Top Gear - Dark Souls 1/2/3 Special

♫ Top Gear Intro ♫

Tonight: Richard wears a blue hat,

James wears a different hat,

and I wear a hat with things on it.

♫ Top Gear Intro ♫

It all started here.

It's the first, and frankly,
still the best in the series.

Yeah, I mean there's a
rough edge here and there,

but for a first attempt I
think it's pretty crisp.

What?

Hello.

Mate.

Honestly, it's not even a question.

It's peak.

It's Peak Souls 2.

Whatever.

It was time for our first challenge.

Each of you will beat your
game from start to finish.

You are allowed to use any weapon,
armor, ring, and consumables.

Kill any boss in any order,
level up, and upgrade freely.

Hang on.

It's not really a challenge.

It's easy.

There's more.

You are not allowed to pick up any items.

Er, which one?

Well, I reckon it's all of them.

So that's like starting gear.

And shop items, I guess?

Minus one point for each item you
pick up, and bonus points for style.

Yes.

Right.

Flamboyant and fast.

Yes.

How well can it be?

Don't say that!

Well, we've got to ask, okay?

You noticed that?

Yeah, this is...

It's genius.

The Cleric starts with some
miracles, and especially a chime,

which is surprisingly hard to
get if you can't pick things up.

And as the only game with
an Ashen Estus flask,

topping off my health
was going to be no issue.

Oh, no!

Not the best start, but
healing is like a skill issue.

Oh, for God's sake.

Still, we had a solid early weapon and
a shield to score some style points.

I mean, it's got to be worth,
like, one pickup, right?

After actually losing all my style points,

I headed to Firelink Shrine to
enact my second master plan.

There's a lot of stuff you can pick
up even before entering the High Wall.

Oh, right.

Pick up, huh?

No Ashen Estus meant that I
was stuck with three flasks.

Things weren't looking great.

That's just cruel.

Let's say you want an item.

You could pick it up, which we can't.

You could buy one.

But did you know there is another?

Bosses and unique enemies can deposit
items directly into your inventory.

Quest is going to be an
important part as well,

since we can't just
kill NPCs to get items.

And use this banner to proceed.

Vordt.

Not really a challenge right now.

+0 is as good a start as any.

But it all goes downhill from here
if we can't reinforce our gear.

Speaking of upgrades, Titanite Shards
aren't dropped by Crystal Lizards,

so we need to buy those.

For this, we take a quick trip up
to the Old Wolf of Farron Bonfire.

Not only was I unable to pick anything up,

I was locked out from buying
most shop items as well.

Well, it's just my luck
that I picked the only game

where buying things require
you to pick something up.

Still, could be worse.

Maniac.

Maniac.

Yobbo.

Maniac...

Hold on, hold on, I think
there's a chance here.

A famous man once said,

«A man's worth is shown not
by the wealth he possesses,

but by the respect he earns».

If you think about it, as long as you
don't take any hits and can deal damage,

you can kind of beat the entire game.

I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

After making my way to the Firekeeper,
I received my one and only Estus,

as there was no way to
upgrade it any further.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Now, the next step
requires around 200 souls,

which can be obtained like this.

With 4 hollows dead, we can
now afford a single firebomb.

The plan is to hit the
barrels on the other side.

Well, it could be worse.

After blowing a hole in the wall,

our next step is to jump on top of
the railings and over the ladder.

This will cause the pursuer to come down.

Next, we run straight towards the bonfire.

Being careful not to let our
stamina run out completely

and sit on the bonfire.

(Pursuer Cheese)

Now we have enough souls to afford
a weapon, but do we really need one?

The Ring of Blades also
increases our bare hand damage,

and that's all we need.

Now, I believe in speed, power.

Power and speed solves many things.

Speed and power doesn't work.

Still, could be worse.

It is absolutely necessary
to have a plan on everything,

so I've taken the liberty of
researching every route and items

sold by every single merchant.

Naturally, our first move was to head to
Firelink Shrine and review our options.

Oh, cock.

A-ha-ha-ha!

Shut up.

Because we were working as a team,
we decided to leave him behind.

We can't buy titanite shards, and
crystal lizards don't drop them.

But they do drop something else.

This wasn't really useful, unless
you had an NPC called Greyrat

that can sell both twinkling titanites
and twinkling titanite weapons.

With my tail between my legs, I
decided to give in to the temptation.

I'm sure you've seen this
like a millionth time,

but it's an important trick to know.

Basically, what you do here is wait
six steps, and then roll to the right.

And it's easy as...

Oh, for Christ's sake.

After defeating the
Dragonrider on our first try,

it was time to gather up all the souls,

spend a total of 10,000 quid,

and receive the Snake ring.

Now, we have a limited
amount of titanite shards,

so we need to buy the
best weapon in the world

and stick with it.

After considering every possible
detail, ranging from moveset to damage,

the choice was obvious.

This...

Is that a hoe?

It's an elegant weapon, fast,
and deals strike damage.

Everything you could ever want.

A marvel of engineering, and
probably the first tool ever used.

And there's the finish line!

POWER!

Sometimes I stagger even
myself with my genius.

After a short victory lap,

I made my way up to the Lost Bastille.

I have enough souls to
buy six large shards.

That's a +6 club.

Flame, dear flame...

Still, could be worse.

Yes, he's dead, so that's
ten points away there.

