WEBVTT

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Hello!

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(Applause)

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Reno, Nevada,

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the biggest little city,

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look at us!

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Oh, I am so excited
to be here, you guys.

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Listen, when they first
asked me to do this,

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they were like, "Hey,
would you like to do a TEDx Talk?"

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And I was like, "Me?!

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Yes, I would love to talk
about something important

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and think about an idea worth sharing."

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And they're like, "No, no, no.
Just say your jokes."

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(Laughter)

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Oh, cool, cool cool! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

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I'll do that. I'll do that.

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Let me just share
some jokes with you today.

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I've been doing stand-up comedy
for almost 12 years now.

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And when I first started,
I was young and fresh.

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Now I'm getting older.

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I mean, I know, I still look young.

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Thank you so much!

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(Laughter)

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But I'm getting older, you guys.

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And this is how you know
you're getting older:

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when you hurt your back

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but you don't know how.

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(Laughter)

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Like, I don't even have
a cool story to tell you guys.

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(Laughter)

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(Laughter)

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Like, I can't be like, "Oh yeah, 
last week I was skiing, and ...

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(Laughter)

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you know how I do this.

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I went hard."

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(Laughter)

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No, I was putting my socks on.

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(Laughter)

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Yeah, I went hard.

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(Laughter)

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Getting older -

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Have you ever been walking down the street
minding your own business,

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and all of a sudden,
your knee is like, "Hey!"

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(Laughter)

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And you're like, "What happened?"

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(Laughter)

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We know how to do this!"

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(Laughter)

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I hurt my back,
so I went to get a massage.

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And this next part of my story
you're probably not even going to believe.

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You're going to be like,
"Oh, she just made that up for a joke."

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Promise you, no, I didn't.

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(Laughter)

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Went to get a massage,

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and the guy who was giving me
my massage fell asleep.

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(Laughter)

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I know.

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I know you're probably thinking
to yourselves right now,

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"How is that even possible?"

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(Laughter)

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I didn't know it was an option either.

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(Laughter)

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(Laughter)

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Apparently, I'm really good
at reverse relaxation.

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But I should have known,

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I should have known
it was going to be weird

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because it started off weird.

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He started by asking me
these seance type questions.

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He was like, "Okay, close your eyes,
take a deep breath.

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Now tell me, Where are you?"

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(Laughter)

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(Breathes in)

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"Massage Envy."

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(Laughter)

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(Laughter)

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"Now tell me, What are you?"

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"A girl?

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(Laughter)

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Um, I don't like this part
of the massage."

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So he starts by rubbing my feet, right?

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We're fifteen minutes into the massage,
he's rubbing my feet.

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All of a sudden,
he starts to slow down.

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(Laughter)

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Next thing you know, he just stopped.

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(Laughter)

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Now, he's just holding my foot.

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(Laughter)

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At first, I thought he was doing
his seance thing again.

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(Laughter)

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I was like, "Oh, Okay!

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(Laughter)

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He is probably meditating
the pain out my foot."

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(Laughter)

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But then I could hear his breathing
get real deep and slow, like this.

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(Breathes heavily)

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And then he did this.

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(Laughter)

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(Laughter)

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and then continued the massage.

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(Laughter)

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He startled himself awake

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Listen, if you've never
gotten a massage before,

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you don't fully understand.

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It's a vulnerable situation,

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okay?

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Because you're lying there,

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naked,

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(Laughter)

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with a little tiny sheet on.

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There's a stranger touching you.

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Anytime you're naked
with a stranger, that's awkward.

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(Laughter)

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Unless you're the creepy guy at the gym.

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(Laughter)

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(Laughter)

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He's okay with it.

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It's a vulnerable situation,
getting a massage.

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How about this one?

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What do you do

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if your massage therapist
has a bad breath?

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Oh, it happens.

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Oh yeah,

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you're lying there trying to relax.

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His face is over your face.

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You can smell his bad breath.

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So you start breathing through your mouth.

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(Laughter)

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(Breaths heavily)

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(Laughter)

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(Breaths heavily)

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But then you don't want
his bad breath in your mouth.

