English subtitles

[Top Gear Theme]

[JEREMY] Tonight, James May faces trial by water,

James annoys a dog,

And James says "ow, ow, ow, ow ow"

As the loser of the previous challenge,

we decided to give James another chance.

After breaking his legs, of course.

[JAMES] Oh, cock.

First order of business is to figure out how to move.

Forward was easy enough, as attacking moves you forward.

Turning around however -

Why the bloody hell won't it turn round?

Fortunately, the hunter starts with a bow,
which can be used to aim and -

Hang on, did -

[Crickets chirping]

[RICHARD] It's all over, mate

[JAMES] Oh, cock.

Still, we can choose the binoculars
as our starting gift.

It is so unbelievably slow,

but you do start with it from the get go.

Now for some basic tricks.

You can use backsteps instead
for faster movement,

and use the lock on to turn
around in a pinch.

Contrary to popular belief,

backsteps DO have i-frames.

Problem is, it's only four frames.

The more important aspect is

the near infinite poise you get during
the starting frames.

After that, we can finally pick up our
starting gear.

An upgrade, for sure,

but it wasn't going to make our lives
easier any time soon.

"Ow!"

"[Bleep] thing"

And without any ranged options,

"Ow!"

even a simple bow hollow proved to be
a challenge.

"Ow!"

At least we can get the jump on this guy.

Should be easy enough!

As it turned out, attacks that knock you
backwards,

and not being able to move forward,

didn't mix too well!

Oh, cock.

There's no real point in trying to dodge
with backsteps.

It won't be precise enough to
dodge anything,

and you'll still have to close
back the distance.

The most pressing matter is,
of course, mobility,

or lack thereof.

So before heading out,
we make sure to pick up

all the items, including the
homeward bones.

Regular hollows are hard enough.

So our only real choice is up to the burg.

After reaching the burg and picking up a
nearby shield,

we head down to the Undead Merchant.

"hehehehe"

First order of business is to buy a
shortbow for the significantly faster aim.

After that, we stock up on arrows,
and buy around 30 firebombs.

The damage is - well, not the best -

but at least it can fire from a
safe distance.

Before heading up to the Taurus Demon,

we stop by a stack of barrels.

"Holy mother! Did you see that!"

After crossing the fog gate -

"Ow!"

taking care of the archers,
we meet with the Taurus Demon.

Our only defense is backsteps,

so we need to kill the Taurus Demon

before the bridge runs out.

Arrows are too slow for this,

so use the fire bombs from earlier.

Now that we have a nice amount in the bank

we can start thinking about weapons.

But before that, we need to reach Andre.

To that end, we head up to the
Undead Parish.

"Hahahahahaha!"

Trick here is to bait the fire from a
relatively safe location.

"Ow!"

In this location, the fire only hits once,

and after that intial blast,

we can safely head down the bridge.

"Oh crikey, it's the rozzers."

Under the bridge, we meet up with
the dragon

or at least, the rear end of it.

Well, I'm already holding a bow,

so it would be a damn shame to not
take advantage of it.

With a couple dozen arrows and
some patience,

we can cut down the tail for a decent
early game weapon.

"Heheheheyyy, look at that!"

The rats can be a bit of a
pain in the arse,

because the last thing you want is
getting poisoned.

Never mind, could be worse.

"Hang on did-"

and, then it was.

Oh, cock.

"Hahahaha!" "Oh shut up!"

99 firebombs, because this is going to
be a long journey.

Should be the last time we buy firebombs.

You may think spending THIS much on
firebombs is wasteful.

But we can get back a lot of souls

with item pickups.

After reaching the New Londo Ruins,

we head up, use the master key

and enter... The Valley of Drakes.

As the name suggests, the place is
crawling with, well, drakes.

This one in particular, however,
can't move.

There is also a ledge, and we
happen to have 99 firebombs.

You can see where this is going.

After the dragon, we can get a
healthy amount of souls,

a shield, and a sword.

That was against a stationary enemy

the other drakes won't be that easy.

Unless, of course, they get
stuck in the terrain.

Easy enough!

But the next one, not so much.

Cock.

Unless, of course, you use the
bow to distract

which increases the amount they
need to turn before attacking.

