Living With Bipolar Disorder | My Life With

[MUSIC PLAYING]

ANDREA GARCIA: If you
don't know my situation,

you might think, oh, hey,
this girl is really fun.

She's really great.

When in reality I'm going down
more of a destructive path.

ALLISTER MCGUIRE: Logic brain is
telling me this will end soon.

You'll get out of this.

It's just a cycle.

And then the emotional
side of my brain

is like nothing's ever
going to be OK again.

You're going to be
stuck like this forever.

This is the rest of your life.

Having bipolar is
like white knuckling

every day of your existence.

The highs can be really
great, and the lows

are always very terrifying.

ANDREA GARCIA: During
a manic episode,

the longest time I've
gone without sleep

was either seven or eight days.

ALLISTER MCGUIRE: A lot of fast
talking and grandiose feelings,

like you're a superhero.

ANDREA GARCIA: When I was in
a very deep depressive state,

I would just spend a lot of time
in bed, not feeling like myself.

ALLISTER MCGUIRE:
It is something

that is just so oppressive
that you literally

can do nothing to shake it.

DENISE: I feel bad there's
nothing I could do.

Helpless as a parent.

ALLISTER MCGUIRE: When
I was first diagnosed,

I wanted to do it
without medication.

It turns out it's
very, very difficult.

ANDREA GARCIA: This is a mood
stabilizer, an antipsychotic

and an antidepressant.

That perfect cocktail
of medications that help

keep me stable.

My name is Andrea, and I
live with bipolar type 1.

ALLISTER MCGUIRE:
My name is Allister,

and I live with bipolar type 2.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Usually I roll over when
the first alarm goes off

to take the pills,
roll back over

and go back to sleep
for a little while.

I try to take them at
the same time every day.

Even if I miss like one
dose, I start getting--

[IMITATES BUZZING]

This is Effexor.

That's the only
bipolar medication

I take during the day except
for anxiety medication.

The first med that I
take at night is Zyprexa.

It's an antipsychotic
and mood stabilizer.

And then this is just a vitamin
D because I'm super vitamin D

deficient.

Bipolar is a mental
illness, and it's

characterized by
mood swings that

can last anywhere from a
week to a couple of months.

If you're bipolar type 1,
you have a lot more highs

and mania than you do
lows and depression.

And if you're bipolar
type 2, you generally

have more depression than mania.

Personally, I have
a rapid cycle.

So I can go from one to
the next really quickly.

It can range from
having all the energy

in the world to the next day
feeling like you can't even

get out of bed to
go to the bathroom.

[BUZZING]

And I don't want to be bothered.

I don't want to hang
out with anybody.

It feels like everything
is closing in around you,

and it's impossible
to break out of it.

I'd say the most
frustrating part for me

about having bipolar, because
it is different for everybody,

has been the medication dance.

It took years of trial and
error to get to a point

where I was even
somewhat stable.

You're trying all
these different meds.

And you really have to
trust your psychiatrist,

and you really have to
trust in the process.

Halfway through, it's very hard
to do that because you're not

feeling better.

But you're taking
all these pills,

and you're paying
all these co-pays,

and it feels like it's
never going to end.

As somebody that's stable,
I know that at any time

one of these meds
could stop working

and I'm going to have to
go through all over again.

ANDREA GARCIA: This is
my planner from 2019.

You can see what I was
handling at the time.

I was taking maybe six
different classes in addition

to being a varsity
student athlete.

I was also involved with
our campus newspaper

and working for a sports
team on top of clubs.

So you can see I
was handling a lot.

One joke I have with my
friends is that there's type A

and then there's type Andrea.

[CHUCKLES]

Planners for me
help keep me stable.

Say if I'm a little more manic,
it gets all my racing thoughts

out.

So just that way I
can start my work day

with a very clear mindset.

Bipolar one is when a person
is most likely to have

a more manic episode.

Manic episodes
manifest differently

for different kinds of people.

For me, they tend to
have a lot more energy.

I tend to be more irritable, and
I would go maybe up to a week

without sleeping.

I tend to feel like I'm
still on top of the world.

But also I was gambling.

I was overdrinking.

I was spending money that I
didn't have left and right.

That's the dangerous
thing about mania,

is that you're engaging in
really dangerous behaviors,

but you don't recognize
them as being dangerous.

When it comes to balancing
the mania and the depression,

there is definitely
this overarching theme

of what comes up must come down.

Often, it can rather be more
of a crash than a smooth fall.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Sophomore year of college
in my spring semester,

I hit a major
depressive episode.

I was on our
school's rowing team.

And one February
winter practice,

we were out on the water
and came across a dead body.

That one occurrence triggered
a series of panic attacks

during workouts and
practices that eventually

led into a very deep
depressive state and a lot

of suicidal thoughts
that eventually landed me

in the psychiatric hospital.

It was, quite
honestly, very scary.

They had taken all
of my belongings,

including things that I could
have used to hurt myself.

The doctor prescribed me an
antidepressant that is obviously

meant to cure depression.

But in cases of
bipolar, it actually

raises the manic symptoms.

It's actually a
very common thing

to have a misdiagnosis
before getting diagnosed

with bipolar disorder.

My mood went from
zero to like 1,000.

And without proper medications,
I was spiraling out of control.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

ALLISTER MCGUIRE: So
I think communication

is one of the most
important parts of recovery.

Gian is one of the closest
people I have in my life,

and he is the owner of
Jakson's Automotive.

He's known that
I've been bipolar

pretty much since the jump.

I'm very open about it.

I don't really hide
it from anybody.

And he was just
like, oh, OK, cool.

So that's just something
that you deal with.