And if you want a job on Top Gear, please
write to Top Gear, please write to...

No, no, wait, look, he's coming round!

He is!

He's alive!

You may be wondering, how did
James manage to escape his cell

without picking that key up?

Well, that's a story for another time.

Right now, our focus
is escaping the asylum,

and our starting weapon wasn't
going to make that easy.

Well, when I say starting weapon,
I mean this piece of crap.

Our actual starting weapon should
have been the bandit's knife.

No matter.

Since the thief starts with the Master
Key, we have more options on starting gift.

In this case, black firebombs.

Oh, cock!

Now, the undead merchant is right
around the corner from Firelink Shrine,

and we just got 2000 souls for him.

Our weapon of choice
was the reinforced club.

Unlike that blithering oaf, there's
actually a good reason for picking this.

It has one of the highest
base damage for its size,

and only requires 12 Strength.

It's a staple for level one runs.

Which came in quite handy, as I
bludgeoned the Taurus Demon to death.

And with a nice amount in the
bank, we can now head to Andre.

Hammond?

Yeah?

Oh, for God's sake!

You need smithing?

Speak to me.

Funny!

Yes!

You're a funny man!

With Andre, we can
upgrade our club up to +5,

and more with the right ember.

Cock.

Large titanite shards can
drop from crystal lizards,

or can be purchased as soon
as we enter Sen's Fortress.

Oh, cock.

It's all about geometry, really.

It's called the Lower
Undead Burg for a reason.

Once we get down, we can open
up the shortcut for later.

To reach the Depths and get the ember,

I was first going to have
to go past the Capra demon.

The trick to this fight is going up the
stairs and taking out the dog one by one.

Ow!

Okay, so we can't get any titanite shards,

there aren't enough crystal
lizards to upgrade a boss weapon,

and we can't buy a weapon that
upgrades with twinkling titanites.

But fortunately, crystal lizards are not
the only enemy that give items directly.

It's one of the few weapons
that's given directly,

and it's upgraded with twinkling titanite.

It's got a 14 DEX requirement,

but we can fix that with a quick
visit to the Firekeeper and Yoel.

Now that we have a solid weapon,

it was time to save as many NPCs as
possible and expand our available options.

Do you see that?

That humongous beast?

How now?

Think twice before you go down that road.

Now, for some miracles.

We are a cleric, after all.

0% equip load will allow
us to just barely survive.

What?

I did mention that we don't have enough
titanite scales to upgrade a boss weapon,

but weapons are not the only
thing we can get with boss souls.

With the Transposing Kiln, we can swap
out Vordt Soul to the Pontiff's Left Eye,

which will provide some
much-needed health regeneration.

Stack that with Gentle
Prayer from the Chime,

and we now have a solid way of
healing, even without estus.

Now, we can't buy large titanite shards,

so our only option is to
hunt some crystal lizards.

We head to No Man's Wharf with a torch.

Right.

Not a big deal for now, but the
Gutter is going to be painful.

After clearing out the room,
I broke down the hollow wall

that housed the crystal lizard.

It's annoying to catch, but it's one of
the only ways to get upgrade materials.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Right, and with that,
back to the drawing board.

Back on top, I decided to take
a slightly different route.

We do have the shortcut from
Firelink, but this isn't about that.

Going up the ladder, but
stopping as soon as on top,

allows us to walk on the precipice.

I genuinely don't like heights.

It's my biggest failing.

Among many.

After using the momentum of a strong
attack, I used my bloodstain as a guide.

Watch this.

You cannot even begin to comprehend
the values of my forthcoming genius.

And the Capra Demon seemed to agree,

as he was kind enough to stand still.

Oh, cock.

Help!

Don't worry, I'm alri..

Using the key, I descended down,

and was greeted with a
warm welcome to the Depths.

And for my final prize, the Large Ember.

Oh, cock.

That is genius.

Whoever thought of that addition...

It was me.

It's not a bad idea.

There are 2 after the Sage, which
would already put our weapon to +2,

and 2 more at the Cathedral, but
I need 2 more for more than +2.

That's where the DLC comes in.

This was an area way out of my league,

as even the lizards had
more health than me.

They also have a tendency to
run to unexpected locations.

Okay.

That's not gone well.

Sorry.

Sorry, that's gone badly wrong.

The trick was to quit out from
behind, and lead them to a dead end.

Ha!

Right in the nuts!

Look at that!

Now that's enough for +3.

But for more, we need to kill this guy.

Hm, my lady...

After going up, we unlock the
shortcut to the Cathedral.

Welcome to the Painted world of Ariandel.

And in the underground, we find 2
more lizards behind an illusory wall.

The last one is down the bridge.

It would be really cool, and I am tempted,

but I also need my other
hand free for gentle prayer.

Back to the main game, I went
on some errands for the Onion.

With a +3 weapon, the Deacons
were nothing more than a pushover.

Unlike Hammond, I was having
no fun with crystal lizards.

Can't buy because McDuff won't talk to me.

Can't kill lizards because of the rules.

But then I realized, I have forgotten
something even more important.

I have a policy here.

Speed and power!

From here on out, I was
going to take zero damage.

Well, that might have been
a slight exaggeration,

but my point on speed
and power still stands.

Because as I said in the start,

you only need a way to avoid
damage and deal damage.

So we just need to get good.

After the fight, we go
upstairs for our reward.

It could be worse.

