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SNL’s First Episode with Host George Carlin and Musical Guest Billy Preston and Janis Ian

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    [ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]
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    >> GOOD EVENING.
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    >> GOOD EVENING.
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    >> GOOD EVENING.
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    >> GOOD EVENING.
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    GOOD EVENING.
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    >> WELL, LET'S BEGIN.
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    REPEAT AFTER ME.
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    "I WOULD LIKE..."
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    >> I WOULD LIKE...
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    >> "...TO FEED YOUR
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    FINGERTIPS..."
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    >> ...TO FEED YOUR FINGERTIPS...
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    >> "...TO THE WOLVERINES."
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    >> ...TO THE WOLVERINES.
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    >> NEXT -- "I AM AFRAID..."
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    >> I AM AFRAID...
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    >> "...WE ARE OUT..."
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    >> ...WE ARE OUT...
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    >> "...OF BADGERS."
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    >> ...OF BADGERS.
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    >> "WOULD YOU ACCEPT..."
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    >> WOULD YOU ACCEPT...
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    >> "...A WOLVERINE..."
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    >> ...A WOLVERINE...
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    >> "...IN ITS PLACE?"
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    >> ...IN ITS PLACE?
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    NEXT -- "'HEY!,' NED EXCLAIMED."
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    >> "HEY!," NED EXCLAIMED.
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    >> "'LET'S BOIL...'"
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    >> "LET'S BOIL..."
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    >> "'...THE WOLVERINES.'"
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    >> "...THE WOLVERINES."
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    >> NEXT -- [ GASPS ]
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    >> [ GASPS ]
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    [ LAUGHTER ]
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    >> LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
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    "SATURDAY NIGHT"!
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    [ BAND PLAYS ]
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    >> Announcer: STARRING...
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    THE NOT-FOR-READY-PRIMETIME
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    PLAYERS...
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    AND COMEDIANS...
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    LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
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    GEORGE CARLIN!
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    [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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    >> TALK ABOUT A LIVE SHOW.
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    WOW.
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    NICE TO SEE YOU.
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    WELCOME, AND THANKS FOR JOINING
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    US LIVE.
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    KIND OF GLAD THAT WE'RE ON AT
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    NIGHT SO THAT WE'RE NOT
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    COMPETING WITH ALL THE FOOTBALL
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    AND BASEBALL GAMES.
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    SO MANY, MAN.
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    ALL THE TIME.
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    AND THIS IS THE TIME OF YEAR
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    WHEN THERE'S BOTH, YOU KNOW?
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    FOOTBALL'S KIND OF NICE.
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    THEY CHANGED IT A LITTLE BIT.
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    THEY MOVED THE HASH MARKS IN.
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    GUYS FOUND THEM AND SMOKED THEM
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    ANYWAY.
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    [ LAUGHTER ]
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    BUT, YOU KNOW, FOOTBALL WANTS TO
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    BE THE NUMBER-ONE SPORT,
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    NATIONAL PASTIME, AND I THINK IT
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    ALREADY IS, REALLY, BECAUSE
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    FOOTBALL REPRESENTS SOMETHING WE
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    ARE.
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    WE ARE EUROPE JR.
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    WHEN YOU GET RIGHT DOWN TO IT,
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    WE'RE EUROPE JR.
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    WE PLAY THE EUROPE GAME.
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    WHAT WAS THE EUROPE GAME?
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    "LET'S TAKE THEIR LAND AWAY FROM
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    THEM!
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    YOU'LL BE THE PINK, WE'LL BE
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    BLUE, AND THEY'LL BE THE GREEN."
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    GROUND ACQUISITION.
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    AND THAT'S WHAT FOOTBALL IS.
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    FOOTBALL IS A GROUND-ACQUISITION
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    GAME.
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    YOU KNOCK THE CRAP OUT OF 11
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    GUYS AND TAKE THEIR LAND AWAY
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    FROM THEM.
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    COURSE, WE ONLY DO IT 10 YARDS
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    AT A TIME.
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    THAT'S THE WAY WE DID IT WITH
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    THE INDIANS -- LITTLE BY LITTLE.
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    "FIRST DOWN IN OHIO -- MIDWEST
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    TO GO!"
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    I THINK IT'S NOT SURPRISING THAT
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    FOOTBALL VIES AND --
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    LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY.
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    THERE ARE THINGS ABOUT THE WORDS
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    SURROUNDING FOOTBALL AND
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    BASEBALL WHICH GIVE IT ALL AWAY.
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    FOOTBALL IS TECHNOLOGICAL.
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    BASEBALL IS PASTORAL.
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    [ LAUGHTER ]
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    FOOTBALL IS PLAYED IN A STADIUM.
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    BASEBALL IS PLAYED IN A PARK.
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    [ LAUGHTER ]
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    IN FOOTBALL, YOU WEAR A HELMET.
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    IN BASEBALL, YOU WEAR A CAP.
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    [ LAUGHTER ]
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    FOOTBALL IS PLAYED ON AN
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    ENCLOSED, RECTANGULAR GRID, AND
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    EVERY ONE OF THEM IS THE SAME
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    SIZE.
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    BASEBALL IS PLAYED ON AN
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    EVER-WIDENING ANGLE THAT REACHES
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    TO INFINITY, AND EVERY PARK IS
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    DIFFERENT!
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    FOOTBALL IS RIGIDLY TIMED.
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    BASEBALL HAS NO TIME LIMIT.
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    WE DON'T KNOW WHEN IT'S GONNA
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    END!
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    [ LAUGHTER ]
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    WE MIGHT EVEN HAVE EXTRA
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    INNINGS!
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    IN FOOTBALL, YOU GET A PENALTY.
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    IN BASEBALL, YOU MAKE AN
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    ERROR -- WHOOPS!
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    [ LAUGHTER ]
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    THE OBJECT IN FOOTBALL IS TO
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    MARCH DOWNFIELD AND PENETRATE
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    ENEMY TERRITORY AND GET INTO
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    THE END ZONE.
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    IN BASEBALL, THE OBJECT IS TO GO
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    HOME!
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    "I'M GOING HOME!"
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    AND IN FOOTBALL, THEY HAVE THE
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    CLIP, THE HIT, THE BLOCK, THE
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    TACKLE, THE BLITZ, THE BOMB, THE
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    OFFENSE AND THE DEFENSE.
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    IN BASEBALL, THEY HAVE...
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    THE SACRIFICE.
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    [ LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE ]
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    [ SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS ]
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    >> HONEY, I'M HOME!
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    >> DADDY!
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    >> HEY, PAL!
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    [ LAUGHING ]
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    HOW YOU DOING?
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    >> Announcer: YOU HAVE A LOVELY
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    HOME, A GOOD JOB, SOLID
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    INVESTMENTS, A WONDERFUL
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    FAMILY -- EVERYTHING YOU NEED
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    FOR THE FUTURE.
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    OR IS IT?
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    WHAT IF YOU WERE SUDDENLY OUT OF
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    THE PICTURE?
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    [ DING! ]
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    SHOULD TRAGEDY STRIKE, WHAT
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    WOULD HAPPEN TO THEM?
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    SURE, YOU'VE PROVIDED FOR THEM
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    FINANCIALLY, BUT WHAT ABOUT
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    THEIR EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL
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    NEEDS?
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    [ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]
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    [ SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS ]
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    >> HONEY, I'M HOME!
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    >> DADDY!
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    >> Announcer: YES, IT'S
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    "NEW DAD" -- A RADICALLY NEW
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    CONCEPT IN FAMILY INSURANCE
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    COVERAGE.
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    WITHIN SECONDS AFTER "OLD DAD"
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    IS OUT, WE'LL HAVE "NEW DAD"
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    THERE TO TAKE HIS PLACE.
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    IS YOUR FAMILY COMPLETELY
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    COVERED, NOT JUST FINANCIALLY,
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    BUT IN EVERY WAY?
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    WHY NOT CALL YOUR LOCAL
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    INDEPENDENT INSURANCE AGENT
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    TODAY AND ASK HIM ABOUT OUR
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    "NEW DAD" POLICY...
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    BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE?
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    THAT'S "NEW DAD" -- THE ONLY
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    INSURANCE THAT COVERS ALL OF
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    THEIR NEEDS.
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    [ SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS ]
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    [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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    [ BILLY PRESTON'S "NOTHING FROM
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    NOTHING" PLAYS ]
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    >> Announcer: AND NOW
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    BILLY PRESTON WITH
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    "NOTHING FROM NOTHING."
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    [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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    >> ♪ NOTHING FROM NOTHING LEAVES
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    NOTHING ♪
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    ♪ YOU GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING ♪
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    ♪ IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME ♪
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    ♪ NOTHING FROM NOTHING LEAVES
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    NOTHING ♪
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    ♪ YOU GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING ♪
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    ♪ IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME ♪
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    ♪ YEAH, YEAH! ♪
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    ♪ THAT'S RIGHT, BABY ♪
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    ♪ YEAH, BABY ♪
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    ♪ YEAH! ♪
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    ♪ I'M NOT TRYIN' TO BE YOUR
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    HERO ♪
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    ♪ 'CAUSE THAT ZERO IS TOO COLD
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    FOR ME ♪
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    BRRR!
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    ♪ I'M NOT TRYIN' TO BE YOUR
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    HIGHNESS ♪
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    ♪ 'CAUSE THAT MINUS IS TOO LOW
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    TO SEE ♪
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    ♪ OH, YEAH ♪
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    ♪ YEAH! ♪
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    ♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
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    ♪ YEAH! ♪
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    ♪ NOTHING FROM NOTHING LEAVES
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    NOTHING ♪
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    ♪ AND I'M NOT STUFFIN' ♪
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    ♪ BELIEVE YOU ME ♪
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    ♪ DON'T YOU REMEMBER I TOLD YA ♪
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    ♪ I'M A SOLDIER IN THE WAR ON
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    POVERTY? ♪
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    ♪ YES, I AM ♪
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    ♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
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    ♪ YEAH! ♪
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    ♪ YEAH, BABY ♪
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    [ ORGAN SOLO ]
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    ♪ NOTHING FROM NOTHING LEAVES
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    NOTHING ♪
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    ISN'T THAT RIGHT?