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(Laughter)

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So now you got to calculate
your breathing with his breathing.

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(Laughter)

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Like, I know I requested
the aromatherapy massage,

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(Laughter)

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but I didn't know I had to get specific.

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(Laughter)

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And there's different kinds
of bad breath,

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there's different kinds.

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Like, you can tell when somebody
just got off their lunch break.

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You'd be like, "Ah, man!
He just had onions. That sucks."

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But at least it's identifiable.

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(Laughter)

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Like coffee breath.

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That's identifiable.

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I can respect coffee breath
because that's a working mans' breath.

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(Laughter)

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But then, there's the kind of breath 
where they are dying on the inside.

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(Laughter)

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Gum can not help this kind,

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(Laughter)

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because if they put gum in the mouth,

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the breath is just going
to come out the nose.

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(Laughter)

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It will find you.

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(Laughter)

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God forbid you have to speak up
and say something during a massage.

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It's so awkward.

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Like, maybe they are
massaging you way too hard.

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Then you have to speak up and be like,

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"Oh, sorry, um,
could you not leave bruises?"

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(Laughter)

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Or maybe they are massaging you,
like, way too soft,

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like they're doing tickle massage.

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(Laughter)

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And you're like, "Um, well, 
I could have my husband do this at home."

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(Laughter)

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Now you got to speak up and be like,

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"Oh, sorry, um, could you try?"

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(Laughter)

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Now it's the most awkward for me
because I have to be like,

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"Oh, sorry, could you not be asleep?"

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(Laughter)

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It was the weirdest massage I've ever had.

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I didn't even know what to do after that.

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I just grabbed my cucumber water,
got the heck out of there.

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But my back still hurt,

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so I went and I got a free massage
over at Brookstone.

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(Laughter)

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Don't act like you've never sat
in the massage chair at Brookstone.

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(Laughter)

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Everybody walks by that store

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acting like they've never heard
of a massage chair before.

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"Oh, wow!

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(Laughter)

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It massages?

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Oh.

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(Laughter)

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I can sit?

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Oh, sure, I'll try it out.

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Sure!

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Oh, comfy.

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Push the green button?

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Okay.

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Oh, yep, really good pressure.

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(Laughter)

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I like it a lot."

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But then all of a sudden,
the massage changes

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(Laughter)

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to the shiatsu shimmy.

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Ladies,

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you know the shiatsu shimmy.

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(Laughter)

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At first, you try to fight it.

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(Laughter)

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I hope nobody's watching.

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(Laughter)

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But then after a while,
you just embrace it,

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you're like, oh well!

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(Laughter)

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All the guys at Gamestop
across the way start watching.

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(Laughter)

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Yeah, light them up, boys!

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(Laughter)

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I'll just stick to my husband's massages.

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My husband and I have been married
for seven years, you guys.

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Seven years!

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Thank you!

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( Applause)

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Thank you!

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And in our house, in our relationship,

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our roles are kind of reversed,

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and we are okay with that.

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Like, whatever works for you
in your relationship,

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do that.

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Do what works.

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For us, our roles
are a little flippy floppy,

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you know?

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Like, I bring home the bacon.

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(Applause)

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I am just not allowed to cook it.

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(Laughter)

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My husband loves to go shopping;

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I love to sit outside the store
with the rest of the husbands.

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(Laughter)

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He is super sexy and fashionable;

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lots of people think I am a lesbian.

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(Laughter)

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Girls will flirt with my husband
right in front of me

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because they think
I am his gay little buddy.

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(Laughter)

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They're like, "Ah, where are you from?"

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"Ah, he's from my house."

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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My husband has a beautiful afro,

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so girls are always like,
"Oh, can I feel your hair?"

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"Oh, you could feel my fist.

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Hmm, hmm, hmm!"

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(Laughter)

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Wow, your little buddy's feisty.

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(Laughter)

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Sometimes when we go places, my husband
likes to pick out my outfit for me

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because he wants to make sure
I look like a girl when we get there.

