I HATE MY BRAIN

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Finally! Hello, lovelies!

I am bloody back. We're breaking
the seal

stopping the stressy, stressy cycle,

recording a video.

I- I- I- I'm stressed, [laughing]

I'm frustrated with myself, but

before all that, hello!

I have had a busy, busy month or
so.

Basically,
since my birthday things have

just been like, all, go- go- go- go-
go-

I left you guys, I think I put up a
video

like a few days after my birthday,

but the last video I recorded was
the one on my birthday,

the goblin glow up. And as I said in
that, I

was going out for my birthday that night

which was super fun, by the way.

I do have a little highlights reel on my

Instagram of like all the birthday stuff

if you want to see that

'cause I didn't vlog cause I was just

enjoying my birthday, but

there is plenty of little snippets on
there

So, that was very fun and then I had

to go straight from the club to the
airport

looking like that. I arrived in I think

Gatwick? At like- I think my flight was at

like, 6 or something. So, I arrived in

Gatwick at like maybe 8

the next morning and it was so funny

because there were like all
these families

who were like so clearly dressed

llike they were about to go on

their like little like family vacation

to like Spain or fucking-

I don't know, wherever families go on

holidays.

You know, just like very in like

holiday clothes.

And then there's me, trudging through

the airport dressed like fucking doom

hooker. Great fun.

So, ya. I don't know what time I

eventually got to my friends place,

but got there, he went to work, I went

to sleep in his bed cause I was very tired

Got a few hours of sleep and I woke up

got ready for Slimelight and then

Went out for a birthday dinner

went out to Slimelight and had a very

very good time.

And then, I was only home I think

for a week or two, but I then end
up going

to Sweden! And in the spirit of the last

year or so of doing all of the things

that I have wanted to do that I have not

been able to do my entire adult
life so far,

I went to my very first festival,

I had never been to a festival

before can you believe it. I went to my

first one and it was Subkult in Sweden,

and it was so, so fun,

I really really enjoyed it. I really

want to go again. Everyone was so so

lovely. And, ya- the only thing that I

need to change next time if I do go again

is to bring warmer clothes.

Because during the day it was hot

like it was so so hot, but at night it got

freezing! And like, that was my issue

and I wasn't necessarily getting

like sleepy, but I wasn't staying up as

late as I wanted to because whenever I get

really cold, my body just like shuts down

So, I was like, I just need to be in the

tent so I can wrap up and be warm.

So, I had like hella fomo at night

So next time, warmer clothes for night.

But ya, like seriously I would be like

lying in the tent like shivering all night

And in the morning it would go from that

to like "Oh my god I'm in an oven!"

In a matter of like seconds

I was like "What happened?"

But, ah, it was so so fun, really enjoyed

it. We went like swimming in the lake

every morning

And ya, it was just very good.

And then I think I was only home for 3

days after Sweden and then my friend

came over to stay with me for a week

And then she left, three days ago?

A couple of days ago there.

And then I'm going to London in two days.
[laughing]

Oh, it's just- it's been a lot!

It has been a lot, a lot, a lot.

There's a man looking at me, why is
your car pointed at me,

Sir, please go away.

Ya! Busy, busy, busy, busy.

So, ya- things haha

This is where things get frustrating.

Things in theory at the minute are great

Things in theory are so, so good.

I am technically like the happiest I've

ever been. I'm having a great time.

And yet, I- it's a very weird feeling

suffering from, I guess depression when

you're not sad.

Like, I'm not sad at the minute

I am pretty damn happy.

But, whenever, I don't have all these like

busy things going on, and I'm like

in the house alone, I am just so

fucking tired at the minute

I just cannot get out of bed like

I spent most of last night crying

because I've been trying to get like

someone the whatever to
do this video

for days!

And before that like before my friend was

over I was like trying to do it.

And I just, I-

I just have not been able to like

I literally have not been able to get out

of bed!

