9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Actually I'm gonna be quick like Nestle[br]and beat it like Michael Jackson.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
That's why your neighbor[br]said I reminded him of Nicolas Cage,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
'cause I'm gone in 60 seconds.[br]So watch this right here, Dad, look.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Who does this the[br]most on the window:

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
the kids, the dogs, or the ugly black guys[br]that eat fried chicken?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now you see these water spots? Look!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer) Yeah.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Salesman) They get whiter than[br]my elbows without lotion.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer chuckles)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Watch this [indistinct]

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
'Cause Stevie Wonder[br]says "seein' is believin',"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and I got a disease called enthusiasm,[br]so I'm gonna cut straight to the mustard.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Watch this, though[br]Don't laugh too hard,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
'cause the neighbors gonna see this[br]black kid scrubbin' your window, okay?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer laughing)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But look, wax on, wax off, like Mr. Miyagi.[br]Remember the Karate Kid?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now watch this-- the air dry, look,[br]it puts a coating on your window.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
No water spots, no fingerprints,[br]no streaks.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
That's why we can't sell it to criminals.[br]Don't tell O.J. or Tiger Woods, okay?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer laughing) High five there![br]They been lovin' this stuff!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now there, y'all, you and Mom, y'all,[br]would agree -- oh my god!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You see this right here![br]Who did that?! Who did that?!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer) I did.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(salesman) Okay, watch this.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now, my mom said if it's darker than me[br]and it don't pay the bills,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
it shouldn't be there, right?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer laughing)[br]Salesman: God bless you, hahaha.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now look, this right here--[br]we just upgraded like Beyonce.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
This is our new surfactant.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Hold this and watch this,[br]'cause this should be the main reason

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
why you get the HBO special.[br]You know what HBO means?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer) No.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(salesman) You get to help a brother out.[br](both laughing)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Yeah, I've been on the roll[br]like toilet paper.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Half of your neighbors in the community--[br]they said they just gonna get it

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
'cause I'm funny,[br]'cause this stuff sells itself.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Look, you just go back and forth[br]like a argument. (customer laughing)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now I ain't Jesus, but look how[br]I split that like Moses did the Red Sea.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Paint me green and call me a pickle.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And look at this right here, look.[br]Goes good with chicken.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Don't drink it, though,[br]or it will give you the Hershey squirts.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But look, that one bottle will last you[br]longer than my last relationship.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Y'all got water, right?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer)(laughing) Yeah.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
High five, you qualified to use it![br]Over here, mama.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now, this is my last demo[br]and I'm out your hair

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
quicker than your favorite shampoo.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Y'all familiar with these[br]right here-- Sharpies?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer)(laughing) Yeah.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now, watch this-- even though I'm black,[br]it ain't black magic. It just work.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
'Cause look, say you got this in the[br]clothes or the carpets or the laundry.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Would you agree that's hard to get out?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer) Probably.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(salesman) Would you throw it out,[br]Shout it out, get O.J. to stab it out,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Mike Tyson to bite it out--

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
-(customer 2) Throw it out.[br]-(salesman) --Kobe Bryant to--

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
-(salesman)(indistinct)[br]-(customer 2) Oh, okay, you weren't done.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(salesman) It was a[br]multiple choice funny joke.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
'Cause you know you can't[br]throw bleach on colors, right?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer) Sure.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(salesman) Look at this.[br]This is safe on colors.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
That's why we can't[br]sell it to Sammy Sosa.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer laughing)[br]But look, you just spray the spray, right?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now, this right here takes out ink,[br]blood, coffee stains, grass stains,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Kool-Aid, lipstick, gum, blue candle wax.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Would you say that's whiter[br]than the Colgate smile?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer laughing)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Oh my goodness, you see that?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer) Can I use it on my teeth?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(salesman) It ain't Jesus in a bottle.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I use it on mine, they turn brown.[br]No, I'm just kidding.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But no, you just use it on--[br]for your house.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
What's the hardest thing to clean?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Would it be carpet, the tile,[br]barbecue grills, the shower doors,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that oil and rust in the driveway[br]that's blacker than my mother