Now, there was only one
obstacle remaining.

Cock.

Cheese!

Not the best weapon in the world,

but it does its job.

After that it was a quick
trip up to Andre.

We can get the Grass Crest Shield,

and a longbow for longer range.

"Watch this! Oh, hang on, hang on,"

After quitting out, we get the jump on the
crystal lizard for some Twinkling Titanites

We're almost to the Undead Parish,

only thing remaning is the
Darkroot Garden,

which should be - "Ow ow ow ow!"

Quit out if you get grabbed,

and use firebombs.

This was a present from
Snoop Dogg a few years ago

when I made an album with him.

It actually makes the noise "bling"
when you hold it up to the camera.

Look, it goes "bling"!

I'll just give this a little -

It's the first weapon we ever saw!

It's light enough to use while staying
below 25% equip load.

It's easy to get with the master key,

and its upgraded with twinkling titanites.

It's the perfect one handed weapon,

and it's called the Astora Straight Sword.

"Hahahahaha!"

I'm never financially recovering from
those wasted Twinkling Titanites.

Never mind. Could be worse.

Oh, cock.

"Ah, hello there. I have your reward."

He's quite a sweet fellow, really.

I think I'll call him Bob.

"Let's not be greedy, now."

Moments later, Bob is dismembered.

Normally, I would wait for Anor Londo,

but we need the health, stamina,
and endurance right now.

We head down and down,

past the New Londo Ruins

past the Valley of Drakes,

and into Blighttown.

Now we don't exactly have the damage
to deal with these,

but we can use the
extra health from the ring,

plus the near infinite poise -

After that humiliating defeat,
I once again turned to my old addiction.

You may be thinking I'm going to
Blighttown with these firebombs,

but what I'm instead going to do is this.

"Ow!"

Oh, cock.

The shortcut lever to New Londo,

as well as our choice of weapon,

was unfortunately behind a key.

That's where the bow and arrow comes in.

After picking up a green shard
along the way -

Should come in handy later -

we go down, past the lever room, for
our weapon of choice.

Why not use the short or the long bow?

Well, it's because the composite bow has
the highest damage by far

After unlocking the shortcut for later,

we warp back to Andre.

With headshots, we can now deal with
most enemies from a safe distance.

Without breaking the bank.

This should come in handy,
for the barbarians on the entrance

as well as Quelaag.

Cock.

The trick here is to lure in one by one

and use the drake sword's two handed move

"Ow!"

The actual trick here is to use repeated
headshots to stunlock it.

Since there were a lot of ladders,

resting at a bonfire was not an option.

Unless you want to be stuck here forever
with Quelaag.

In which case, uh, based.

Unfortunately, the poison swamp
and mosquitoes

were not making things easy.

Having an upgraded bow helps,

and it's good practice since we'll be
manually aiming a lot.

Speaking of, Quelaag can be stunned,

similar to how we stunlocked the barbarians
by aiming for the human portion.

"Watch this! Oh, hang on, hang on."

"What on earth..."

That didn't work.

But just to be sure, let's see it again
from several angles.

"What, I've got to get out?

Where the hell do you think I'm
going to go? Ah, no!"

And the great question that we are
addressing on this occasion is

Cheese versus Cheese.

We can use the accessibility ramp
placed in front of Miyazaki-san's

Quelaag Observation Deck.

With the bell rung, we can head
on to Sen's Fortress,

and make the long journey
up to Anor Londo.

Oh, cock.

We can't kill the gargoyles and ring the bell
to open the gate.

So this leaves us with only one choice.

In this state, you cannot use your
bow to aim.

However, pressing aim will turn you in a
seemingly random direction.

Think it has something to do with the
initial location where the deathcam was triggered.

Use trial and error until you get
the right angle,

and punch to move forward, or backstep
to move backwards.

Thankfully, we can stop by the bonfire,
kindle, if you haven't already,

because this is going to be a
one way trip.

Once we enter Sen's Fortress, we can now
quit out to disable the deathcam.

We are now locked in. There will be no escape
until we beat Anor Londo,

and recieve the Lordvessel.

To no one's surprise, we were ill-equipped
to face the challenges of Sen's Fortress.