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(Laughter)

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He'll be like, "Alright babe, let's see.

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Put on these jeans right here" -

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yep, my favorite -

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"this T-shirt" -

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I like where this is going -

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"and these stilettos" -

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aargh, so close.

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(Laughter)

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And I get it, my husband
wants to see me in heels

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because women look sexy in heels -

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just not this woman.

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(Laughter)

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And I will tell you why.

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Because I am bowlegged.

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See how my knees don't touch?

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Trying my hardest.

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(Laughter)

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Girl right here,
in the front, in the center,

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do you see how my feet are closed

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but you can still see the stool behind me?

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(Laughter)

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So that means when I wear heels,

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I look like this.

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(Laughter)

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Look like I rode my horse to the club.

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(Laughter)

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Aee, aee, aeeaeeaeeaee!

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(Laughter)

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You guys, if I am wearing heels

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and I want to do something daring,

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like walk,

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(Laughter)

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I have to bend my knees a little bit.

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(Laughter)

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Look like a camel.

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(Laughter)

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Look like a camel trying
to fold itself to get some rest.

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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(Spits)

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(Laughter)

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That's not sexy at all.

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We live in Hollywood,
and it's weird living in Hollywood

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because there is always,
like, rumors and gossip.

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And there was actually
a rumor going around

00:14:30.479 --> 00:14:33.550
that I was dating
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

00:14:33.550 --> 00:14:34.809
(Audience) Wooh!

00:14:34.809 --> 00:14:36.139
That's what I said.

00:14:36.139 --> 00:14:39.129
(Laughter)

00:14:39.575 --> 00:14:41.205
I was like, "Wooh, okay!"

00:14:41.205 --> 00:14:43.015
(Laughter)

00:14:43.228 --> 00:14:44.518
Hey, Mr. Rock.

00:14:44.518 --> 00:14:46.218
(Laughter)

00:14:46.668 --> 00:14:50.588
I mean, that was me.
I started that one. I did that.

00:14:50.588 --> 00:14:52.698
(Laughter)

00:14:56.138 --> 00:14:58.678
Didn't quite catch on
like I thought it would.

00:14:58.678 --> 00:15:00.038
(Laughter)

00:15:00.038 --> 00:15:02.501
I tweeted it out
and only three people replied.

00:15:03.131 --> 00:15:04.891
Two people were like, "No way!"

00:15:05.251 --> 00:15:07.471
One guy was like, "You wish!"

00:15:07.471 --> 00:15:08.531
(Laughter)

00:15:08.531 --> 00:15:09.851
It was my husband.

00:15:09.851 --> 00:15:11.811
(Laughter)

00:15:15.531 --> 00:15:17.806
I got kind of famous on Youtube

00:15:17.806 --> 00:15:20.436
for this joke about
going to get my nails done.

00:15:20.436 --> 00:15:23.514
(Applause)

00:15:25.908 --> 00:15:27.258
So you've heard it.

00:15:27.258 --> 00:15:29.628
(Laughter)

00:15:29.935 --> 00:15:32.565
This is the joke that put me on the map.

00:15:33.220 --> 00:15:36.320
People know of me because of this joke.

00:15:36.635 --> 00:15:40.045
People come to my shows
just for this joke.

00:15:41.197 --> 00:15:44.096
And it is a blessing; it really is.

00:15:44.530 --> 00:15:48.270
Because not every comedian
gets to say that they have that,

00:15:48.626 --> 00:15:52.220
that they have something 
that has resonated with so many people,

00:15:52.421 --> 00:15:55.261
and that these people
will then pay their hard earned money

00:15:55.261 --> 00:15:57.679
to come and see you perform live.

00:15:58.063 --> 00:16:01.030
So I just want to say
that I am so grateful

00:16:01.163 --> 00:16:04.113
that I get to make
people laugh for a living.

00:16:04.573 --> 00:16:08.295
Because laughter is medicine,
and I get to be a part of the medicine.

00:16:08.483 --> 00:16:10.053
I am so grateful for that.

