How to Reconcile Differences in a Marriage

<How To Reconcile Differences
in a Marriage>

(Questioner) I'm getting freer
than before by watching your video.

Thank you so much
but I still have a long way to be free.

So I have a question about that.
So with my wife, I have a really different about perspective and opinion and also about the priority in the life.

For example, she want me to clean
something right away

but I don't want to clean that right away
because I have a priority like I have to do the deiches or something others.

my question is, should I have to fit in because I asked a lot of people who already marriage it and spent a lot of time and they said you have to fit in because or if other persons don't have a bill to fit in.

So that's my question and actually my feeling is I feel bad that she doesn't care about this point because I'm kind of delicate and considerate but she's like a general so she don't think much I think a lot about the life or everything.
So

oh, and one thing I want to mention is it's like marriage so we have to have a consensus in a way almost everywhere.

So I just want to let her just being that way but we have to make a consensus in everything.
So that's my question. So we have a different perspective and how can I handle this?

(Sunim) If you were to get your way and not clean, I mean you might feel better about it but the house is going to be dirty.

That is not beneficial
for the education of your children.

So in a way, if she's good at cleaning, although I'm not as good or as motivated, that's a good thing.

So you just feel grateful for it.

If she didn't ask you to clean,
then it's a good thing, right?

so just follow whatever she tells.

Like your friend said just follow
what your wife tells you ,basically

The problem is, if you continue following
and doing everything your wife tells you, you'll end up stressed.

If you're really grateful and appreciate
how great she is at cleaning,

then you just say I'm sorry,
but still hold that gratitude.

It's the best way for you
not to get stressed out.

But at the same time,
you feel that insistence that you're right,

it's not that important,

so why get upset or obsessed
with cleaning and stress yourself out?

In the end, getting stressed out is
actually worse than keeping a clean house.

In that sense,
don't listen to your wife

because it's more important
for you not to get stressed.

In that sense, the consequences is that
you have to listen to her negging.

The question shouldn't be,
"Way is she nagging me?"

You need to understand that
she has the right to nag,

so all you can do is apologize.

That's how you should deal with the situation

If at all possible, the best solution is to listen to her but since you're not a slave, you can't listen to everything she tells you.
Sometimes you can actually do what you want

but when you do that, you just apologize to your wife I'm sorry and then you do what you want.

For example, we have a different opinion about like she really loves to go vacation but I don't want to go and I just want to stay home.
So I think there's no good or bad in this situation.
So how can we decide about this one?

So if you want to stay married, it probably better for you to listen to your wife

but if that's too hard, you can get divorced.
A difficult thing. If you get divorced, you're just back to square one because you were never married in the first place before you got married.

So being married is about kind of compromising and kind of fitting your different perspectives with each other.
I mean that's the process of marriage right

so it's not, you know, two people who fully agree on everything getting together, living together it's two different people who don't agree on everything coming together and learning how to compromise and just step back and just listen and look at how people's relationships are.

When we meet strangers, we don't expect that they'll be the same as us.
You end up saying oh, and you start talking to a stranger and you go, oh, he's Korean too and you feel a little closeness and then you're both Christians you find out so you have a little more in common

and then you find out you're from the same hometown, same region so you become a little closer and so you ask for each other's hobbies and hobbies are similar too.

So the more commonalities you have, the more friendly you

and that relationship may advance so that you become lovers or you get married.

You know, it's kind of fun when you think how your brain functions.

So when you actually see find out you have 123 or 10 things in common or 20 things in common your brain automatically goes forward and makes the assumption that everything is the same, that you have everything and so you get married.
But when you live together then you start realizing that you have things that's different that's not in you have different ideas of cleanliness that's how spicy your food should be.
Then you start kind of finding what you're different from

and then your brain automatically assumes the opposite that we have nothing in we, our personality we just don't like the same thing

in Mosargeta

we can't live together. So that's why you get separated

because you got married because you found a lot of things in common.

So after you get divorced after a while, when you start dating again, you start realizing maybe there was a mistake

while you dated for a short time or you marry somebody after dating for a long time the actual marriage itself living in a marriage relationship is not that different.

Of course, you might have less in common with a person you only dated for a short time.

But since your brain hasn't really made that assumption that you're all the same, you have share everything in common you actually start finding things more in common as you live together in marriage

in a way it's expectation management because you have lower expectations and you're not as disappointed.
But after going through a lot of review process, dating for a long time, then your expectation is already super high.

Once you actually get into a marriage, live together then you realize that the actual marriage itself is lower.
Then your disappointment gets relatively larger.

Whether you marry a stranger off the street or marry somebody who dated for 10 years, marriage is not that different.

In the olden days, nobody actually saw each other before they got married and you didn't see a lot of divorce.

But these days you actually date for a long time and even live together before actually deciding to get married.
Yet the divorce rate is sky high.

Marriage is all about knowing that you are different than you are actually coming together in a conference.
And what's the easiest way to compromise?

The easiest way to compromise is for you to give it because you can decide to give it.
What's the most difficult to force the other to actually follow your desires and wants in that sense it's not really up to you it's up to the other person to actually adhere to your preferences.

But most of the times I see everybody chooses the most difficult way, not the easiest way.

Spiritual practice is all about following the easiest path.

Since you chose the most difficult path, obviously you're going to be stressed.
So I want you to live with that stress.