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    ♪ YOU GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING ♪
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    ♪ IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME ♪
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    OH, BABY!
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    ♪ NOTHING FROM NOTHING LEAVES
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    NOTHING ♪
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    ♪ YOU GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING ♪
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    ♪ IF YOU'RE GONNA BE WITH ME ♪
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    ♪ YEAH, BABY ♪
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    ♪ YEAH! ♪
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    ♪ THAT'S RIGHT! ♪
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    ♪ YEAH ♪
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    ♪ YEAH, BABY ♪
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    ♪ YOU GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING ♪
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    ♪ IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME ♪
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    ♪ YOU GOT TO BRING ME SOMETHING,
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    GIRL -- HA! -- IF YOU WANT TO BE
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    WITH ME ♪
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    ♪ YOU GOT TO KNOW HOW TO PARTY ♪
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    ♪ YOU GOT TO KNOW HOW TO PARTY ♪
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    ♪ YOU GOT TO KNOW HOW TO PARTY ♪
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    IT'S ALL RIGHT!
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    ♪ IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME ♪
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    [ FINALE PLAYS ]
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    [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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    [ GAVEL BANGING ]
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    NOW I MUST HAVE ORDER, PLEASE,
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    OR I'LL BE FORCED TO CLEAR THIS
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    COURTROOM.
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    >> MISS DAVIS, WOULD YOU KINDLY
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    TELL THE COURT, IN YOUR OWN
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    WORDS, WHAT THE DEFENDANT
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    ALLEGEDLY SAID TO YOU WHEN HE
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    PULLED YOU INTO THE ALLEYWAY?
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    >> HE SAID, "HEY...
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    HEY, BABY, H-HOW'D YOU LIKE TO,
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    UH..."
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    I CAN'T.
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    [ GAVEL BANGS ]
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    >> NOW, PLEASE, MISS DAVIS, I
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    KNOW THIS IS VERY DIFFICULT FOR
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    YOU, BUT THIS IS EXTREMELY
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    IMPORTANT EVIDENCE.
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    >> HE SAID, "H-HOW'D YOU LIKE
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    TO, UH..."
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    OH, DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT.
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    >> [Jamaican accent] OBJECTION!
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    THE WITNESS IS NOT ON TRIAL
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    HERE.
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    NOW, OBVIOUSLY, WHAT HE SAID WAS
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    TOO UPSETTING FOR HER TO REPEAT.
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    >> OBJECTION! HEARSAY.
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    >> GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN.
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    NOW, SINCE THIS EVIDENCE IS SO
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    EXTREMELY IMPORTANT, PERHAPS
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    MISS DAVIS MIGHT WRITE DOWN THE
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    DEFENDANT'S REMARKS ON A PIECE
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    OF PAPER?
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    [ CLEARS THROAT ]
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    >> Announcer: AND NOW HERE'S
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    ANDY KAUFMAN!
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    [ APPLAUSE ]
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    [ STATIC HISSING ]
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    [ THEME FROM "MIGHTY MOUSE"
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    PLAYS ]
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    >> ♪ MR. TROUBLE NEVER HANGS
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    AROUND ♪
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    ♪ WHEN HE HEARS THIS MIGHTY
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    SOUND ♪
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    >> [ Lip-synching ] ♪ HERE I
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    COME TO SAVE THE DAY! ♪
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    >> ♪ THAT MEANS THAT
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    MIGHTY MOUSE IS ON THE WAY ♪
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    ♪ YES, SIR, WHEN THERE IS A
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    WRONG TO RIGHT ♪
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    ♪ MIGHTY MOUSE WILL JOIN THE
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    FIGHT ♪
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    ♪ ON THE SEA OR ON THE LAND ♪
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    ♪ HE GETS THE SITUATION WELL IN
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    HAND ♪
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    >> ♪ SO THOUGH WE ARE IN
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    DANGER ♪
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    ♪ WE NEVER DESPAIR ♪
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    ♪ 'CAUSE WE KNOW THAT WHERE
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    THERE'S DANGER, HE IS THERE ♪
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    >> ♪ HE IS THERE!
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    ♪ ON THE LAND, ON THE SEA, IN
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    THE AIR! ♪
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    >> ♪ WE'RE NOT WORRYIN' AT ALL ♪
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    ♪ WE'RE JUST LISTENIN' FOR HIS
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    CALL ♪
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    >> [ Lip-synching ] ♪ HERE I
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    COME TO SAVE THE DAY! ♪
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    >> ♪ THAT MEANS THAT
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    MIGHTY MOUSE IS ON THE WAY ♪
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    [ INSTRUMENTAL SOLO ]
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    ♪ WE'RE NOT WORRYIN' AT ALL ♪
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    ♪ WE'RE JUST LISTENIN' FOR HIS
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    CALL ♪
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    >> [ Lip-synching ] ♪ HERE I
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    COME TO SAVE THE DAY! ♪
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    >> ♪ THAT MEANS THAT
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    MIGHTY MOUSE IS ON THE WAY! ♪
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    [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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    [ BAND PLAYS ]
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    >> THANK YOU.
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    HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE HEARD THIS
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    IN YOUR HOME?
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    "WHERE'S THE GOOD SCISSORS?"
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    [ LAUGHTER ]
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    "I CAN'T KEEP ANYTHING NICE IN
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    THIS HOUSE."
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    HERE'S ANOTHER THING YOU'LL HEAR
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    AT HOME.
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    MOSTLY GUYS SAY THIS.
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    "HEY, WHO STOLE MY UNDERWEAR?!
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    SOMEBODY STOLE MY UNDERWEAR!"
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    "WHICH ONE?"
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    "THIS WEEK'S UNDERWEAR."
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    DO YOU EVER LOOK AT THE CROWDS
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    IN OLD MOVIES AND WONDER IF
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    THEY'RE DEAD YET?
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    [ LAUGHTER ]
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    THANK YOU.
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    I CAN'T HELP IT.
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    I DO.
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    HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO THROW
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    AWAY AN OLD WASTEBASKET?
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    YOU CAN'T DO IT.
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    PEOPLE KEEP BRINGING IT BACK TO
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    YOU, MAN.
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    "HEY, UH, YOUR WASTEBASKET WAS
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    IN THE GARBAGE HERE!"
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    [ LAUGHTER ]
  • 15:58 - 16:03
    CHECK THIS OUT -- WHEN YOU HAVE
  • 16:03 - 16:04
    A PACKAGE OF BACON, UNDERNEATH
  • 16:04 - 16:08
    ALL THE NEAT, HORIZONTAL STRIPS,
  • 16:08 - 16:09
    THERE'S ALWAYS ONE WEIRD PIECE
  • 16:09 - 16:19
    OF BACON.
  • 16:19 - 16:20
    WHAT DO DOGS DO ON THEIR DAY
  • 16:20 - 16:24
    OFF?
  • 16:24 - 16:24
    THEY CAN'T LIE AROUND.
  • 16:24 - 16:28
    THAT'S THEIR JOB, MAN.
  • 16:28 - 16:29
    AS YOU KNOW, THEY SEARCH YOU
  • 16:29 - 16:31
    PRETTY WELL AT THE AIRPORT.
  • 16:31 - 16:31
    THERE'LL BE LOTS OF PLACES LATER
  • 16:31 - 16:33
    THEY'LL BE SEARCHING US, BUT THE
  • 16:33 - 16:34
    AIRPORT IS WHERE THEY'RE KIND OF
  • 16:34 - 16:35
    TRYING IT OUT.
  • 16:35 - 16:36
    AND, AS YOU KNOW, THEY SEND YOUR
  • 16:36 - 16:37
    BAGS THROUGH TO MAKE SURE
  • 16:37 - 16:38
    THERE ARE NO WEAPONS.
  • 16:38 - 16:39
    "DON'T WANT ANY WEAPONS ON THE
  • 16:39 - 16:39
    PLANE, YOU KNOW!"
  • 16:39 - 16:41
    THE LITTLE FLUOROSCOPE JOB, AND
  • 16:41 - 16:41
    THEY RUN YOU THROUGH THE MODEL
  • 16:41 - 16:43
    HOME, AND, "NO WEAPONS!
  • 16:43 - 16:43
    LET THEM ON!"
  • 16:43 - 16:44
    YOU GET ON THE PLANE, AND YOU'RE
  • 16:44 - 16:45
    CLEAN!
  • 16:45 - 16:46
    WHAT DO THEY DO?
  • 16:46 - 16:46
    THEY GIVE YOU A KNIFE AND A
  • 16:46 - 16:48
    FORK AND ALL THE WINE YOU CAN
  • 16:48 - 16:48
    DRINK, MAN.
  • 16:48 - 16:51
    I MEAN, I COULD TAKE OVER A
  • 16:51 - 16:52
    PLANE WITH A PIECE OF LOOSE-LEAF
  • 16:52 - 16:53
    PAPER, RIGHT?
  • 16:53 - 16:53
    JUST HOLD IT AT THE STEWARDESS'S
  • 16:53 - 16:57
    NECK AND THREATEN PAPER CUTS!
  • 16:57 - 16:57
    "DO WHAT HE SAYS!
  • 16:57 - 17:00
    DO WHAT HE SAYS!"
  • 17:00 - 17:00
    OH!
