Top 5 Most-Watched Live Sketches | Season 50 | Saturday Night Live

-I'm sorry I met someone
I connected with,

but Domingo is in the past.

-Kelsey, I'm here.
-Oh, my God!

-See, now, if this is Domingo,
I'm going to be pissed.

-♪ Hey, man ♪

♪ Came all this way ♪

♪ Had to explain ♪

♪ Direct from Domingo ♪

♪ Kelsey's a friend ♪

♪ She's like my sis ♪

♪ But we did hook up, though ♪

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversation ]

-And welcome back.

You're watching
WANU Mid-day News.

-In just a bit,
we'll have more on

that incoming winter snowstorm.

-Get ready to bundle up,
folks, but first,

the latest on what's happening
over in Westlake.

-So sad.

Community members remain rattled
after yet another

gang-related drive-by shooting
that took place in

the 4000 block
of Reisterstown Road

late last night.

The shooting is believed
to be in connection

to last week's string
of violence in the same area.

-After questioning witnesses
and reviewing nearby

surveillance footage,
police have identified

the suspects
and located the

2018 Dodge Charger used
in last night's crime.

The suspects are believed
to be four White --

-Whoo! I know that's right.

-I'm sorry. What's going on?

-Oh, nothing.

-Yeah. Just relieved
that the police have

White-dentified the suspects.

-Mm-hmm. Exactly. Very White.

-Um, okay.

Crime is crime,
and we are all relieved.

-Oh, sure. Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah. Yeah.

-Well, it's shaping up
to be quite a busy week

for local law enforcement,

as police deliver
on their promise to crack down

on the increasing drug traffic.

-Uh-oh.
-Not drugs.

-A raid earlier this morning
uncovered a major meth ring.

-Okay. We're good.
-That's y'all for sure.

That's y'all for sure.

-In a quiet
suburban neighborhood.

-Now, you know. [ Laughs ]

-Know what?

-That they ain't one of us.
Okay?

-Well, how do you know that?

-Uh, meth, quiet. Come on now.

-All right,
let's see the picture.

-Why are you entertaining
this stupid game?

-Because we're down 2-0,
Suzanne. You want to lose?

Show the picture.

-Lose what?

Police say they are still
on the lookout for this man.

-Oh!
"Breaking Bad"-looking ass.

That's 2-0.

-All right,
all right, let me do one.

Police are looking for looters.

Huh?

You hear that?

These looters were spotted

after wildfires devastated homes
in Hunt Valley Township.

Looters.
-Okay. Just read the story.

-That's enough.

-Looks like they
stole televisions, bikes.

Who do you think that was?

What -- What color do
you think that was?

-Do your job, Dale.
-All right.

Police are on the lookout
for the alleged ringleader,

a local man named
Ethan Kapowski -- damn it.

-Ka-pow! Ka-pow!
-That's 3-0. We in yo ass.

-All right. This is childish.

It's time to take a moment
to hear from our eye in the sky,

Sheldon Holmes,
with the latest on traffic.

-Thanks, Suzanne. As usual,
we've got a bit of a lunch-hour

bottleneck situation heading
east on Route 30.

And speaking of 3-0,
get your brooms ready,

'cause it's looking like a
sweep, y'all!

-You heard? You heard!

-Fine.
Let's see about this one.

Mayhem at the barbershop.

-Aw, damn.
-No, no.

-After a customer was shot...
-Oh, Lord.

-...during an argument
over Drake and Kendrick.

-Yeah. Yeah. That's us.

Yeah. That's us. Okay. 3-1.
3-1.

-Yeah. You guys sure you don't
want to see a picture?

-Okay. Shut up, shut up.
We're still in the lead.

How about this?

Violence erupted in
the parking lot of a concert...

-I like where this is going.

-...where Shaboozey was
performing.

-Who the heck is Shaboozey?

-He's a genius,
but this sounds like us.

-When a man selling
bootleg T-shirts opened fire.

-Oh, look at that!

Buzzer beater!
That's you guys all day. 3-2.

-This is kind of fun now.
Let's keep it rolling.

A Florida middle-school teacher
has resigned after falling

in love with an eighth-grade
student --

-4-2.
-Suzanne.

Suzanne, whose team are you on?

-Okay, wait.
-Pick a different one.

