Top Gear - Dark Souls 1/2/3 Special

[Music - Top Gear Intro]

[Jeremy Clarkson]
Tonight, Richard wears a blue hat

James wears a different hat

And I wear a hat with things on it.
(hammond yelling in background)

[Music ends]

[Music - Kaer Morhen (The Witcher 3)]

[James May]
It all started here.

It's the first, and frankly, still the best in the series.

[Richard Hammond]
Yeah, I mean, there's a rough edge here and there,

but for a first attempt, I think it's pretty crisp--

[Jeremy Clarkson, interrupting]
beHOLD the genius.

[Music - Captain Haunt Boss Phase 2
(Borderlands 3 - Bloody Harvest)]

[Hammond]
Yeah, mate, honestly... (laughing)

[Clarkson]
Honestly, it's not even a question. It's peak.

It's Peak Souls II.
[hammond] eh?

[Clarkson - Voiceover]
Whatever.

It was time for our first challenge.

[Music - Stardust Man Appears (JJBA S3)]

[Clarkson - Conversation]
Each of you will beat your game from start to finish.

You are allowed to use any weapon, armor, ring, and consumables;

kill any boss in any order;

level up;

and upgrade freely.

[May] Hang on, did--
[Hammond] It's not really a challenge..
[May] That's easy.

[Clarkson] There's more.

You are not allowed to pick up any items.

[brief silence to process]

[Hammond] Uhhhhh.... which ones.

[Clarkson] Well, I reckon it's all of them.

[May] So that's like starting gear...

[Hammond] And shop items, I guess?

[Clarkson] Minus one point for each item you pick up.

And bonus points for style, yes!

[Hammond] Right! Yes!
[Clarkson] Flamboyant and fast.

[Clarkson] How hard can it be?

[Hammond] Don't say that!!!

[Music - Chocobo Theme - 60's Surf
Big Band Ver (The 8-Bit Big Band)]

[Clarkson] Well like we've got to ask, okay--

[Hammond] You've noticed that.
[Clarkson & May] Yeah.

[Clarkson] This is...
[Hammond] It's genius.

The cleric starts with some miracles,
and especially, a chime

which is surprisingly hard to get
if you can't pick things up.

And as the only game with an
Ashen Estus Flask,

topping off my health
was going to be no issue.

[music cuts]
Oh, no!

[music resumes]
Not the best start.

But healing is like a skill issue.
oh, for god's sakes...

Still, we had a solid early weapon,
and a shield to score some style points.

I mean, it's gotta be worth
like one pickup, right?

After actually losing all my style points,

I headed to Firelink shrine
to enact my second master plan.

There's a lot of stuff you can pick up
even before entering the High Wall.

...Oh, right. Pick up, huh.

No Ashen Estus meant that
I was stuck with three flasks.

Things weren't looking great.
That's just cruel.

Let's say you want an item.
You could pick it up, which we can't.

You could buy one, but did you know
there is another? [another way?]

Bosses and unique enemies can deposit
items directly into your inventory.

Quest is going to be an
important part as well,

since we cant just kill NPCs to get items.

[Emma]...and raise this banner to proceed.

[Vordt roars badly]
Vordt. Not really a challenge right now.

Plus zero is as good a start as any.

But it all goes downhill from here
if we can't reinforce our gear.

[BONK]

Speaking of upgrades, titanite shards
aren't dropped by crystal lizards,

so we need to buy those.

For this, we take a quick trip
up to the Old Wolf of Farron bonfire.

[music cuts]
..........................................

[Music - 疑惑の先に (Persona 5 Tactica)]
Not only was I unable to pick anything up,

I was locked out from buying most
shop items as well. Well, its just my luck

that I pick the only game where buying
things require you to pick something up.

Still, could be worse.

[Music stops]

(Clarkson, muttering)
maniac.

maniac.

yobbo.

mania-oh well oh hold on i think
there's a chance here--

[Music - Tarantula (Nuclear Option)]
A famous man once said:

"A man's worth is shown not by the wealth
he possesses, but by the respect he earns."

If you think about it, as long as you
don't take any hits, and can deal damage,

you can kind of beat the entire game.
I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

After making my way to the Firekeeper,
(that's the EMERALD HERALD you swine)

I received my one and only estus, as
there was no way to upgrade it any further

Oh, for Christ's sake...

Now, the next step requires
around 200 souls,

which can be obtained like this:
[barehanded parry+riposte]

With four Hollows dead,
we can now afford a single firebomb.

The plan is to hit the barrels
on the other side.

[bomb explodes, nothing happens]

Well, ...it could be worse.

After blowing a hole in the wall,
[BOOM]

our next step is to jump on
top of the railing and over the ladder.

This will cause the Pursuer to come down.
Next, we run straight towards the bonfire,

being careful not to let our stamina
run out completely,and sit on the bonfire.

{PURSUER CHEESE}

Now, we have enough souls to afford
a weapon, but do we really need one?

The Ring of Blades also increases our
bare hand damage, and that's all we need.

Now. I believe in speed. Power.
Power and speed solves many things.

[bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk]

[more weak and slow bonking]
POWERR! POWER, COME ON--

[stomped into the floor] [music cuts]
Speed and power doesn't work.

Still, could be worse.

[Music - Sprixie Kingdom
(Super Mario 3D World)]

(May) It is absolutely necessary
to have a plan on everything.

So I've taken the liberty of
researching every route,

and items sold by every merchant.

Naturally, our first move was to head to
Firelink Shrine, and review our options.

[music fanfares]
oh, cock. (hammond and clarkson laugh)

Shut up.

(Hammond) Because we were working
as a team, we decided to leave him behind.

[Music - Raise the Anchor!
(Super Robot Wars V)]

(Hammond) We can't buy titanite shards,
and crystal lizards don't drop them.

But they do drop something else.
[TWINKLING TITANITE]

This wasn't really useful, unless you had
an NPC called Greirat,

that can sell both Twinkling Titanites
and Twinkling Titanite weapons.

[music cuts as dogs attack]

[Music - Memoir #2 (May Roosvelt)]

[longing for greirat]

[Music - When Trumpets Fade (SNOW06)
(Tiny Tank)]

(Clarkson) With my tail between my legs,
I decided to give in to the temptation.

I'm sure you've seen this like a millionth
time, but it's an important trick to know.

Basically, what you do here is wait
six steps, and then roll to the right,

and it's easy as--
[MGS noticed sfx]

Oh, for Christ's sake...

After defeating the Dragonrider
on our first try, it was time to

gather up all the souls, spend a total of
10k quid, and receive the snake ring.

Now we have a limited
amount of Titanite Shards,

[Music - King of the Shingai (Code Vein)]
so we need to buy

the best weapon in the world,
and stick with it.

After considering every possible detail,
ranging from moveset to damage,

the choice was obvious.

This- (May) Is that a hoe?
(Clarkson) -is all you- (laughs)

It's an elegant weapon;
fast, and deals strike damage.

Everything you could ever want.
A marvel of engineering,

and probably the first tool ever used.

AND THERE'S THE FINISH LINE!
POWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Sometimes I stagger even myself
with my genius.

After a short victory lap, I made my way up to the Lost Bastille.

I have enough souls to buy six large shards. That's a +6 club.

Still, could be worse.

Yes, he's dead. So that's ten points away there. And if you want a job on Top Gear, please write to Top Gear-