  • 17:00 - 17:04
    THERE'S A MOMENT COMING --
  • 17:04 - 17:04
    THERE'S A MOMENT COMING.
  • 17:04 - 17:06
    IT'S -- IT'S NOT HERE YET.
  • 17:06 - 17:06
    IT'S ON THE WAY.
  • 17:06 - 17:09
    IT'S STILL IN THE FUTURE.
  • 17:09 - 17:09
    HERE -- HERE IT IS!
  • 17:09 - 17:13
    OH, IT'S GONE, MAN.
  • 17:13 - 17:13
    THERE'S NO PRESENT.
  • 17:13 - 17:15
    EVERYTHING IS THE NEAR FUTURE
  • 17:15 - 17:15
    AND THE RECENT PAST.
  • 17:15 - 17:17
    NO WONDER WE CAN'T GET ANYTHING
  • 17:17 - 17:17
    TOGETHER.
  • 17:17 - 17:20
    WE'VE GOT NO TIME, MAN.
  • 17:20 - 17:21
    WE WOULD LIKE TO INTRODUCE TO
  • 17:21 - 17:23
    YOU JANIS IAN.
  • 17:23 - 17:24
    [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
  • 17:24 - 17:27
    [ JANIS IAN'S "AT SEVENTEEN"
  • 17:27 - 17:27
    PLAYS ]
  • 17:27 - 17:37
    >> ♪ I LEARNED THE TRUTH AT
  • 17:37 - 17:38
    SEVENTEEN ♪
  • 17:38 - 17:42
    ♪ THAT LOVE WAS MEANT FOR BEAUTY
  • 17:42 - 17:43
    QUEENS ♪
  • 17:43 - 17:47
    ♪ AND HIGH-SCHOOL GIRLS WITH
  • 17:47 - 17:47
    CLEAR-SKINNED SMILES ♪
  • 17:47 - 17:51
    ♪ WHO MARRIED YOUNG AND THEN
  • 17:51 - 17:51
    RETIRED ♪
  • 17:51 - 18:01
    ♪ THE VALENTINES I NEVER KNEW ♪
  • 18:01 - 18:02
    ♪ THE FRIDAY NIGHT CHARADES OF
  • 18:02 - 18:06
    YOUTH ♪
  • 18:06 - 18:06
    ♪ WERE SPENT ON ONE MORE
  • 18:06 - 18:10
    BEAUTIFUL ♪
  • 18:10 - 18:11
    ♪ AT SEVENTEEN, I LEARNED THE
  • 18:11 - 18:17
    TRUTH ♪
  • 18:17 - 18:17
    ♪ AND THOSE OF US WITH RAVAGED
  • 18:17 - 18:22
    FACES ♪
  • 18:22 - 18:23
    ♪ LACKING IN THE SOCIAL GRACES ♪
  • 18:23 - 18:30
    ♪ DESPERATELY REMAINED AT HOME ♪
  • 18:30 - 18:31
    ♪ INVENTING LOVERS ON THE
  • 18:31 - 18:34
    PHONE ♪
  • 18:34 - 18:35
    ♪ WHO CALLED TO SAY, "COME DANCE
  • 18:35 - 18:39
    WITH ME" ♪
  • 18:39 - 18:39
    ♪ AND MURMURED VAGUE
  • 18:39 - 18:43
    OBSCENITIES ♪
  • 18:43 - 18:44
    ♪ IT ISN'T ALL IT SEEMS, AT
  • 18:44 - 18:50
    SEVENTEEN ♪
  • 18:50 - 18:50
    ♪ A BROWN-EYED GIRL IN
  • 18:50 - 18:55
    HAND-ME-DOWNS ♪
  • 18:55 - 18:55
    ♪ WHOSE NAME I NEVER COULD
  • 18:55 - 18:59
    PRONOUNCE ♪
  • 18:59 - 19:00
    ♪ SAID, "PITY, PLEASE, THE ONES
  • 19:00 - 19:03
    WHO SERVE ♪
  • 19:03 - 19:04
    ♪ THEY ONLY GET WHAT THEY
  • 19:04 - 19:09
    DESERVE" ♪
  • 19:09 - 19:10
    ♪ AND THE RICH-RELATIONED
  • 19:10 - 19:14
    HOMETOWN QUEEN ♪
  • 19:14 - 19:15
    ♪ MARRIES INTO WHAT SHE NEEDS ♪
  • 19:15 - 19:23
    ♪ WITH A GUARANTEE OF COMPANY ♪
  • 19:23 - 19:23
    ♪ AND HAVEN FOR THE ELDERLY ♪
  • 19:23 - 19:32
    ♪ REMEMBER THOSE WHO WIN THE
  • 19:32 - 19:33
    GAME LOSE THE LOVE THEY SOUGHT
  • 19:33 - 19:37
    TO GAIN ♪
  • 19:37 - 19:38
    ♪ IN DEBENTURES OF QUALITY ♪
  • 19:38 - 19:46
    ♪ AND DUBIOUS INTEGRITY ♪
  • 19:46 - 19:46
    ♪ THEIR SMALL-TOWN EYES WILL
  • 19:46 - 19:52
    GAPE AT YOU IN DULL SURPRISE ♪
  • 19:52 - 19:53
    ♪ WHEN PAYMENT DUE EXCEEDS
  • 19:53 - 19:57
    ACCOUNTS RECEIVED, AT
  • 19:57 - 19:59
    SEVENTEEN ♪
  • 20:08 - 20:09
    ♪ TO THOSE OF US WHO KNEW THE
  • 20:09 - 20:16
    PAIN OF VALENTINES THAT NEVER
  • 20:16 - 20:16
    CAME ♪
  • 20:16 - 20:20
    ♪ AND THOSE WHOSE NAMES WERE
  • 20:20 - 20:20
    NEVER CALLED ♪
  • 20:20 - 20:24
    ♪ WHEN CHOOSING SIDES FOR
  • 20:24 - 20:24
    BASKETBALL ♪
  • 20:24 - 20:34
    ♪ IT WAS LONG AGO AND FAR AWAY ♪
  • 20:34 - 20:35
    ♪ THE WORLD WAS YOUNGER THAN
  • 20:35 - 20:39
    TODAY ♪
  • 20:39 - 20:39
    ♪ WHEN DREAMS WERE ALL THEY GAVE
  • 20:39 - 20:43
    FOR FREE ♪
  • 20:43 - 20:44
    ♪ TO UGLY-DUCKLING GIRLS LIKE
  • 20:44 - 20:48
    ME ♪
  • 20:48 - 20:49
    ♪ WE ALL PLAY THE GAME, AND WHEN
  • 20:49 - 20:55
    WE DARE TO CHEAT OURSELVES AT
  • 20:55 - 20:55
    SOLITAIRE ♪
  • 20:55 - 21:00
    ♪ INVENTING LOVERS ON THE
  • 21:00 - 21:00
    PHONE ♪
  • 21:00 - 21:03
    ♪ REPENTING OTHER LIVES
  • 21:03 - 21:04
    UNKNOWN ♪
  • 21:04 - 21:09
    ♪ THAT CALL AND SAY, "COME DANCE
  • 21:09 - 21:09
    WITH ME" AND MURMUR VAGUE
  • 21:09 - 21:14
    OBSCENITIES ♪
  • 21:14 - 21:15
    ♪ AT UGLY GIRLS LIKE ME, AT
  • 21:15 - 21:20
    SEVENTEEN ♪
  • 21:20 - 21:20
    [ FINALE PLAYS ]
  • 21:20 - 21:36
    [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
  • 21:36 - 21:36
    [ BOBBY DARIN'S "MACK THE KNIFE"
  • 21:36 - 21:37
    PLAYS ]
  • 21:37 - 21:38
    >> ♪ OH, THE SHARK HAS ♪
  • 21:38 - 21:43
    ♪ HAS SUCH PRETTY TEETH ♪
  • 21:43 - 21:44
    ♪ AND HE SHOWS THEM ♪
  • 21:44 - 21:48
    ♪ PEARLY WHITE ♪
  • 21:48 - 21:48
    >> HI, I'M PHYLLIS CRAWFORD, AND
  • 21:48 - 21:50
    WELCOME TO
  • 21:50 - 21:50
    "VICTIMS OF SHARK BITE."
  • 21:50 - 21:53
    MY FIRST GUEST --
  • 21:53 - 21:54
    MR. MARTIN GRESNER FROM
  • 21:54 - 21:56
    LONG ISLAND, NEW YORK.
  • 21:56 - 21:56
    MR. GRESNER, WOULD YOU TELL OUR
  • 21:56 - 22:00
    AUDIENCE JUST HOW YOU BECAME A
  • 22:00 - 22:01
    VICTIM OF SHARK BITE?
  • 22:01 - 22:04
    >> I'D BE HAPPY TO, PHYLLIS.
  • 22:04 - 22:04
    I WAS SWIMMING ABOUT 50 YARDS
  • 22:04 - 22:07
    OFFSHORE FROM MY SUMMER HOME IN
  • 22:07 - 22:07
    MATTATUCK, LONG ISLAND.
  • 22:07 - 22:10
    IT WAS HIGH TIDE, AND ALL OF A
  • 22:10 - 22:11
    SUDDEN, I FELT THIS SHARP,
  • 22:11 - 22:13
    PIERCING PAIN IN MY LEFT
  • 22:13 - 22:13
    SHOULDER.
  • 22:13 - 22:16
    I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS AT
  • 22:16 - 22:16
    FIRST.
  • 22:16 - 22:20
    MY LEFT ARM FELT NUMB.
  • 22:20 - 22:20
    WELL, MY ARM WAS GONE.
  • 22:20 - 22:23
    SINCE THEN, I'VE HAD TO LEARN
  • 22:23 - 22:23
    HOW TO DO EVERYTHING WITH MY
  • 22:23 - 22:25
    RIGHT HAND.
