Maintaining Long Distance Relationships

Hello. This video is about maintenance behaviors in long distance romantic relationships.

Um, you may be watching this video for a variety of reasons.

You're probably a student in one of my interpersonal communication classes.

But just in case, in case you're stumbling upon this video in for other reasons, let me introduce myself really quickly.

My name is Jenny Farrell. My area of research interest is long distance romantic relationships.

So this is something that I am very passionate about.

And my interest in this area really started from years of experience with this.

So my husband and I dated for four years a long distance.

And then after we got married, we experienced about an additional decade of

big chunks of time spent away from each other you know, as married and living together due to his job.

So he often would deploy all around the world for several months at a time.

So we have a ton of experience. And this is something that I like to.

Keep up with and talk about and really share my wisdom on because I just think it's incredibly important.

So what do you know about long distance relationships? You may have been in one before.

Maybe you currently are in one. Something that I would like to really focus on today is shifting our

perspectives about long distance relationships and maybe starting to think about them in different ways.

And also kind of widening the net of what types of relationships we consider to be long distance.

So there is definitely the traditional perspective of being in a long distance romantic relationship.

Um, but, you know, many of our other relationships are also long distance as well.

So you might find that some of the things we're talking about today also apply to other types of close relationships friendships,

family relationships, um, and even work relationships.

So a little preview about what I'd like to cover today is first,

I'd like to just give you kind of a brief intro into long distance relationship, uh, research, uh, as well as touch on some definitions.

I'd like to talk about something that I call notions of distance and talk a little bit about my own research.

And then we'll talk about unique challenges of being in a long distance relationship as well as maintenance behaviors,

and then also why long distance relationship couples report being satisfied, as well as some tips for success in these types of relationships.

And then I'd like to close out with, uh, reuniting permanently, which is oftentimes the big goal for long distance couples.

All right. So let's think carefully about some definitions here.

Um, I would like you to consider what do you think counts as a long distance romantic relationship?

Um. And how do you know if you're in line? Right?

What counts, what doesn't.

Now, this is something that is particularly important for, um, you know, scholars who are researching these types of relationships.

So there's a couple of different ways to think about what counts as long distance,

because oftentimes I hear students talk about their particular relationships and, um, you know, the things that they're experiencing.

And then I often surprise them and say, hey, you know, it sounds like you're actually in a long distance relationship.

And they never really thought about their relationship being long distance before.

So. There are researcher defined.

Relationships, right? These types of definitions often focus on how many miles are between each partner.

Right? Uh, but when you think about mileage as determining if you are in a long distance relationship or not.

Uh, you know, that begs the question of like, well, okay, then where's the cutoff?

Right. Is it ten miles? Is that 100 miles? Because I've heard, you know, folks who live in Vegas talk about how, you know, they may only live ten,

15 miles apart, but just that amount of distance means that they don't end up seeing each other often at all.

So, um, you know,

I've provided some citations here for researchers who typically do define long distance based on how many miles apart the partners live.

You know, another way to think about defining long distance relationships is based on how often you actually see each other.

So we have some other researchers who focus on.

Okay, well, how much time apart? Right do you typically have?

That's another way to think about these relationships. So, um, do you see each other every day?

Not every day. Maybe only on the weekends.

What if you are college students going to two different universities?

Maybe you only see each other on academic breaks, or maybe just the holidays.

This is another way for researchers to try and define what counts, right?

Who's in long distance relationships and who's not? Um, I see lots of trouble with researcher definitions.

Another way to think about this is, um, participant defined aspects of if you're long distance or not.

So, um, you know, some folks have decided to let participants use their own definitions, right?

So it's basically just asking people.

Do you feel like you're in a long distance relationship? Yes or no? Right.

I like this. I think this helps avoid incorrectly including or excluding people.

So, like, who am I to tell you that you're in a long distance relationship?

If you feel like you are not. Or who am I to tell you that your relationship doesn't count as long distance if you feel like it does?

Right. So personal assigned definitions might actually determine, you know, the relational perceptions and experiences.

So what this means is that whether you see yourself as in a long distance relationship or not,

is absolutely going to play a role in the experience for you.

Right. And that's something that we're going to continue to touch on by thinking about this idea of, um, you know, your notion of distance.

So I believe personally, uh, you know, coming from my own experience as well as the research that I've done myself, that, um.

The people in the relationship are the ones that know the relationships the best,

and I believe that they have the best understanding of if they are in a long distance relationship or not.