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but not as beautiful,[br]or that calcium right there?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
-(customer 2) Can I put this on YouTube?[br]-(salesman) Yes, ma'am.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
-(customer 2) What are you selling?[br]-(salesman) Personality.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer) Show them.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(salesman) But this sells itself, though.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It's called Advantage to Wonder Cleaner,[br]best thing since cake and ice cream.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now, unlike Madonna,[br]it's never been touched,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
so when you put two caps in a bottle--[br](customer laughing)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Well, I just come--[br]most of your neighbors,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
they just get it[br]'cause they like me.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Y'all familiar with Tony Robbins?[br](customers) Yeah.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(salesman) See,[br]I'm takin' his course

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
'cause this how Jamie Foxx[br]started off, door-to-door.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And he said two years[br]of door-to-door sellin'

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
is the equivalent of four years[br]of college communication,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
how you interact with different people,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that's why half of the neighbors[br]don't buy it 'cause it work;

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
they just buy it 'cause[br]they like my tenacity,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
'cause they said it ain't an easy task[br]goin' door to door.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer 2) How much is it?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I'm pretty sure Windex and bleach[br]ain't never knocked on ya'll door

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and made you laugh while Mom went and[br]got the camcorder just to tape it, right?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
High five, that's all I'm sayin'!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But whatchall do for a livin'?[br]Y'all must be in sales too!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Kind of. We--

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I know, 'cause your house bigger[br]than my whole neighborhood!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Zig Ziglar say, "Every great salesperson[br]buy from a good one," right?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
God bless you.[br]But that's why I said, just try the one.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You don't even gotta buy[br]the case today like Madeline.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
My mom said if you can't[br]get the whole chicken,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
at least get the wing, right?[br]Oatmeal be eatin' oatmeal.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But like I said, you only put two caps,[br]twenty ounces of water,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
so that one bottle[br]make you 68 sprayers.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But you should just save my autograph[br]because by the time you run out,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
you probably see me[br]on Last Comic Standing,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and then you go to eBay[br]and get your money back.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer laughing)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Well, 'cause even Jesus said[br]if you give a person a fish,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
you could feed him for a day,[br]but if you teach him how to fish,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
you could feed him[br]for a lifetime, right?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Sure.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
God bless you, but if y'all had it,[br]what would you try it on first,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that right here, or the hard water spot,[br]or just-- just something fun?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Huh, what? I don't know.[br]How much is it?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Well, the one bottle[br]is just $36 a bottle,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and you get a spray bottle--[br]it makes you 68 bottles.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I just get 50% of that, because if[br]I don't sell nothin', I don't get nothin'.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
That's why your neighbor, he said,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"I'm just gonna get it[br]'cause you're funny,"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
'cause the one thing that your[br]neighbors didn't say-- look, right here.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You know, all of these cleaners--

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
this is another joke, though,[br]so tape this one.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But do you know all of these[br]cleaners right here y'all use?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Uh-huh.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
They said this stuff is like a[br]pregnant lady on welfare-- it don't work!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Okay.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You get it? 'Cause you know there's[br]Clorox, Simple Green, 409,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Comet, Spic 'n Span, Pine Sol--[br]y'all probably use a lot of those, right?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Mm-hmm.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now if you had a choice of grabbin' a solid dollar or a hundred pennies, what's easier?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Dollar.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
High five there!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
See, you sharper than a Gillette,[br]that's what I'm talking about!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
[laughing]

