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-You're watching Shane Dawson & Friends
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Where the excitement never ends
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So open your ears, sit down, and relax
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Or Shanaynay will bust a f--king cap in your ass
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[gunshot]
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-Hey, what's up, you guys?
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Welcome to Episode 2 of Shane & Friends,
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the show I do once a month where all the characters have their own little segments.
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So have fun and I will see you later for the question of the week.
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-These are Shanaynay'z Tipz, motherf--ker
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-Hey, guttersluts and bubble-butts.
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I am here with Kristen,
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she is back from the dead to be with us today.
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No seriously, she actually died in the hospital from inhaling too many Sharpie fumes
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and getting a staff infection on her face from the lightning bolt I burned in.
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But she's back.
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Now I am here to talk about a problem I am sure a lot of you guys have.
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What do you do when your best friend is unattractive
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and gives off that lesbian vibe that scares the mens away?
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I have been dealing with this for--how long have we known each other?
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-A week.
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-Feels like a lifetime, Katey.
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-It's Kristen.
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-No, it's Katey, I'm changing it.
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See, Kristen kind of sounds like a carpet-muncher name.
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Now, I see a lot of potential when I look at Miss Katey.
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You know, kind of like Snooki from the Jersey Shore.
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I'm sure underneath all that orange and fake donkey hair
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and self-tanner and open sores,
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there's some kind of a halfway-decent attractive-looking broad-shouldered manly woman.
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So I have three tips to make your BFF go from "oof!" to "meh."
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Step #1: Get her lips done!
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Now, I like to use this extra-thick duct tape I got from the beauty department of my local Home Depot.
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Perfect.
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Now she can't scare away the mens with her man-breath.
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Step #2: Make her pathetic and have people feel bad for her.
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I like to do this by injecting her with a shot full of hepatitis.
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The reason I do this,
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it'll make her sick enough where she's constantly knocking on death's door,
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but still well enough to live her everyday life and drive me around since I don't have a license.
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Here comes Dr. Shanaynay.
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-[groaning in agony]
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-If it burns like a motherfucker, that means it's working.
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Now step 3: a beauty mask.
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Now this a brand-new technology that'll make Katey look 10 times better to the public.
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Ooh, who's that?
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So Miss America's Next Top Model, how do you feel?
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-[groans]
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-Oop, can't hear you.
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Let me stab in an air hole.
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Oops, went too deep.
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[body thuds]
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Step #4: Get a new friend!
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-This S-Deezy's G-Spot
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You better take his advice or yo' ass will get shot
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-Yo, welcome to the G-Spot, ladies and gentlemen.
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You may be noticing I'm being classy today.
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That's because today's episode is about how to treat a woman right during dinner.
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Because it's not about sex all the time right?
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[laughs] No, but seriously.
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So I found a really classy bitch on craigslist.com.
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Bring her out.
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Yo, this is Daphne.
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She's a stripper,
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but she's in school to be a Scientologist.
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-Mm-hmm.
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-Told you she was classy.
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All right, Daf-daf,
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you want a beer, girl?
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Would you like me to crack this shit open with my teeth?
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-That's all right, Deezy, I got it.
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[pop!]
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-Damn, I told you this bitch was classy. Whoo!
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-I just want to say that this is so amazing.
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A guy like you is so rare these days, Deezy,
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you are a real gentleman.
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-Ugh...
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-What's wrong, Deezy?
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-[groans]
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-Deezy?
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-Ooh, Squirtle!
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-Did you just cum, Deezy?
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-Why the fuck did I cum from being called a gentleman?
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-Ugh, I am disgusted with you!
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How dare you ejaculate in front of me
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and before dinner? Agh!
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-What?
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You cannot talk to me like that.
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You're the one cracking beers open on your pussy lips
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like you got Julia Robert's mouth down there just...[growls]
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[gunshot]
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I don't need you, bitch.