So I like to let people choose. So, you know, thinking about it in those ways, do a little bit of inventory of your own relationships,

even if you're not currently in a romantic relationship and think, well, which one of my relationships are long distance?

Which ones are not? And then why do you consider them to be that way?

So let's talk about this idea of what I call notions of distance.

I've already mentioned this a few times.

I want to spend some time talking about the word distance and, and, um, what it means and how people experience distance.

So let's just get a basic definition out there. Dictionary.com defines distance as the amount of space between two things points,

lines, etc. and we certainly could include people in this definition.

Right? The amount of space between us.

So if we're already thinking about distance in this way, that kind of sets us up for, um, some assumptions, right?

Let's be honest. Uh, anytime somebody mentions distance or space, right?

It has a lot of negative connotations when you apply it to relationships.

When we talk about, you know, partners being distant from each other, it implies this disconnection,

this separation, and a lot of these words distance, separation, disconnection, space.

They often imply negative aspects of personal relationships.

So it makes sense then that when people hear long distance relationship,

they're automatically going to start making some negative assumptions about that relationship.

Right. And I absolutely experienced this.

My husband and I both have experienced this many, many, many times over the years.

People hear that we are in a long distance relationship and they automatically.

Offer sympathy. Pity.

Because they think that it is a bad thing.

Right. And so, you know, even if you think of these types of phrases, I need space, right?

When you tell someone I need space, that's often interpreted in a very negative way.

Right. And so that's what I want you to keep in the forefront of your mind as we talk about these types of relationships.

I also want you to think about, you know, think about all of the cultural and societal messages that you receive about distance.

Think about all the movies, all the sitcoms, all the shows.

Right. As well as, um.

Anecdotal things that you hear from the people in your life friends, family.

Right. Personal experiences. They're often negative.

Let's be honest, right. I understand that these things are often negative.

Um. But I want to start to hopefully change that and talk about ways that we can shift this perspective.

Right. So there is um, one other thing that I wanted to mention about this idea of space and closeness.

And I personally love this song. The song is called close.

It's by Nick Jonas. Um, he has sung it with many different women as a duet.

Um, this is the music video of the version where he's singing with Tove Lo, and I really like her.

So I wanted to show you a little bit of this video, and I want you to think about the lyrics.

Right. So think carefully about the lyrics as you listen to it.

I'm just going to give you a little bit of a taste of it. Uh, I could certainly appreciate listening to the whole song.

Um, but you can absolutely go find this on your own time if I want you.

And then I want to, babe. And going backwards.

And that means for space. The space is just a word made up a song as a way to get to.

Come on. Oh.

So close. Oh. Once you close all.

It was just a word made up by someone who was afraid to get a call.

Oh. Space is just a word made up by someone who's afraid to get close.

What do you think of that? Because for me.

It sounds again like space is bad, right?

And this whole video shows them struggling to be together to touch each other, right?

And I think it really gets at a lot of the common, um, you know, struggles or maybe even misperceptions about being in a long distance relationship.

Because, again, the whole point is we want to be close.

We want to be emotionally close. We want to be physically close. And they talk about how space is a bad thing right now.

I love the song, but I'm not too fond of the lyrics.

You should listen to the entire song if you've never heard it. So where am I going with this?

All right. Well, how does this affect how we actually experience the distance?

Right. We know we've got a ton of these negative messages coming at us and, um, you know, ton of.

Negative experiences that we hear about from other people. And maybe you have also had negative experiences and long distance relationships.

But what I'm really interested in is how do all of these messages impact the experience that we then have, right?

This is where I think self-fulfilling prophecies become extremely relevant.

So in my own research, a lot of what I found was that the couples who.

Didn't have the social support from friends and family members, didn't have the positivity,

didn't have previous positive experiences with long distance relationships, and focused on all of those negative messages.

Often ended up having bad experiences, right?

So I think in a lot of ways, our experiences in long distance relationships become self-fulfilling prophecies.

They can be positive or they can be negative, right?

But what happens with a self-fulfilling prophecy is that we often make these predictions about how something is going to play out,

and then we end up behaving and communicating in ways that make those predictions come true.

Right? Those predictions then become reality. It wasn't fate. It wasn't destiny.

No, it was how we actually behaved and how we communicated and how we interacted with each other that encouraged this path.

Right? So just a quick Google search on long distance relationships can give you a lot about how they are doomed.

And let me tell you, I heard this over and over and over again for years.

They're never going to work. How can you trust each other?

You know, so-and-so is going to break your heart. You're just wasting your time.