00:16:10.063 --> 00:16:13.839
So as long as this joke continues
to bring people joy,

00:16:13.839 --> 00:16:15.629
then I will continue to do it.

00:16:15.629 --> 00:16:18.919
(Applause)

00:16:20.743 --> 00:16:22.678
So with that being said,

00:16:22.678 --> 00:16:25.387
I will do the joke for you.

00:16:25.387 --> 00:16:28.067
(Applause)

00:16:29.116 --> 00:16:31.176
Any ladies in here get your nails done?

00:16:31.176 --> 00:16:32.746
(Audience) Whoo!

00:16:33.866 --> 00:16:37.337
I go with my sister to this place
that's called Beautiful Nail.

00:16:39.671 --> 00:16:40.836
Just one.

00:16:41.126 --> 00:16:42.496
(Laughter)

00:16:42.496 --> 00:16:44.428
Nail is beautiful.

00:16:45.081 --> 00:16:45.926
It's okay though

00:16:45.926 --> 00:16:47.531
because these ladies are so nice.

00:16:47.531 --> 00:16:50.008
They make you feel
like it's all about you,

00:16:50.008 --> 00:16:51.669
and customer service, you know,

00:16:51.669 --> 00:16:53.835
"Whatever you like we do for you."

00:16:53.835 --> 00:16:55.744
(Laughter)

00:16:55.877 --> 00:16:59.089
"We do full set, only 16 dollar."

00:16:59.101 --> 00:17:01.051
(Laughter)

00:17:01.051 --> 00:17:03.801
As soon as I walk in,
they greet me right away,

00:17:03.801 --> 00:17:05.901
"Hi, honey, what you need today?

00:17:05.901 --> 00:17:07.037
(Laughter)

00:17:07.173 --> 00:17:09.443
You want to whack your eyebrow?"

00:17:10.789 --> 00:17:12.509
Ah, no! No, thank you!

00:17:13.006 --> 00:17:14.326
"Honey, you need to whack."

00:17:14.326 --> 00:17:16.824
(Laughter)

00:17:17.892 --> 00:17:21.412
"Can I get a manicure, please?"
"OK, honey, you like to pedicure too?"

00:17:21.727 --> 00:17:24.197
"Ah no, just the manicure, thanks!"

00:17:24.197 --> 00:17:27.710
"Honey, why you don't like?

00:17:27.710 --> 00:17:29.520
(Laughter)

00:17:29.529 --> 00:17:31.476
Pedicure make look nice,

00:17:31.883 --> 00:17:33.526
is so sexy.

00:17:34.111 --> 00:17:35.983
It's better for you."

00:17:37.298 --> 00:17:38.924
"Oh, okay, sure.

00:17:38.924 --> 00:17:41.038
I'll get a pedicure too then. Thank you!"

00:17:41.038 --> 00:17:43.918
"Okay, honey, sit down, number six.
Mỹ Linh, she do for you.

00:17:43.918 --> 00:17:46.485
Good job, only 20 dollars more.
That's okay, sit down."

00:17:46.485 --> 00:17:47.744
(Laughter)

00:17:47.760 --> 00:17:49.921
So, Mỹ Linh starts 
doing my nails right away,

00:17:49.921 --> 00:17:51.659
but her American name is Tammy.

00:17:55.190 --> 00:17:57.097
"You have boyfriend?"

00:17:57.414 --> 00:17:58.980
"No, no, I don't have a boy-"

00:17:58.980 --> 00:18:01.310
"Honey, why don't you have?

00:18:01.986 --> 00:18:03.141
I think, you know,

00:18:03.141 --> 00:18:05.018
the first time you walked in here,

00:18:05.018 --> 00:18:07.201
you looked like model,

00:18:07.384 --> 00:18:09.601
cheerleader,

00:18:09.906 --> 00:18:11.919
something pretty.

00:18:12.178 --> 00:18:13.948
You like long or short nail?"

00:18:13.948 --> 00:18:15.608
"Ah, short nails, please. Thanks!"

00:18:15.608 --> 00:18:17.898
"Oh, honey, that's why
you don't have boyfriend.

