Josh Blue: 2006 Winner of NBC's Last Comic Standing, Paralympic Soccer Player

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

RON WHITE: We got a great
show for you tonight.

I got all my friends here.

We're going to laugh and we're
going to raise some cash.

You ready to get started?

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

I saw our first comic
perform in Denver recently.

He killed me, so I immediately
asked him to be on my show.

He's not only a grand champion
of Last Comic Standing,

he's also living proof
that you should never

let a disability stop you
from making bad facial hair

decisions.

[LAUGHTER]

Please welcome Josh Blue.

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

JOSH BLUE: Thank you.

Well, thanks.

Thanks, Ron, and
thanks to the troops.

I got to say, I've always had so
much respect for the military.

I've always wanted to
join, but unfortunately,

I don't think they have a
"special" Special Forces.

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah, if you see me in
camo, we have surrendered.

[LAUGHTER]

I'm here to defuse the bomb!

[LAUGHTER]

So I want to tell you folks,
I'm a very happily married man.

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

Oh, listen to all those happy
ladies that I'm off the market,

like, woo!

Some poor woman took
the bullet for us.

[LAUGHTER]

Another creepy guy I don't
have to fight off in the bar.

[LAUGHTER]

I still go.

[LAUGHTER]

Don't tell my wife!

She's amazing.

She's Japanese.

So-- [CHEERS] that, yeah.

Oh, you've heard of it?

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah, we're a pretty visual--

well, we're an eyeful, really.

Yeah, let's just say we
check a lot of boxes.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

English is my wife's
second language,

and that has come in handy.

[LAUGHTER]

I mean, we have come a long way
in understanding each other.

Yeah, she talkin' real good now.

[LAUGHTER]

My wife is a nurse, so we
have very different jobs.

[CHEERS] Yeah, give it up
for nurses, they're badass.

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

My wife works in
the ICU, so, I don't

like to ask her how her
day went during dinner.

[LAUGHTER]

Or any time, really, huh?

[LAUGHTER]

I thought having a
nurse in the house

would make me feel more safe.

Uh-uh.

I've yet to be able to injure
myself bad enough for nurse Yuko

to give a [BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

I've found that if my wife and
I ever go anywhere together,

and she's wearing her scrubs,
people will come up to her like,

you're a saint for
taking him out.

[LAUGHTER]

Like, I like banana bread!

[GARBLED SPEECH]

Blah.

[LAUGHTER]

I don't know what
you're supposed to do.

That's what I do.

[LAUGHTER]

I know she loves me, too,
because she goes along with it.

She's like, you want
to see him do a trick?

[LAUGHTER]

Feed him a banana bread.

[LAUGHTER]

She know I hungry.

[LAUGHTER]

I've been over to Japan three
times to visit my wife's family.

Have any of you ever
visited my wife's family?

[LAUGHTER]

I don't fit in well.

[LAUGHTER]

Japanese is a hard language.

Like, I feel really dumb over
there, like, to the point of,

do you think it's too late
for me to tell my wife

that I don't know what
her dad's name is?

[LAUGHTER]

I feel terrible about it.

I do.

I feel terrible.

It's not like I
don't want to know,

I just haven't been
able to figure it out.

I was so desperate
to figure out what

his name was, last
time I was there,

I actually stole his mail.

[LAUGHTER]

That didn't help at all.

[LAUGHTER]

I think I have narrowed
it down, though.

I'm pretty sure his name is
written line, stick, box.

[LAUGHTER]

Line-Stick-Box.

[LAUGHTER]

Anybody know how
to pronounce that?

[LAUGHTER]

You'd be doing me a solid!

[LAUGHTER]

Line-Stick-Box, I'll
probably find out that means,

like, Current Resident.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

Oh, good morning,
Current Resident.

[LAUGHTER]

Another major problem
I have in Japan

is mealtime, because a lot of
times you eat your meals sitting

on the floor at a low table.

And I think that's a very
beautiful cultural experience

for most.

[LAUGHTER]

But the thing you
need to know is

that people with cerebral
palsy, we don't fold up well.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

It's like trying to do
origami with plywood.

[LAUGHTER]

The problem is, the
table is too low for me

to put my legs
underneath it, so I

have to go like lengthwise with
the table, taking up five seats,

just lounging in the restaurant.

Her whole family is on the
other side of the table.

I'm just kicking it over here.

[LAUGHTER]

Like I own the mother [BLEEP].

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

Then the next big problem I have
is, a lot of times restaurants

don't carry silverware.

I don't do chopsticks.

[LAUGHTER]

So now, because I
don't do chopsticks,

not only am I the only
person lounging around,

but now I'm also the
only person eating

like this, like, oh, yeah.

[LAUGHTER]

Mm.

This is good soup.

[LAUGHTER]

Mm.

[WHISTLE]

That broth is hot.

[LAUGHTER]

[BLOWS]

By the way, thanks for taking us
out to dinner, Line-Stick-Box.

[LAUGHTER]

Gonna take real good care
of your daughter, yeah.

Hey, thank you and thanks
to the troops, huh?

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]