www.youtube.com/.../watch?v=jNmGetSmhsg

Good afternoon, friends, faculty, students, spy balloons.

It's an honor to be speaking in front of you today here at one of the world's most prestigious institutions, Harvard.

Or as Chairman Xi's daughter calls it, the Paddy's School.

My journey to Harvard began, like many of yours, with a dream and a VPN.

Without it, I wouldn't have been able to access JSTOR for my research papers,

ChatGPT for my application, or Pornhub for my masturbation.

In 2022, I remember walking into my dorm room and meeting my Canadian roommate for the very first time.

She asked me about Tiananmen Square.

I smirked, prompting her to ask,

How could you laugh at something so appalling?

What are you, a sociopathic maniac that doesn't actually give a shit about the masses

so long as you can step on their bruised shoulders to enjoy a life of freedom and luxury overseas?

I told her,

Yes, but that's not important.

You see, in China, we have a saying.

It doesn't matter if a cat is black or white,

so long as it builds high-speed railroads and skyscrapers.

She said,

What?

I explained, the phone you're using, the app you're swiping, the tampon you're soaking,

they were all made in China.

And really, that's what Harvard has taught me about globalization.

Political differences.

Political differences should never interfere with the fundamental human right to buy more crap.

Still, though,

every time a fish dies in a military exercise around Taiwan,

a part of me dies, too.

Every time a Filipino's fishing ship gets sprayed with water,

I get soaked, too.

Every time a fat American without health insurance dies of COVID,

I say, stop the China hate, you racist asshole,

because the person you label as an enemy, well, they're a person, too.

Unless they're Taiwanese, Hong Kongese, Uyghurs, counter-revolutionaries, Japanese, or fat Americans.

But aside from those above-mentioned groups,

we're all in this together.

Bound tightly, like Xinjiang cotton binds the shirt in your washing machine.

You know, the washing machine stuck in ghost mode?

What does that mean, exactly?

I'm not sure.

But what I do know is that my teachers will still fake laugh at it,

as if they understand what I'm saying.

Because they know what's at risk when you don't play nice with China.

Memory foam pillows.

Portable doggy water bottles.

Full-paid tuition.

New York Yankee pajama pants.

You want to risk all of that in the name of what?

Transparency?

That's not going to slow down the AI battle,

and it's certainly not going to prevent another pandemic from happening,

because, let's face it, how many of you give a shit anymore?

Exactly.

So,

spend those extra 20 minutes on the toilet scrolling through TikTok.

Order another onesie off of Xi'in.

Enjoy life now, because,

as Uncle Xi says in his best-selling novel,

The Governance of China,

now available on audiobook,

if the CCP's going down,

we're taking mankind with us, bitches.

Congrats, Class of 2025.

Like, comment, and don't ask about June 4th, 1989.

Thanks.

We'll see you next time.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.