  • 22:25 - 22:25
    >> JUST WHEN DID THIS INCIDENT
  • 22:25 - 22:28
    TAKE PLACE?
  • 22:28 - 22:28
    >> OH, I'D SAY MAYBE...
  • 22:28 - 22:32
    THREE, FOUR MONTHS AGO.
  • 22:32 - 22:33
    I'VE HAD, UH...
  • 22:33 - 22:36
    I'VE LEARNED HOW TO SHAVE WITH
  • 22:36 - 22:37
    MY RIGHT HAND AND EAT WITH ONE
  • 22:37 - 22:38
    HAND --
  • 22:38 - 22:39
    >> EXCUSE ME, MR. GRESNER, BUT
  • 22:39 - 22:41
    IT APPEARS TO ME AS THOUGH YOU
  • 22:41 - 22:41
    DO HAVE A LEFT ARM THERE.
  • 22:41 - 22:43
    >> NOPE, IT'S GONE, SEE?
  • 22:43 - 22:43
    SHARK BIT IT OFF.
  • 22:43 - 22:44
    NOTHING THERE.
  • 22:44 - 22:45
    >> NO, MR. GRESNER, THAT'S YOUR
  • 22:45 - 22:46
    SLEEVE.
  • 22:46 - 22:47
    YOU DO HAVE A LEFT ARM, AND IT
  • 22:47 - 22:51
    LOOKS PERFECTLY NORMAL TO ME.
  • 22:51 - 22:51
    >> IT DOES, HUH?
  • 22:51 - 22:54
    >> YES.
  • 22:54 - 22:54
    >> OH, IT WAS MY LEG!
  • 22:54 - 22:56
    MY LEG!
  • 22:56 - 22:56
    HE BIT MY LEG OFF, SEE?
  • 22:56 - 22:58
    I HAVE TO HOP AROUND ON ONE
  • 22:58 - 22:58
    FOOT.
  • 22:58 - 22:59
    I'M AN INVALID.
  • 22:59 - 23:00
    >> NO, MR. GRESNER, YOU DO HAVE
  • 23:00 - 23:01
    A LEG THERE.
  • 23:01 - 23:01
    IT'S TUCKED UNDER YOUR OTHER
  • 23:01 - 23:03
    LEG.
  • 23:03 - 23:03
    YOU SEE? YOU'RE FINE.
  • 23:03 - 23:07
    THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.
  • 23:07 - 23:07
    >> WELL, I SAW THAT MOVIE WHERE
  • 23:07 - 23:09
    THAT GUY HAD HIS LEG BIT OFF --
  • 23:09 - 23:09
    >> WE'LL BE BACK WITH ANOTHER
  • 23:09 - 23:11
    VICTIM OF SHARK BITE AFTER THIS
  • 23:11 - 23:12
    COMMERCIAL MESSAGE.
  • 23:12 - 23:13
    >> GOT A SCAR HERE WHEN MY
  • 23:13 - 23:14
    SISTER PUSHED ME OFF A PORCH,
  • 23:14 - 23:16
    AND...
  • 23:16 - 23:16
    [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
  • 23:16 - 23:19
    >> THIS IS MY BEST FRIEND, MY
  • 23:19 - 23:20
    BUSINESS PARTNER, MY ADVISOR, MY
  • 23:20 - 23:23
    COMPANION...
  • 23:23 - 23:23
    MY WIFE.
  • 23:23 - 23:26
    AND I LOVE HER.
  • 23:26 - 23:27
    SHE'S QUITE A GAL, YOU KNOW?
  • 23:27 - 23:29
    SHE TAKES CARE OF THE HOUSE,
  • 23:29 - 23:30
    COOKS GREAT MEALS, MAKES STUDDED
  • 23:30 - 23:32
    LEATHER VESTS AT OUR OWN
  • 23:32 - 23:33
    BOUTIQUE, AND STILL HAS ENOUGH
  • 23:33 - 23:35
    ENERGY TO GIVE ME THE ATTENTION
  • 23:35 - 23:36
    AND AFFECTION I NEED AT THE END
  • 23:36 - 23:38
    OF A LONG DAY.
  • 23:38 - 23:39
    I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT.
  • 23:39 - 23:41
    >> WELL, I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.
  • 23:41 - 23:42
    I GET PLENTY OF REST, GO TO THE
  • 23:42 - 23:44
    "Y," EAT RIGHT.
  • 23:44 - 23:45
    TO MAKE SURE I GET ENOUGH IRON
  • 23:45 - 23:47
    AND VITAMINS, I TAKE JAMITOL
  • 23:47 - 23:47
    EVERY DAY.
  • 23:47 - 23:51
    >> MAKES ME TAKE IT, TOO.
  • 23:51 - 23:51
    >> Announcer: JAMITOL.
  • 23:51 - 23:53
    MORE THAN TWICE THE IRON AND
  • 23:53 - 23:54
    HIGH-POTENCY VITAMINS FOUND IN
  • 23:54 - 23:55
    OTHER SUPPLEMENTS.
  • 23:55 - 23:56
    TABLET OR LIQUID.
  • 23:56 - 24:00
    >> MY WIFE -- SHE'S QUITE A GAL.
  • 24:00 - 24:01
    AND I LOVE HER FOR IT.
  • 24:01 - 24:07
    >> I'M PAUL SIMON, AND I'LL BE
  • 24:07 - 24:08
    HOSTING THE NBC "SATURDAY NIGHT"
  • 24:08 - 24:11
    SHOW NEXT WEEK.
  • 24:11 - 24:12
    I'LL BE JOINED BY RANDY NEWMAN,
  • 24:12 - 24:15
    PHOEBE SNOW, AND MY EX-PARTNER
  • 24:15 - 24:15
    ART GARFUNKEL FOR A LITTLE
  • 24:15 - 24:18
    SIMON & GARFUNKEL REUNION.
  • 24:18 - 24:18
    I HOPE YOU'LL WATCH.
  • 24:18 - 24:21
    [ TICKER TICKING ]
  • 24:21 - 24:21
    "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
  • 24:21 - 24:24
    CHEVY CHASE.
  • 24:24 - 24:24
    >> GOOD EVENING, I'M
  • 24:24 - 24:25
    CHEVY CHASE.
  • 24:25 - 24:26
    OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT --
  • 24:26 - 24:28
    DEDICATION CEREMONIES FOR THE
  • 24:28 - 24:29
    NEW TEAMSTERS UNION HEADQUARTERS
  • 24:29 - 24:31
    BUILDING TOOK PLACE TODAY IN
  • 24:31 - 24:32
    DETROIT, WHERE UNION PRESIDENT
  • 24:32 - 24:34
    FITZSIMMONS IS REPORTED TO HAVE
  • 24:34 - 24:35
    SAID THAT FORMER PRESIDENT
  • 24:35 - 24:37
    JIMMY HOFFA WILL ALWAYS BE A
  • 24:37 - 24:38
    CORNERSTONE IN THE ORGANIZATION.
  • 24:38 - 24:44
    NOW WORLD LEADERS IN THE NEWS.
  • 24:44 - 24:44
    JAPAN EMPEROR HIROHITO MET
  • 24:44 - 24:47
    MICKEY MOUSE AT DISNEYLAND THIS
  • 24:47 - 24:47
    WEEK.
  • 24:47 - 24:48
    THE EMPEROR PRESENTED MICKEY
  • 24:48 - 24:49
    WITH A HIROHITO WRISTWATCH.
  • 24:49 - 24:53
    DATELINE WASHINGTON -- AT A
  • 24:53 - 24:54
    PRESS CONFERENCE THURSDAY NIGHT,
  • 24:54 - 24:58
    PRESIDENT FORD BLEW HIS NOSE.
  • 24:58 - 24:59
    ALERT SECRET SERVICE AGENTS
  • 24:59 - 25:01
    SEIZED HIS HANDKERCHIEF AND
  • 25:01 - 25:01
    WRESTLED IT TO THE GROUND.
  • 25:01 - 25:06
    AND YESTERDAY IN WASHINGTON,
  • 25:06 - 25:06
    PRESIDENT FORD BUMPED HIS HEAD
  • 25:06 - 25:09
    THREE TIMES GETTING INTO HIS
  • 25:09 - 25:09
    HELICOPTER.
  • 25:09 - 25:11
    THE CIA IMMEDIATELY DENIED
  • 25:11 - 25:11
    REPORTS THAT IT HAD DELIBERATELY
  • 25:11 - 25:16
    LOWERED THE TOP OF THE DOORWAY.
  • 25:16 - 25:17
    MR. FORD WAS ON THE CAMPAIGN
  • 25:17 - 25:18
    TRAIL, ANNOUNCING IN DETROIT
  • 25:18 - 25:19
    THAT HE HAS WRITTEN HIS OWN
  • 25:19 - 25:22
    CAMPAIGN SLOGAN.
  • 25:22 - 25:22
    THE SLOGAN?
  • 25:22 - 25:25
    "IF HE'S SO DUMB, HOW COME HE'S
  • 25:25 - 25:26
    PRESIDENT?"
  • 25:26 - 25:35
    THE POST OFFICE ANNOUNCED
  • 25:35 - 25:36
    TODAY...
  • 25:36 - 25:37
    JUST A SECOND.
  • 25:37 - 25:38
    I LOST MY PLACE.
  • 25:38 - 25:39
    OH, THE POST OFFICE ANNOUNCED
  • 25:39 - 25:40
    TODAY THAT IT IS GOING TO ISSUE
  • 25:40 - 25:42
    A STAMP COMMEMORATING
  • 25:42 - 25:42
    PROSTITUTION IN THE
  • 25:42 - 25:44
    UNITED STATES.