With both the Pursuer and
Flexile Sentry defeated,

it was time to skip the Ruin Sentinel
and head straight to the Lost Sinner.

Not only was I unable to
skip the Ruin Sentinels,

the proper way was also
blocked by a statue.

OooOoh, you again?

I was saving this for Shaded Woods,

but looks like I'll have to
find another way for that.

Still, at least things soon got worse.

Oh, shit!

After a quick reminder of
why I usually don't go here,

it was time for the Ruin Sentinels.

The basic premise is quickly killing the
first Sentinel before reinforcements arrives.

Fortunately, the club is perfect for this.

Next was to stand in the blind spot

and do as much as you can
before going downstairs.

Now, one problem is durability.

There were just so many things
to fight before getting here.

Of course, my genius once again prevailed.

A second stick!

Power!

But the real reason behind the
second club was not as a backup,

but for this.

POWER!

It was the perfect combination of
the superior one-handed moveset

and the ludicrously fast
Power Stance follow-up,

which provided me with the burst
damage to take down the Lost Sinner.

I have a policy here.

Speed and power, because in my mind,

speed makes you lighter.

Cork.

I mean, I suppose I can grab a Black
Knight weapon, but that's based on luck,

and there is a much more elegant solution.

After shopping, I headed
down to the Darkroot Basin.

Here's a Top Gear top tip.

Grab a couple firebombs,
stand here and do this.

The shield should protect
you from any close attacks.

Ou!

As long as you two hand it.

Cheese.

Now for the golem in the back.

It's a slow enemy, so it's easy enough.

Ow!

After saving Dusk, we can
buy the best low-level staff

and pick up some spells from Griggs.

Staffs don't require any upgrades,

and since the Ivory Staff does its
maximum damage at just 12 Intelligence,

it's the perfect tool for our challenge.

Anyways, we've got a good lead for now,
so let's see what Hammond is up to.

So you need to buy the
armor for the quest.

Oh, for God's sake.

Fifty...

I misread that at first.

15 000?

Still, could be worse.

We only need 4 more for +4.

After that, the 15 000 I spent
should get us a slab down the road.

Next, we go upstairs to the Stray Demon.

We can use the soul to
transpose it into Havel's Ring.

Now, before we go to the Abyss Watchers,
there is one thing we need to do.

Now for the great, the
legendary Lord of Cinder,

who can be backstabbed repeatedly.

Again and again.

I'm just in place.

After the Abyss Watchers,
we can get the Farron Ring,

which reduces FP consumption
by 25% on weapon arts,

including Gentle Prayer.

That's one step closer to +4,

but the real reason for coming
here besides progression is this.

It's one of the only bone shards
that's dropped from an enemy.

But it didn't work.

Well, that didn't work out, but
when I said one of the only ways,

I meant exactly two.

The other bone shard
is dropped by Solaire.

While intimidating, thankfully
the killing part was easy,

as it was situated in quite
an unfortunate location.

Yes!

Yes!

Ha ha!

Oh, yes!

Now for the Skeleton Lord.

Frost obviously doesn't work here, but
it really doesn't matter that much.

In Irithyll, we can get a
nice ring that boosts damage.

And our last twinkling titanite,
that would put our weapon at +4.

And with the 15,000
souls we spent earlier,

we can grab the Slab from the onion

and recruit him for the next boss.

Hm...

hmm...

The last requirement
of the quest was a key.

A key which we couldn't pick up.

Oh, for God's sake!

Not only that, he was our only
way of dealing with Yhorm,

as the Storm Ruler too was inaccessible.

Oh, that's not a good time.

Hamster.

How's it going?

Really well, actually.

Usually this is the last
place I'd want to go,

but we don't have the fragrant
branch for Shaded Woods.

And we don't have a torch
for the Gutter either.

The club, turned out, was having
some issues in narrow hallways,

so I decided that the most sensible
thing to do was to run away.

Well, no point in fighting since
I can't pick this up anyway.

Does anyone know which skeleton
I have to deal with first?

The mage one, you imbecile.

You always deal with the ranged one first.

It's like medieval times.

Archers were placed at the back
to ensure concentrated volley.

Mate, you're going to die!

I'm going to feed you
into your own machine!

In spite of my colleague's sabotage,

the club was more than enough
to deal with these surprises.

After the skeletons, I was
greeted by a welcome sight.

I'm Chloanne, an stone trader.

She only sells shards, which isn't great,

but will allow our
offhand to be +3 as well.

Strike wasn't the best type to
use, but it didn't really matter.

Now for the best area in
the world, the Earthen Peak.

It was so peak, in fact,

that I've heard that it was
added to Bad Souls 3 as well.

Shut up!

Still, it could be worse.

And then it was.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

I've got a proper weapon
that I can use until the end,

and it's only going to get more powerful.

And if anyone asks how I got
the master key and firebombs,

I'll come to your house and burn it down.

Hidden body was a very
nice spell to have here,

as it can prevent toxic darts,
and especially the boulders.

Watch this.

I'm, for one, glad that FromSoftware decided
to keep the Quelaag observation deck.

Hang on, hang on.

The real power of the observation
deck was not only the view,

but that the lock-on aimed
straight at the human portion.

Which caused a stun lock when hit.

Now Sen's fortress is open, but
before going down that road,

let's grab another easy 20,000 souls.

No matter, we can use the
spell to aggro him instead.