-Wait. I haven't finished
reading yet.

Authorities have charged
38-year-old Lakisha Williams.

-3-3.
-Oh, what?

-3-3. Thank you,
sweet baby Lakisha.

-Lakisha, girl,
what is you doing?

-All right, all right.
3-3. Next one takes it.

-All right, I got it.

A Harford County man
has been hospitalized after

taking on a bizarre challenge
of eating raw chicken every day.

That's y'all.
-That's you guys.

-What are you talking about?
Raw food. That's y'all all day.

-Yeah, but it's chicken.

-So?

-So come on.
You guys are the chicken people.

-What?!
-Who's the chicken people?

-I mean, yes, but no.
-Okay, okay.

This is getting a little heated.

Okay, why don't we move on
to a feel-good story?

A 90-year -- 91-year-old
woman won a dance contest --

-Girl, who cares?
She don't got long left anyway.

Come on, keep it going.

-All right,
let's get back to the game.

All right. For all the marbles,
a woman is suing the state

after her adopted
pet monkey -- damn it.

-Yes. All right. Good game.

-Okay. All right.
-Good game, good game.

-And that's all the time
we have today at

WANU Mid-day News. Tune in --

-Hold on. No, no, we've still
got a few more seconds.

Real quick, do another one.

-Okay, okay.
-Guys!

-A TSA agent -- Aw, damn it.
That's us.

-Yes. We're tied again.
We're tied again.

-One more, one more, one more.
We got time for one more.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Oh, gosh.

Hi.

Maybelline's new super stay

long wear liquid lip color goes
on like a dream.

I better look in the mirror and
make sure I didn't miss any

spots.

-Wow, you look great,
Jennifer Coolidge.

-Really? Me?

I do?

-Heck, yeah, thanks to

Maybelline's long wear liquid
lip color.

-Oh. Thanks.

I've got a big date tonight, and

I'm counting on Maybelline's

liquid lip long lip to seal the
deal.

-Should we put on some more?

-Absolutely.

-Wow.
-Wow.

-Ooh.

-Oh, what are we gonna talk
about on our date?

-I don't know.

What's a good conversation
starter?

-Lemons.

-Heck, yes!

What topics should we avoid?

-Phish.

-The band or the animal?

-There's an animal called fish?

-Yeah.

What will we say if our date
asks us if we could have any

superpower?

-Crab walk.

-Now give me one.

[ Both laugh ]

-If you could meet anyone
living or dead, who would it be?

-Living.

-Wow, you can't help but sound
smart when you're wearing

Maybelline.

Let's say the name together.
-Yeah.

-Maybelline color
lip lining...

-...longer Maybelline.

-...lipper Maybelline.

Hey, I think this mirror's
smudged.

Hang on.
Let's see if this helps.

Oh!

-Oh!
-Oh, yeah!

-A little more.
-A little more.

Oh, gosh, it's so --

Oh, it tastes like soap,
doesn't it?

-Oh, yeah.
-Oh, gosh.

-All better.
-Yeah.

Got to wipe it down.

Hey, I wonder what our lips look
like from the side.

Let me fold out
this part of the mirror.

-Oh, wow!

Thank God you opened the mirror.

I've been trapped in here
for years.

-Oh, no!

-It's okay. You look great.
I'm Jennifer Coolidge.

-Yeah, we know!
-Yeah, we know!

-Hey, maybe we need more long

wear liquid lip color long
lasting mouth magic.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

-Yeah.
[ Indistinct speaking ]

-Oh. Ha!

-Here's mine. Oh.

[ Indistinct speaking ]
-There you go.

-Thank you so much.
-Yeah.

-Yeah.
-Get it right on.

-Hey, so, are we gonna kiss
this guy tonight?

-I hope so.

Hey, you need a little bit more.

Gotta really fill them out.
-Yeah.

-Alright, girls,
it's about time.

Are we ready?
-Yeah.

Oh.
-Okay.

-All thanks to
Maybelline lip lasting long lip

color ultimate plumper gloss

colored liquid lip color by
Maybelline.

Wow!

♪♪

-Okay, buona sera.
Welcome to the Palazzo.

Now, everybody going to be
a little quiet

because of the prince.

He want to say
a little something, okay?

-Grazie, Matteo.
-Oh, prego, prego.