  • 25:44 - 25:45
    IT'S A 10-CENT STAMP, BUT IF YOU
  • 25:45 - 25:58
    WANT TO LICK IT, IT'S A QUARTER.
  • 25:58 - 25:58
    MURDER AT THE BLAINE HOTEL
  • 25:58 - 26:00
    AGAIN.
  • 26:00 - 26:01
    FOR A LIVE REPORT, LET'S GO TO
  • 26:01 - 26:03
    LARAINE NEWMAN IN MIDTOWN
  • 26:03 - 26:03
    MANHATTAN AT THE BLAINE HOTEL.
  • 26:03 - 26:06
    LARAINE?
  • 26:06 - 26:07
    >> CHEVY, I'M STANDING OUTSIDE A
  • 26:07 - 26:10
    ROOM ON THE 15th FLOOR OF THE
  • 26:10 - 26:10
    BLAINE HOTEL, WHERE NUMBER 38 IN
  • 26:10 - 26:14
    A SERIES OF GRISLY AND BIZARRE
  • 26:14 - 26:14
    MURDERS HAS OCCURRED JUST OVER
  • 26:14 - 26:17
    AN HOUR AGO.
  • 26:17 - 26:18
    THE MOTIVE, AGAIN -- MURDER, AS
  • 26:18 - 26:22
    IT HAS BEEN IN THE PREVIOUS 37
  • 26:22 - 26:22
    SLASHINGS.
  • 26:22 - 26:25
    IN A FIT OF PIQUE, THE MAYOR HAS
  • 26:25 - 26:25
    CALLED THE BLAINE HOTEL A
  • 26:25 - 26:29
    POCKMARK ON THE NECK OF MIDTOWN
  • 26:29 - 26:30
    MANHATTAN.
  • 26:31 - 26:31
    ONCE AGAIN, GRISLY DEATH AND
  • 26:31 - 26:36
    MURDER IN THE BLAINE HOTEL.
  • 26:36 - 26:36
    LARAINE NEWMAN REPORTING.
  • 26:36 - 26:41
    STILL TO COME -- EARTHQUAKE
  • 26:41 - 26:41
    CLAIMS SAN DIEGO, 4 MILLION DIE
  • 26:41 - 26:44
    IN TURKEY, AND ARLENE VISITS AN
  • 26:44 - 26:45
    ART MUSEUM.
  • 26:45 - 26:50
    >> Announcer: ARTHRITIS IN THE
  • 26:50 - 26:51
    ADULT IS PAINFUL, LONELY, AND
  • 26:51 - 26:56
    SOMETIMES DIFFICULT TO MANAGE.
  • 26:56 - 26:57
    ARTHRITIS IS PARTICULARLY
  • 26:57 - 26:59
    ANNOYING WHEN COUPLED WITH
  • 26:59 - 27:00
    NEURALGIA AND SEVERE MUSCULAR
  • 27:00 - 27:02
    TENSION.
  • 27:02 - 27:03
    ABRUPT WEATHER CHANGES CAN ADD
  • 27:03 - 27:05
    DISCOMFORT.
  • 27:05 - 27:05
    INFLAMED TISSUES CAN CAUSE LOCAL
  • 27:05 - 27:10
    SWELLING, CALLING FOR SPECIAL
  • 27:10 - 27:10
    RELIEF.
  • 27:10 - 27:12
    [ DING! ]
  • 27:12 - 27:13
    TRIOPENIN, A COMPOUND OF
  • 27:13 - 27:17
    POWERFUL ANTIARTHRITIC SPANSULES
  • 27:17 - 27:17
    AND ANTIHISTAMINES, SPEEDS
  • 27:17 - 27:21
    SOOTHING RELIEF WHERE NEEDED.
  • 27:21 - 27:21
    TRIOPENIN IS GENTLE,
  • 27:21 - 27:24
    NON-HABIT-FORMING, AIDS IN
  • 27:24 - 27:25
    SOOTHING MUSCLES AND LIBERATING
  • 27:25 - 27:28
    STIFF, PAINFUL JOINTS.
  • 27:28 - 27:29
    SOON, YOU'RE HANDLING LIFE
  • 27:29 - 27:32
    AGAIN, FEELING BETTER, AND
  • 27:32 - 27:32
    GETTING A FIRM GRASP ON THE
  • 27:32 - 27:37
    SITUATION.
  • 27:37 - 27:37
    TRIOPENIN -- GET YOUR HANDS
  • 27:37 - 27:40
    WORKING AGAIN.
  • 27:40 - 27:41
    NOW WITH A NEW CHILDPROOF SAFETY
  • 27:41 - 27:43
    CAP.
  • 27:43 - 27:46
    [ DING! ]
  • 27:46 - 27:47
    >> Announcer: GUESTS ON NBC's
  • 27:47 - 27:49
    "SATURDAY NIGHT" STAY AT THE
  • 27:49 - 27:50
    FABULOUS BLAINE HOTEL IN MIDTOWN
  • 27:50 - 27:51
    MANHATTAN.
  • 27:51 - 27:52
    THE BLAINE -- A TRADITION FOR
  • 27:52 - 27:57
    MORE THAN HALF A CENTURY.
  • 27:57 - 27:57
    >> OUR FINAL STORY TONIGHT
  • 27:57 - 28:00
    CONCERNS THE BIRTH OF A BABY
  • 28:00 - 28:01
    SANDPIPER AT THE WASHINGTON ZOO.
  • 28:01 - 28:04
    IT'S THE FIRST SUCH BIRTH IN
  • 28:04 - 28:04
    CAPTIVITY ON RECORD.
  • 28:04 - 28:07
    THE BABY CHICK MADE ITS DEBUT AT
  • 28:07 - 28:07
    9:18 THIS MORNING, WEIGHING IN
  • 28:07 - 28:10
    AT JUST UNDER 14 GRAMS AND,
  • 28:10 - 28:10
    ACCORDING TO ZOO OFFICIALS,
  • 28:10 - 28:12
    RESEMBLED ITS MOTHER QUITE
  • 28:12 - 28:12
    CLOSELY.
  • 28:12 - 28:14
    AND THE NAME GIVEN OUR FUZZY
  • 28:14 - 28:15
    LITTLE FRIEND?
  • 28:15 - 28:17
    SIMPLY "PIP."
  • 28:17 - 28:18
    ONE HUMOROUS NOTE -- THE BIRD
  • 28:18 - 28:20
    WAS STEPPED ON AND CRUSHED TO
  • 28:20 - 28:21
    DEATH THIS AFTERNOON BY GOGGLES,
  • 28:21 - 28:23
    THE BABY HIPPO BORN IN CAPTIVITY
  • 28:23 - 28:23
    LAST WEDNESDAY.
  • 28:23 - 28:27
    WELL, THAT'S NEWS THIS EVENING.
  • 28:27 - 28:27
    THIS IS CHEVY CHASE.
  • 28:27 - 28:29
    GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT
  • 28:29 - 28:29
    TOMORROW.
  • 28:29 - 28:41
    [ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
  • 28:41 - 28:41
    >> Announcer: COME WITH US NOW
  • 28:41 - 28:44
    FROM THE BUBBLING CARCASS TO THE
  • 28:44 - 28:44
    SULFUROUS WASTELAND, FROM THE
  • 28:44 - 28:47
    ROTTING FOREST TO THE STAGNANT
  • 28:47 - 28:47
    MUD FLATS.
  • 28:47 - 28:51
    >> FROM THE BUBBLING TAR PITS TO
  • 28:51 - 28:52
    THE SULFUROUS WASTELAND, FROM
  • 28:52 - 28:56
    THE ROTTING FORESTS TO THE
  • 28:56 - 28:56
    STAGNANT MUD FLATS, THIS LAND
  • 28:56 - 29:02
    WAS MADE FOR ME AND ME ONLY,
  • 29:02 - 29:02
    SINCE I AM PLOOBIS, KING OF ALL
  • 29:02 - 29:07
    I SURVEY.
  • 29:07 - 29:07
    HMM. OH.
  • 29:07 - 29:14
    SCRED?! SCRED!
  • 29:14 - 29:14
    >> YES, OH, HIGH SUPREME
  • 29:14 - 29:17
    MUCKY-MUCK, SIR?
  • 29:17 - 29:18
    >> SCRED, I'M HUNGRY.
  • 29:18 - 29:20
    >> OH. WHAT WOULD PLEASE
  • 29:20 - 29:21
    YOUR FLATULENCE?
  • 29:21 - 29:24
    [ CHOKING ]
  • 29:24 - 29:25
    >> FOOD! SEE, I'M HUNGRY, AND
  • 29:25 - 29:28
    WHEN I'M HUNGRY, I GET A
  • 29:28 - 29:28
    HEADACHE.
  • 29:28 - 29:30
    AND WHEN I GET A HEADACHE, I
  • 29:30 - 29:30
    GET, UH...
  • 29:30 - 29:32
    >> FURIOUS?
  • 29:32 - 29:32
    >> NO!
  • 29:32 - 29:34
    >> UH, ANGRY?
  • 29:34 - 29:34
    >> NO!
  • 29:34 - 29:35
    >> CRANKY?
  • 29:35 - 29:35
    >> NO!
  • 29:35 - 29:37
    >> PEEVISH?
  • 29:37 - 29:37
    >> NO!
  • 29:37 - 29:38
    >> IRKED?
  • 29:38 - 29:38
    >> NO!
  • 29:38 - 29:40
    >> MILDLY ANNOYED?
  • 29:40 - 29:40
    >> THAT'S IT!
  • 29:40 - 29:44
    >> OH, THANK YOU, SIRE.
  • 29:44 - 29:44
    >> I GET MILDLY ANNOYED WHEN I
  • 29:44 - 29:47
    DON'T HAVE FOOD.
