Spalding Gray segment from Swimming to Cambodia (1987)

(audience laughter)

Spalding: Let's go get something to eat.

The next day off there was no doubting
where we were going!

Down to Caron Beach it was fantastic.

Ivan passed me a tie stick,
I took a few tokes,

I didn't care if my Kundalini got loose on the
beach and went wild!

Even ran away and never
wanted to see it again.

A little mild paranoia came over me.

Where to hid my money this time?

I began to dig holes in sand.

Then I thought "no, under the rubber mat
in the truck!"

Then I thought, "You know Spalding,
thinking this much about putting your-

hiding your money is putting out waves
that ties can read.

Let them have it.

Leave it on the beach, where any one
can take it!"

By now Ivan is out in the high waves going,
"Spalding man!

You don't know when to be a man yet man,
until you get out in a big waves man!"

And I thought, "I'm going to be a man
today if it kills me!"

And I'm starting out a little further and
a little further,

and I'm seeing hallucinations of gray
sharks all around me.

And every time I think of a shark biting
me, I feel all the anxiety come together

in my stomach and come out the top of
my head in a gray, gray arrow

that lands on my money!

And every time I think about being
bitten by a shark I think of my money

being stolen, and suddenly I have no fear!

And I'm getting further and further out
in that ocean.

And further and further out until I'm
further out in in that ocean than I've

ever been in any ocean in my life.

I am beyond Ivan, even!

I can tell I'm further out
because of the view of the shore.

I've never had a view like that before.

And suddenly there is no fear because
there is no body to bite.

There are no more outlines, there is no
mean, there's this great body temperature

Indian ocean, this great warm Indian ocean.

With this smiling bobbling, pumpkin head
perceiver on top.

And up the ocean goes and up the
perceiver goes.

And down the ocean goes and down the
perceiver goes.

And a wall of water comes up the perceiver
and the perceiver looks both ways.

It could be in the middle of the Indian
ocean, no land in site.

And warm water goes down and lifts the
perceiver and the perceiver looks down

a great bank of water.

Far below, John Swane and Judy Arthur.

Body surfing like a Hawaiian
travel poster.

And warm water lifts the perceiver and
suddenly a human voice wakes it and

brings it back in time.

It's Ivan calling "Spalding, man!

Come back, come back!

I haven't tested those waters yet!"

And boom!

[Yelling]

And back in time, back in fear,
and I-

I'm swimming into Ivan, water pouring
through my nose,

saying it was fantastic, Ivan I mean it
was a perfect moment.

It was fantastic!

And he says "Spalding I have to go out
and test those waters."

Now he swims out to where I was, and he
comes back with water pouring through

his nose going "Spalding, Spalding
I almost drowned man!

I came this close to drowning, now I know
the experience of drowning, man!"

And I thought, "Oh, shit."

"Now I'm going to have to go out and
almost drown."

I'll be damned if I get caught in this
male competitive trap.

I know what Ivan's idea of a perfect
moment is.

It's death.

[Gentle ocean noises]

So having had my perfect moment,
I swam in-