Simple 4 Step Apology to Repair Conflicts and Disconnection

Alright, next let's go over how to

apologize. Alright, let's do it. Research

has actually shown that the way we

repair conflict together makes or breaks

our entire relationship. So let's just

imagine we unintentionally hurt our

partner and they just vulnerably shared

that with us using "I" statements and

actual feelings. Okay? So, not "You make me

so angry because you're so selfish," and

instead, "When this thing happened, I felt

overwhelmed or abandoned." I like the

second one. The first one, not so much.

Yeah. They did their part; now let's do

ours. The way we show someone that we

care when they're hurt is by leaning in

and staying engaged and actually

listening to them. We can hold space for

their pain. That doesn't mean we need to

abandon our boundaries and tolerate

yelling or name-calling. Right? Right.

Let's not forget that the goal in all

this is understanding each other. We

can't apologize until we actually

understand what we're apologizing for.

Right? And we can't understand them if,

instead of asking questions and getting

curious, we're arguing, getting defensive,

or constantly invalidating their

feelings. Right? That makes sense. So once

we understand them, step two is actually

taking accountability for our side of

the street. I'm not saying apologize for

things you didn't do, and I'm not saying

agree with their accusations. Alright.

I'm saying apologize for what you know

you could have done better in that

situation. Keep excuses out of your

apology. Don't justify yourself, and don't

somehow come back around and blame them

for why you did or didn't do something.

That's smart. Step three is we recognize

and validate the impact that our actions

had on them. We should say something

along the lines of, "I can see now how you

felt that way." "That makes sense. It makes

sense why you felt that way." Okay. What's

step four? Step four is expressing

genuine remorse. "I'm sorry. That was wrong.

Here's what I'm going to do next time to

prevent this from happening again. Thank

you for sharing your heart with me. Is

there anything else I can do to help repair this?"