Ou!

Run as soon as the spell connects,
and stand beside the fog wall.

Wait for an easy 20,000 souls.

Uh, hang on.

Turns out, the trigger for the
jump is picking up the clothes,

and without that, Ceaseless
will refuse to use that move.

(James reportedly forgot to kill
Lautrec before ringing the bells)

A-ha-ha-ha-ha!

We were taking a battering,

and things were about to get a lot worse.

We've worked together now for many years,

but we've never struggled to
think of anything to say before.

But I think that's partly because we can never remember
what we said last time, so we just do it again.

Yeah, that's a fact.

Well, you see, we've just been
repeating ourselves to one another

every night for the last...

Eventually...

We are doomed.

We are doomed.

Absolutely.

We're ready to go again.

Right, we're off!

We needed a better weapon, fast.

And the only way to improve
was by getting a titanite slab.

And the only slab we can
get right now was this.

Replenishment and gentle prayer,
and sit in the bonfire to regain FP

while keeping the buff.

The main issue was the lack of estus, so
we needed the safest possible strategy.

Pay close attention to where she moved
after the invisibility, and backstab.

Follow up with a charged heavy
attack and a regular heavy.

That should make phase one easy enough.

Not so much for phase two.

We can call up Gale to
be used as a distraction.

Bonus points for showing
up only in phase two.

Now, Gale isn't going to stay for long,

so it's important to do
as much damage as you can.

Doesn't matter, Gale isn't
needed for phase three.

Not because he isn't helpful
for that, but because of this.

With the slab, we can leave
the arena one way or another,

and upgrade our weapon to +5.

(Immune to... Frost)

Still, could be worse.

Could be him over there.

Without a torch, I was forced to
fight Mitha in the poison pool.

Not only is the poison a constant
drain, but it also heals Mitha.

With the majority of my time spent
on trying to heal over the poison,

this provided less time to attack,

and exacerbated the issue
with the healing boss.

Ouch!

What I should be doing is
get a proper thrust weapon.

What I'm instead going to do is this.

We tap our reserve of Radiant Lifegems,

and go on for an all-out attack.

Radiant Lifegems have
almost double the duration,

which means less time spent on
using, and more time to attack.

She has got quite a nice bottom.

I said that out loud, didn't I?

I've been dreading this.

+3 is not the best place to be in,

especially for this.

To make matters worse,

the moveset wasn't the best for
dealing with invaders either.

For this, we needed to
visit an old friend.

Will you deal?

He sold poison, and poison accessories.

All of them very effective
against NPC invasions.

You just need to land 4 knives
for the poison to stick.

Poisoning them 2 times,

and a few taps from our stick
was enough to send them away.

Using the stick to gain
entry, we meet with Magerold.

He sells some armor with special effects,

like the gloves that
give you 10% more souls.

But more importantly, a
Fragrant Branch of Yore.

The armor has a high Dex requirement,

and without the requirement, your
rolls will be significantly shorter.

So it's a good idea to only
wear it when you need it.

For instance, right after killing a boss.

This particular pursuer
drops the Ring of Blade +1,

which would make a welcome
upgrade to our damage.

He-he-he-he!

Totally unrelated, but I decided

it was a good time to use
the souls to play the part.

Now, it's not a good
idea to run past these,

especially without a bow
to clear the path ahead.

The trick is to lower the platform

and climb up the ladder to
skip most of the encounters.

Now, there's no easy
way to deal with this.

You'll just have to be
good with your rolls.

The other side can be dealt with
firebombs and some collateral damage.

The Old Iron King is not surprisingly
the easiest enemy in the area,

as the terrain provided protection
against every move, except for the laser,

which is, of course, the
best moment to attack.

My oversight has caused
an innocent person to die,

with no way to make things
right, except for one.

Hello.

Was it you who rang the
bell of the awakening

For this, we needed around
37,000 souls or more.

We buy out Griggs' spells, hover
over the bellowing Dragoncrest Ring,

and press the next page button with
our mouse while pressing activate.

This works because the bellowing
Dragoncrest Ring has the same item ID

as the black eye orb.

We just had to overwrite the
category with prompt swap.

Even I was thinking, I want to
put your head in a brown paper bag

and bludgeon you to death
with the blunt end of an axe.

First, some more merchants.

Using the snake to break the wall,
we free Logan using the master key.

Now, for the Iron Golem.

We can ignore the
firebomb giant in the back

and focus on its legs to
make the fight much shorter.

We needed to deal 400 damage to the legs,

but the Ivory Catalyst was
starting to show its age.

This can be fixed by equipping the
Great Heavy Soul Arrow instead.

It's much slower, but
with how defense works,

a much effective source of damage
compared to regular Great Soul Arrow.

Now, in Anor Londo, we can use
Hidden Body to bypass most obstacles.

But the question still remains:

does the orb work, or did we just throw
away the bellowing Dragoncrest Ring?

As dawn broke, the peace and serenity
of this beautiful Ugandan morning

was shattered by the
bellow of a wild animal.

Clarkso-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-on!!!

E-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ornstein was difficult to hit
due to how slippery he was.

Smough was easier, but the hammer
portion was impervious to any damage.

More importantly, I did
not have the durability

or the healing to withstand both attacks.

A boss soul on the bar, estus on the belt,
talisman on the left, Force and Homeward on spells.