  • 29:47 - 29:48
    I'LL SEE TO IT IMMEDIATELY,
  • 29:48 - 29:50
    YOUR GROSSNESS.
  • 29:50 - 29:51
    >> HMM.
  • 29:51 - 29:56
    WELL, THIS IS SOMETHING THAT
  • 29:56 - 29:56
    PEUTA SHOULD HAVE TAKEN CARE OF.
  • 29:56 - 29:59
    >> I HEARD THAT!
  • 29:59 - 30:00
    I DON'T HAVE TIME TO WORRY ABOUT
  • 30:00 - 30:04
    YOUR FOOD, ESPECIALLY IN MY
  • 30:04 - 30:04
    CONDITION.
  • 30:04 - 30:06
    >> HMM. [ SNORTS ]
  • 30:06 - 30:06
    >> I SAID, "ESPECIALLY IN MY
  • 30:06 - 30:08
    CONDITION."
  • 30:08 - 30:09
    >> ESPECIALLY IN YOUR CONDITION.
  • 30:09 - 30:10
    >> YES.
  • 30:10 - 30:11
    >> WELL, AND WHAT DO YOU EXPECT
  • 30:11 - 30:14
    ME TO DO ABOUT IT?
  • 30:14 - 30:15
    YOU'RE TOO OLD TO MOLT.
  • 30:15 - 30:18
    >> AAH! OH, PLOOBIS, I DON'T
  • 30:18 - 30:19
    KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM IS.
  • 30:19 - 30:23
    I'M JUST NOT IN THE SWING OF
  • 30:23 - 30:23
    THINGS.
  • 30:23 - 30:25
    I -- YOU SEE...I'M HAVING
  • 30:25 - 30:26
    TREMENDOUS DIFFICULTY RELEASING
  • 30:26 - 30:30
    MY DARTS.
  • 30:30 - 30:31
    >> RELEASING YOUR DARTS? UGH.
  • 30:31 - 30:34
    WHAT -- WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT
  • 30:34 - 30:34
    THAT?
  • 30:34 - 30:36
    >> WELL, GO TO THE MIGHTY FAVOG.
  • 30:36 - 30:37
    HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN
  • 30:37 - 30:40
    RELIEVE MY PAIN.
  • 30:40 - 30:40
    >> MM-HMM.
  • 30:40 - 30:43
    YOUR PAIN IS MY PAIN, MY DEAR.
  • 30:43 - 30:44
    >> [ CHUCKLES ]
  • 30:44 - 30:47
    WELL, I'M GOING TO LIE DOWN NOW.
  • 30:47 - 30:48
    PERHAPS THE DARTS WILL LOOSEN.
  • 30:48 - 30:51
    >> AH.
  • 30:51 - 30:51
    >> UH, WOULD IT HELP IF I
  • 30:51 - 30:54
    MASSAGED YOUR MOOGIES?
  • 30:54 - 30:55
    OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!
  • 30:55 - 30:59
    ONLY JOKING, ONLY KIDDING,
  • 30:59 - 30:59
    YOUR MAJESTY!
  • 30:59 - 31:02
    >> DON'T SAY THAT IF YOU DON'T
  • 31:02 - 31:02
    MEAN IT.
  • 31:02 - 31:04
    >> YES, SIRE.
  • 31:04 - 31:05
    >> AH, THERE WE ARE.
  • 31:05 - 31:07
    >> WELL, HERE'S YOUR FOOD,
  • 31:07 - 31:07
    PLOOBIS.
  • 31:07 - 31:11
    >> WELL, THANK YOU, VAZH.
  • 31:11 - 31:11
    OH, WHAT YOU GOT HERE?
  • 31:11 - 31:13
    OKAY.
  • 31:13 - 31:14
    LET GO OF IT, WOULD YOU?
  • 31:14 - 31:16
    MM-MMM!
  • 31:16 - 31:16
    [ SMACKING LIPS ]
  • 31:16 - 31:19
    AH, MM-MMM!
  • 31:19 - 31:19
    WELL, IT TASTES LIKE BOILED
  • 31:19 - 31:22
    KLEENEX.
  • 31:22 - 31:22
    MM-MMM.
  • 31:22 - 31:25
    THIS TASTES FAMILIAR.
  • 31:25 - 31:26
    IS THIS ANYBODY I KNOW?
  • 31:26 - 31:28
    >> WILL YOU WANT DESSERT,
  • 31:28 - 31:28
    PLOOBIS?
  • 31:28 - 31:31
    >> UH...
  • 31:31 - 31:32
    WHAT I WANT, ANGEL BUNS, IS NOT
  • 31:32 - 31:36
    ON THE MENU.
  • 31:36 - 31:37
    COME HERE, YOU.
  • 31:37 - 31:41
    MMM, YEAH. OH, SWEETHEART.
  • 31:41 - 31:42
    MM-MMM.
  • 31:42 - 31:44
    >> PLOOBIS!
  • 31:44 - 31:45
    WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
  • 31:45 - 31:47
    >> UH, WELL, UH --
  • 31:47 - 31:47
    [ THUD ]
  • 31:47 - 31:50
    EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.
  • 31:50 - 31:51
    UH. I WAS JUST ON MY WAY TO
  • 31:51 - 31:54
    THE MIGHTY FAVOG, YOU SEE.
  • 31:54 - 31:54
    [ GONG BANGS ]
  • 31:54 - 32:00
    >> THIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG.
  • 32:00 - 32:01
    HOW MANY IN YOUR PARTY?
  • 32:01 - 32:07
    >> UH...UH...ONE --
  • 32:07 - 32:07
    ME AND SCRED.
  • 32:07 - 32:11
    >> TALK TO ME.
  • 32:11 - 32:12
    >> OH, MIGHTY FAVOG, I GOT A
  • 32:12 - 32:14
    PROBLEM.
  • 32:14 - 32:15
    >> BUSINESS, SPORTS, OR
  • 32:15 - 32:17
    PERSONAL?
  • 32:17 - 32:18
    >> UH...SCRED?
  • 32:18 - 32:22
    >> MEDICAL, YOUR GROSSNESS.
  • 32:22 - 32:22
    >> MMM.
  • 32:22 - 32:26
    OH, MIGHTY FAVOG, IT'S MEDICAL.
  • 32:26 - 32:26
    >> MEDICAL.
  • 32:26 - 32:27
    >> MMM.
  • 32:27 - 32:28
    >> IT'S GONNA COST YOU...
  • 32:28 - 32:34
    THREE CHICKENS, TWO SWANS, AND A
  • 32:34 - 32:34
    DUCK.
  • 32:34 - 32:38
    >> HOLY GUACAMOLE.
  • 32:38 - 32:39
    WHAT YOU GOT ON YOU, SCRED?
  • 32:39 - 32:42
    >> JUST TWO CHICKENS, BUT THAT'S
  • 32:42 - 32:43
    CARFARE HOME.
  • 32:43 - 32:46
    >> OH, FAVOG, I OFFER YOU TWO
  • 32:46 - 32:47
    CHICKENS -- IT'S ALL I GOT.
  • 32:47 - 32:49
    >> [ SNIFFLES ]
  • 32:49 - 32:49
    BUSINESS IS SLOW.
  • 32:49 - 32:53
    I'LL TAKE 'EM.
  • 32:53 - 32:53
    >> PAY HIM THE CHICKENS.
  • 32:53 - 32:56
    >> OH, OKAY, BUT, PHOOEY,
  • 32:56 - 32:56
    ANYWAY.
  • 32:56 - 32:59
    ARE YOU READY?
  • 32:59 - 32:59
    >> LAY 'EM ON YOUR GOD.
  • 32:59 - 33:02
    >> HERE THEY COME.
  • 33:02 - 33:02
    [ LIQUID SPLASHES ]
  • 33:02 - 33:08
    [ FLUSHING ]
  • 33:08 - 33:08
    >> [ BELCHES ]
  • 33:08 - 33:11
    [ RUMBLING ]
  • 33:11 - 33:11
    >> ALL RIGHT.
  • 33:11 - 33:14
    STATE YOUR PROBLEM.
  • 33:14 - 33:15
    >> OH, FAVOG, MY CHARMING WIFE,
  • 33:15 - 33:20
    PEUTA, CAN'T RELEASE HER DARTS.
  • 33:20 - 33:20
    >> HMM. ALL RIGHT.
  • 33:20 - 33:26
    YOU READY?
  • 33:26 - 33:26
    >> Both: WE ARE READY, OH,
  • 33:26 - 33:30
    MIGHTY FAVOG!
  • 33:30 - 33:30
    [ THUNDER RUMBLES ]
  • 33:30 - 33:34
    >> HERE IS THE ANSWER!
  • 33:34 - 33:35
    >> YEAH?
  • 33:35 - 33:37
    >> CHEER UP.
  • 33:37 - 33:37
    THINGS COULD BE WORSE.
  • 33:37 - 33:42
    [ GONG BANGS ]
  • 33:42 - 33:42
    >> FOR THAT, I PAID TWO
  • 33:42 - 33:45
    CHICKENS?
  • 33:45 - 33:45
    >> LIKE I SAID -- CHEER UP.
  • 33:45 - 33:48
    THINGS COULD BE WORSE.
  • 33:48 - 33:48
    YOU COULD HAVE PAID FOUR
  • 33:48 - 33:50
    CHICKENS.
  • 33:50 - 33:50
    NEXT!
  • 33:50 - 33:54
    WELL, YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT.
  • 33:54 - 33:54
    >> YEAH, BUT...
  • 33:54 - 33:57
    >> I'M HERE EVERY DAY.
  • 33:57 - 33:57
    TELL YOUR FRIENDS.
  • 33:57 - 34:06
    [ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
  • 34:06 - 34:08
    [ BAND PLAYS ]
  • 34:18 - 34:18
    >> DID YOU EVER DIAL THE PHONE
  • 34:18 - 34:22
    AND FORGET WHO YOU'RE CALLING?
