Funny pre-flight announcement

[Male pre-flight annonuncement in progress] & [passengers' laughter]

We do have seatbelts that are not as dangerous as they look

just...[indistinct fast speech]...and to release just lift off the buckle

They should be one like yellow fat blowed and tied across the hip

and at anytime you are seated.

If you don't like our service, the flight gets too long, we have six emergency exits.

Two forward exit doors, two over-wing window exits and two rear exit doors.

Signs over head and lights on the floor lead to those exists.

In your seat-back pocket, this beautiful illustrated multi-colored safety information card.

You may notice in that card that in case of a water evacuation,

we have hidden under each and every seat of this plane a beatiful yellow life vest.

Please only remove that vest when told to do so.

To remove it pull down on the red tab on the container under your seat.

Open the container, take out the pouch, take out the vest, put it over your head...

Already you look beautiful and fashionable.

However, to extend around your waist, wrap that black strap around and buckle it in front.

Once outside the aircraft, inflate the vest by blowing into the tube at your shoulder

or pulling down at the tab in front.

Andrea and Barbara are coming to the cabin now to check that your seatbelts are fastened,

your shoes match your outfit, your seat backs and tray tables are raised to their

most uncomfortable full upright lock postion.

All your carry-on items are stuffed, crammed, shoved, pushed, shmused, SMUSHED

all the way under the seat in front of you leaving the area around your feet clear.

This is again a non-whining, non-complaining, non-smoking flight.

Smoking is never permitted on-board an aircraft, and all law prohibits

tampering with/disabling or destroying any aircraft lavatory smoke detector.

Federal aviation regulations require passenger compliance with light and path information signs

[indistinct speech] and crew members' instructions regarding seat-belts and smoking.

Although we never anticipate a change in cabin pressure, should one occur,

four beautiful, golden I-can't-believe-it's-not-butter-cup-look-alike designer oxygen masks

will magically appear from secret hidden compartments above your head.

When that happens, immediately stop screaming, let go off your neighbor,

Pull down on one of those masks until the plastic tubing is fully extended.

Insert a quarter for every minute of oxygen.

Although the bag of your mask may not inflate, your neighbor's will. Both of you will be receiving oxygen.

You may secure the mask with the elastic strap.

If you're traveling with anyone needing special assistance - a child, untrained husband, anyone not

paying attention to us right now, make sure to secure your own mask first.

That's it for the Do's and Don'ts.

Sit back, relax, or lean forward all twisted up, the choice is really yours.

We're gonna be a little bit fast but we're scheduled for

a leisurely 3 hours and 50 minutes all the way gate to gate from here to Chicago Midway.

Welcome aboard!