L2 to poise cast Force,
consume the boss soul,

press no, run forward, pivot, roll,

press L2 and movement, and
use the estus on your belt.

[Soul dupe]

This uses the estus instead of the boss
soul, while giving you the 20,000 souls.

With good timing, this can
be repeated infinitely.

Make sure to sit on the
bonfire every two times,

or you will use the actual soul itself.

Oh, for God's sake.

At least we got a solid
chunk of damage from this.

A few points in Strength
isn't going to change much,

so we also needed a different strategy.

Two-hand the sword for
the overhead moveset,

and aim for the arms and
especially for the head.

The best moment to attack
is the two-handed slam,

where you can get some
guaranteed hits on the head.

Headshot damage is nice, but
the real reason for it is this.

Nice.

Headshots provide the poise damage
necessary to perform a critical attack.

Speaking of critical attacks,

for Pontiff, buy a parry shield from
the maiden and skip phase one entirely.

You can do the same for phase two,

or alternatively, spam regular attacks after
the transition to brute force it with damage.

After the Pontiff, I took
a trip down to the sewers.

There were two Sulyvahns beasts,

and killing both rewarded
me with the Ring of Favor.

Stamina, health, endurance,
everything you could ever want.

Now for the Devourer of Gods.

Frost works pretty well,
so it's easy enough.

The most dangerous
attack, the rain of arrow,

can be dealt by running around a pillar.

Meanwhile...

Defeating the Old Iron King has stocked
Chloanne's inventory with large shards.

But we're not quite finished
with this path just yet.

Bring a couple of skulls, defeat
every enemy in Huntsman's Copse,

and carefully navigate
your way to the undead b...

Never mind that, just run to the
arena and jump just before the door.

Watch as the buffoons
fall down to their death.

Just ignore this guy, it's not worth it.

Now for the Chariot.

Skulls are very useful
for distracting skeletons,

while you deal with the necromancers.

Clear the area, lower the gate,

and use poison to knock
out the chariot for good.

What is it?

You took wrong off.

This place won't be any fun.

Not for you.

He's obviously evil.

I mean, look at him.

He's almost as small as Hammond.

Now you may be thinking, skill issue.

Should have known that the
item would drop to the ground.

But the real reason for
killing him is this.

Any item that does not
drop is sold by Melentia,

and this particular robe
boosts soul gain by 10%.

Oh, undead are we?

And one without much time remaining.

With the Fragrant Branch
bought from Magerold earlier,

we enter Shaded Woods.

Now before talking to Tark,

make sure not to be followed
because he can actually damage him.

I want you to kill my betrothed.

You don't actually have
to summon Tark for this.

The quest should work just fine.

If you've met Gavlan in No
Man's Wharf and Harvest Valley,

he'll now sell infinite
poison accessories.

Now some might say it's a mix of uninspired
enemies strapped together as a boss.

But to the Enlightened, such as myself,

it's a test of target priority
and, as always, PEAK level design.

This is my thanks.

This is the last branch we'll ever get.

We can't pick up any Estus Shards,

so the most sensible thing to do
is to use it to save a merchant.

Thank you for helping me.

We can head right down the
road from the Congregation

to receive her services.

The way to the bonfire is easy enough.

The problem is when you arrive there.

Now that the area is a bit safer,
we make our way to Ornifex.

We meet again, kind traveler.

She is the only accessible
merchant that sells a bow.

Weed.

Finally, we enter Duke's Dear Freya.

A bit harder than expected.

Not having a torch is a real
downer, but it's manageable.

Still, at Anor Londo, I started
by clearing out the entrance.

The trick here is to use
spells on melee range

to prevent the shield from blocking it.

After clearing out the two giant guards,

we lure out the archer
next to the fog gate.

One important note is that the cutscene must
have not been triggered before doing this.

Parry.

And perform a critical
attack in front of the fog

so that our body clips into the arena.

After triggering the cutscene, we go up
to the bonfire and back into the arena.

[AI freeze]

Hang on, hang on.

What on earth?

This trick only works if
we kill Ornstein first.

Now, using our spells, we
can take out Fatty easily.

The pyromancy flame is the only weapon
that doesn't require any material.

It does, however, require
huge amounts of souls.

Fortunately, all you
need is a bottomless box

and exactly 2 titanite shards.

Now, we change the order of the items

so that the boss soul is on top
and put the soul in the box.

Using the same trick as how we got the
Black Eye Orb from the titanite shard,

use the mouse to press the arrow

and press activate at the
same time and select 2.

[Underflow]

Feeding two souls while only
having one causes an underflow,

so instead of -1 soul, we get 99.

The pyromancy flame has a higher magic
adjust, but it can only use pyromancies.

Let's fix that.

For this, we get the Dark Sign to the
top block with the Ivory Catalyst,

jump and use the dark sign,

press the menu button and use item at
the same time until you get a UI glitch.

Finally, equip a bow in the left hand,

turn around and replace with a pyro flame.

You'll know you got it when
you can cast sorceries.

And it's not just a visual bug,

the damage actually scales with
the flame instead of the stuff.

As you can see, the damage
difference is night and day.

Turns out, my biggest
weakness wasn't bad damage.

It was bad defense and heal.

Fortunately, now that I have
infinite disposable income

and a blacksmith that sold unique
armor and sold twinkling titanites,

I can do this.