And it's like it's also not knowing how

much is depression and how much is ADHD

and how much is both, and

how much is just me sucking as a person.

Also, I learned today that there is a name

for depression without sadness.

I have forgotten the name. I was about to

look it up, but I am recording
this on my phone.

I think it's like non-disphoric sadness

or something?

Or no. Non-disphoric depression.

Something along those lines.

Anyway, not the point.

Ya, I was just like crying all night because

I went to do this video

and I was like, get up and do this video!

And then I still could not get up
and do the video.

And it's like it's so frustrating because

people with healthy brains or at least

brains that don't have these specific issues

will not get it and will just think you're lazy.

And there's nothing more annoying than being

perpetually burnt out and exhausted

because you're so so tired but if you tell

people you're tired they're like

"Why the fuck you tired?"

Because it looks like you've been doing nothing.

Like I haven't done a video in ages

so I have no right to be burnt out

But the problem is even though I'm not

doing videos, I am not relaxing

I am not like chilling

There is no time when I am just like

doing nothing and having a good time

doing nothing because even though I was

doing nothing, I'm stressing and trying

to get myself to do stuff like this

and- and- and- you just get

I know I've mentioned this in videos before

but it's such a weird feeling

There's a difference between that and

Laziness, Laziness- loud
laziness is just like, you know,

like you're meant

to be doing something one

day and you're like,

Ugh- you know what? I can't be bothered

today. I'll do it another day.

That's like maybe laziness

There's a big difference between that and

just lying like paralyzed being like

get up and do it, get up and do it

get up and do it, get up and do it

And yet you're still not getting up

and doing it

and now you're like screaming at yourself

to get up and do it and you're still not

getting up and doing it

and then you hate yourself and you're still

not doing it

It's- it's a big difference and people

who don't have issues with executive

dysfunction just do not get that.

And then, so they just think

you're a lazy cunt.

Like even whenever I posted on my Instagram

Like sorry, I'm trying to get videos

out soon, you know, I've just been like

just really burnt out I got like a couple

of messages- felt a little bit snarky.

Things like, "Oh, again?"

And I'm like, yup, it's an ongoing problem

It is probably a problem I'm gonna have

until I die I'm afraid, so

Don't know what to tell you, umm

It's not going away. So, yes

I'm in a very strange place where I am

having a very good time doing all the

things I've wished I could do my whole

life and wasn't able to do and that

I'm finally free and enjoying the world.

Having a great time. Meeting amazing people

Like I've got like- I've made really close

friends with like some really awesome

people recently and just-

I've just so been enjoying life,

but I'm also so full of self-loathing and

just really wish that I could fix this

area of my life more because it is the

area that continues to struggle

when it is arguably the most important

area of life and- I'm going to have a

heart attack. It was the best of times,

it was the worst of times. But,

I- Im fucking trying

Point generally being life is pretty good

at the minute. I love the people in

my life, I love the things that I've been

doing, but- I am super stressed and

executive dysfunction and AD and

depression all suck

I need to get on top of work especially

because bills keep going up.

Everything just keeps getting more

expensive and I am fucking stressed.

So, ya- that's pretty much the gist of it

If anyone's wondering, I'm not currently

medicated for anything. Um-

I used to be- I've been on medication for

both. I used to be- like years ago

I was put on antidepressants and that

didn't go well. They did not help

but what they did do was make me gain a

whole lot of weight in a really short

space of time.

And then the whole internet bullied me

for it.

No, I gained it like- it was bad.

For everyone who hasn't been around for

a while, every other comment on my videos

was like "wow, she got really fat"

Which like is mad because I wasn't

actually even that big. I was a lot bigger

than I was to begin with because I used to

be like skinny, skinny. I used to be like

a little fucking twiggy person.

So I was much much bigger than I had been

previously, but in terms of the average

body size, I really wasn't that big.