One thing we can improve easily,

is the number of Estus Flasks.

Cock.

The Astora Straight Sword prevents
skeletons from reassembling.

Now this would have been a helpful effect,

if not for the fact that we can use
our bow to kill the necromancers.

Once we skip the entire map using a
quick shortcut.

We can jump down and summon up
Paladin Leeroy

"Hi!"

After picking up the Cleric set, we head
down to Pinwheel.

"Ow ow ow ow ow!"

Leeroy can deal the bulk of the damage,

while we sort out the clones
using our bow.

Or at least, that was the original plan.

[Dial Up Internet sound]

"Oh for god's sake!"

"Oh god in Heaven [BLEEP] you heap of dog [BLEEP]"

For the next step of our plan,
we need a ring.

Any ring works, except for the
ring of favor and protection.

Now, back to Andre.

We use our mouse to hover over the arrow,
click the arrow and press buy at the same time.

Press once more to get the insufficent soul message.

After that, open up the system menu.

Hold right click, select quit game,
and let go.

After the message pops up,

Select any item and drop -998.

This works for pretty much any item
that can be stacked,

but having a few thousand long swords
can cause some issues

Which of course, we can exploit.

Remember that Cleric's set we
picked up earlier.

Upgrade the hat to +5

Equip and unequip the hat,

Pop a humanity, and during the animation
press the second weapon slot.

After that, try to unequip the ring.

Finally, equip the priest's hat.

We have now spawned a fully upgraded
Black Knight Sword from thin air.

"This is like being a [BLEEP]
hippopotamus."

The damage is superb, but it
is a bit on the slower side

and the range isn't great either.

To solve some of these issues,

we head to the Darkroot Garden.

The forest guardians can be a pain.

Melee ones are fine, but this filthy mage
tends to roll back and spam spells,

and we don't exactly have the best
forward movement.

Thankfully, we have this.

Once we reach the cat, we can join up
to make them friendly.

After the cat, we can go behind the building
for the stone armour.

"Oh, hang on, hang on. What on earth..."

This is because of these three thousand
weight swords,

so make sure to drop these after you do
the whole cleric hat shenanigans.

Armour and poise does help! But there
was one more thing to pick up before we leave.

"Do you speak English?" "Yep."

"Do you know where there's any beer?"

"I dunno mate, I'm just a mascot."

Ah, it's actually a frame slower than
regular backsteps,

but the flip has actually usable i-frames.

With our new-found movement option,
we flip ahead.

Down to Quelaag's domain.

Buying 99 firebombs is only going to take
us so far.

One good alternative is pyromancies.

Now normally, you would save Laurentius
down in the depths to get the pyro flame,

but there is another way.

Once you start scratching your head,

head back to the hidden bonfire.

"I've no use for it any longer."

But more importantly, a free pyro flame.

We can upgrade it on the same spot,

and after removing the egg, we visit
Quelana for more.

One important thing is to make sure to
ascend only once and not any more.

Since we are here, might as well pick up
the armour.

We can use flips to i-frame through all
the attacks, and make it fall off

near the fog gate for an easy kill.

Now you might be thinking it's high time we
bail, and buy some pyromancies.

What I'm instead going to do, is this.

After that, we can claim our prize.

Remember, we haven't sat on any bonfires,
so failure is not an option.

We don't have the upgrade
materials just yet,

but what we can do is go
back to the asylum.

"Bit too close to the edge there! Um...

I've got to be careful how I move, otherwise...
I'll fall into the valley."

Movement is affected by FPS. So the 60 FPS
patch from DSFix

needs to be temporarily disabled.

The rest is going up to the nest.

Should be easy enough.

"Jeez!"

"Ow!"

After arriving at where it all started,

the first order of business was -

"Wraaa! Give me-" "Ah shut up!"

Remember that pyro flame we got earlier?

The smart thing to do would be to
actually use it.

This is probably a shit idea.

We can now head inside and kill the
Black Knight for a chunk.

Back at Andre, we use our mouse trick
once again to activate creative mode.

Now, to the catacombs, we take the
slow route this time,

turning the lever to activate the bridge,

and falling down to reach...