I mean, our healing is still very bad,
but frankly, it doesn't really matter.

And of course, my convoluted
solution was all for naught.

When I tested how pyromancies perform.

Well, here's a Top Gear top tip.

Instead of doing all that crap to
moveset swamp, just use pyromancies.

With all my experience in Anor Londo,

I once again decided to
help out Richard instead.

According to James,
this fog wall is cursed.

So, if we stand as far away as possible,

enter and spam backsteps,
this should happen.

[AI freeze]

And since there was no phase
transition, like in Ornstein and Smough,

the AI freeze persisted
over the entire battle.

Next, we are teleported
to High Wall of Lothric.

Since the last battle
didn't cost any resources,

we could fight Dancer head on.

Next up was the Dragonslayer Armor.

He is critically weak to
frost, so another pushover.

There are loads of crystal lizards here,

including ones that drops
titanite scales for some reason.

The last Lord of Cinder
resided in Grand Archives,

and without picking up this key, it was
impossible to beat them, or the game.

Oh, that's not a good time.

What are you doing?

What have you got?

It's pretty... I don't want to tell you.

Time to put the cat ring into good use.

I descended down and
down, into the rat zone.

In the meantime, we beat up
some rats, meet another rat...

and buy some dung for the trip.

Here's a Top Gear top tip.

Strip naked.

Right now.

This prevents our equipment from breaking
when rolling into corrosive jars.

I mean, the Rotten isn't really
hard in the worst of days.

You just need enough
stamina to roll three times.

Last time I was here, I had
to farm like a million souls.

Now we can just walk in freely.

Well, this does say examine,

but it gives you the great
soul when you press it.

And I'd rather not lose to a technicality.

First part of business is
to cash in on our reserve.

We had a bunch of soul-boosting
gear before, so it should be close.

Unfortunately, it wasn't.

We needed to find a way to
make as much souls as possible

with our current tool.

This one is really for
materials and not souls.

There was also the giant method.

5,000 per run.

Still too slow.

Using the Ascetic bought from Chloanne,

we reset the Chariot Arena to New Game+.

2 reasons for this.

First is to gain more souls from gravity.

But more importantly, the Chariot itself.

Enemies are obviously tougher in NewGame+,

but a couple of leftover
skulls should do the trick.

And after the Chariot was
kind enough to run them over,

it was time to poison it.

Or you could do the more sensible thing

and throw rat shit at him instead.

The Chariot does drop a good amount of
souls, but that's really a side effect.

Because the real reason is this.

Since we couldn't pick up
the Chloranthy Ring +1,

this was an immense boost to our loadout.

And now that the bonfire was clear,

the rest of the souls can
be obtained with gravity.

I have worked my fingers
to the bone for that.

As expected, the Stone Soldier
was no match for the Wooden Club.

This is why we went through the trouble of
getting the bow and those poison arrows.

Now for the Dragonriders.

The trick here was to make the Archer
fall off and focus on him instead.

And the remaining one is...

well, it's just a Dragonrider.

Picking up is getting an item
after pressing Activate, right?

In that logic, do ladders count?

Because I'll eventually get some item.

After that troubling thought,
we meet up with an old friend.

Well, I really should have expected this.

Opening this door will eventually
lead to the Mirror Knight Soul.

So I've technically used an
Activate button to get an item.

This item was a key

which granted entry to the King's
Passage and to the Mirror Knight.

Thou hast journey'd far, and
overcome much, chosen Undead.

Come hither, child...

O chosen Undead. I bequeath
the Lordvessel to thee.

With warping unlocked, we return to
Firelink Shrine and revive our dear maiden.

Oh, cock!

Oh, no!

Oh, that's such a shame!

Oh, sorry, James.

That's really a rotten bit of luck.

Heavens!

You have done it!

You have retrieved the Lordvessel!

We have excellent defence
and decent offence.

The only thing we're
missing is good heals.

So, we use the same trick with the
Boss Soul to underflow more Humanities.

These Humanities are not
just a method of healing.

It also boosts our stats and
is a currency for Covenants.

We can do the same with materials.

For instance, the Dragon
Scale dropped from the Hydra.

I have no idea why that doesn't work.

But there is always another way.

The first step is to buy 999
Longswords with the mouse trick.

Next, we grab some Souls from
the kind old demon downstairs.

Back to Andre, we get the prompt for
buying a Longsword, but back out.

Using the mouse, we press Quit Game
and the inventory at the same time

until this happens.

And with the mouse, drop minus 998 Scales.

I mean, no one said anything
about dropping items.

Well, having a bunch of Scales
is nice, but where do we use it?

For that, we go down and down
until we reach the Ash Lake.

One last thing to do before we leave.

We go around the back, tickle
the Great Goat until we get this.

Watch this.

I mean, the damage is
superb, but it is very slow.

For that, we buy a Rapier.

And similarly how we swap
the Staff to the Pyro Flame,

we set up to swap the
Rapier into the Greatsword.

On the outside, it looks
like nothing changed.

The regular attack is the same.

But the real value is
on the running attack.

It had the damage of the Greatsword,
but the animation of the Rapier.

Oh, cock.

Well, the only thing I brought is Fire and
Poison, and Ceaseless is immune to both of them.

Good thing I brought these, but I'll
have to move swap before it kills me.

Ow!

There's a really angry demon about
to ceaselessly discharge on me,

so it's a race against time
before I get fingered to death.