-Now, as you all know,
it's the Renaissance,

and I love the music.

But if there was anything
that could make the music

a little more special,
I would love it even more.

-Ah, yes, and that is
why I invited the people

to come up with new ideas
for how to make the music

even more special.

-Si, Prince Enzo.

I come up with a lute,

but it got three neck

so you can really shred.

[ Lute playing ]

-Okay, okay.
Not so bad.

Not so good.

-And, Prince Enzo,

Prince Enzo.

If we could just jump in
for a second,

we would love for you to meet
our son Antonio.

-Yeah, we think you're really
gonna love our son Antonio.

He, uh -- He very special.

-Antonio, come on out.

-Well, what do
you have to say to me, Antonio?

-Oh, he a little shy,
our Antonio.

He much more comfortable
singing.

-Yeah, go ahead and sing
for Prince Enzo, Antonio.

You're gonna love this.

-[ High-pitched singing
in Italian ]

-Oh! Eh? Eh?!

-I mean,
how incredible is that?

-Wow!
That is very beautiful singing.

-And did you notice
how high his voice was?

-I did, yes.

-Yes, it was the only thing
I noticed, yes.

-Well, what if I told you that
any boy could sing like this?

All we had to do
was have him castrated.

-Sorry. What was that?

-Antonio is
what we're calling a castrato.

It's, uh --
It's a new technique

we've been experimenting with.

-Yeah, it's nothing crazy.

You just castrate
your son before the puberty

so his voice never drop.

-Wait. Explain this again.

-Okay, well, you know
how you listen to a boy sing

and you think, "Oh, he should
sing like this forever."

But then he go through the
puberty and his voice drop down

so low.

-Yeah, but for a castrato,
that never going to happen.

Show him, Antonio.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no!

-He mean show them
with a song.

-[ Singing in Italian ]

-Oh, I mean, come on.

-That is like a freaking
little angel, huh?

-We are so proud of you,
Antonio.

-So proud.

-And, uh, does the boy
like what you did to him?

-You mean the castration?

-Yes, I think you know
he mean the castration.

-I don't know
if Antonio even notice.

Do you notice the castration,
Antonio?

-Antonio, the castration,
was it fun or not so fun?

-Hmm?
Fun, not so fun?

You know, I think he
just don't like to talk.

He prefer to sing.
-Yeah.

-No, I, uh -- I think he is
staring off dead-eyed

because you cut his nuts off.

-Oh, no, no, no,
it's not like that at all.

-Yeah, we're not a monster.
We never cut off nothing.

-Oh, well, that's good.
-Yeah, yeah, we never cut.

-No.
-We just twist.

-Yeah.

You see, we twist.

-Yes, sorry, a twist?

-Si, si, si, si, si, si, si.

We just take the boy
when he 8 or 9 year old

and we put him into a --
come si dice --

opium-induced coma.

-Si, si, si.
Una opium-induced coma, yeah.

-And then we take
his little gonad

and we just give a little twist.

-Yeah.
What we do is we twist.

Like a little twist.

-And we twist and we twist
some more,

until the little gonad
basically pop right off.

-It's easy. The little gonad
yell, "I give up."

-"I give up. I don't want to be
a gonad no more."

And then, two week later,
Antonio wake up.

And he got a beautiful
high-pitched singing voice

forever, right, Antonio?

-Yep.

-Can I ask,
what did you do with the gonad

after it pop off?

-Ah, well, we put it in the
icebox in case we ever

want to reverse the operation.

-You did?

-But [Chuckles] funny story.

Uh, the dog, he learned
how to open up the icebox,

and he make a big meal
out of the gonad.

And now the dog,
he [Deep voice] bark like this.

-[Deep voice] Bark like this.

-And I have a question, as well.

-Ah, yes, Kenan.

-Um...

Does, um --

Does Antonio write
the music also?

-Ah, he does.

Antonio, you want to share
the original song you wrote

about the gonad experience?

-Sure.
♪ Come on, baby ♪

-♪ Come on, baby ♪

-♪ Twist and shout ♪
-♪ Twist and shout ♪

-♪ Come on, come on, come on,
come on, baby ♪

-♪ Come on, baby ♪

-♪ Twist it and pop it
right off ♪

-♪ Pop it right off ♪

-[ Vocalizing ]

-"Now That's-a Whatta I Call-a
the Music Where the Boys Don't

Have-a the Gonads Volume 12,"

in stores just in time
for Columbus Day.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Okay, and the final answer
in "Guess That Baby Food" is...

