Sharing About My Experience of Domestic Violence

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#domestic_violence #ex-husband #hatred

Ven. Pomnyun's Answer to “Sharing About My Experience of Domestic Violence”
Selection from Casual Conversation with Ven. Pomnyun Sunim(법륜스님) (Sep. 20, 2024)

Question:
I moved to the U.S. with my children after experiencing domestic violence. My children are still in contact with my ex-husband, who lives in Korea. How much should I share with them?

<Sharing About My Experience
of Domestic Violence>

(Questioner) Good evening, Sunim.

By chance, I came across
your Dharma Q&A on YouTube,

and it brought a sense of relief
to my heart.

I realized that the worries
I had been carrying

were not as significant as I once thought.

Now, as a mother of three,
I feel a bit more at peace.

About 10 years ago,
I fled to the United States

to escape domestic violence
from my ex-husband.

I chose to marry him because
I had no surviving parents or siblings,

and I longed to create a big family
of my own through marriage.

However, due to the domestic violence,
I ultimately had to end the relationship.

And now, I live in the United States.

Although I don't wish to maintain
contact with my children's father,

given that I have no family of my own,

I actively encourage my children to stay
connected with their father's family

as they are the only blood relatives
my children have.

Recently, I explained to my eldest child

why we had to leave for the United States
without their father.

After hearing this, my child has been
deeply disappointed in him

and struggled to understand how he could
act as if nothing had happened,

when we visited Korea two years ago,
without offering any apology.

It seems my child is upset
by this realization.

I'm wondering,
for the sake of my children,

whether I should continue to shield them
from the full truth

or being open and honest with my children
is the right decision.

I would appreciate your guidance.

(Sunim) Every child wants
their parents to be good people.

If you think your father is a bad person,
it affects your self-esteem.

If a stranger criticizes your dad,
you still have an excuse.

You can say,
"You don't really know my dad."

But if your mother criticizes your father,
then you can't escape it

because your mother would not lie to you.

In that sense, it becomes clear
that your dad is not a good person.

On the other hand, imagine if the child
thinks that their mother is lying,

then the mother who's lying to her child
becomes a bad person.

It can cause a psychological issue
and confusion for the child

if the mother and father
criticize each other.

Whether it is the husband or wife,
no one is a bad person here.

You each had your own issues.

There is no problem for you splitting up

because you chose him as your husband,
then you gave up on him as your husband.

I think it is better for you to explain
that you divorced him

not because he was a bad person

but because you could not deal
with the situation.

(Questioner) But he is a bad person.
(Audiance/Sumim Laughter)

(Sunim) If you do that,
it's not good for your children.

Then your child can't escape the idea
that their dad is a bad person.

They can accept that you separated
because you were incompatible.

That's different from being a bad person.

The first questioner as well,
you can get divorced,

but still you should maintain respect
as co-parents of the same children.

The problem is between adults.
It's not the children's problem.

So, that responsibility
should stay with the adults.

It should not be handed down
to your children.

Perhaps you feel a sense of ownership
because they are your children.

Maybe, you subconsciously have
the perspective

that if you think their father is bad,

your children should also think
their father is bad.

That means you are not recognizing
your children as independent agents.

But your children are
independent agencies.

As a parent,
you should help them grow up right.

The children do not exist for the parents.

The parents exist for the children.

If the children are better off with you,
no matter what challenges you face,

you should keep the children with you.

If the children are better off
with the father or somebody else,

no matter how much painful you are
and how much you may miss your children,

you should let them go.

In other words, your children are not
your pet or possessions.

They are independent agencies,
and you're there for your role as a parent

to help them grow
into independent adults.

So, when you discuss custody and
other issues related to divorce,

you are not putting the children
in the centre.

You are negotiating the rights of parents
each other.

I don't think that helps the children.

(Questioner) Actually, my question was,
"Should I be open with my kids

what happened in the past in Korea?"

When I shared with my son,
he struggled to understand the truth.

So, my question was, "Should I be open
and honest with my children?"

Or, just like you said, "Should I be
a good parent and cover things up?"

(Sunim) You insist that
what you said about the past is true

and that your decision to leave him
was the truth of the situation.