Watch this.

Using the shortcut, I reached Lost
Izalith and to the Bed of Chaos.

My weapon isn't going to help
out here, so I brought these.

With careful positioning,
aiming, and throw,

I was able to disable both sides
without running through the gauntlet.

Let's go down the list.

Seath is invincible here,

but after this, we can escape from
the cell and challenge him for real.

Still, could be worse.

Without entering Grand Archives, I
could not kill the last Lord of Cinder,

and I could not enter the Archives
without picking up the key.

Tears of denial was out of the
question as the book was inaccessible,

so there wasn't even a glitch I could use.

So I had no choice but to
pick up the key and move on.

But that's just not acceptable now, is it?

Now, if you think about it,

the true ending to the entire Dark
Souls series is not the Lord of Cinder,

but Gale.

Standing in the edge of time,
battling the sins of the past,

and painting a new world.

But for that, I would have to go
through the most difficult gauntlet

in the entire Souls series.

I still only had three Estus,

but I was much stronger and
better equipped than before.

The trick to phase 3 is
bait out the 7-hit combo.

Go in and stab her in the back.

As we stand at the edge of the world,

we find a friendly hag
that sold Divine Blessings.

It was once again time to
recruit our favorite slave.

The Ringed City required a
banner, which we couldn't pick up.

So in conclusion, it was impossible to
beat either the main game or the DLC

without picking up an item.

Hammond?

Yes man.

Man, bad luck.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

First, we spend around 15,000 souls.

And if that sounds familiar to
you, yes, I am that desperate.

Next, we burn an ascetic in Majula.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Well, there is one more merchant.

Only problem is finding
him in all three locations.

After finding him in Black Gulch,
Shaded Woods, and Drangleic Castle,

we join the Covenant and
gain access to 10 ascetics.

As a famous man once said,

«I've given thee courtesy enough».

You now have 28 seconds to
fly to your destination,

which, in our case, is the King's Passage.

Since the door was still locked,

every time you fight the
boss, you have to repeat this.

She now sells infinite large shards,

which we can use to round up our
clubs, but more importantly, our bows.

It can be used to lure in enemies
or outright kill a ranged one.

Filthy mage.

It can also be used with poison
arrows to take a good chunk of health

out of the Semon of Dong.

The rest can be done with
hard work and the stick.

Where we find a back alley dealer who
sold performance-enhancing mushrooms.

Let's step back for a moment
before fighting Seath.

Just before the Seath arena,
we pull up the elevator.

Stand in front of the lever and line
up with a bow before pulling it.

It's important to be lined up, because
after pulling it, we need to roll fast.

Right, forward and backwards.

Finally, turn to the right and roll
off on the second floor you see.

How did these get here?

Oof!

The darkness made navigating
an impossible task.

There are three sources of light.

The most obvious is the lantern.

And we can't pick it up.

There was also the sunlight maggot.

I mean, this one looks kind
of like a crystal lizard.

Which leaves us with the only choice.

The spell Cast Light.

Fortunately, the princess isn't dead.

She's just stuck in the DLC.

Turns out, saving the princess
was entirely unnecessary.

The Princess Dusk is here no longer.

Well, sucks to be her, as
Elizabeth sold Cast Light instead.

Nice.

Speaking of helpful merchants...

I think you've got something
to say to me, haven't you?

For heaven's sake, let's
not mope about, eh?

Well, two can play at that game.

Please take this.

Not as efficient without the bellowing
Dragoncrest or the Dusk crown,

but a few cast was
enough to obliterate him.

After Nito, Patches now sold some drip.

Princess Dusk is here no longer, snatched
away by that horrifying primeval evil.

And so I must ask, couldst thou
once more play the saviour?

To be clear, I do feel really bad
about not saving the firekeeper.

Ah, let me guess, dragged off to the past.

So this is the least I can do.

Not because I want those style points.

Don't care, don't care, still don't care.

Now, we have a choice to make.

Chloanne now sells chunks, but not
enough to upgrade both of our clubs.

So we can either go
with a +8 on our offhand

or choose a different single
weapon and make it +10.

Since we had a lot of DEX due
to the bow and no way to respec,

a weapon with good DEX scaling was ideal.

And then I'll figure out some way of...

Power.

Power!

Let's get about our business.

This... well, I bought
this because I like it.

Hang on, you just...

No, I like it.

This is brilliant, but I like this.

Let me put it to you this way, Hammond.

You can buy better dogs than
my West Highland Terrier,

but I like my West Highland Terrier.

Yes, it bites the postman and it
lays dog eggs all over the kitchen

and it steals food, but
it's brilliant because...

If this had ears...

The King's Ring, unfortunately, was
an item that had to be picked up.

As long as it was an open spot, I had
absolutely nothing to worry about.

The scope of my engineering
genius literally knows no bounds.

Time to test out the damage.

Holy moly!

Well, the least I could say is
I have made a very wise choice.

Now for some weed.

Now I can just talk and get out of here, or
I can get some giant souls while I'm at it.

Just stand between his toes
and move out of the way.

For this, you just follow the tail.

Works every time.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Now for the Giant Lord.

Right.

No matter, it was an open space and
a kind hollow was helpful enough

to give me a boost.

The Giant Lord is, well,
same as the Last Giant.

This one says examine,
but gives you an item.

So instead of debating who picked up
what, let's follow the golden rule.