And if you've been in these relationships, you probably have heard these things as well.

And maybe you went down the rabbit hole googling about why our long distance relationships so doomed.

But what I want to point out is that these self-fulfilling prophecies can certainly be negative, but they certainly can be positive as well.

So if we shift our perspective to have more of a positive notion of distance, a positive, uh,

perception and outlook of what distance really means in our relationships, that sets us up for success.

And that's what I want you to really start thinking about, is what are some of the amazing,

beneficial and positive aspects of long distance relationships?

Because I think there are quite a few. So what makes maintaining a long distance relationship challenging?

Because are they hard? Yes. I'm not going to lie and say that they're easy, but I think all relationships are hard.

Right. So that's something else I want you to think about, is that, yes, long distance relationships are unique in a lot of ways,

but they're also quite similar to other relationships in many other ways.

So this is a quote taken out of your textbook for COM

302. Elder couples generally use less maintenance behaviors such as openness, assurances and joint activities.

Okay, but that really makes sense, right?

So instead, let's think about what are some of these unique long distance relationship challenges.

What are some of the things that stand out about long distance relationships that can kind of constrain communication?

And again, these are some things that I was very interested in in my own research.

Right. Because I was often hearing people say, oh, well, these relationships are so hard and mine wasn't that hard.

I mean, I felt like it was, um, challenging just in the same way that geographically close or proximal relationships were hard.

So I wondered, you know, what are some of these unique challenges?

So, you know, kind of overall, the research shows us that there are several unique challenges.

Uh, these are not necessarily in order of, like, how difficult they are.

One particular challenge is just the fact that if you do live in different areas, you might have a different time zone than your partner.

Uh, you know, once you cross time zones, it's get it gets really tricky to try to be able to, uh, communicate synchronously right at the same time.

Whenever my husband deployed, he often was 9 to 12 hours ahead of me.

And that makes it quite difficult because you are on different waking schedules, different working schedules, different sleeping schedules.

Which obviously is going to make things difficult. This can also happen though, if you live in the same house.

What are you talking about, lady? Okay. I will go as far to make the argument that you might be in a long distance relationship.

If you live with your romantic partner and you are on different shifts or schedules.

What I mean by that is maybe one person is day shift and one person is night shift, especially in a town like Las Vegas.

Many people work around the clock, have night shift, and most of my husband's years in the military and working as a contractor.

He worked night shift. We're talking years and years and years of night shift.

Even when we lived in the same house and were together, uh, on the same days, we would be on different schedules, completely different schedules.

He would literally be going to bed as I would be waking up. And to me, that still felt like a long distance relationship.

So I would make the argument that, you know, you can certainly be in a long distance relationship.

Um, even if you live in the same house and are sleeping in the same bed, if it's a different hours,

you're having to face a lot of the same challenges as a couple who live across the world from each other.

Another big obvious challenge is the lack of face to face communication,

the lack of face to face time actually being physically in front of each other.

That means that you have to really rely on asynchronous communication.

Uh, limited or no non-verbal communication, which means you can't, uh, touch each other.

That's kinesis or not Kinesis. That's haptics. Right?

Touch is haptics. You can't, um, see the facial expressions, the posture.

That is kinesis. Right? Body movement.

Um, you can't hear, uh, the particular aspects of someone's voice if you are relying on, like, texting, for example, or messaging.

Uh, you miss out on tone and pace and volume and all these really important aspects of non-verbal communication.

So that's an obvious one, right? Another unique challenge is that technology really drives these relationships.

And so any kind of issue related to technology is going to be, um,

much more impactful on long distance relationships than it is on proximal or geographically close relationships.

So, um, you know, things that I have experienced, for example, are, you know, poor or no self-service or Wi-Fi.

You know, my husband, um, he would deploy, would often go to places where there was no service.

So we were, you know, totally unable to reach each other.

Um, you may just have, like, bad devices, an older laptop that doesn't support, uh,

the technology, um, or partners might not just be like superstars, uh, using technology.

There are tons of cool programs and apps that are available to us now.

Um, but, you know, not all of us are totally skilled in how to use these things, so there's that too.

You may not understand it. Uh, you might struggle with it. So technology unfortunately drives a lot of these relationships.

And if you're not great at it or the technology sucks, then.

That's going to hinder you, right? There also is limitations for visits.

So a big part and visits I think can be interpreted in several different ways.

Um, a big part of long distance relationships is the time when you are together, right?

So, um, with often long distance relationships, there are there's time apart and then time together.

And so depending on your situation, getting together can be very difficult.