  • 34:22 - 34:22
    [ LAUGHTER ]
  • 34:22 - 34:24
    DON'T YOU FEEL DUMB?
  • 34:24 - 34:24
    YOU DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO HANG
  • 34:24 - 34:26
    ON AND HOPE YOU RECOGNIZE THE
  • 34:26 - 34:27
    VOICE OR NOT.
  • 34:27 - 34:30
    THEN, WHEN YOU REMEMBER WHO IT
  • 34:30 - 34:30
    WAS, YOU HAVE TO CALL BACK, SO
  • 34:30 - 34:32
    YOU CHANGE YOUR VOICE SO THEY
  • 34:32 - 34:32
    DON'T THINK YOU'RE A MORON,
  • 34:32 - 34:33
    RIGHT?
  • 34:33 - 34:34
    [ LAUGHTER ]
  • 34:34 - 34:37
    DID YOU EVER LOOK AT YOURSELF IN
  • 34:37 - 34:38
    STORE WINDOWS WHEN YOU'RE
  • 34:38 - 34:41
    WALKING PAST THE STORES?
  • 34:41 - 34:41
    "HEY, I LOOK COOL IN THE STORE
  • 34:41 - 34:43
    WINDOW, MAN!"
  • 34:43 - 34:43
    [ SCATTERED LAUGHTER ]
  • 34:43 - 34:45
    HAVE I DONE THESE JOKES BEFORE
  • 34:45 - 34:46
    TONIGHT?
  • 34:46 - 34:50
    [ LAUGHTER ]
  • 34:50 - 34:51
    PLEASE, TELL ME.
  • 34:51 - 35:00
    WHY IS THERE NO BLUE FOOD?
  • 35:00 - 35:00
    I CAN'T FIND BLUE FOOD.
  • 35:00 - 35:03
    I CAN'T FIND THE FLAVOR OF BLUE.
  • 35:03 - 35:03
    I MEAN, GREEN IS LIME.
  • 35:03 - 35:04
    YELLOW IS LEMON.
  • 35:04 - 35:05
    ORANGE IS ORANGE.
  • 35:05 - 35:06
    RED IS CHERRY.
  • 35:06 - 35:06
    WHAT'S BLUE? THERE'S NO BLUE!
  • 35:06 - 35:08
    OH, THEY SAY, "BLUEBERRIES!"
  • 35:08 - 35:08
    UNH-UNH. BLUE ON THE VINE --
  • 35:08 - 35:09
    PURPLE ON THE PLATE.
  • 35:09 - 35:10
    THERE'S NO BLUE FOOD, MAN.
  • 35:10 - 35:12
    [ LAUGHTER ]
  • 35:12 - 35:12
    WHERE IS THE BLUE FOOD?
  • 35:12 - 35:16
    WE WANT THE BLUE FOOD!
  • 35:16 - 35:17
    PROBABLY, IT RESTORES
  • 35:17 - 35:19
    IMMORTALITY.
  • 35:19 - 35:19
    THEY'RE KEEPING IT FROM US.
  • 35:19 - 35:23
    "CAN I HAVE THE BLUE FOOD,
  • 35:23 - 35:23
    PLEASE?"
  • 35:23 - 35:25
    I'LL TAKE MY VITAMIN.
  • 35:25 - 35:26
    DO YOU TAKE VITAMINS?
  • 35:26 - 35:28
    DID YOU EVER TRAVEL WITH
  • 35:28 - 35:28
    VITAMINS?
  • 35:28 - 35:30
    [ SCATTERED LAUGHTER ]
  • 35:30 - 35:31
    OH, WELL, I MEAN, IF YOU TAKE A
  • 35:31 - 35:33
    LOT OF VITAMINS AND THEY'RE NOT
  • 35:33 - 35:33
    THE KIND THAT SAYS,
  • 35:33 - 35:35
    "JOE'S VITAMIN" ON THE SIDE BUT
  • 35:35 - 35:35
    PLAIN-LOOKING VITAMINS -- AND
  • 35:35 - 35:39
    YOU HAVE A WHOLE LOT, AND YOU
  • 35:39 - 35:39
    DON'T TAKE THE WHOLE BIG JUMBO
  • 35:39 - 35:41
    THING ON THE ROAD -- YOU TAKE AS
  • 35:41 - 35:41
    MANY AS YOU NEED, AND THEY'RE
  • 35:41 - 35:43
    NOT MARKED.
  • 35:43 - 35:43
    AND THE JAR YOU PUT THEM IN
  • 35:43 - 35:45
    ISN'T MARKED.
  • 35:45 - 35:45
    AND IF A POLICEMAN REALLY WANTS
  • 35:45 - 35:49
    TO GIVE YOU A HARD TIME, HE CAN
  • 35:49 - 35:49
    HOLD YOU OVERNIGHT WHILE THEY
  • 35:49 - 35:51
    CHECK THE VITAMINS.
  • 35:51 - 35:51
    THAT'S WHY I TRAVEL WITH
  • 35:51 - 35:54
    FLINTSTONES VITAMINS!
  • 35:54 - 35:54
    [ LAUGHTER ]
  • 35:54 - 35:59
    THE TERM "JUMBO SHRIMP" HAS
  • 35:59 - 35:59
    ALWAYS AMAZED ME.
  • 35:59 - 36:03
    WHAT IS A JUMBO SHRIMP?
  • 36:03 - 36:03
    I MEAN, IT'S LIKE "MILITARY
  • 36:03 - 36:05
    INTELLIGENCE" -- THE WORDS DON'T
  • 36:05 - 36:06
    GO TOGETHER, MAN.
  • 36:06 - 36:24
    [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
  • 36:24 - 36:26
    [ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
  • 36:54 - 36:55
    [ WHISTLE BLOWS ]
  • 36:55 - 36:56
    >> Announcer: NEW YORK CAB
  • 36:56 - 36:56
    DRIVER, TEMPORARILY BLINDED,
  • 36:56 - 37:00
    STILL PUTS IN 45-HOUR WEEK.
  • 37:00 - 37:01
    >> EXCUSE ME.
  • 37:01 - 37:03
    >> HMM?
  • 37:03 - 37:03
    >> SIR?
  • 37:03 - 37:06
    YES, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO YOU?
  • 37:06 - 37:06
    >> WELL, I WAS TAKING A FARE TO
  • 37:06 - 37:08
    ONE OF THOSE MOVIE PREMIERES,
  • 37:08 - 37:09
    YOU KNOW.
  • 37:09 - 37:10
    YOU KNOW THEM BIG SPOTLIGHTS?
  • 37:10 - 37:11
    >> WHERE THEY HAVE THE LIGHTS IN
  • 37:11 - 37:12
    THE SKY?
  • 37:12 - 37:12
    >> YEAH.
  • 37:12 - 37:13
    >> YEAH, RIGHT.
  • 37:13 - 37:13
    >> I ALWAYS WONDERED HOW THEY
  • 37:13 - 37:15
    GET 'EM SO BRIGHT, SO I WENT AND
  • 37:15 - 37:15
    STARED INTO IT.
  • 37:15 - 37:17
    >> YEAH? STARED INTO THE LIGHT?
  • 37:17 - 37:17
    >> YEAH.
  • 37:17 - 37:18
    >> FOR HOW LONG?
  • 37:18 - 37:19
    >> ABOUT A HALF AN HOUR.
  • 37:19 - 37:20
    >> YEAH?
  • 37:20 - 37:20
    >> THE DOCTOR SAYS IT'S ONLY
  • 37:20 - 37:22
    TEMPORARY.
  • 37:22 - 37:22
    MY SIGHT WILL PROBABLY COME
  • 37:22 - 37:23
    BACK.
  • 37:23 - 37:24
    >> OH, THAT'S GOOD.
  • 37:24 - 37:25
    AND YET YOU STILL DRIVE?
  • 37:25 - 37:26
    >> DAMN RIGHT I STILL DRIVE!
  • 37:26 - 37:29
    WHAT SHOULD I DO -- SIT HOME AND
  • 37:29 - 37:29
    COLLECT WELFARE?
  • 37:29 - 37:31
    I KNOW THESE STREETS LIKE THE
  • 37:31 - 37:32
    BACK OF MY HAND.
  • 37:32 - 37:33
    >> YEAH?
  • 37:33 - 37:34
    >> THAT'S RIGHT.
  • 37:34 - 37:36
    >> WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.
  • 37:36 - 37:36
    >> THANK YOU.
  • 37:36 - 37:38
    >> YEAH.
  • 37:38 - 37:38
    >> 56th AND MADISON.
  • 37:38 - 37:40
    >> GOT TO GO NOW, PAL.
  • 37:40 - 37:41
    GOT A FARE.
  • 37:41 - 37:42
    >> OKAY.
  • 37:42 - 37:42
    >> ANY CARS IN FRONT OF US?
  • 37:42 - 37:45
    >> NO.
  • 37:45 - 37:45
    [ HORN HONKS ]
  • 37:45 - 37:56
    [ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
  • 37:56 - 37:57
    >> Announcer: IN AN
  • 37:57 - 37:59
    UNPRECEDENTED MOVE TO EASE WORLD
  • 37:59 - 38:00
    TENSION, THE COUNTRY OF ISRAEL
  • 38:00 - 38:03
    AND THE STATE OF GEORGIA HAVE
  • 38:03 - 38:03
    AGREED TO CHANGE PLACES.
  • 38:03 - 38:07
    THE ENTIRE STATE OF GEORGIA --
  • 38:07 - 38:07
    RESIDENTS, BUSINESSES, ALL FORMS
  • 38:07 - 38:11
    OF COMMERCE -- WILL RELOCATE IN
  • 38:11 - 38:12
    THE MIDDLE EAST ON JANUARY 1,
  • 38:12 - 38:15
    1977.
