HOW TO GET A HOT CHICK!

-You're watching Shane Dawson and Friends

Where the excitement never ends

So open your ears, sit down, and relax

Or Shanaynay will bust a f--kin' cap in your ass

[gunshot]

-Hey, what's up, you guys?

Welcome to another exciting edition of Shane & Friends,

the show on YouTube with the most ironic title.

[chuckles] Get it?

'Cause I don't have friends.

Oh, I'm just kidding; I have plenty of friends.

I'll call one right now.

I'm gonna call my BFF, Britney.

We're like this.

-[on phone]: Hello?

-Hey, Brit-Brit.

-Stop calling me, Shane!

[dial tone]

-All right, Britney, I'll call you back!

On that depressing note, enjoy the video!

-Ned's Nerd World

Ned's Nerd World

It's time to get techy in Ned's World

-Hello, citizens.

Today on Ned's Nerd World, I'll be discussing superheroes.

All of us at one point have wanted to have superpowers.

I, for one, wanted to fly or disappear.

Not to save people, but to escape from my own life.

[bully's knuckles crack]

After years of being shoved into lockers and beaten with Twix--

no, not the candy.

The pieces of branches that are too large to be sticks, but too small to be twigs.

I call them twicks.

They would beat me with them and they would make me eat them and

then carry me off to the river and throw me in.

I'd come home all bloody and sad and my dad say, "Man up!"

[wall picture shatters]

And then I'd cry myself to sleep.

What was I talking about?

Oh yeah, superheroes.

Someone please develop superpowers so I can escape my life.

[thought bubble chimes, then shatters]

Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom and make myself vomit,

'cause I've decided I'm fat and that's why women don't like me.

Bye!

[vomits, then groans]

[sultry music playing, girls giggle]

[smooching noises]

-Oh my, oh my, oh my, God

Oh my, it's Ask Paris

-Dear Paris Hilton, my name is Moby Lee.

I want to be a famous entertainer.

I thought you could give me some famous tips so I could be famous too.

-Wow, to be honest, the only way to get famous if you're a black guy

is to kill somebody or to go on American Idol.

But then again, Ruben who?

-Dear Paris, do you think I would find, like,

someone that, you know, would accept me for who I am,

'cause I don't like to wear makeup.

-Well, I don't wanna be mean,

so I'm gonna have Tinkerbell tell me what she thinks,

and then I'll tell you what she said.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No.

-Dear Paris Hilton, I like my best friend.

What should I do?

-Well, you should probably stop talking like this,

'cause you're probably freaking him the fuck out.

-It's Ask Paris

-Yay! [laughs]

-These are Shanaynay'z Tipz, motherf-----

-Hey, gutter-sluts and bubble butts.

Have you ever walked into your room and said--[sniffs]

"It smells like something died,

and it can't be a person 'cause all my family members are already dead.

And it can't be that hobo,

because he moved out last week."

Well, then you probably have a dead pet.

Now, I know it's hard to deal with death,

especially when it's a pet.

I mean, I hate people, so it's easy to see their asses go.

But a pet is so cute, unlike a stupid baby.

[chuckles]

So glad I killed mine and replaced it with a cat.

So here are my three tips to dealing with a pet's death.

Number one: clean that shit up.

Now, I know it's sad and kind of disgusting to scrape a loved one off the floor,

but if you don't, your house is gonna smell nasty.

So after you clean that shit up, have a nice memorial.

I like to write a song for my loved ones.

It was for my cat, and I named her Amanda Bynes.

One, two, a-one, two, three, four...

Bynes

You were mines

I loved you long times

I can't believe you're not in my life

I used to come home and smell a house full of pee

And now you're burnin' up in hell, just waitin' for me

That one was for my pussy in hell.

Last step is to move on.

I already got a new pet.

It's a parrot.

I named him Frankie Muniz, you know,

to go along with that creepy washed-up child actor thing.

Frankie want a cracker?

[Frankie squawks]

Just a second.

[gunshot, Frankie splats on ground]

Tell Amanda I said hi.

