Getting the last word with apology | Jennifer Thomas | TEDxGreensboro
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Not SyncedTen years ago, my husband and I
had an argument. -
Not SyncedThat is never fun.
-
Not SyncedBeing at fault, I said "sorry"
-
Not SyncedI noticed JT was unusually quiet during dinner.
-
Not SyncedThere was tension in the air
and a knot in my stomach. -
Not SyncedWhat my apology had lacked in elegance,
I thought it made up in simplicity. -
Not SyncedApparently, not.
-
Not SyncedRecognizing that my apology
had failed miserably, -
Not SyncedI did what any well trained
expert communicator would do. -
Not SyncedI went inside and asked myself a question:
-
Not Synced"What's the matter with him?"
-
Not Synced(Laughter)
-
Not SyncedActually, I asked him: What's the matter?"
-
Not SyncedHe said: "I just wish you'd apologize."
-
Not SyncedI wanted to say:
"Whatcha talking about Willis?" -
Not SyncedBut I said something like:
"I said I was sorry." -
Not SyncedAnd then I got curious.
"JT, what was I supposed to say?" -
Not SyncedThat's when I heard it.
-
Not Synced"Honestly, Jen, I wanted you
to say you were wrong." -
Not SyncedWow.
-
Not SyncedLooking back, I realized
-
Not Syncedthat instead of making me guess,
he had given me a gift. -
Not SyncedWhat happened next?
-
Not SyncedI said, "That's what I've meant to say.
I made a mistake and I was wrong." -
Not SyncedSoon the tension between us
lifted like a fog rolling out to sea. -
Not SyncedWe went on to have a happy evening
and I had my usually easygoing husband back. -
Not SyncedThis exprience between us
-
Not Syncedwas directly related to my work
as a clynical psychologist -
Not Syncedand it sparked my research
on apologies and forgiveness. -
Not SyncedI realized JT is not alone.
-
Not SyncedWe all have scripts that come from our childhood for apologies
-
Not Syncedbut the trouble is,
-
Not Syncedwe have a glaring lack of awareness
about effective apologies. -
Not SyncedIn my work as a business consultant,
I've seen my share of apologies. -
Not SyncedIt's so easy to feel overlooked,
undervalued, and ignored. -
Not SyncedI know the real cause of trouble
in our offices today, -
Not Syncedit's that we work with people,
who don't know how right we are. -
Not Synced(Laughter)
-
Not SyncedEverytime we get offended,
-
Not Syncedit creates an emotional block
between us and them. -
Not SyncedThe next time it happens, another block,
till we have a big wall -
Not Syncedand it's very hard
-
Not Syncedto talk through a wall or around a wall,
-
Not Syncedand it doesn't go away
just with the passing of time. -
Not SyncedApologies require vulnerability
and it feels too risky to some people. -
Not SyncedTED speaker and researcher,
Brene Brown, insists: -
Not Synced"Vulnerability does not mean weakness."
-
Not SyncedIf I could talk
to that person in your office, -
Not Syncedwho hasn't given a decent apology
since the Bush administration, -
Not Syncedthat's 41 not 43, here's what I would say:
-
Not Synced"You are crushing your credibility
and trashing your trust. -
Not SyncedThis is stunting your career growth
-
Not Syncedand causing untold frustration
for the rest of us." -
Not SyncedWhat we really need
are baby steps for apologies. -
Not SyncedMy passion is to help people know what to say, whenever sorry isn't enough.
-
Not SyncedTo that end we had amassed
-
Not Syncedwhat may be the world's largest data set
on apology preferences, -
Not Syncedand we're just beginning.
-
Not SyncedThe impact of our findings
on relationships at home and at work -
Not Syncedcould be truly transformative.
-
Not SyncedWho do I mean when I say we?
-
Not SyncedI realized that JT and I
were speaking different languages, -
Not Syncedand I thought
-
Not Syncedthere might be a lot of people
in the same boat. -
Not SyncedI reached out to Gary Chapman,
-
Not SyncedNew York Times
bestselling author of the book -
Not SyncedThe Five Love Languages.
-
Not SyncedHe was kind enough to sit down with me
-
Not Syncedand we began with revealing
his five love languages. -
Not SyncedThose are: words of affirmation,
quality time, receiving gifts, -
Not Syncedacts of service, and physical touch.
-
Not SyncedWhat he says is if you really want someone
to feel loved and appreciated -
Not Syncedyou shouldn't speak your own love language
but you should speak theirs. -
Not SyncedOtherwise you're just gonna
be wasting your effort. -
Not SyncedWhen we sat down and talked,
-
Not SyncedI shared with him
what I've shared with you here, -
Not Syncedand I added, "when it comes to apologies
the key word is sincerity." -
Not SyncedWe wanna know,
-
Not Synced"did they really mean this
-
Not Syncedor are they just trying
to get this behind us?" -
Not SyncedI told him that I was struck by the similarity
-
Not Syncedbetween this need to match our apologies
with what they expect, -
Not Syncedand the need to match our love languages
with what they expect. -
Not SyncedThen I waited for his reaction.