Right. So if you have to actually travel to see each other that's expensive.

Let's be honest. Right. If you have to fly. Oh it's difficult right.

Um, during the four years that I was in undergrad, you know, working my way through college,

my husband had joined the military and was traveling all around the United States for training and things like that.

And then we ended up a couple states away from each other. Uh, but we could usually, usually road trip to be able to see each other.

We saw each other, usually for one long weekend every 6 or 7 weeks, um, which was not a lot of time spent together, but.

It was expensive to drive that far.

Gas is expensive, you know. Uh, we were young adults, and I was in college and didn't make a ton of money.

Then there's also other travel restrictions and limitations.

You know, you might if you're looking at trying to travel to different countries, there could be issues with that.

Um, I mean, hello, pandemic having to quarantine, you know, for health reasons, not being able to visit each other.

So, um. Just spending time together, like being able to be together, can be much more difficult than you might assume.

And again, if you, you know, live together, but you're on completely different shifts, uh,

that creates a whole other set of challenges just to be able to actually spend time together.

So, for example, when my husband was night shift and I was working day shift, um, he would often, you know, he'd get a couple of days off a week,

but he would have to throw his sleep schedule completely out of whack several times a day just to be able to hang out with me.

And that wore on. His health, really? To throw your sleep cycle like that totally out of whack.

You know, on his Friday, he would just try to stay up so he he may stay up for 24 hours in a row just to be able to hang out with me,

to then get on a day shift or closer to a day shift, to be able to hang out with me for a couple of days.

And then he'd have to sleep a ton to get ready to go back to work, right?

To get himself back on a night shift. And that's very, very difficult.

So there's tons of limitations for even to be able to actually spend real time together face to face.

So. This kind of begs the question.

All right. Well, what about jealousy and trust issues?

Because I think in pop culture, uh, when people talk about long distance relationships and how they're hard or how they don't work,

I think a lot of people focus on this, right? The jealousy, the trust issues.

And why didn't I pull that out as one of the unique, uh, challenges of long distance relationships?

Well, let's dig in a little bit to this idea. All right.

Jealousy is an emotional response to a perceived threat on a relationship.

So when we feel like someone is potentially moving in on a close relationship of ours, we experience jealousy.

Now, envy is different than jealousy, right? Envy is a desire to have something that someone else has.

So thinking about jealousy and envy, I mean, these are not unique emotional experiences for folks who are in long distance relationships.

So I think most people can identify with experiencing these types of emotional struggles in our close relationships.

Um, however, we might experience them in different ways and due to different things in long distance relationships.

So and I think maybe that's why people.

Might automatically jump to think about these issues, right?

So, for example, something we often hear is, um.

Through the use of social media, you might get jealous of the people that your partner are hanging out with.

So maybe you're seeing photos of your partner with someone else that might create or trigger jealousy.

Something I experienced was often envy.

I was envious of everyone who got to hang out with my partner because that's that's like the one thing I couldn't do, right?

I couldn't just go to a movie or, you know, hang out on the couch and watch TV or, um, go out to eat.

I couldn't do these things with him, but other people could and and did.

Right. Same with me. I was still hanging out with my friends, uh, coworkers.

And so it made me very envious to know that, um, someone else had the ability to be around my person,

because I, I missed him so much, and I wanted so badly to do those things, right.

So, of course, long distance relationships create unique opportunities to experience,

express and cope with these emotions, but they're not unique in particular to these types of relationships.

So I definitely wanted to kind of touch on on these things, but also know that for me, you know,

for someone who's experienced a ton of long distance and also for someone who's researched it, I don't think this should be the focus.

I again, I think we need to shift our notions of distance, and we need to start thinking about distance in a completely different way.

And also realizing that, you know, jealousy, trust issues, envy.

Um, that happens in a lot of relationships, regardless of how often you see each other or you know, how close you live to each other.

So let's talk a little bit about elder maintenance behaviors.

So, um, you know, some things that are often recommended for, you know, how to maintain these types of relationships.

Absolutely. Use those pro-social maintenance behaviors.

Um, there are many of them addressed in your textbook for palm three and two.

You know, we've got things like positivity, openness, assurances, sharing tasks, being supportive, romance and affection, humor.

Right. These things are going to be, um, great ways to maintain any romantic relationship, whether you're long distance or proximal.

The only difference here is you might have to get a little bit more creative.

So again in page 298 of your textbook, um, there's a table that talks about all of the different pro-social maintenance behaviors.

