MAKE UR *UGLY* FRIEND *HOT*!!!!?

-You're watching Shane Dawson & Friends

Where the excitement never ends

So open your ears, sit down, and relax

Or Shanaynay will bust a f--king cap in your ass

[gunshot]

-Hey, what's up, you guys?

Welcome to Episode 2 of Shane & Friends,

the show I do once a month where all the characters have their own little segments.

So have fun and I will see you later for the question of the week.

-These are Shanaynay'z Tipz, motherf--ker

-Hey, guttersluts and bubble-butts.

I am here with Kristen,

she is back from the dead to be with us today.

No seriously, she actually died in the hospital from inhaling too many Sharpie fumes

and getting a staff infection on her face from the lightning bolt I burned in.

But she's back.

Now I am here to talk about a problem I am sure a lot of you guys have.

What do you do when your best friend is unattractive

and gives off that lesbian vibe that scares the mens away?

I have been dealing with this for--how long have we known each other?

-A week.

-Feels like a lifetime, Katey.

-It's Kristen.

-No, it's Katey, I'm changing it.

See, Kristen kind of sounds like a carpet-muncher name.

Now, I see a lot of potential when I look at Miss Katey.

You know, kind of like Snooki from the Jersey Shore.

I'm sure underneath all that orange and fake donkey hair

and self-tanner and open sores,

there's some kind of a halfway-decent attractive-looking broad-shouldered manly woman.

So I have three tips to make your BFF go from "oof!" to "meh."

Step #1: Get her lips done!

Now, I like to use this extra-thick duct tape I got from the beauty department of my local Home Depot.

Perfect.

Now she can't scare away the mens with her man-breath.

Step #2: Make her pathetic and have people feel bad for her.

I like to do this by injecting her with a shot full of hepatitis.

The reason I do this,

it'll make her sick enough where she's constantly knocking on death's door,

but still well enough to live her everyday life and drive me around since I don't have a license.

Here comes Dr. Shanaynay.

-[groaning in agony]

-If it burns like a motherfucker, that means it's working.

Now step 3: a beauty mask.

Now this a brand-new technology that'll make Katey look 10 times better to the public.

Ooh, who's that?

So Miss America's Next Top Model, how do you feel?

-[groans]

-Oop, can't hear you.

Let me stab in an air hole.

Oops, went too deep.

[body thuds]

Step #4: Get a new friend!

-This S-Deezy's G-Spot

You better take his advice or yo' ass will get shot

-Yo, welcome to the G-Spot, ladies and gentlemen.

You may be noticing I'm being classy today.

That's because today's episode is about how to treat a woman right during dinner.

Because it's not about sex all the time right?

[laughs] No, but seriously.

So I found a really classy bitch on craigslist.com.

Bring her out.

Yo, this is Daphne.

She's a stripper,

but she's in school to be a Scientologist.

-Mm-hmm.

-Told you she was classy.

All right, Daf-daf,

you want a beer, girl?

Would you like me to crack this shit open with my teeth?

-That's all right, Deezy, I got it.

[pop!]

-Damn, I told you this bitch was classy. Whoo!

-I just want to say that this is so amazing.

A guy like you is so rare these days, Deezy,

you are a real gentleman.

-Ugh...

-What's wrong, Deezy?

-[groans]

-Deezy?

-Ooh, Squirtle!

-Did you just cum, Deezy?

-Why the fuck did I cum from being called a gentleman?

-Ugh, I am disgusted with you!

How dare you ejaculate in front of me

and before dinner? Agh!

-What?

You cannot talk to me like that.

You're the one cracking beers open on your pussy lips

like you got Julia Robert's mouth down there just...[growls]

[gunshot]

I don't need you, bitch.

[gunshot]

-Oh my, oh my, oh my, God

Oh my, It's Ask Paris

-Dear Paris,

I just started high school as a freshman Monday.

Do you have any advice?

-Never joke about blowing up the school,

because you are way too creepy for them not to believe you.

-Dear Paris,

I was wondering, how does it feel to be the prettiest girl on this planet?

-Thank you, black person with camera way too close to your face.

It's fucking awesome.

-Dear Paris,

can you give me some advice on how to get a guy to like you?

-I don't know what you're talking about,

because you obviously have an abusive boyfriend.

I mean, two black eyes?

Call the cops.

-It's Ask Paris

-[laughs]

Seriously, your eye makeup is eww.

-If your life is a major bum

Get some Wisdom from Shane's Mom

-It's important to give those who fuck with you a taste of their own medicine.

For my medicine, I like to take a cow and shove it in my vagina.

Then I do some kegel squeezes and fill it up with my woman juices.

Then I slap him in the face with it.

Nothing burns more than a pussy-slap.

Nothing.

See ya later, faggots!

-Aunt Hilda's Home and Garden Show

-Oh, hi, little drunken mistakes.

Today, I'm gonna show you how to make your plants go from this...

to this.

All you need to do is show these babies some TLC.

No, not tender loving care, you pussy-fag.

Tequila, limes, and crap.

I know what you're thinking.

Hilda, I'm trying to revive a plant,

not make a viral Japanese porn.

But trust me, these ingredients are good for both.

All right, let's get this plant drunk as a Hilton sister, shall we?

Pretend like it's Mel Gibson,

except it doesn't hate Jews and call you sugertits.

Although, I wish it did.

I wish it did.

Now it's time to squeeze on some lime.

You gotta balance out the booze.

I mean, even though it's drunk and dead,

it still has a chance of coming back, unlike Lindsay Lohan.

What?

She's not dead yet?

Shut the fuck up.

Is it Opposite Day?

It's not?

Wow, how many lives does that cat have, right?

And now it's time for my secret ingredient:

crap.

Now I know what you're thinking.

Hilda, that's not secret,

everybody uses fertilizer, which is true.

But does everybody use human fertilizer?

That's right, this is my shit.

I took it five minutes ago.

Still hot and steamy like a cookie out of the oven.

After you smear the shit on your plant,

wait 24 hours and it will look like this.

Beautiful.

[sniffs]

Eww, smells horrible.

Perfect.

Now, give it as a gift to somebody you fucking hate.

This'll make their entire house smell like a toilet and they won't know why.

I love re-gifting.

Bye!

-Now it's time for Shane's Question of the Day

-All right, you guys,

last time I asked you describe yourself in one word.

And here's a few of my favorites.

This week, my question is,

if you were an animal, which animal would you be?

And don't be afraid to make up animals.

I'd be a mix of a panda bear, a giraffe, and a T-rex.

Some kind of a Girrandasaurus rex.

Pandasaurus affe?

Whatever it'd be called, it'd be friggin' awesome.

All right you guys,

leave your comments or video responses in my crotch and you could win...

one of my shirts from Hot Topic, yay.

Then you wouldn't have to go to the store to get it,

because that store's creepy.

I'm just kidding.

Ooh, by the way, I did a video with Take180 where I play Hernonny.

Hernonny? Hermione?

Hernonna?

The lesbian looking bitch from Harry Potter.

I don't know her name.

All right, you guys, I will see you next Saturday

and next month will be another Shane & Friends.

And now this video will self-destruct.

[explosion]

-Got a little advice from Shane & Friends

Hit the thumbs up button

Or Shanaynay will f--king kill you

Captioned by SpongeSebastian

-Oops. Went too deep.