HAUNTED HOUSE PARTY!!! *INTERACTIVE GAME* (START HERE)

[thunder claps]

-Why, hello boys and girls.

Sitting comfortably, I hope.

A spare set of underwear in close reach.

If not, I advise you to purchase some immediately

because you are about to hear one of the most terrifying stories ever told.

There will be no LOLs

or ROFLs,

or even ROFLMAOs,

and definitely no rides on the ROFLcopter.

One might even say that after tonight,

you will LOL no longer

for this is an interactive story of a young man,

a party, and some scary-ass shit.

So choose wisely.

Just don't choose to stop watching.

Because that is definitely the wrong choice.

[laughs sinisterly]

[wind howling]

-[whispering voice]: Come inside.

[cell phone rings]

-Hey, Lady Gaygay.

-Hey, Mom.

Just wanted to make sure you knew I got to the party safe.

-You didn't have to have, I don't know,

any problems with your [?]

-No.

-Really?

Piece of shit.

-I hear music.

Are you having a party?

-Well, Shane,

if by party, you mean a wild costume orgy with the guys from the halfway house down the street,

then yeah, havin' a party!

-What?

-Geez, Dad, don't worry, we'll use condoms.

-Okay, listen.

I won't be home late, I promise.

-Shane, do me a favor:

come home late.

Fuck it, don't come home at all.

Become one of those drifters that travel from place to place

discovering themselves,

possibly getting full-blown AIDS from all the gay sex you'll be having

with the fat homeless junkies on the streets.

-Mom, I'm not gay.

I'm just saving myself for marriage.

-Ha, yeah,

you're not gay like I'm not about to get stuffed like a turkey.

-Ugh.

-Gotta go, Shane.

All right, who wants to scoop out my giblets?

Gobble, gobble.

[bottles clink]

[rock music playing]

-Hi.

-Nice costume.

What are you supposed to be, a total loser?

-Oh, um...

I couldn't afford a costume this year,

but I like your Emo girl costume.

-I'm not Emo, I'm a princess.

Duh.

-Oh.

Sorry, I didn't see that.

-Um, it was like totally obvious.

Maybe you should just tell people that you're Helen Keller,

because you're not observant at all.

Go away.

-Don't let her get to you.

She's just depressed because the entire school

found out about her sex tape.

-Wow, must've been hot.

-No, not really.

It was more just like three minutes of,

"Oh. Oh yeah.

Wait.

No, don't stop.

Yeah, stop.

Don't touch me.

Ugh. Ugh.

I just came."

-Wow.

That sounds erotic.

I'm Shane, by the way.

-Name's Knight.

Felicia Knight.

-So, Felicia, what are you supposed to be?

-This is a warlock monster Shumshank from the Land of Lasercraft MMORP.

You play?

-Uh... yeah, totally.

They call me the king of the MMORP.

-Holy LARP.

They call me the queen.

Well, maybe later, we can swap gamer tags or, you know,

something.

-Yeah, for sure.

-Well, catch you later, Your Majesty.

-Quit moving like an idiot.

-Hey, could you help us out? We're a little stuck.

-Yeah, where's the key?

-Okay, I'm gonna preference this by saying we are not gay.

The key is in my ass.

-What?

-Einstein here thought it would be fun to play keep-away with my cup key,

so I handcuffed myself to him and,

by then, it was already up his poo-chute.

-Are you gonna fish the key out of my ass or what?

-You know what?

I'm gonna go get some punch.

[funky music plays] -Oh, this is my jam.

-I hate you so much right now.

-I can't get no

Satisfaction

-Oh, nice costume.

-Thanks, I made it myself.

-Wait a minute.

Are you supposed to be that blonde chick that

she's on the Internet, she talks about technology?

-Yeah, well actually...

-Man, that chick is so annoying.

Oh, always in front of the Apple store doing her stupid little dances.

It's like, come on, you fucking idiot.

Nobody likes you, give up!

"Look at me, look at me, I'm pretty and blonde.

Blah, blah, blah.

Steve Jobs this, Steve Jobs that."

[groans]

-[chuckles nervously]

Um, totally.

-Oh, good one.

You're definitely the winner here.

I can't get no, der ner ner

No no no

Hey, crazy party right?

-Yeah, tons of slutty girls.

[electronic dance music playing]

-I mean, that girl in the cheerleader costume is kind of slutting it up for the whole party right?

-Yeah, you mean my girlf--

You call my girlfriend a slut?

-No.

-My girlfriend is not a slut.

She is a real lady.

She's like Mother Teresa, but younger.

-Dude look, I was trying to fit in.

-Well, you're about to fit in...

with my fists.

[others chanting "Fight!"]

[all scream]

-[whispering voice]: You're all gonna die.

-[gasping]

What was that?

-I don't know.

-It just came out of nowhere,

like ghost magic or something.

-Okay, we should probably ask whoever invited us what that was.

Does nobody know who invited you?

-Yeah, well who invited you?

-Nobody.

I saw it on a bulletin post on MySpace.

-You still use MySpace?

That's so lame, it almost cancels itself out and becomes cool again,

but not quite.

-Die!

-Guys!

-Oh, look, it's a puppy. How cute.

-[scoffs] We turned around for this--

[dramatic music plays]

-Oh, my God.

Should we save her?

Captioned by SpongeSebastian