And um. If you just dig deep and get a little creative, you can still do these things even if you are long distance, right?

So positivity, openness, assurances those are all things you can do.

Um, you know, no matter how you're communicating, some things might be a little bit trickier.

Like, um, what about joint activities? Right.

You know, joint activities is like doing stuff together, hanging out together.

That's a maintenance behavior.

You know, and a lot of long distance couples will say, okay, well, obviously I can't do that one, but can you write?

I mean, I have heard many students talk about, um, doing date nights where you watch a movie together,

um, you know, using, like, FaceTime or zoom or whatever Netflix party.

Um, you know, I have heard couples that will cook together, so they'll be on, um, you know,

some type of video chat, and they will both cook the same meal and then sit down and eat it together.

And you can absolutely experience things together even when you are not, you know, physically in the same space.

So you just gotta get a little creative, dig a little bit deeper.

Um, and you can still, you know, do these things.

So I would I always recommend focusing on the pro-social stuff, uh, no matter what type of relationship you are in.

Another big one is obviously going to be learn the technology and use it.

So brush up on your tech skills. Uh, play around with tons of different apps and online tools you can do.

You can find some great stuff just with a quick Google search.

Um, you know, for me, my husband and I, before we got married, this was in the early 2000s, uh, you know, many, many years ago.

And, um, we had cell phones that were very unreliable.

So we often did not call each other. I, we would call each other's landlines and leave messages on answering machines a lot.

I know it sounds ancient, um, but we did use, like, AOL messenger, and we would e-mail back and forth,

and we did actually send things in the mail for, you know, the first handful of years that we experienced long distance.

But, you know, fast forward ten years after that and we were able to, you know, we had better cell phones, we had smartphones,

we were able to share photos, share videos, um, have video calls when the technology allowed it, when the service allowed it.

Um, and now there's just tons of amazing ways to stay connected.

So, you know, we always recommend. Learn how to use that stuff, brush up on it, try things, get creative.

Different couples will use technology in different ways. You may find those apps that you love and they'll be some that you maybe hate.

But I highly recommend taking advantage of those opportunities because I know for many of you who are young,

it's really hard to imagine life without smartphones.

And you may think like, there's no way I could have had a long distance relationship, uh, back in the day.

Yeah, you could have, uh, that was a just a different way of maintaining relationships and a different way of living life.

And, um, it's absolutely possible. Here's a pro tip that I do want to touch on is don't be needy.

So it's very easy to overdo it with, um, the technology because we have it available to us.

So this is something that I'm going to focus more on here in a little bit, um, about this idea of like,

just because you can be connected really at all times through the use of technology, don't necessarily rely on that.

So successful, long distance couples often report being more satisfied or more in love than geographically close couples.

Um, and this, I think, is often surprising for folks that, you know,

because I think we face so much of these negative cultural and societal messages about long distance.

But it's interesting because when researchers actually actually dig deep into long distance couples and start comparing them to more proximal couples,

long distance couples often report being more satisfied, happier, or maybe even more in love than folks who are not long distance.

Why is that? Let's talk a little bit about that.

So how can distance equal satisfaction when you know we know that people think such negative things about distance.

Several things I want to touch on. Autonomy is the first one, right?

We know autonomy is, um, experiencing.

Individuality in a relationship. Uh, having moments to yourself, doing things the way you want to do, um, living your life, right?

As a person. As an individual. And let's be honest, couples experience more autonomy when they're separated.

That's absolutely true. I can attest to this 100%.

This was probably one of the greatest benefits for me personally, um, in my own long distance relationship.

I had the freedom and the ability to live my life when I was not around my partner and so I could focus on me.

And that was very, very important. Um, you know, I was getting my college degree.

I was coming of age.

I was creating amazing friendships, and I was living away from my family for the first time.

There were a ton of things that I wanted to focus on that didn't necessarily involve my partner at the time.

Right. So if you remember from Relational Dialectics, one of the big dialectical tensions is the struggle between autonomy and connection.

Right. So often in relationships, we struggle between wanting to be autonomous,

wanting to have our own individuality, but also feeling connected to our partner.

And if you ask me. Long distance relationships is the ultimate solution to this struggle, right?

Because you can be completely autonomous really, when your partner is away, right?

And then when you are together, it's all about being connected.

And for me. That was the best of both worlds I could focus on.

I mean, I got amazing grades, which I know would not have happened if, um, you know, my husband lived with me or even near me.

Um, I really created and fostered amazing friendships and did some amazing things.

Really, because I had that that freedom. Right?

