Hello!
(Applause)
Reno, Nevada,
the biggest little city,
look at us!
Oh, I am so excited to be here, you guys.
Listen, when they first asked me to do this,
they were like, "Hey, would you like to do a TEDx Talk?"
And I was like, "Me?!
Yes, I would love to talk about something important
and think about an idea worth sharing."
And they're like, "No, no, no. Just say your jokes."
(Laughter)
Oh, cool, cool cool! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
I'll do that. I'll do that.
Let me just share some jokes with you today.
I've been doing stand-up comedy for almost 12 years now.
And when I first started, I was young and fresh.
Now I'm getting older.
I mean, I know, I still look young.
Thank you so much!
(Laughter)
But I'm getting older, you guys.
And this is how you know you're getting older:
when you hurt your back
but you don't know how.
(Laughter)
Like, I don't even have a cool story to tell you guys.
(Laughter)
Like, I can't be like, "Oh yeah, last week I was skiing, and ...
(Laughter)
you know how I do this.
I went hard."
(Laughter)
No, I was putting my socks on.
(Laughter)
Yeah, I went hard.
(Laughter)
Getting older -
Have you ever been walking down the street minding your own business,
and all of a sudden, your knee is like, "Hey!"
(Laughter)
And you're like, "What happened?"
(Laughter)
We know how to do this!"
(Laughter)
I hurt my back, so I went to get a massage.
And this next part of my story you're probably not even going to believe.
You're going to be like, "Oh, she just made that up for a joke."
Promise you, no, I didn't.
(Laughter)
Went to get a massage,
and the guy who was giving me my massage fell asleep.
(Laughter)
I know.
I know you're probably thinking to yourselves right now,
"How is that even possible?"
(Laughter)
I didn't know it was an option either.
(Laughter)
Apparently, I'm really good at reverse relaxation.
But I should have known,
I should have known it was going to be weird
because it started off weird.
He started by asking me these seance type questions.
He was like, "Okay, close your eyes, take a deep breath.
Now tell me, Where are you?"
(Laughter)
(Breathes in)
"Massage Envy."
(Laughter)
"Now tell me, What are you?"
"A girl?
(Laughter)
Um, I don't like this part of the massage."
So he starts by rubbing my feet, right?
We're fifteen minutes into the massage, he's rubbing my feet.
All of a sudden, he starts to slow down.
(Laughter)
Next thing you know, he just stopped.
(Laughter)
Now, he's just holding my foot.
(Laughter)
At first, I thought he was doing his seance thing again.
(Laughter)
I was like, "Oh, Okay!
(Laughter)
He is probably meditating the pain out my foot."
(Laughter)
But then I could hear his breathing get real deep and slow, like this.
(Breathes heavily)
And then he did this.
(Laughter)
and then continued the massage.
(Laughter)
He startled himself awake
Listen, if you've never gotten a massage before,
you don't fully understand.
It's a vulnerable situation,
okay?
Because you're lying there,
naked,
(Laughter)
with a little tiny sheet on.
There's a stranger touching you.
Anytime you're naked with a stranger, that's awkward.
(Laughter)
Unless you're the creepy guy at the gym.
(Laughter)
He's okay with it.
It's a vulnerable situation, getting a massage.
How about this one?
What do you do
if your massage therapist has a bad breath?
Oh, it happens.
Oh yeah,
you're lying there trying to relax.
His face is over your face.
You can smell his bad breath.
So you start breathing through your mouth.
(Laughter)
(Breaths heavily)
(Laughter)
(Breaths heavily)
But then you don't want his bad breath in your mouth.
(Laughter)
So now you got to calculate your breathing with his breathing.
(Laughter)
Like, I know I requested the aromatherapy massage,
(Laughter)
but I didn't know I had to get specific.
(Laughter)
And there's different kinds of bad breath,
there's different kinds.
Like, you can tell when somebody just got off their lunch break.
You'd be like, "Ah, man! He just had onions. That sucks."
But at least it's identifiable.
(Laughter)
Like coffee breath.
That's identifiable.
I can respect coffee breath because that's a working mans' breath.
(Laughter)
But then, there's the kind of breath where they are dying on the inside.