Gerber puree beef and ham!

-Okay, not me
actually liking it.

-Oh, that was so fun.

Okay, switching gears,

let's give a round of applause

to the MILF of the hour,
my cousin Kelsey!

-Aww! Love you, cuz.

Girl, you killed rehab.
Welcome back.

-And let's not forget about
the papa-to-be.

Kidding. Just four weeks
till we meet our little one.

-Yeah.

-I would now like to invite
up Kelsey's besties,

a.k.a. Kel Squad!

-What up?!

-Thank you. So, instead of a
gift, we're going to do

something different for y'all,
because we're a little bit

artistic
and a little bit random.

-Last month, we took Kelsey
on one last girls' trip,

a besties babymoon.

-I think the babymoon is
normally for the couple,

but, hey, I know
y'all queens got to be queens.

-Aww!

-And let's just say Kelsey was
hot to go on our vacay,

so we wrote
a special song about it.

-They say everything's bigger
in Texas.

-But Kelsey is
already F'ing huge,

so we went to Miami.

♪♪

-5, 6, 5, 6, 7, 8.

-♪ Kelsey is our bestie,
gonna be a mama ♪

-♪ So we took a trip
in my Hyundai Sonata ♪

-♪ Just 'cause you're pregnant
don't mean you're a granny ♪

-♪ Kelsey couldn't fly,
so we drove to Miami ♪

-♪ We got facials at the spa ♪

-♪ But Kelsey doesn't talk
at all ♪

-♪ We said, "Kelsey,
get off your phone" ♪

-♪ 'Cause we know
who she's texting,

know who she's texting ♪

-♪ D-O-M-I-N-G-O ♪

♪ Kelsey's texting Domingo ♪

-♪ Thought
that she forgot this dude ♪

♪ She's sending him her
pregnant nudes ♪

-Wait. What happened?
-Oh, my God!

Babe, just listen to
the whole song before

you make, like, a snap judgment.

-Okay, well,
the song just started,

and we're already at
"pregnant nudes."

-Oh, my God.

-♪ Dancing at that club,
but Kelsey's pouting ♪

-♪ Take her to the bathroom,
and she just starts shouting ♪

-♪ She says, "Eight months ago
is a little bit hazy ♪

♪ I'm 90% sure that it's not
Domingo's baby" ♪

-Wait, what?! There's a chance
this isn't even my kid?

-Babe, are you even listening?

I said it's 90% not his baby.

Trust the math.

-♪ Now we can finally see ♪

♪ Why Kelsey brought us to
Miami ♪

-♪ She has the address
of his childhood home ♪

-♪ She meets his whole family ♪

-♪ They completely embrace her ♪

-Is the point of this song
that you saw Domingo in Miami?

-No. The point is,
it is "Hot To Go."

-♪ D-O-M-I-N-G-O ♪

♪ Kelsey's learning Español ♪

♪ D-O-M-I-N-G-O ♪

♪ Spends all day on Duolingo ♪

-I knew I heard you speaking
Spanish in the bathroom.

-[ Shouts in Spanish ]

-♪ We don't know
where Kelsey's been ♪

-♪ Look her up on
Find My Friend ♪

-♪ She's standing in the ocean
like she don't give a damn ♪

-♪ Then she pulls out the
sonogram ♪

-♪ She says we came to Miami ♪

♪ Because she found
out the paternity ♪

-♪ The doctor says it is twins ♪

-♪ And one is Matthew's ♪

-♪ And one is Domingo's ♪

-That is biologically
impossible.

-Okay, miracles happen
every day.

-I'm going to ask you
a question,

and I want you
to be honest with me.

When was the last time
you saw Domingo?

-It is today.

-Domingo!

-♪ Hey, Matt, my brother,
aren't you happy? ♪

♪ Direct from Domingo,
we both are daddies ♪

♪ Domingo gonna be
in your life forever ♪

♪ We'll raise our babies
in Miami together ♪

-Wait.
We're moving to Miami?

-Yeah, if you want to
co-parent.

-Matt, can we have
a water birth?

I have a hot tub.