So this is a big one. Um, another big positive aspect of being long distance is your communication is often restricted and positive.

So long distance couples often report relying on controlled mediated communication,

which means you are relying on phone calls, video calls, you know, chatting, direct messaging, those types of things.

And a lot of times, let's be honest, we're on our best behavior when we are communicating using those things, right?

We know that online communication often, um, you know, people disclose more so we can achieve deeper intimacy.

Um, sometimes people find it a little bit easier to communicate online or, you know, via text or something like that.

And so when most of your relationship is happening using these types of technologies, uh, the focus is on.

Being your best person.

Um, making sure that you are kind to each other and positive and funny and, um, you're really seeing each other in a in a positive light.

And this is also true when you know, you hang, when you do hang out together,

when you do actually get to spend time together, because it doesn't happen all the time.

So it's very precious right now. This also leads us to a conversation about idealization.

And this is also talked about in your book as well.

So idealization is when you define your relationship or, and or your partner in overly positive ways, that's often unrealistic.

So when you place your partner on a pedestal and you just think that they are amazing and they can do no wrong and they're wonderful,

right, absence makes the heart grow fonder. They're just an amazing human being.

Uh, that is idealization. And many long distance couples report experiencing idealization right now.

This can be good, but it can be bad, right? Because it it sets up a lot of, um, unrealistic ways to think about each other.

But if absence makes the heart grow fonder and you think all these amazing, wonderful things about your partner,

you're going to report being more in love with them and more satisfied, right?

We also have brief, passionate reunions and long distance relationships.

So that means that when you do see each other, it's amazing, right?

How many of you have had long distance romantic relationships where you just lived for those times together?

Those visits? Right. Um, when my husband and I, when we were dating and we would go six,

seven weeks without seeing each other and then we would get only 2 or 3 days to hang out,

it was all about us, 100% about the relationship, about the love, about the passion.

Like that was our focus, right? So we had very carefully planned activities, you know, you would get so ready in advance.

I mean, we would talk about this. The buildup right, to these visits, um, was pretty intense.

And oftentimes researchers talk about how, like planning visits and planning activities is, um,

a coping mechanism for how you deal with the time apart is you focus on the fact that you're going to see each other.

And when is that going to be? You lock that in the calendar, right?

You make these plans. That also is an act of assurance when you make plans for the future.

So you might totally clear your schedule. You going to make sure like, okay, I'm gonna have all my schoolwork done right, I'm going to get a haircut.

I'm going to get a spa treatment, I'm getting my nails done. I'm gonna go pick out a new outfit.

Right. Uh, maybe you're even going to focus on, like, getting in shape, right?

Uh, you're gonna make those reservations, you're gonna book those tickets, and it's going to be amazing.

And so when you do get to experience each other, you've told everybody else, like, I can't hang out with you on these days, right?

My person is going to be in town. I'm going to be all focused on them.

You have these long, in-depth, quality conversations, which.

I mean, for those of you who, you know, live in the same town or even live with your partner right now, do you still do this for each other?

Do you block out these moments of uninterrupted, total time for connection and have long, in-depth, quality conversations?

No. Not often. Right.

Um, so. Long distance relationships kind of have these moments built in where they can

totally shift from that autonomy to that connection and really just focus all about,

you know, the partner and the relationship and really fostering these amazing ways to connect.

So it makes sense then, right when you look at all of these things, it makes sense.

Why? Couples who are in long distance relationships often report being quite satisfied.

And I can tell you absolutely yes, yes, yes, yes. These things, um, were amazing benefits to my relationship and kept us going for years.

Uh, but let's come back to something I mentioned earlier. Is relying too much on that technology.

And maybe getting to needy in our long distance relationships.

So I mentioned in my own, uh, long distance relationship that, you know, most of our solid chunks of time spent away from each other,

we didn't have this type of technology to rely on, and I actually think it was to our benefit.

So we got very comfortable to not constantly being in touch with each other.

And this is something that I see people doing now.

And I hear people talk about doing now that I fear is going to backfire in the long run.

So a lot of times people try to overcompensate for the fact that they.

People often try to overcompensate for the fact that they aren't around each other all the time, and they use technology to fill in these gaps, right?

So I see people really overusing the technology,

and that's a no no that's going to absolutely kill some of the greatest benefits of being in a long distance relationship, right?

So for folks that text constantly all day long, I see that as a problem for folks who FaceTime with each other and just leave the FaceTime on, um,

for hours and hours and hours, even when you're not really interacting with each other just to try to simulate being in the same room together.