Ah, I thought this was supposed to do
fire damage.

For that, we can take a visit to
the Lower Undead Burg.

Unlock the shortcut, and buy fire arrows
from the female undead merchant.

Pretty good, probably not worth the
pyro flame though.

The invincibility frame afforded
by the flip ring,

combined with the near infinite poise
you get from backsteps,

is key to traversing the traps of
Sen's Fortress.

I also made this.

It has a quick and long backstep attack,
which is perfect for the flip ring.

I-frames, of course, has it's limits, and
that's where the bow comes in.

With good timing, we can poise through
the boulder.

"Jeez!"

And even with bad timing, we have just
enough time to avoid the next one.

"I genuinely don't like heights, okay, it's my
biggest failing. Among many, like you said."

The flip is barely fast enough to
avoid the fireballs,

but as long as you stay cool and don't
cave into the pressure -

"Oh, cock."

Never mind, could be worse.

After killing the fireball throwing giant,

we can finally reach the Iron Golem.

Big, wide, straight paved roads.
Now this is what I like to see.

"Cock."

Still, could be worse.

At least it doesn't have any pendulums
swinging above it.

After carefully navigating our way,

and using our bow to safely
dispatch any enemies,

we move forward.

"Oh, cock."

All other paths were blocked off,

except of course, the ladder.

The lever moves this spiral staircase, and
without it we are quite screwed.

"Oh hang on, hang on. Hello."

[RICHARD] "I heard you were in a bit of a
pickle, yeah?"

[JAMES] "Oh cock."

"Hahahahahaha" "Shut up!"

[RICHARD] So, if I do this, I get points for
helping, right?

[JAMES] "Erm... Sure!"

[RICHARD] Using my superior existence of legs,
I make quick work of the ladder and the ledge.

But it didn't work.

Well, turns out, these fog walls are only
accessible by the host,

which I am not.

It's all over, mate.

[JAMES] Oh, cock.

In my hour of need, Jeremy was, as ever,
right there for me.

[JEREMY] Greetings mate!

[JAMES] Moron!

[JEREMY] However, to our absolute dismay,

the fog wall was also inaccesible by an
invader as well.

We either admit defeat and end
the programme here,

[RICHARD] Well I'm for ending. Goodbye!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[RICHARD] Using Jeremy, I trigger a backstab,
interact with the ladder at the same time,

and roll out.

This should trick the game into thinking
we are still on a ladder.

For example, when we run out of stamina
on a ladder, we fall off, like that.

The trick is to sync up a critical strike
to run out of stamina on the last hit.

[JEREMY] Could you just make that go
a bit further in the back?

[RICHARD] I don't want you to ever say
that to me again.

[JEREMY] Ow [BLEEP] [BLEEP] ow!

[RICHARD] Now for the moment of truth.

Can a phantom turn the lever?

YES! YES! HAHA! Oh, bliss!

Do we have a penis bone?

[JEREMY] Whales have penis bones.
We're getting off topic!

[JAMES] Sucks we had to get help from those
two blithering idiots,

shouldn't need any more though.

The biggest roadblock may be gone,

but there was still the entirety of
Anor Londo to face.

Cock.

Heavy armour isn't ideal. The greatarrows
are still strong enough to stagger.

Ranged wasn't an option either, as even
the longbow didn't have enough range.

So, our best option is mobility.

"No! No no no no! Other way!
Other way you [BLEEP]!"

Thankfully, we can use quitouts to spawn
back on stable ground.

The strategy is quite simple, really.

You just get close enough and hope that
the Silver Knight switches to melee.

After that harrowing experience,

"Oh, cock.

What's this? Cheese?

Cheese.

Ow!"

Still, could be worse.

We can use our mobility and i-frames to
dodge through the attacks.

Against unanimous public opinion,

apparently, I need a new wardrobe.

Oh, hang on, hang on, ow!

We can't flip with heavy armour, but as
long as we can hit medium equip load,

we'll still be able to do a fast
enough backstep attack.

Which brings us to this.

We could use the ring to equip
the stone set, or even Havel's set.

Or alternatively, turn on creative mode
once more,

and buy a full set of upgraded Giant's.