-
Not SyncedTo my relief, he resonated with the idea.
-
Not SyncedHe said,
-
Not Synced"Yes, for any relationship to last beyond
the initial infatuation stage, -
Not Syncedpeople have to be able to apologize."
-
Not SyncedAnd about few months later
he gave me this endorsement. -
Not SyncedHe said,
-
Not Synced"What you have brought to my attention,
along with the love languages, -
Not SyncedI'd call the other essential for happy,
healthy relationships." -
Not SyncedWe teamed up for some research
that became our book -
Not SyncedWhen Sorry Isn't Enough.
-
Not SyncedToday we've asked 45.000 people,
-
Not Synced"What do you most wanna hear
when people apologize?" -
Not SyncedAnd the second question,
-
Not Synced"When people apologize to you,
what do you expect them to say or do?" -
Not SyncedYou might wanna take
a mental note of these questions -
Not Syncedbecause they're good ones
for you to use in your own life. -
Not SyncedTheir answers fell into five categories.
-
Not SyncedI promise we weren't looking for five,
-
Not Syncedalthough we know
he really likes that number. -
Not Synced(Laughter)
-
Not SyncedWe coined the term Apology Languages
for these five different ways of saying -
Not Synced"my bad."
-
Not SyncedEach one is a separate key.
-
Not SyncedIf you have a key and it unlocks the door,
-
Not Syncedyou might be tempted
to use that on every door -
Not Syncedbut that would be foolish,
and would only end up with frustration. -
Not SyncedIt's the same way
with our apology languages. -
Not SyncedI'm gonna share with you
percentages on how popular -
Not Syncedeach of our five apology languages are.
-
Not SyncedThis data is hot of the press
for our event today. -
Not SyncedThe first apology language
is expressing regret. -
Not Synced40 people most wanna hear us say
-
Not Synced"I'm sorry"
-
Not Syncedbut that's not a complete sentence.
-
Not SyncedIt's important that we give detail
about their feelings. -
Not SyncedHow we've made them sad,
angry, frustrated, worried. -
Not SyncedThey need to know that we really get it.
-
Not SyncedIf it's just a small offence,
that may be enough -
Not Syncedbut if it's something
that's either serious or repeated, -
Not Syncedthey're really gonna want
to hear their apology language. -
Not SyncedIt might be something
like our second language. -
Not SyncedAccepting responsibility.
-
Not Synced37 people most want to hear us say
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Not Synced"I was wrong."
-
Not SyncedSee, I've been practicing.
-
Not Synced(Laughter)
-
Not SyncedThis is really hard
for some people to say. -
Not SyncedWe find especially people,
who come from a family of origin -
Not Syncedor we call it FOO in psychology speak.
-
Not SyncedThey kind of put the fun
back in disfunction. -
Not Synced(Laughter)
-
Not SyncedThey may have been told all the time
not just what they did wrong -
Not Syncedbut that they were bad,
-
Not Syncedand they learned
to cover up their mistakes. -
Not SyncedThe fact is, we all make mistakes.
-
Not SyncedOur third language of apology is
making restitution or making amends. -
Not Synced10% of people really want us to ask them
"What can I do to make this right?" -
Not SyncedFor them, talk is cheap.
They wanna see action. -
Not SyncedOur fourth one is revising the plan.
-
Not Synced10% of people also wanna hear us say
what's gonna be different going forward. -
Not SyncedThey wanna know that we've put
some time and effort -
Not Syncedinto making a better plan.
-
Not SyncedThis didn't work so we should tell them
-
Not Synced"This is a new insight I have
about when I went off track -
Not Syncedor how much I disliked this situation."
-
Not SyncedWe can't promise won't make a mistake
-
Not Syncedbut here's my best plan for preventing us
from ending up in this bad spot again. -
Not SyncedOur final language of apology is
the request for forgiveness. -
Not Synced3% of people most want to be asked that question.
-
Not Synced"Will you please forgive me?"
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Not SyncedYou may be saying,
-
Not Synced"Jennifer, I've never asked that question,
it would never even pop into my head." -
Not SyncedThe fact is, for people who as children
were expected to ask that question, -
Not Syncedthey're gonna expect that of us.
-
Not SyncedIf we don't ask them, they may feel
like we're holding out on them -
Not Syncedor we're just getting warmed up
for a great apology, why did we stop? -
Not SyncedThose are our five languages of apology.
-
Not SyncedAs you can see, you simply can't guess
what's gonna speak to a person. -
Not SyncedIf you're talking to someone you don't know what their apology language is or if you're giving an apology to a group we recommend that you use all five.
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Not SyncedI do blogging about apologies in the media and I find that public figures use all five of these only 1% of the time.
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Not Synced(Laughter)
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Not SyncedLots of bad language of apology
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Not Synced"Mistakes were wade to the extent
that you were offended. We apologize." -
Not SyncedI had such a good time
analyzing the apologies -
Not Syncedby Tiger Woods, Lance Armstrong,
and any number of baseball players. -
Not SyncedYou also might notice,
as you look at these numbers, -
Not Syncedthat there's a huge imbalance.