I also see that as a problem. So.

You have to realize that you are killing the autonomy or the freedom that's inherently built into being in a long distance relationship.

When you are constantly trying to connect with each other via technology,

you also are lowering the opportunity for those positive quality conversations.

Now you're just kind of, you know, talking about nothing.

You may run out of things to talk about. You may experience being bored with each other, and then the focus starts to shift on this kind of sucks.

This is boring. I'd rather just, like, be with you physically and touch you.

And just having this constant technology connection is not working right.

So I don't recommend this. It also creates very unrealistic expectations of like that.

You have to be in constant connection, right? Because let's be honest, sometimes we can't.

I mean, if you are in class or at work or driving or sleeping, you shouldn't be expected to be texting back and forth or,

you know, having a phone call or having, you know, a zoom meeting or FaceTiming or whatever.

So if you do get into these patterns of this constant connection, right,

you're you're setting yourself up for very unrealistic expectations that really can't be maintained.

So we know this is hard to keep up, right.

You may go through bursts where you're talking a lot, but if you have a life which I anticipate you do and so does your partner.

We are adults. We have stuff to do, things on our plate.

Uh, it's very difficult to keep this up. And there's obviously going to be negative consequences when we don't or when we can't.

Right. This is where you start to see people, um, engaging in a lot of conflict, making accusations.

This is where trust issues come up. Well, why didn't you text me back?

Why didn't you call me back? Why didn't you answer my call?

Right. Again, if you create this expectation of being totally available to each other at all times, um, it it has a lot of negativity in the long run.

And honestly, let's be honest with each other, this can get very annoying.

Um. I don't know about you, but if I'm working or, uh, studying or something like that, or sleeping, I don't want my phone to be blowing up.

Right. That becomes a turn off rather than a turn on.

So it's a fine line of staying connected and using technology in beneficial ways and pushing into.

Using it too much and being too needy and being annoying and overwhelming.

Um. Yeah. I don't like to see all those constant notifications.

Um, because I'm busy. And again, if I value that autonomy that time away from my partner, uh,

I'm going to want to do all of the other things that he doesn't want to do or isn't interested in, um, or, you know, doesn't care about, um.

And so I don't want to be necessarily blown up in the moment.

Does that make sense?

So this is something important because I think, you know, many especially young folks now, uh, become so connected via technology.

Um, and then we often use it in ways to, um, compensate, overcompensate for when we can't actually be around someone.

So, again, try and find that balance. And again, you know, there's no set amount of, you know, minutes that you should be using technology.

It's really going to be something that the individual couple needs to kind of feel out.

So I would love to talk about something that most long distance couples strive for, which is what we call a permanent reunion.

So most folks in long distance relationships see this as temporary.

All right. We're going to do this until you graduate.

Or we're going to do this until I can get that new job, or we're going to do this until I can buy that house.

Right. Or we're going to do this just while I'm taking care of my sick family member or whatever it is.

But a lot of times there is this end day right where they hope to be permanently reunited and to no longer be long distance.

So let's talk about this a little bit, right?

If you've got unrealistic expectations about what the relationship will look like when you are no longer long distance, um,

and you idealize each other, you just think your person is absolutely amazing, can do no wrong, and you see none of their flaws.

Typically, what happens when you do permanently reunite is that idealization ends.

You are slapped across the face with who they are as a real, actual person because now you're around them all the time.

Your autonomy decreases because now you've got to hang out with this person all of the time, and so you lose out a lot of that on that.

Like, you know, individual focus on that meantime.

And then guess what? Conflict goes up because we know that we have conflict with people that we hang out with the most.

So the more you are around people, uh, the more you're going to have conflict.

So the more you're just kind of in each other's face, in each other's faces, obviously more conflict is going to arise.

And a lot of times, if you didn't have conflict when you were long distance and you didn't have great conflict management skills,

now you've got to try to figure that out. Uh, and people get, um, you know, intimidated by conflict.

That can kind of be scary, too. And what the research shows us is we are actually twice as likely to break up.

Because of all of this. All right. So the research shows long distance couples are twice as likely to break up.

Once they hit that permanent reunion stage in their relationship.

Well. Great. Uh.

So now what? Right. What does this tell us? Does this suggest that, you know, happy, successful long distance couples should just stay long distance?

Because, honestly, I had I kind of had that moment of freaking out when I knew my husband was going to quit his job, and that made him deploy.

He was going to start his own business, which meant he was going to be home all of the time.

That was terrifying for us because we got really good at being long distance and.