(Laughter)
Gum can not help this kind,
(Laughter)
because if they put gum in the mouth,
the breath is just going to come out the nose.
(Laughter)
It will find you.
(Laughter)
God forbid you have to speak up and say something during a massage.
It's so awkward.
Like, maybe they are massaging you way too hard.
Then you have to speak up and be like,
"Oh, sorry, um, could you not leave bruises?"
(Laughter)
Or maybe they are massaging you, like, way too soft,
like they're doing tickle massage.
(Laughter)
And you're like, "Um, well, I could have my husband do this at home."
(Laughter)
Now you got to speak up and be like,
"Oh, sorry, um, could you try?"
(Laughter)
Now it's the most awkward for me because I have to be like,
"Oh, sorry, could you not be asleep?"
(Laughter)
It was the weirdest massage I've ever had.
I didn't even know what to do after that.
I just grabbed my cucumber water, got the heck out of there.
But my back still hurt,
so I went and I got a free massage over at Brookstone.
(Laughter)
Don't act like you've never sat in the massage chair at Brookstone.
(Laughter)
Everybody walks by that store
acting like they've never heard of a massage chair before.
"Oh, wow!
(Laughter)
It massages?
Oh.
(Laughter)
I can sit?
Oh, sure, I'll try it out.
Sure!
Oh, comfy.
Push the green button?
Okay.
Oh, yep, really good pressure.
(Laughter)
I like it a lot."
But then all of a sudden, the massage changes
(Laughter)
to the shiatsu shimmy.
Ladies,
you know the shiatsu shimmy.
(Laughter)
At first, you try to fight it.
(Laughter)
I hope nobody's watching.
(Laughter)
But then after a while, you just embrace it,
you're like, oh well!
(Laughter)
All the guys at Gamestop across the way start watching.
(Laughter)
Yeah, light them up, boys!
(Laughter)
I'll just stick to my husband's massages.
My husband and I have been married for seven years, you guys.
Seven years!
Thank you!
( Applause)
Thank you!
And in our house, in our relationship,
our roles are kind of reversed,
and we are okay with that.
Like, whatever works for you in your relationship,
do that.
Do what works.
For us, our roles are a little flippy floppy,
you know?
Like, I bring home the bacon.
(Applause)
I am just not allowed to cook it.
(Laughter)
My husband loves to go shopping;
I love to sit outside the store with the rest of the husbands.
(Laughter)
He is super sexy and fashionable;
lots of people think I am a lesbian.
(Laughter)
Girls will flirt with my husband right in front of me
because they think I am his gay little buddy.
(Laughter)
They're like, "Ah, where are you from?"
"Ah, he's from my house."
(Laughter)
(Applause)
My husband has a beautiful afro,
so girls are always like, "Oh, can I feel your hair?"
"Oh, you could feel my fist.
Hmm, hmm, hmm!"
(Laughter)
Wow, your little buddy's feisty.
(Laughter)
Sometimes when we go places, my husband likes to pick out my outfit for me
because he wants to make sure I look like a girl when we get there.
(Laughter)
He'll be like, "Alright babe, let's see.
Put on these jeans right here" -
yep, my favorite -
"this T-shirt" -
I like where this is going -
"and these stilettos" -
aargh, so close.
(Laughter)
And I get it, my husband wants to see me in heels
because women look sexy in heels -
just not this woman.
(Laughter)
And I will tell you why.
Because I am bowlegged.
See how my knees don't touch?
Trying my hardest.
(Laughter)
Girl right here, in the front, in the center,
do you see how my feet are closed
but you can still see the stool behind me?
(Laughter)
So that means when I wear heels,
I look like this.
(Laughter)
Look like I rode my horse to the club.
(Laughter)
Aee, aee, aeeaeeaeeaee!
(Laughter)
You guys, if I am wearing heels
and I want to do something daring,
like walk,
(Laughter)
I have to bend my knees a little bit.
(Laughter)
Look like a camel.
(Laughter)
Look like a camel trying to fold itself to get some rest.
(Laughter)
(Applause)
(Spits)
(Laughter)
That's not sexy at all.
