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MAKE UR *UGLY* FRIEND *HOT*!!!!?

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    -You're watching Shane Dawson & Friends
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    Where the excitement never ends
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    So open your ears, sit down, and relax
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    Or Shanaynay will bust a f--king cap in your ass
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    [gunshot]
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    -Hey, what's up, you guys?
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    Welcome to Episode 2 of Shane & Friends,
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    the show I do once a month where all the characters have their own little segments.
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    So have fun and I will see you later for the question of the week.
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    -These are Shanaynay'z Tipz, motherf--ker
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    -Hey, guttersluts and bubble-butts.
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    I am here with Kristen,
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    she is back from the dead to be with us today.
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    No seriously, she actually died in the hospital from inhaling too many Sharpie fumes
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    and getting a staff infection on her face from the lightning bolt I burned in.
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    But she's back.
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    Now I am here to talk about a problem I am sure a lot of you guys have.
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    What do you do when your best friend is unattractive
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    and gives off that lesbian vibe that scares the mens away?
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    I have been dealing with this for--how long have we known each other?
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    -A week.
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    -Feels like a lifetime, Katey.
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    -It's Kristen.
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    -No, it's Katey, I'm changing it.
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    See, Kristen kind of sounds like a carpet-muncher name.
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    Now, I see a lot of potential when I look at Miss Katey.
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    You know, kind of like Snooki from the Jersey Shore.
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    I'm sure underneath all that orange and fake donkey hair
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    and self-tanner and open sores,
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    there's some kind of a halfway-decent attractive-looking broad-shouldered manly woman.
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    So I have three tips to make your BFF go from "oof!" to "meh."
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    Step #1: Get her lips done!
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    Now, I like to use this extra-thick duct tape I got from the beauty department of my local Home Depot.
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    Perfect.
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    Now she can't scare away the mens with her man-breath.
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    Step #2: Make her pathetic and have people feel bad for her.
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    I like to do this by injecting her with a shot full of hepatitis.
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    The reason I do this,
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    it'll make her sick enough where she's constantly knocking on death's door,
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    but still well enough to live her everyday life and drive me around since I don't have a license.
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    Here comes Dr. Shanaynay.
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    -[groaning in agony]
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    -If it burns like a motherfucker, that means it's working.
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    Now step 3: a beauty mask.
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    Now this a brand-new technology that'll make Katey look 10 times better to the public.
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    Ooh, who's that?
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    So Miss America's Next Top Model, how do you feel?
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    -[groans]
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    -Oop, can't hear you.
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    Let me stab in an air hole.
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    Oops, went too deep.
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    [body thuds]
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    Step #4: Get a new friend!
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    -This S-Deezy's G-Spot
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    You better take his advice or yo' ass will get shot
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    -Yo, welcome to the G-Spot, ladies and gentlemen.
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    You may be noticing I'm being classy today.
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    That's because today's episode is about how to treat a woman right during dinner.
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    Because it's not about sex all the time right?
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    [laughs] No, but seriously.
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    So I found a really classy bitch on craigslist.com.
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    Bring her out.
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    Yo, this is Daphne.
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    She's a stripper,
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    but she's in school to be a Scientologist.
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    -Mm-hmm.
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    -Told you she was classy.
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    All right, Daf-daf,
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    you want a beer, girl?
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    Would you like me to crack this shit open with my teeth?
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    -That's all right, Deezy, I got it.
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    [pop!]
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    -Damn, I told you this bitch was classy. Whoo!
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    -I just want to say that this is so amazing.
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    A guy like you is so rare these days, Deezy,
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    you are a real gentleman.
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    -Ugh...
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    -What's wrong, Deezy?
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    -[groans]
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    -Deezy?
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    -Ooh, Squirtle!
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    -Did you just cum, Deezy?
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    -Why the fuck did I cum from being called a gentleman?
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    -Ugh, I am disgusted with you!
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    How dare you ejaculate in front of me
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    and before dinner? Agh!
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    -What?
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    You cannot talk to me like that.
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    You're the one cracking beers open on your pussy lips
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    like you got Julia Robert's mouth down there just...[growls]
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    [gunshot]
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    I don't need you, bitch.
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    [gunshot]
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    -Oh my, oh my, oh my, God
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    Oh my, It's Ask Paris
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    -Dear Paris,
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    I just started high school as a freshman Monday.
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    Do you have any advice?
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    -Never joke about blowing up the school,
