-- that's why we ain't call it Jesus in a bottle.

198
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And there, you know them bugs that commit suicide on the front of your car?

199
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Yeah?

200
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
They told me the bugs out here are as bad as the morning breath.

201
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Watch this right here -- 'cause see, it's unisex.

202
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But, but--

203
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It's made for--

204
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I have to leave, though.

205
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Ok, we'll just try one. You can do cash, check, or chicken wings, 'cause you're gettin' this right now.

206
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You don't even have to wait on it.

207
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
We faster than UPS or FedEx.

208
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Most your neighbor just been doin' cash or makin' it out to the company.

209
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Could you get it right now?

210
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And I'm gonna get y'all a spray bottle just 'cause you ain't makin' me clean the toilet.

211
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(Customer 2) Okay.

212
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
God bless you!