That rule, of course, power and speed.

Well, I knew it was going to
be bad, but this is really bad.

In hindsight, this should have been
expected, as we only had 2 giant souls,

which means all damage was reduced to 1/8.

Oh, for Christ's sake!

Nothing a bit of parrywalk can't fix.

Only difference is the ladder, which
allows us to clip through solid walls.

Now inside the throne
room, we rely on mushrooms.

After Nashandra shows up, just wait beside
the doorway to avoid the curse balls.

I'm starting to think that Dark Souls
2 isn't really the best Souls game.

Maybe the First Sin was
this game being made.

With no more options left,

my only choice was resort to
an ancient forbidden ritual.

But to make this work, I was going
to need some souls, a lot of souls,

and some blood sacrifice.

After finishing killing every
single enemy in Lothric Castle,

I prepared for the blood sacrifice.

Some say that he's a CIA
experiment that went wrong,

and that he only eats cheese.

All we know is, he's not the Stig,

but he is the Stig's American cousin.

Stig now moves downstairs, and
bring a mimic along for the ride.

Back to the entrance, Stig uses
Rapport to make the mimic fall asleep.

The position and the angle of the
mimic is key for this to work.

When the mimic is facing the wall, Stig
will use the grab to clip into the wall.

Well, the intention was to make
Stig pass through the wall,

but seems like he's too fat for that.

What's worse, every time he was
re-summoned, the mimic would desynchronize.

Uh, Stig, you alright mate?

Thankfully, this can be fixed with a
quick revisit to where the mimic was.

But still, the core issue remains, and we
were no closer to entering the Grand Archives.

First, the Stig runs to the ladder,
grabs it, but pivot at the same time.

After the item greys out as if on
a ladder, Stig goes for the chest.

The ladder animation is stored,
and released on the grab animation,

which lets us clip through the floor.

Not very helpful just
yet, so Stig returns,

and comes back as a mad phantom.

Same as before, he does a merry-go-round
to sync the mimic, do a ladder pivot...

...and gets.

Now Stig moves away to the side, and it's
time for me to store the ladder animation,

and get eaten myself.

I go further down, while Stig
moves to the original position.

While Tears of Denial is activated,
he uses the Crow Talons to drop down.

Stig touches a death plane
that instantly kills him,

and it was our job to pull
him out with a backstab.

The easy part is over, and everything
from here on out depends on Stig.

Stig can now fly, but he cannot lower the
elevator for us, and he can still take damage.

The only thing Stig can do is go into
the boss arena, and trigger the boss,

which leads to this.

This only works if the
cutscene was never triggered,

so really we only get one shot at this.

That was also why we
needed all those souls,

as we had one shot at this,
it was all or nothing.

With all four Lord of Cinders dead,
there was only one boss remaining.

That does kind of answer
the question, doesn't it?

How hard can it be?

Very, very hard indeed.

Well, hang on a minute, I
thought I did rather well.

So we all didn't have
to pick up any items.

No, no, no, we still haven't seen how a
certain someone escaped his cell now, did we?

Greetings mate!

Moron.

So, did you or did you
not pick up the key?

Well, I did beat the DLC as
well, so that counts, right?

Er, no.

So what you're saying is, you
had to pick up the key, right?

Yes I did, but I need to clarify that.

Which means, how do you say this?

Skill issue.

What I'm trying to say is that

I couldn't find a way to escape
my cell in Dark Souls Remastered.

Because for that, we need to
go long before the remaster.

Wait, what?

Oh my god.

Oh, come on.

He can't keep getting away.

This story starts so long ago, in
fact, that I wasn't even born yet.

There's no way he's
getting away like this.

James, I swear to god if you...

Some say he's the first
ever Darkwraith to exist,

and that he has never taken
any damage in his life.

All we know is he's not the Stig,

but he is the Stig's edgy cousin.

He's not actually here for Lotrek,
he's here for the invasion coordinates.

More on that later.

Right now, the Stig stands next
to a ledge, uses a Homeward Bone,

switch out his right-hand weapon,
fall down, and use a firebomb.

Now let's talk about invasion coordinates.

Stig just invaded in Anor Londo.

So the location Anor
Londo is stored in memory,

but the coordinate is
stored in the save file.

And if we create a character right after,

this coordinate can be
transferred to another character.

So my brand new save file
has an invasion coordinate.

The next step is to quit the game
completely, and reset the memory.

Now Stig heads to the DLC
entrance to load the DLC,

and do an item swap to force
use the Purple Coward's Crystal.

After that, he runs
away to unload the DLC.

The game has no idea where to send
him, and boots him into the main menu.

And, if we load our brand
new character, this happens.

Instead of loading into our cell, we
have loaded into our invasion coordinate,

and are currently falling
through Anor Londo.

Well, since only the coordinate
is used, and not the map,

unless the invasion
happens at the same area,

we will always fall to our death.

And since you can't invade in the
Asylum, this can only mean one thing.

Ppf-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

You know what a bad loser is?

Well, Hammond is what's
called a bad winner.

Yes!

What do you think of that?

Well done.

Congratulate me, then I've won.

This is something I've wanted to do.

I've worked in television for 20 years
and never had the chance yet, okay?

Back to the studio.

Hey, that's my line!

That's what I wanted to say!

What I thought I'd do is put
the fire out, and then say...

Back to the studio.