And yet everyone was like

"Oh my god, she got so fat. Oh my god like

What happened? She got really fat"

like all these comments

There was a whole tumblr dedica-

trigger warning here

a whole Tumblr dedicated to like

going through like my, at the time, boyfriend's

vlogs and finding any bit of video where I

was like eating or drinking anything

or anything where I had like a bit of a

double chin. From like, you know, if I'm

talking, you know, like it happens.

[laughing]

It happens when you- um, ya

whoever ran this Tumblr would go through

his videos, find any things like that

especially anytime I was like eating food

that was like deemed unhealthy

or anything, and they would just take

screenshots of it and this whole Tumblr

was just that. So, that. was um-

super, fucking fun. So ya, I am a little

bit afraid of antidepressants after

that experience.

I got prescribed different ones like about

a year ago, but I never took them

because I was too afraid. Plus like I

asked like, a bunch of people and

everyone who tried them had like different

opinions. I feel like most people had bad

experiences. But even the people who had

good experiences were like

"Oh my god, ya, like this really helped me

I'm doing a lot better. I no longer want

to throw children in front of trains"

But like, even the people who said the

good things were like, "I can't come-

though". [laughing] And I'm like- Jesus

Like I don't wanna take a pill that may

or may not work, but could also make me

gain a lot of weight and lose the ability

to do that. Like- if I'm already depressed

I feel like those two things won't help.

So, ya, I'm a bit afraid of those.

Terms of medication-

dude- why are you? Why don't people

know how to park here?

In terms of medication for ADHD,

I tried a few different ones when I first

got diagnosed and they would like help

a little bit, but not as much as I hoped.

Like you know you here so many stories of

people with ADHD who started medication

and like their whole life fucking changed

and I was like really- like I so was

holding out hope for that because things

were really bad. And I just- so hoped that

would be the case for me and it wasn't.

They'd help like a little bit and I tried

a few of them and realistically I needed

to sort of keep trying things

and trying different dosages.

But at that point, life was just like so

fucking awful and chaotic

and like miserable and like ther were

so many factors in like my home life

that were just making things like

fucking horrendous that I came to the

conclusion that no medication was going to

be able to sort me out under those

circumstances. There was no miracle pill

becuase without my environment changing

it was just- ya, so- does that make sense?

So, I'd stopped trying for a while.

And then by the time I was ready to start

trying it again, it'd been bloody ages.

And I was seeing a private psychiatrist

because the NHS waiting list to see

anyone about ADHD are like 5 years

Which is insane- so, I ended up going

private and it was already like super

fucking expensive whenever I went.

That was in 2020 I think I got diagnosed

And it was like, I think 360 pounds a

session or something.

Which is an insane amount of money

like, I wouldn't be able to drop that on

a session right now.

Like, I was in a position where I was able

to afford I think two sessions back then.

And that was enough to get diagnosed

and get started on medication thankfully.

but like, I wouldn't be able to drop

360 pounds right now

Not a hope in hell, I could spend that on

like a fucking like- not even an hour

appointment. And even if I could,

I actually phoned them recently because

I know someone else who is trying to get

diagnosed and they are having the same

issue of NHS waiting lists.

So, I phoned them up just to double check

the process. Their prices have gone up

to 840 fucking pounds! for one session.

840 pounds for someone to speak to you and

go, "Yep, sure sounds like you have ADHD"

And right a little fucking letter to your

like, are you kidding me?

So, ya, that's not happening, so-

and my doctor won't like, your GP can't

prescribe ADHD meds without like

a letter from the psychiatrist or whatever

telling them to be prescribed. And I'm not

seeing that psychiatrist anymore

and if I want to see an NHS one

it's a very long waiting list. And also,

you have to jump through a lot of hoops.

Like, a lot of phone calls and remembering

to do things- remembering to do this and that.

Which is ironic because if you have bad

ADHD, you're not good at remembering to

do those things. So, trying to get seen by

anyone is an absolute fucking nightmare.