00:18:17.898 --> 00:18:20.258
(Laughter)

00:18:20.258 --> 00:18:21.672
It's okay, I do for you.

00:18:21.672 --> 00:18:22.931
It's better for you.

00:18:22.931 --> 00:18:25.133
Only four dollar more. That's okay.

00:18:25.133 --> 00:18:27.623
(Laughter)

00:18:27.966 --> 00:18:30.186
Do you like with no gel?"

00:18:32.140 --> 00:18:32.991
"What?"

00:18:32.991 --> 00:18:35.380
(Laughter)

00:18:36.005 --> 00:18:38.825
"Do you like with no gel?"

00:18:40.844 --> 00:18:43.564
(Laughter)

00:18:47.903 --> 00:18:51.543
(Laughter)

00:18:54.712 --> 00:18:56.440
"I am sorry.

00:18:57.332 --> 00:18:58.317
What?"

00:18:58.317 --> 00:18:59.317
(Laughter)

00:18:59.317 --> 00:19:02.658
"Honey, I say, 'Do you like
with no gel for your nail?'

00:19:02.658 --> 00:19:04.904
It's the best thing
you can have for your nail.

00:19:04.904 --> 00:19:07.005
You sparkle like diamond in the sky.

00:19:07.005 --> 00:19:08.925
Do you like with no gel?"

00:19:08.925 --> 00:19:10.426
(Laughter)

00:19:12.788 --> 00:19:13.968
"Oh that!

00:19:13.968 --> 00:19:16.302
(Laughter)

00:19:16.302 --> 00:19:17.296
Sure!

00:19:17.861 --> 00:19:21.246
I'll have the, ah, 'crico?'

00:19:21.246 --> 00:19:22.406
(Laughter)

00:19:22.406 --> 00:19:23.644
The crunchy stuff.

00:19:23.644 --> 00:19:24.514
(Laughter)

00:19:24.514 --> 00:19:25.514
Thanks!"

00:19:25.514 --> 00:19:28.074
"It's okay, honey, don't worry.
It's better for you.

00:19:28.439 --> 00:19:30.859
Only six dollar more. That's okay.

00:19:30.859 --> 00:19:32.185
(Laughter)

00:19:32.185 --> 00:19:35.225
It's better honey, better for me."

00:19:35.225 --> 00:19:37.325
(Laughter)

00:19:37.325 --> 00:19:39.494
"Okay honey, I'll finish.
Go wash your hands."

00:19:39.494 --> 00:19:40.984
"Alright, thanks, Tammy.

00:19:40.984 --> 00:19:43.532
Oh, ah, wait a minute.

00:19:44.212 --> 00:19:46.032
Hold on, this one's a little crooked.

00:19:46.743 --> 00:19:47.973
See that?"

00:19:53.227 --> 00:19:54.622
"No honey, that your finger.

00:19:54.622 --> 00:19:55.932
Do like that."

00:19:55.932 --> 00:19:57.926
(Laughter)

00:19:59.249 --> 00:20:00.509
"Really?!

00:20:01.181 --> 00:20:03.464
It's funny because my finger
didn't do like that

00:20:03.464 --> 00:20:05.368
before I came in here."

00:20:05.958 --> 00:20:09.408
"It's okay honey, don't worry.
I'll fix it for you, don't worry."

00:20:09.664 --> 00:20:12.100
(Imitates talking in Vietnamese)

00:20:12.100 --> 00:20:13.924
(Laughter)

00:20:21.959 --> 00:20:25.089
(Laughter)

00:20:30.208 --> 00:20:31.981
(Stops talking Vietnamese)

00:20:31.981 --> 00:20:33.891
"Oh, see? You look so pretty!"

00:20:34.271 --> 00:20:36.323
God bless, you guys. I'm Anjelah Johnson.

00:20:36.323 --> 00:20:37.408
Thank you so much!

00:20:37.408 --> 00:20:39.518
(Applause)

00:20:39.518 --> 00:20:41.878
Thank you for having me. I appreciate it.

00:20:41.878 --> 00:20:43.222
(Applause)