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    because you are way too creepy for them not to believe you.
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    -Dear Paris,
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    I was wondering, how does it feel to be the prettiest girl on this planet?
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    -Thank you, black person with camera way too close to your face.
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    It's fucking awesome.
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    -Dear Paris,
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    can you give me some advice on how to get a guy to like you?
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    -I don't know what you're talking about,
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    because you obviously have an abusive boyfriend.
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    I mean, two black eyes?
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    Call the cops.
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    -It's Ask Paris
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    -[laughs]
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    Seriously, your eye makeup is eww.
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    -If your life is a major bum
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    Get some Wisdom from Shane's Mom
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    -It's important to give those who fuck with you a taste of their own medicine.
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    For my medicine, I like to take a cow and shove it in my vagina.
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    Then I do some kegel squeezes and fill it up with my woman juices.
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    Then I slap him in the face with it.
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    Nothing burns more than a pussy-slap.
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    Nothing.
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    See ya later, faggots!
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    -Aunt Hilda's Home and Garden Show
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    -Oh, hi, little drunken mistakes.
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    Today, I'm gonna show you how to make your plants go from this...
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    to this.
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    All you need to do is show these babies some TLC.
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    No, not tender loving care, you pussy-fag.
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    Tequila, limes, and crap.
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    I know what you're thinking.
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    Hilda, I'm trying to revive a plant,
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    not make a viral Japanese porn.
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    But trust me, these ingredients are good for both.
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    All right, let's get this plant drunk as a Hilton sister, shall we?
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    Pretend like it's Mel Gibson,
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    except it doesn't hate Jews and call you sugertits.
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    Although, I wish it did.
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    I wish it did.
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    Now it's time to squeeze on some lime.
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    You gotta balance out the booze.
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    I mean, even though it's drunk and dead,
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    it still has a chance of coming back, unlike Lindsay Lohan.
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    What?
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    She's not dead yet?
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    Shut the fuck up.
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    Is it Opposite Day?
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    It's not?
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    Wow, how many lives does that cat have, right?
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    And now it's time for my secret ingredient:
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    crap.
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    Now I know what you're thinking.
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    Hilda, that's not secret,
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    everybody uses fertilizer, which is true.
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    But does everybody use human fertilizer?
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    That's right, this is my shit.
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    I took it five minutes ago.
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    Still hot and steamy like a cookie out of the oven.
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    After you smear the shit on your plant,
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    wait 24 hours and it will look like this.
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    Beautiful.
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    [sniffs]
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    Eww, smells horrible.
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    Perfect.
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    Now, give it as a gift to somebody you fucking hate.
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    This'll make their entire house smell like a toilet and they won't know why.
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    I love re-gifting.
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    Bye!
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    -Now it's time for Shane's Question of the Day
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    -All right, you guys,
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    last time I asked you describe yourself in one word.
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    And here's a few of my favorites.
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    This week, my question is,
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    if you were an animal, which animal would you be?
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    And don't be afraid to make up animals.
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    I'd be a mix of a panda bear, a giraffe, and a T-rex.
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    Some kind of a Girrandasaurus rex.
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    Pandasaurus affe?
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    Whatever it'd be called, it'd be friggin' awesome.
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    All right you guys,
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    leave your comments or video responses in my crotch and you could win...
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    one of my shirts from Hot Topic, yay.
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    Then you wouldn't have to go to the store to get it,
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    because that store's creepy.
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    I'm just kidding.
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    Ooh, by the way, I did a video with Take180 where I play Hernonny.
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    Hernonny? Hermione?
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    Hernonna?
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    The lesbian looking bitch from Harry Potter.
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    I don't know her name.
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    All right, you guys, I will see you next Saturday
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    and next month will be another Shane & Friends.
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    And now this video will self-destruct.
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    [explosion]
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    -Got a little advice from Shane & Friends
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    Hit the thumbs up button
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    Or Shanaynay will f--king kill you
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    Captioned by SpongeSebastian
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    -Oops. Went too deep.
Title:
MAKE UR *UGLY* FRIEND *HOT*!!!!?
Video Language:
English
Duration:
08:22
Sebastian Andrade-Miles edited English subtitles for MAKE UR *UGLY* FRIEND *HOT*!!!!?
Sebastian Andrade-Miles edited English subtitles for MAKE UR *UGLY* FRIEND *HOT*!!!!?

English subtitles

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