-5, 6, 7, 8.

-♪ D-O-M-I-N-G-O ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Yeah, so, Matthew,
I'll finish with this.

Um, it's a privilege
to be your best man,

but it's even more
of a privilege

to be your best friend.

-I love you, bro!
That's my boy right there.

-Alright,
give it up for the best man.

But we did say
no boring speeches, no shade.

Anyway, turning the attention to
my beautiful sister, the bride,

Kelsey.

-Same mom, different dads.
Love you, girl.

-I would like to invite
up Kelsey's bridesmaids,

a.k.a. the Kel Squad.

-Hey!

-Okay, so instead of a speech,
we're going to do something

different for y'all, 'cause
we're a little bit creative

and a little bit quirky.

-And we know we're not Matt's
favorite,

'cause every time
Kelsey's with us,

she low-key blacks out.

-[ Laughs ]
No, come on. I love y'all.

-But Kelsey loves her
espresso martinis.

So we wrote a special song
about our bachelorette trip.

-They say what happens
in Vegas stays in Vegas.

-But we didn't go to Vegas.

We went to Charleston.
Hit it!

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

-♪ The bridesmaids
wanted a celebration ♪

-♪ So we took a trip ♪

♪ Bachelorette vacation ♪

-♪ 'Cause we know
she needs one ♪

♪ A break from Matthew ♪

-♪ Just kidding, Matt ♪

♪ We're glad she has you ♪

-♪ We're out,
the shots are flowing, yeah ♪

♪ Guys on the dance floor,
grooving, yeah ♪

♪ We say, no, thanks,
she's taken, yeah ♪

-Whoo! Sing it!

-♪ Now she's with a hot guy,
but he looks gay ♪

♪ Heard his name's Domingo ♪

-♪ Second location ♪
♪ Maybe he's buying ♪

♪ Still dancing with Domingo ♪

-♪ Third location,
fully straight ♪

♪ Fully touching Domingo ♪

-♪ I can't wait to be his
wife ♪

♪ She's pointing to Domingo ♪

-So, quick question.

Who's Domingo?
-Just this random guy we met.

I told you about him.
-I'm positive you did not.

-♪ In the bathroom,

we take her aside ♪

♪ She says, don't worry ♪

♪ We won't cross the line ♪

-♪ Think of your fiancé ♪

♪ She says, good reminder ♪

-♪ Hands me her ring ♪

♪ Then we can't find her ♪

-You took off your ring?
Is this true?

-Well, I just didn't want to
lose it in the hot tub.

-What hot tub?

-♪ Now we're back in the
house in the hot tub ♪

♪ She's there with Domingo ♪

-♪ Asked us to leave,
get a hotel ♪

♪ She's vibing with Domingo ♪

-You asked them
to leave and get a hotel?

-Shh. You're missing it.

-♪ At the Marriott,
googling Domingo ♪

-♪ Just to make sure ♪

♪ He's not psycho ♪

-♪ But he's actually a doctor ♪

♪ And randomly a model ♪

♪ And he volunteers

with weird sick animals ♪

-Aww!

-Is the point of this song
just that Kelsey cheated

on me all weekend?

-No, the point is,
it's "Espresso."

-Have you not been listening
to the lyrics?

-That's all I'm listening to.

-♪ The next day ♪

♪ She said nothing happened ♪

-♪ They talked all night ♪

♪ About you, Matthew ♪

-♪ But then at brunch ♪

♪ She just starts crying ♪

-♪ We ask her why ♪

♪ She says, I'm just so tired ♪

-♪ We say, take a nap ♪

♪ She says, I'm not that kind
of tired ♪

-Okay, I need answers now

about you and whoever this
Domingo guy is.

And not for nothing,
but the rhyme scheme has gone

completely out the window.

-Okay, look, I'm sorry

I met someone I connected with,
but Domingo is in the past.

-Kelsey, I'm here.

-Oh, my God!

-See, now, if this is Domingo,
I'm going to be pissed.

-♪ Hey, man ♪

♪ Came all this way ♪

♪ Had to explain ♪

♪ Direct from Domingo ♪

♪ Kelsey's a friend ♪

♪ She's like my sis ♪

♪ But we did hook up, though ♪

-What?!

Why would you guys tell me
this through song?

-I hope we can still be
friends.

♪♪