I mean, as I talk about it in class, I research it, right? It was like, what are we going to do when this is no longer who we are?

And for me, it kind of was an identity concern, right? It was this is like this is our strength.

This is how we thrive and how we are successful and happy.

So. What should we just tell people?

Like, if you're a great long distance couple, just stay long distance forever.

Not necessarily you can write that choice is up to you, but there are better ways to go about this.

So if your end goal is permanent reunion and you know you're doing great while you are long distance, um,

instead you just want to try to manage those expectations and try to have more realistic views of your

partner and the relationship and really what life is going to be like when you are around each other.

So it's kind of just about being prepared, right? So make a conscious effort to try to limit that idealization.

Um, make sure you see each other as human beings who have flaws, who make mistakes, um,

you know, recognizing that they are not this perfect, perfect person and neither are you.

Use open communication about what you need, what you want.

Really from the get go. Right. So I think it's good to talk about, you know when you when you we do move in together or when we do live together,

um, you know kind of expectations for those types of things.

And, um, don't be afraid to have those, you know, big conversations like, um, you know, are you a neat freak?

Are you a slob? Are you a morning person? Are you an evening person?

All of these things that are going to be really important once you are no longer long distance.

Conflict management is also going to be huge.

You've got to work on using good conflict management strategies, working to collaborate more with each other,

and really being comfortable engaging in conflict because it can be a little bit scary, like I mentioned before.

And then that, you know, really sets you up for satisfaction and success.

So the big tip here is to try to expect that there is going to be that adjustment period and that,

um, it isn't all like rainbows and unicorns and glitter when you no longer or long distance,

because that's such a common misconception and it's often devastating for couples, is to battle their way through, um, the time apart.

Maybe it's a year or two years, whatever it might be, to get to this permanent reunion, and they expect everything to just be magical.

And it's not, uh, it's very hard, right?

So you really want to make sure that you are expecting that there's going to be a big adjustment period.

So instead, you know, focus on the benefits.

I think this is really going to be your best bet is to, uh,

really understand some of the great things that being in a long distance relationship can bring and how amazing it can be.

Like I said, um, you know,

my husband and I were able to get so very close and just really appreciate each other over years of managing this type of relationship.

And we just learned so much about each other and so much about what it means to love and to maintain,

uh, you know, healthy and successful relationship.

And, um, so I absolutely think that it is possible and I believe that distance can be very beneficial even in,

um, you know, even now when, you know, my husband and I live in the same house, we're on the same schedule.

Um, we see each other all of the time. We still absolutely value and appreciate the time that we spend apart.

And do we spend time apart? Yes, absolutely.

And it's interesting because if we go an extended period of time, I would say longer than like two months,

where we've seen each other every single day, we start to kind of feel funky in the relationship and we know that we need some time apart.

So I'll plan a girl's weekend.

Or he might have, uh, you know, a camping trip with friends or a race event that he wants to go to for a couple of days.

And those things,

those moments where we get to do our own thing and really enjoy time away from each other and enjoy our lives without the other person around,

makes us miss each other long each other, and long for each other.

And it makes those moments that we are together so much more sweet because we we get reminded like, oh my gosh,

I do really like being around you, and I love to touch you and kiss you and lay with you and be with you.

And I think you are amazing and I missed you while I was gone.

And also part of that is we don't, you know, when we do spend time apart, we're not constantly blowing up each other's phones either.

We might, you know, occasionally check in a couple times a day, sometimes a phone call, sometimes not.

But that time apart is really important for actually being apart and sitting with that and using that to appreciate each other when you are together.

And I really think that is the key to making all of this work.

So focus on those good things. Stay positive. Uh, in closing, I'd like to share just a couple of photos.

This is my husband and I when we were 17.

And we were about to go to prom. Please don't judge our late 90s outfits.

Um, we are just babies when I look back on this.

But I also know that that was just the beginning of, uh, just such an incredible journey.

And fast forwarding now to over 20 years later,

just the life that we have built together and how much I love this human being and everything that we have created.

You know, we have two kids now. Um, you know, I think that distance, space.

Being away really was pivotal to a lot of our successes and a lot of the ways that we were able to.

Make it work. And really just some of the reasons why I think we are so great together as a couple now.

So I hope that you got a little bit of something out of this talk today.

Um, thank you so much for staying tuned and following along.

Um, as always, if you have any questions concerns, want to just follow up with me?

Feel free and hopefully, you can start to think critically about your own notions of distance and start to really value time away and time together.