-If your life is a major bum

Get some Wisdom from Shane's Mom

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Ha-ha, I'm just fuckin' with ya.

Take the lemons and squeeze them all over your faggoty son's underwear

and give him a urinary tract infection.

And if you have a daughter,

don't forget to sprinkle a little suger.

You don't want the next guy to go down on her

and end up with Renée Zellweger face.

[puckers lips]

Ha, see ya later, faggots!

-This is S-Deezy's G-Spot

You better take his advice or yo' ass'll get shot

-Yo, yo, yo. Welcome back to the G-Spot with me, S-Deezy.

Now today, we're gonna talk about gettin' a footjob.

A footie.

One of the most underrated of all the jobs, you know,

you got the handjob, the blowjob, the boob job, the rimjob.

Where's the foot?

And it's real easy.

All you gotta do is go up to a bitch and be like,

"Damn! You walkin' on gold with them feet?"

And she's all like, "Ooh, baby..."

-Hey, Deezy.

I got the foot model you wanted.

-What? I mean... woo-hoo!

Bring in the foot bitch.

[tone]

So, uh, welcome to the show, bitch.

Thank you so much for having me, "Sih-Deezy."

-Yeah.

Well, um, so all you gotta do is you just walk up to the bitch and compliment her, right?

Damn, bitch!

Yo' feet be dirty and tired as fuck.

Want me to rub 'em?

-Oh. Of course I do.

-Ooh, Bulbasaur!

-Oh, gross!

Did you just cum?

-Damn it.

-Ow, eww, oh no,

I'm a professional, that is not okay.

Not okay at all!

[loud gunshot, blood spurting out]

-Oh! Man, this is fucked up.

[tone]

-Aunt Hilda's Home and Garden Show.

-[singing] Oh, who wears short shorts?

Da-da, da-da, da-da-da

Faggots and stupid whores

[groans]

Obviously, I'm not a fan of the pussy-popping and ball-dropping,

but I do understand that kids nowadays like to look sexy

and they want to get pulled over by the cops for hustling crack.

[crack!]

So I'm gonna show you how to take a pair of ordinary pants

and turn them into an attention-whore's wet dream.

First, I take the scissors.

Now, I'm gonna cut strategic holes in these pants

where I think they're gonna get the most use.

Perfect!

One in the front and one in the back.

Easy access, baby!

Now it's time to give your pants a fun catchphrase.

"Juicy" and "love" are so 2009.

It is definitely the year of "I was sexually abused and I'm looking for attention."

If those pants don't get ya laid, there's a problem with you, bitch.

But there is something you can add to get a little extra attention.

[OPEN sign buzzing]

Now they know you're open for business, baby!

Bye!

-Now it's time for Shane's Question of the Day

-All right, you guys.

Today's question is if you were a stripper,

what would your stripper name be?

Mine would be Mr. Tittydance.

Do I even have to explain why?

[scatting sexy tune]

Yes, that would make all those homies make it rain.

Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, I have no idea what that means.

So leave a video response or a comment with your stripper name and you could win...

a new Shane Dawson Hot Topic shirt!

I don't know why I said I like Oprah!

I can spell "boobies" on my calculator!

I am so gonna get evicted.

All right you guys,

have an awesome week and thank you so much to my friend Orf.

He animated the Ned's Nerd World section and he did an awesome job,

so go show him some love.

And before I go,

I wanna say a quick thank you to you guys.

I know I've been missing a couple Saturdays here and there and I'm really sorry.

I've been working on something outside of YouTube for the last couple months

and I can't really talk about it yet,

'cause the papers aren't done,

but trust me,

I'm working really hard for you and you're gonna fuckin' love it.

So please,

if I miss a Saturday here or there or I miss an Ask Shane,

please just know, I'm still working.

But I'm gonna try not to, I'm gonna try to juggle.

This doesn't look right.

Why am I still doing it?

All right you guys,

have a good week and one more thing:

fire burp.

[exploding burp]

-Got a little advice from Shane and Friends

Hit the thumbs up button

Or Shanaynay will f--kin' kill you

Captioned by SpongeSebastian

-Tell Amanda I said hi.