We live in Hollywood, and it's weird living in Hollywood
because there is always, like, rumors and gossip.
And there was actually a rumor going around
that I was dating Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
(Audience) Wooh!
That's what I said.
(Laughter)
I was like, "Wooh, okay!"
(Laughter)
Hey, Mr. Rock.
(Laughter)
I mean, that was me. I started that one. I did that.
(Laughter)
Didn't quite catch on like I thought it would.
(Laughter)
I tweeted it out and only three people replied.
Two people were like, "No way!"
One guy was like, "You wish!"
(Laughter)
It was my husband.
(Laughter)
I got kind of famous on Youtube
for this joke about going to get my nails done.
(Applause)
So you've heard it.
(Laughter)
This is the joke that put me on the map.
People know of me because of this joke.
People come to my shows just for this joke.
And it is a blessing; it really is.
Because not every comedian gets to say that they have that,
that they have something that has resonated with so many people,
and that these people will then pay their hard earned money
to come and see you perform live.
So I just want to say that I am so grateful
that I get to make people laugh for a living.
Because laughter is medicine, and I get to be a part of the medicine.
I am so grateful for that.
So as long as this joke continues to bring people joy,
then I will continue to do it.
(Applause)
So with that being said,
I will do the joke for you.
(Applause)
Any ladies in here get your nails done?
(Audience) Whoo!
I go with my sister to this place that's called Beautiful Nail.
Just one.
(Laughter)
Nail is beautiful.
It's okay though
because these ladies are so nice.
They make you feel like it's all about you,
and customer service, you know,
"Whatever you like we do for you."
(Laughter)
"We do full set, only 16 dollar."
(Laughter)
As soon as I walk in, they greet me right away,
"Hi, honey, what you need today?
(Laughter)
You want to whack your eyebrow?"
Ah, no! No, thank you!
"Honey, you need to whack."
(Laughter)
"Can I get a manicure, please?" "OK, honey, you like to pedicure too?"
"Ah no, just the manicure, thanks!"
"Honey, why you don't like?
(Laughter)
Pedicure make look nice,
is so sexy.
It's better for you."
"Oh, okay, sure.
I'll get a pedicure too then. Thank you!"
"Okay, honey, sit down, number six. Mỹ Linh, she do for you.
Good job, only 20 dollars more. That's okay, sit down."
(Laughter)
So, Mỹ Linh starts doing my nails right away,
but her American name is Tammy.
"You have boyfriend?"
"No, no, I don't have a boy-"
"Honey, why don't you have?
I think, you know,
the first time you walked in here,
you looked like model,
cheerleader,
something pretty.
You like long or short nail?"
"Ah, short nails, please. Thanks!"
"Oh, honey, that's why you don't have boyfriend.
(Laughter)
It's okay, I do for you.
It's better for you.
Only four dollar more. That's okay.
(Laughter)
Do you like with no gel?"
"What?"
(Laughter)
"Do you like with no gel?"
(Laughter)
"I am sorry.
What?"
(Laughter)
"Honey, I say, 'Do you like with no gel for your nail?'
It's the best thing you can have for your nail.
You sparkle like diamond in the sky.
Do you like with no gel?"
(Laughter)
"Oh that!
(Laughter)
Sure!
I'll have the, ah, 'crico?'
(Laughter)
The crunchy stuff.
(Laughter)
Thanks!"
"It's okay, honey, don't worry. It's better for you.
Only six dollar more. That's okay.
(Laughter)
It's better honey, better for me."
(Laughter)
"Okay honey, I'll finish. Go wash your hands."
"Alright, thanks, Tammy.
Oh, ah, wait a minute.
Hold on, this one's a little crooked.
See that?"
"No honey, that your finger.
Do like that."
(Laughter)
"Really?!
It's funny because my finger didn't do like that
before I came in here."
"It's okay honey, don't worry. I'll fix it for you, don't worry."
(Imitates talking in Vietnamese)
(Laughter)
(Stops talking Vietnamese)
"Oh, see? You look so pretty!"
God bless, you guys. I'm Anjelah Johnson.
Thank you so much!
(Applause)
Thank you for having me. I appreciate it.
(Applause)