I get excited to come up here
because being around somebody

that I know, well, gets it
and that doesn't judge me.

And I count myself very lucky.

Not a lot of people have
that kind of outlet.

GIAN: I'm going to
bang really loud.

Is that a problem?

SPEAKER 1: No.

[CHUCKLES]

GIAN: OK.

[MECHANICAL NOISE]

Over time, I learned how to
help him in different ways

by just being there
and being a good friend

and asking what the
right thing to do is

and the right situations.

Even when he says
sometimes like, no, I'm OK,

like a couple hours
later it's worth

checking in again and
being like, all right,

you still feeling that?

Are we still good?

And then if it seems
it's tilting in one way,

we got to do something about
it or hang out or do something.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I've dealt with my own
anxiety and depression

in my lifetime, which is nowhere
near the level or magnification

of what he deals with.

But it definitely makes
me a lot softer to it.

It's helpful to
help other people.

You feel better
at the end of it.

So as much as I feel like
crap if I can help him

and then I see he feels better,
I'm like, all right, cool.

ALLISTER MCGUIRE:
And vice versa.

I feel the same way.

When we're both having
a really tough time,

we tend to break stuff, whether
it be breaking hockey pucks

against the wall out there.

We've flipped trucks.

We've cut trucks up.

We've--

[CHUCKLES]

GIAN: Parked trucks
on top of cars.

ALLISTER MCGUIRE:
Parked trucks on top

of cars, that was a fun one.

It always ends in us
being like, hey, man, I'm

not feeling great today.

Let's talk about it.

So it is constructive as
much as it is destructive.

See, some of my
manic episodes are

great because I'll
buy hockey tickets

and then he's just
like, all right, cool.

Let's go.

[CHUCKLES]

GIAN: Yeah, it's
not the worst thing.

[CHUCKLES]

ANDREA GARCIA: I love to run.

Running has been this
huge release for whenever

I'm depressive or manic.

So when I'm depressed, I
can feel those endorphins

immediately improving my mood.

But when I'm manic, it helps me
release all this extra energy

that I would otherwise
just be sitting with.

Running is just peaceful.

It's possibly the most
peaceful part of my day.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Currently, I train with a track
club based out of Brooklyn.

I've spent my entire life
being an athlete of some sort.

So when I finished
college, I missed

having that sense of community.

I love the way sports can
bring people together.

My dad and I will talk a lot
about baseball and basketball.

Growing up, he
was always the one

to bring me to different
sporting events.

Nothing feels better than when
I can just sit back and watch

a game and just relax.

DENISE: You want to pick one?

ALLISTER MCGUIRE: I want to
try that vanilla mocha chunk.

DENISE: OK.

Cheers.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, usually you come
here, and we cook dinner.

We like to cook together.

ALLISTER MCGUIRE: We do cook.

Well, we'll watch
the hockey games.

DENISE: Especially the Rangers.

ALLISTER MCGUIRE: Ever
present throughout my life.

[CHUCKLES]

DENISE: He was a good kid.

Good thing.

Because then I wouldn't have
had it anymore if he wasn't.

But he spoiled me.

But he was a very good kid.

I had him when I was very young,
so it's always been me and him.

The firstborn, I guess.

It's always special.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

ALLISTER MCGUIRE: The first sign
of really bad mental illness

was when my father passed away.

It was very sudden.

It was a car accident.

It just happened when I was 13.

And that's when I started
getting really depressed

for the first time.

I think I was 16.

I was having heart palpitations.

You'd take me to the
hospital that night.

DENISE: Yeah.

ALLISTER MCGUIRE: That
was like the first time

I ever had a panic attack.

DENISE: I didn't know about
anxieties and this and that.

Like he had to tell me.

I didn't see it.

ALLISTER MCGUIRE:
Especially growing up

with parents that were born
during the depression years,

it was shut up and
get through it.

Like Grandma Jean, shut
up and get through it.

DENISE: They didn't
talk about nothing.

ALLISTER MCGUIRE: No,
everything was just

put on pull on your bootstraps
and you go through it

and that's the end of it.

DENISE: Exactly.

ALLISTER MCGUIRE: There's
obvious signs of depression

or anxiety throughout
the family,

but nobody ever talked about it.

I'm the first person
that's stood up and said,

this is what's going on, guys.

ANDREA GARCIA: As far as
mental health stigmas go,

I think we're in a better place
than we were a decade ago.

There's still a
lot of room to grow

in terms of how people
see mental illness.

They might think of the crazy
person locked up in an asylum.

But in reality, it's a very
real and very common experience.

ALLISTER MCGUIRE: If mental
health was taken a little bit

more seriously in
this country, or if we

had maybe a Medicare
for all type deal,

it might be a lot easier
for people to get help.

And then you wouldn't
have so many people

living on the
streets because they

can't afford their medication.

ANDREA GARCIA: The worst
case is they end up

living with a mental
illness, and they

don't have the money,
or the education,

or even the support system they
need in their mental health

journey.

Would you choose
to live without it?

ALLISTER MCGUIRE:
That's a good question.

Honestly, I don't think I would
change having bipolar disorder.

ANDREA GARCIA: It's hard to say.

I would pick to
live with an illness

over not living with an illness.

But retrospectively, it's
part of what makes me me.

And it's something that
I identify with now.

ALLISTER MCGUIRE: While it's
terrifying to even think

that tomorrow maybe my
antipsychotic stops working

and I need to go on
another med merry go round,

at the same time,
I don't think I

would give that up because it's
an integral part of who I am.

And I don't think I
would want to be anybody

different at this point.

[MUSIC PLAYING]