-
Not SyncedSomeone might be askig themself,
-
Not Synced"Do we really need to focus on the meger 3%,
who want the request for forgiveness?" -
Not SyncedIf you're a smart manager, you will.
-
Not SyncedI worked with a company.
-
Not SyncedEmployee name is Sarah,
I'm making up that name. -
Not SyncedShe paid such close attention
to every single detail -
Not Syncedthat she was driving her work team crazy.
-
Not SyncedOne day, a guy who I'll call John,
blew up on her again. -
Not SyncedHe actually did come to her the next day
and started to give her a quasi apology. -
Not SyncedSaid something like,
"Sarah, I shouldn't have said that." -
Not SyncedBut you see, Sarah is in the 3%
-
Not Syncedand John was way out of the ballpark
with what she wanted to hear. -
Not SyncedShe was left thinking,
"And? Gimme some more here." -
Not SyncedBut John wouldn't budge.
-
Not SyncedAfter a little bit,
when she wouldn't let up, -
Not Syncedhe began to lob stink bombs at her.
-
Not SyncedGive me a nod if you've ever been hit
by one of these phrases: -
Not Synced"We can't do anything about it now,"
"You're too sensitive," -
Not Synced"It's time to move on,"
"Why can't you just drop it?" -
Not SyncedThis one's really popular:
"Let's let the past stay in the past." -
Not SyncedHopefully, we can all
do better than John did. -
Not SyncedLet me share a few tips with you
that we've learned along the way. -
Not SyncedFirst, we want our body language
to match up with our words. -
Not SyncedEveryone has that BS meter
and it'll go off if we seem very closed. -
Not SyncedI also want you to not apologize by text.
-
Not SyncedDon't you all hate that?
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Not SyncedFriends don't let friends text apologies.
-
Not SyncedNone of your body language
is gonna come through that way. -
Not SyncedIt's just too simple,
-
Not Syncedand doesn't show your sincerity
because it's too easy. -
Not SyncedIf it's a serious apology,
-
Not SyncedI want you to consider writing it out,
and taking it and reading it to them. -
Not SyncedThe time you took to write it
will show them your sincerity. -
Not SyncedDon't let yourself get distracted
so leave that cellphone behind. -
Not SyncedAnd then, I narrowed it down to three defensive apology mistakes that people often make.
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Not SyncedLet's not blame, excuse or deny.
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Not SyncedThose happen to spell BED.
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Not SyncedBlaming, that seems
to come naturally to kids -
Not Syncedand I know a few adults,
who haven't outgrown that yet. -
Not SyncedWhen my younger son had a Lego creation
that turned up broken parts and pieces, -
Not Syncedhe honed it one me as the culprit.
-
Not SyncedHe said repeatedly that I was at fault
and finally I went to him and I said, -
Not Synced"Russel, I'm tired of you blaming me
for having busted your Legos. -
Not SyncedI'm sorry about it but I didn't do it."
-
Not SyncedHe leveled his gaze on me
and with his 5-year-old logic he said, -
Not Synced"I'm not blaming you,
I'm saying you're the one who casued it." -
Not SyncedWe also need to be careful
not to make excuses. -
Not SyncedBenjamin Franklin said this,
"Never ruin an apology with an excuse." -
Not SyncedAnd a red flag that an excuse is coming
is when we hear the word "but." -
Not SyncedEspecially, "but you."
-
Not SyncedThen we know, they've stopped apologizing
-
Not Syncedand they're now blaming me
for their poor actions. -
Not SyncedWe don't want to deny what we've done.
-
Not SyncedWe should never try
to bluff our way around an apology. -
Not SyncedWhen people a mistake, we admire those,
who admit their missteps. -
Not SyncedIt is the quality of our relationships
that drive our happiness in life. -
Not SyncedWhen we return to those imperfect people in our world,
-
Not Syncedlet's commit to doing our part
to make things right with others. -
Not SyncedLet's put ourselves into their shoes and give them
-
Not Syncedwhat they really want and need.
-
Not SyncedWhat's the pay off?
-
Not SyncedYour team members will trust you,
your customers will be loyal to you. -
Not SyncedYou'll be replacing discord with harmony,
-
Not Syncedyour relationships will be
more peacefull and productive. -
Not SyncedYou will feel glorious freedom.
-
Not SyncedAs I talk today,
someone has come to your mind. -
Not SyncedHow do I know?
-
Not SyncedThe hundreds of people with whom I talked, have told me so.
-
Not SyncedHere's what you can do when you feel
-
Not Syncedlike you've already tried everything
to make things right with someone. -
Not SyncedDemonstrate leadership,
make the next move. -
Not SyncedTo make sure you aren't just missing it
like I did with JT, -
Not Synceduse all five apologies in your keyring.
-
Not SyncedWhen you look back,
you'll never regret it. -
Not Synced(Applause)
- Title:
- Getting the last word with apology | Jennifer Thomas | TEDxGreensboro
- Description:
-
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 17:06
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