Simple 4 Step Apology to Repair Conflicts and Disconnection

all right next let's go over how to

apologize all right let's do it research

has actually shown that the way we

repair conflict together makes or breaks

our entire relationship so let's just

imagine we unintentionally Hur our

partner and they just vulnerably shared

that with us using eye statements and

actual feelings okay so not you make me

so angry because you're so selfish and

instead when this thing happened I felt

overwhelmed or abandoned I like the

second one the first one not so much

yeah they did their part now let's do

ours the way we show someone that we

care when they're hurt is by leaning in

and staying engaged and actually

listening to them we can hold space for

their pain that doesn't mean we need to

abandon our boundaries and tolerate

yelling or name calling right right

let's not forget that the goal in all

this is understanding each other we

can't apologize until we actually

understand what we're apologizing for

right and we can't understand them if

instead of asking questions and getting

curious we're arguing getting defensive

or constantly invalidating their

feelings right that makes sense so once

we understand them step two is actually

taking accountability for our side of

the street I'm not saying apologize for

things you didn't do and I'm not saying

agree with their accusations all right

I'm saying apologize for what you know

you could have done better in that

situation keep excuses out of your

apology don't justify yourself and don't

somehow come back around and blame them

for why you did or didn't do something

that's smart step three is we recognize

and validate the impact that our actions

had on them we should say something

along the lines of I can see now how you

felt that way that makes sense it makes

sense why you felt that way okay what's

step four step four is expressing

genuine remorse I'm sorry that was wrong

here's what I'm going to do next time to

prevent this from happening again thank

you for sharing your heart with me is

there anything else I can do to help

repair this