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now, this should be really[br]the check test for y'all, though.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now, Mom, you see our door handle?[br]That brass?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Oh my god. Pull the door. Watch this.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
This should be the main reason why[br]y'all get the get-rid-of-me special.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer) Alright.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer 2) Can you sell it for $30?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I'll get fired right now,[br]but what you can do, Mom,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
you can write this off[br]for fundraising, though.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
That's what most your[br]neighbors been doing.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer 2) What? What? What?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
-(salesman) You get the right--[br]-(customer 2) Was that a yes?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(chuckling) I like you, Mom.[br]You must be a teacher.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer 2) No.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
'Cause you got a lot of class.[br](customer laughing)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But you see right here, though? For real?[br]No, you get to write it off, though.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
That's why a lot f your neighbors[br]don't do it from they pocket;

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
they do it from they heart.[br]But I'll tell you what I can do.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
If y'all get the one bottle,[br]I'm going to throw in a free

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Mary Kay / Christian Dior / Calvin Klein /[br]Louis Vuitton spray bottle to go with it.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But this should be[br]the check test, though--

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
you see this brass right here?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now I'm gonna be all--[br]when's the last time

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
y'all seen this look shiny[br]like a baby heinie?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
When y'all first bought the house?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
God bless you.[br]Watch this right here.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer) It's so old.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(salesman) I know.[br]Now it's about to be brand new.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It's gonna go from 79 to 2010.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Look at that! Oh my goodness!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer) Are you shitting me?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(salesman) There--[br]that's worth a bottle right there.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer) Can you wipe that off[br]the door down there?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(salesman) Now don't panic; it's organic.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Remember, I told you,[br]it won't fade color.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Remember, that's why we couldn't--

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that's why we could[br]sell it to Michael Jackson.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Well, our product meet[br]OSHA, USDA, EPA, and PETA.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You know this is safe around dogs,[br]unlike Michael Vick?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And it's safe around kids,[br]unlike Pee-wee Herman.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
High five! Oh yeah!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Would you say this show alone worth me[br]getting a commission off that one bottle?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer) Hell yeah!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(salesman) Well yeah, that's why[br]you should do it from your heart.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You think I could do standup comedy?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Oh yeah!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
That's the only reason why I'm doing this.[br]This is a stepping stone for me!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Because I get a commission[br]to pay for my acting school.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
That's why a lot of your neighbors--

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Are you from around here?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I'm from my mama.[br]Don't tell my daddy he a faggot, but I--

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
we stay out here now, yeah.[br]We stay on--

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer 2) What's your name?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Kenny Brooks.[br]Watch, you gonna see me on TV.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Make sure you tape that:[br]Kenny Brooks!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer) Well, 'cause, uh,[br]'cause I think, if you're around,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
'cause we play music and bands,[br]and we have a--

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
it'd be perfect to have you[br]come up and, you know,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
between bands, and say some shit.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
High five there![br]Why y'all so nice, man?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Y'all cooler than the[br]other side of the pillow!

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Dang, if I had your hands,[br]I'd cut my hands off.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
'Cause your neighbors been[br]workin' me like I'm black

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and payin' me like I'm Mexican;[br]that's what I'm trying to get off.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I had one neighbor tryin' to[br]make me clean the toilet.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(both laughing)[br]I was like, "Dang."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But that's what I said, just try one,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
'cause I know that ain't gonna[br]take the cheese out y'all macaroni,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and Mom, it ain't like you can't use it,[br]though, 'cause you use it on everything.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Only thing you can't use it on is[br]dirty man, dirty soul, and nosy neighbors--

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that's why we ain't call it[br]"Jesus in a bottle."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And there, you know them bugs that[br]commit suicide on the front of your car?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Yeah?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
They told me the bugs out here are[br]as bad as the morning breath.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Watch this right here--[br]'cause see, it's unisex.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But, but--

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
-It's made for--[br]-I have to leave, though.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Okay, we'll just try one.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You can do cash, check, or chicken wings,[br]'cause you're gettin' this right now.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You don't even have to wait on it.[br]We faster than UPS or FedEx.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Most your neighbor just been doin' cash[br]or makin' it out to the company.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Could you get it right now?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And I'm gonna get y'all[br]a spray bottle

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
just 'cause you ain't[br]makin' me clean the toilet.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(customer 2) Okay.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
God bless you!