But even that is merely your perspective.

If you tell the story from the perspective
that he is a bad person,

you are already making a value judgment

and relaying that story
from a self-centred perspective.

That can actually be worse
than saying nothing at all.

But if you can remove that emotion
or value judgment from that story,

then I think you can be transparent
with your children about why you left.

I think your son was in shock
and had a hard time dealing with this

because the message he took away from it
was that his father is a bad person.

If you believe your ex-husband
is no better than an animal,

then your son ends up being
the son of a beast.

(Questioner) I'm sorry,
I don't understand, and I don't agree.

(Sunim) Basically, if you say
your ex-husband is a bad person,

your children become
the children of a bad person.

(Questioner) They are different.
My son is not my ex-husband.

I mean, Sunim said that if I describe
my ex-husband as a bad person,

that means my son is the blood
of a bad person, right?

But I don't agree
because my children will blame me

for leaving their father behind in Korea
and bringing them without him.

(Sunim) If you have no choice
but to tell your children

that their father was a bad person,
I think it's better not to say that.

Instead, say, "You are my children.

I don't know who the dad is.

I'll tell you about your dad
when you grow up."

It is your choice.

(Questioner) My son got hurt because,
when we visited Korea two years ago,

my ex-husband acted
like nothing had happened.

He didn't even apologize,
and that's why my son got really hurt.

I'm a survivor of domestic violence.

If I had stayed in Korea,
I would have been killed by him.

(Sunim) If your husband hit you,
that is a crime. He is a violent criminal.

He should be reported
and be forced to face justice.

But even if he is in prison,
you should go see him

because he is still your husband.

(Questioner) I already did report it
15 years ago in Korea.

But the police said it was a family stuff,
and they didn't help me.

That's why I had to escape from there.

(Sunim) Whether it is your husband,
your parents, or even your own children,

if they lash out in violence,
that is a crime, and they are criminals.

They may be criminals, but they're still
your husband, parents, or your children.

Because they are our family, we sometimes
want to cover up their crimes.

And by doing so, we make them worse
and undermine social justice.

Whoever breaks the law must face justice.

But whatever crimes they committed,
they are still your husband,

your parents or your children.

My friend might have committed a crime,
so he is a criminal now,

but he is still my friend.

That is the way for them,
after paying for their crimes,

to come back, rehabilitate themselves,
and be with their families again.

According to your perspective,
a person who has committed a crime once

should be shut out
from the society forever.

If your ex-husband hit you, raped you,
or committed other violence upon you,

then he should be facing the justice.

But the fact that he committed a crime
doesn't mean you have to hate him.

That is why you can't solve this problem.

Hatred only brings more suffering
to yourself.

That is why, even now,
you are still not free from that person.

You can truly liberate yourself
from that person once you stop hating.

You might think
that your hatred is justified

and that it is a wise reaction to have
to what you suffered,

but it is an action that actually brings
about your own suffering.

(Questioner) Thank you.

(Sunim) Then you have no choice
but to continue to suffer.

Please, do you want to share
your experience?

(Audiance1) I think that
she needs to think about the kids.

because I had the same situation
when I got divorced.

My children were 2 and 8 years old
at that time.

I constantly talked with my friends
about how bad my ex-husband was.

But I didn't realize that my kids were
listening and suffered too much.

But they didn't look like
they were suffering.

They were excellent kids.
They went to college and have degrees.

But when my older son started his family,
everything went down.

And now, my both kids are
with psychiatrists

because they were with drugs and alcohol
at the adult age.

It was because they were suffered
by the words they heard from me.

And I hope she'll realize
that this is important.

She need to stop saying something bad
about their father

because the kids lose their self-esteem
and destroy their lives.

(Sunim) I think you need more time to be
more self-reflective about your actions.

If you discover later on

that you passed your own suffering down
to your children and amplified it,

you will be deeply regret it
at that time.

Just because you suffer
doesn't mean your children have to.

No matter what kind of suffering
you face,

you should handle it at your level

and prevent it from being passed down
to your children.

But because we are all foolish,
we tend to inherit our parents' suffering

and then pass that down
to our own children.