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[gunshot]
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-Oh my, oh my, oh my, God
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Oh my, It's Ask Paris
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-Dear Paris,
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I just started high school as a freshman Monday.
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Do you have any advice?
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-Never joke about blowing up the school,
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because you are way too creepy for them not to believe you.
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-Dear Paris,
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I was wondering, how does it feel to be the prettiest girl on this planet?
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-Thank you, black person with camera way too close to your face.
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It's fucking awesome.
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-Dear Paris,
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can you give me some advice on how to get a guy to like you?
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-I don't know what you're talking about,
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because you obviously have an abusive boyfriend.
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I mean, two black eyes?
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Call the cops.
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-It's Ask Paris
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-[laughs]
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Seriously, your eye makeup is eww.
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-If your life is a major bum
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Get some Wisdom from Shane's Mom
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-It's important to give those who fuck with you a taste of their own medicine.
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For my medicine, I like to take a cow and shove it in my vagina.
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Then I do some kegel squeezes and fill it up with my woman juices.
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Then I slap him in the face with it.
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Nothing burns more than a pussy-slap.
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Nothing.
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See ya later, faggots!
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-Aunt Hilda's Home and Garden Show
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-Oh, hi, little drunken mistakes.
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Today, I'm gonna show you how to make your plants go from this...
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to this.
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All you need to do is show these babies some TLC.
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No, not tender loving care, you pussy-fag.
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Tequila, limes, and crap.
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I know what you're thinking.
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Hilda, I'm trying to revive a plant,
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not make a viral Japanese porn.
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But trust me, these ingredients are good for both.
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All right, let's get this plant drunk as a Hilton sister, shall we?
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Pretend like it's Mel Gibson,
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except it doesn't hate Jews and call you sugertits.
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Although, I wish it did.
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I wish it did.
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Now it's time to squeeze on some lime.
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You gotta balance out the booze.
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I mean, even though it's drunk and dead,
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it still has a chance of coming back, unlike Lindsay Lohan.
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What?
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She's not dead yet?
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Shut the fuck up.
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Is it Opposite Day?
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It's not?
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Wow, how many lives does that cat have, right?
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And now it's time for my secret ingredient:
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crap.
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Now I know what you're thinking.
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Hilda, that's not secret,
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everybody uses fertilizer, which is true.
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But does everybody use human fertilizer?
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That's right, this is my shit.
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I took it five minutes ago.
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Still hot and steamy like a cookie out of the oven.
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After you smear the shit on your plant,
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wait 24 hours and it will look like this.
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Beautiful.
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[sniffs]
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Eww, smells horrible.
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Perfect.
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Now, give it as a gift to somebody you fucking hate.
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This'll make their entire house smell like a toilet and they won't know why.
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I love re-gifting.
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Bye!
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-Now it's time for Shane's Question of the Day
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-All right, you guys,
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last time I asked you describe yourself in one word.
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And here's a few of my favorites.
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This week, my question is,
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if you were an animal, which animal would you be?
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And don't be afraid to make up animals.
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I'd be a mix of a panda bear, a giraffe, and a T-rex.
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Some kind of a Girrandasaurus rex.
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Pandasaurus affe?
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Whatever it'd be called, it'd be friggin' awesome.
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All right you guys,
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leave your comments or video responses in my crotch and you could win...
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one of my shirts from Hot Topic, yay.
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Then you wouldn't have to go to the store to get it,
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because that store's creepy.
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I'm just kidding.
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Ooh, by the way, I did a video with Take180 where I play Hernonny.
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Hernonny? Hermione?
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Hernonna?
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The lesbian looking bitch from Harry Potter.
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I don't know her name.
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All right, you guys, I will see you next Saturday
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and next month will be another Shane & Friends.
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And now this video will self-destruct.
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[explosion]
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-Got a little advice from Shane & Friends
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Hit the thumbs up button
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Or Shanaynay will f--king kill you
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Captioned by SpongeSebastian
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-Oops. Went too deep.