So, I would love to try to get back on

medication for my ADHD again and try to

get that sorted, but it's just not fucking

happening right now, unfortunately.

So, that's super annoying. So- ya,

if anyone's wondering- like- not that I

really owe anyone like an explanation

of my- my like medical stuff, but I know

people are going to ask commen-

or ask questions. I know, there always be

will always be some snarky people

who just don't get it and it's like

"Oh why weren't you doing-"

It's like- life isn't that easy sometimes.

Why are people looking at me

I don't give a fuck

But ya, so I am currently unmedicated

out here just rawdogging life

Rawdogging my mental illnesses

It's tough guys.

We push on, or we die

So, pushing on it is

Ya, just I am, forever sorry for

ending up in these states where

I'm super burnt out and disappear for a while.

And I know it probably gets tiring hearing

me apologize for it over and over again

but as i said this is unfortunately

something that is probably going to

continue happening until I am dead.

So, anywho, ya, I'm hoping-

Ya, I'm hoping that doing this video will

kind of like break the seal a little bit

I think sometimes when I finally do

manage to get something out it helps

because it like resets the stress clock

Like (exhale) okay, I've got a video up

so it like, ya know, is back to like zero

days since last video was posted.

So, it gives me a bit of breathing room

So, sometimes that can help like break

the cycle, not always, but sometimes

it helps break the stressy cycle.

Where I'm like stressed and not doing vid-

and not doing videos cause I'm stressed

So, hopefully I can get on top of it.

If my brain will cooperate I would like

to get a couple of videos recorded tomorrow

and then maybe just take my laptop with me

to London and try to do some editing while

I'm there cause I'm going to be in London

for a little while this time around.

Cause there's a couple of different events

I'm going to. Also, just again- I'm just

I feel like I almost need to defend myself

before anyone's even said anything

because I'm kind of like pre-emptively

thinking of like, what are people going

to judge me for today?

For anyone who's like, "How are you

affording to go to London all the time?"

My flights are covered and

I stay with friends.

So, it's really just like food and travel.

but whenever I'm in London

that also means I'm not paying for gas or

electric, or petrol. So it ends up not

really being that much more expensive.

I don't know. I'm in a very panicky

place right now. I'm in like-

I feel like my defenses are low, ya know?

I- I- I- am stressy. I am dealing with

executive dysfunction. I am dealing with

the rejection sensitive dysphoria.

I am just a little bit, little bit more,

highly strung than usual

Also, I'm on my period so that doesn't help

Emotions are running high guys.

I hope you enjoy these videos of me

just having a casual break

down in my car

Also, my skin has gotten really bad again.

Not as bad as it used to be.

I don't know if any one remembers

I used to have like really bad acne.

It's not that bad anymore but I am having

like a breakout right now.

Sucks so I need to try to deal with that

I miss Sweden. Every like- every shop

in Sweden had these like chocolate covered

like fruit and nut like scoopy stands

and I was obsessed.

Sun is going down.

I wanna get back, I want to edit this

I want to record some videos tomorrow

if I can. I wanted to stream,

I don't know if I'll have time to stream

before I go to London now.

I wanted to do it a day or two ago,

but then there was like

all sorts of issues with my PC

and with the game and with everything

needing updates and fixed

So, I didn't get to do it when I wanted

to but I think- I think I've got

everything working now

I had like- I had like a whole issue

where like, the audio wasn't working

properly and I had my per friend Lee

like on- like a Discord call the other

night like doing screen sharing like-

and he was trying to help me figure out

what's wrong; we were there for ages

And he's like click this, click that

Oh my god why's it still not working

And I was like I'm sorry

But we figured it out eventually

So, technology is fun. Um- but, yes

streams are coming back

game videos are coming back I am trying

and, Ooh! I got new ear piercings!

I got another lobe and a conch which I am

very pleased with because I am a little

wimp and I didn't think that I would be

brave enough to do that.

I actually went in to get two lobe ones originally

but I keep seeing really cute conch jewelry

like the ones with the little chains.

So, I was there and I was like,

last minute, like oh my god,

am I brave enough an I decided to do it

and it was very scary.

But now I have it and whenever it's healed

I can put something cute in it.

It actually hasn't been that bad

But I have like really, like thick bony

conches, like I thought-

Cause like that's why I've been so afraid

to get it done, cause like for me

that's like- that feels like bone.

I thought everyone's ear was like that

but then I felt my friends and I was like

wait, your's is not like nearly as hard

as mine and even my piercer was like

Oh, ya, you are very rigid.

And I was like- so, ya like-

I don't know if it's j- it's definitely not

everyone cause my friends felt a lot softer

but like that part of the ear for me

literally feels like fucking bone.

It is so like dense and like,

it just doesn't move.

So, ya it was- it was very scary,

but I did it. And ya,

since getting it done it actually hasn't

been too much of an issue honestly.

Like the lobe one is more annoying than

the conch is cause like

you kind of sleep on your lobe more

but the conch is so like, nicely

tucked away, that it hasn't really been

an issue. So, pleased with that.

I can't wait to put something cute in it

when it's healed

Okay, I think I rambled quite enough

All the usuals: if you could check out my

patreon, I would love you forever and ever

Your support means the absolute world to me

and I hope I can sort my shit out a little

better here and make you guys proud.

It just- it's summer. There's so much

going on and there's very little down time

between things going on.

That it's just

I am just tired- so, very tired.

I do actually kind of wanna go to the doctor

I've been like, kind of too tired recently

I've been really just exhausted out of

nowhere and my appetite is all out of

whack and stuff.

So, I don't really know what's going on.

So, i kind of want to go to the doctor

but trying to get a doctors appointment

at the minute is like a whole

it's a whole thing- uh

for the third time let me try and say

patreon- if you could check out my patreon

I would really appreciate that.

I would really appreciate your support

and it's the best way to support me and

this channel.

Sebastian plush coming soon.

I'm going to finalize a date for that.

I- It's Sebastian's adoption day at the

end of August. And I think it would

maybe be cute to have-

have the launch date around his adoption

day cause that's like his like birthday

essentially because I don't know when his

birthday is cause he's a rescue cat

So, I will start getting that in the works

as well. So- ya- a little- very exciting

Yes, fun things coming soon

I will be showing my patreon people the

Sebastian plush before anyone else

So, keep an eye out for that if you're

on my Patreon

And if you're not on my Patreon

you can all sign up, link is down below

Leave me a little comment, tell me how

you're doing. I'll see you in the next

video which better be soon.

becuase I have a bunch of stuff that

I need to do. I'm still so excited to

do my whole- all my Tommy Vella's

accessories cause I've been wearing them

non-stop since I've got them.

I just need to sit down and do the fucking

video so. And I've got another spooky box

coming up. I've got a bunch of different

things. I might- big emphasis on might-

have a blog from Sweden and the festival

I need to go through all the footage and see

I was really bad at recording, I did very-

cause it was like a new environment and

with like a lot of people

and that sometimes makes me a little bit

like stressy- even when I'm fun it's like

very stressy

and whenever I'm vlogging I just feel

like very on display, but my friend was

an absolute sweetheart and pretty much

vlogged most of it for me.

So, it's good to have friends who will

just shove the camera on you

and be like do your job!

So, ya- whenever I am anxious

that is very much appreciated.

So, I will see if there is enough footage

there to put something together with

if not I'm sorry, but I will- I'll

I'll see what I've got. i still have to

like finish editing my Vegas vlog as well.

Why- Why am I like this?

okay, right, I keep trying to say bye

for like the past five minutes so,

Goodbye, and I will see you next time

Bye lovelies!