  • 38:15 - 38:16
    NO BUILDINGS WILL BE MOVED.
  • 38:16 - 38:19
    IT WILL BE AN EVEN PROPERTY
  • 38:19 - 38:19
    EXCHANGE.
  • 38:19 - 38:26
    >> THIS IS INDEED AN AUSPICIOUS
  • 38:26 - 38:27
    OCCASION OF THE 20th CENTURY,
  • 38:27 - 38:31
    AND I HOPE THAT NEW ORLEANS WILL
  • 38:31 - 38:31
    BE EASIER TO DEAL WITH THAN
  • 38:31 - 38:33
    CAIRO.
  • 38:33 - 38:34
    [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
  • 38:34 - 38:37
    >> I KNOW -- I KNOW THAT MY
  • 38:37 - 38:38
    ENTIRE STATE IS LOOKING FORWARD
  • 38:38 - 38:41
    TO HEAT WITHOUT HUMIDITY.
  • 38:41 - 38:42
    [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
  • 38:42 - 38:52
    [ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
  • 38:52 - 38:53
    >> Announcer: IN A SWEEPING
  • 38:53 - 38:55
    MAJORITY VOTE, THIS PROGRESSIVE
  • 38:55 - 38:56
    STATE HAS DECIDED TO LOWER THE
  • 38:56 - 39:00
    AGE OF CONSENT FROM 18 TO 7.
  • 39:00 - 39:00
    BUSINESSES OF ALL TYPES REPORT A
  • 39:00 - 39:03
    SURGE IN ACTIVITY.
  • 39:03 - 39:04
    >> ACTUALLY, UH, I'M IN -- I'M
  • 39:04 - 39:07
    IN ADVERTISING.
  • 39:07 - 39:07
    HERE. I'LL SHOW YOU.
  • 39:07 - 39:12
    THIS IS MY COMPANY HERE.
  • 39:12 - 39:12
    >> I CAN'T READ YET.
  • 39:12 - 39:15
    >> OH, WELL, THIS SAYS THAT I'M
  • 39:15 - 39:15
    IN CHARGE OF CASTING.
  • 39:15 - 39:18
    I CAST A LOT OF PEOPLE, YOU
  • 39:18 - 39:19
    KNOW, LIKE YOURSELF.
  • 39:19 - 39:20
    >> MM-HMM.
  • 39:20 - 39:20
    >> YOU HAVE VERY NICE
  • 39:20 - 39:23
    CHEEKBONES.
  • 39:23 - 39:23
    >> EXCUSE ME, SIR.
  • 39:23 - 39:26
    I'M WITH "THE IMPOSSIBLE TRUTH."
  • 39:26 - 39:27
    DO YOU LIVE UP IN THIS AREA?
  • 39:27 - 39:28
    >> NO, I'M FROM L.A.
  • 39:28 - 39:29
    >> AH. WHO'S YOUR DATE?
  • 39:29 - 39:31
    >> IT'S JUST SOMEONE I'M TALKING
  • 39:31 - 39:31
    TO HERE.
  • 39:31 - 39:32
    >> UH, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
  • 39:32 - 39:33
    >> WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE US
  • 39:33 - 39:35
    FOR A LITTLE WHILE, HUH?
  • 39:35 - 39:35
    >> ALL RIGHT.
  • 39:35 - 39:39
    >> UH, I'M STAYING, UH, AT THE
  • 39:39 - 39:39
    INN, YOU KNOW, OUT BY THE
  • 39:39 - 39:41
    AIRPORT THERE.
  • 39:41 - 39:41
    >> YEAH?
  • 39:41 - 39:42
    >> MAYBE -- I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
  • 39:42 - 39:43
    HAVE TIME...
  • 39:43 - 39:44
    >> Announcer: ALTHOUGH
  • 39:44 - 39:44
    "THE IMPOSSIBLE TRUTH" AIRS WHAT
  • 39:44 - 39:47
    IT MUST, SOME THINGS IT AIRS
  • 39:47 - 39:47
    DISGUSTS IT.
  • 39:47 - 39:53
    [ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
  • 39:53 - 39:54
    WHILE YOU ARE VIEWING THIS,
  • 39:54 - 39:58
    "THE IMPOSSIBLE TRUTH" CONTINUES
  • 39:58 - 39:58
    TO INVESTIGATE NEW LEADS, LIKE
  • 39:58 - 40:02
    THE WOMAN WHO SWIMS 24 HOURS A
  • 40:02 - 40:03
    DAY EVERY DAY OF HER LIFE...
  • 40:03 - 40:07
    OR THE MAN WHO CAN EAT A
  • 40:07 - 40:07
    THOUSAND EGGS...
  • 40:07 - 40:12
    OR THE GENIUS, WITH AN I.Q. OF
  • 40:12 - 40:16
    OVER 240.
  • 40:38 - 40:39
    >> Announcer: AND NOW WE RETURN
  • 40:39 - 40:43
    TO "BEE HOSPITAL."
  • 40:43 - 40:44
    [ ELEVATOR BELL DINGS ]
  • 40:44 - 40:50
    >> MR. BEE.
  • 40:50 - 40:50
    >> YES?
  • 40:50 - 40:52
    >> CONGRATULATIONS.
  • 40:52 - 40:52
    IT'S A DRONE.
  • 40:52 - 40:54
    >> IT'S A DRONE!
  • 40:54 - 40:55
    >> IT'S A DRONE!
  • 40:55 - 40:56
    >> CONGRATULATIONS, MAN!
  • 40:56 - 40:56
    >> CONGRATULATIONS.
  • 40:56 - 40:58
    IT'S A DRONE.
  • 40:58 - 40:59
    >> OH!
  • 40:59 - 41:05
    [ ELEVATOR BELL DINGS ]
  • 41:05 - 41:05
    >> MR. BEE?
  • 41:05 - 41:07
    >> YES?
  • 41:07 - 41:07
    >> CONGRATULATIONS.
  • 41:07 - 41:09
    IT'S A DRONE.
  • 41:09 - 41:09
    >> YEAH!
  • 41:09 - 41:12
    >> IT'S A DRONE!
  • 41:12 - 41:13
    IT'S A DRONE!
  • 41:13 - 41:20
    [ ELEVATOR BELL DINGS ]
  • 41:20 - 41:20
    >> MR. BEE?
  • 41:20 - 41:22
    >> YES?
  • 41:22 - 41:23
    >> CONGRATULATIONS.
  • 41:23 - 41:25
    IT'S A WORKER!
  • 41:25 - 41:25
    >> IT'S A WORKER?
  • 41:25 - 41:28
    >> HEY, IT'S A WORKER.
  • 41:28 - 41:28
    IT'S A WORKER.
  • 41:28 - 41:31
    >> A WORKER.
  • 41:31 - 41:31
    AW, IT'S A WORKER!
  • 41:31 - 41:33
    >> CONGRATULATIONS.
  • 41:33 - 41:33
    >> IT'S A WORKER.
  • 41:33 - 41:35
    >> Announcer: THUS CONCLUDES
  • 41:35 - 41:36
    THIS WEEK'S CHAPTER OF
  • 41:36 - 41:37
    "BEE HOSPITAL."
  • 41:37 - 41:38
    AND NOW A SCENE FROM NEXT WEEK'S
  • 41:38 - 41:43
    EPISODE OF "BEE HOSPITAL."
  • 41:43 - 41:44
    [ ELEVATOR BELL DINGS ]
  • 41:44 - 41:47
    >> MR. BEE?
  • 41:47 - 41:47
    >> YES?
  • 41:47 - 41:49
    >> CONGRATULATIONS, MR. BEE.
  • 41:49 - 41:49
    IT'S A QUEEN.
  • 41:49 - 41:51
    >> OH, AAH!
  • 41:51 - 41:51
    >> HEY, HEY, HEY, HUH?
  • 41:51 - 41:54
    IT'S A QUEEN!
  • 41:54 - 41:54
    >> IT'S A QUEEN!
  • 41:54 - 41:57
    [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
  • 41:57 - 41:58
    [ RINGS ]
  • 41:58 - 42:01
    >> HELLO?
  • 42:01 - 42:01
    >> HELLO! BY JUST ANSWERING THIS
  • 42:01 - 42:04
    PHONE CALL, YOU HAVE QUALIFIED
  • 42:04 - 42:05
    FOR A CHALLENGING NEW CAREER
  • 42:05 - 42:07
    THAT COULD EARN YOU UP TO $80 A
  • 42:07 - 42:08
    DAY.
  • 42:08 - 42:09
    >> TELL ME MORE.
  • 42:09 - 42:09
    >> DID YOU KNOW THAT THE RECENT
  • 42:09 - 42:12
    GLUT OF LATE-NIGHT TV ADS FOR
  • 42:12 - 42:12
    SO-CALLED TRAINING SCHOOLS HAS
  • 42:12 - 42:15
    CREATED A DEMAND FOR SKILLED
  • 42:15 - 42:16
    PHONE ANSWERERS TO TAKE CALLS
  • 42:16 - 42:18
    AND WRITE DOWN MESSAGES?
  • 42:18 - 42:18
    IT'S TRUE.
  • 42:18 - 42:20
    THE COUNTLESS SCHOOLS AND
  • 42:20 - 42:21
    INSTITUTIONS THAT TEACH YOU
  • 42:21 - 42:23
    COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, MOTEL
  • 42:23 - 42:24
    MANAGEMENT, AIRPORT
  • 42:24 - 42:26
    SURVEILLANCE, AND DIESEL
  • 42:26 - 42:26
    MECHANICS, TO NAME BUT A FEW,
  • 42:26 - 42:28
    DESPERATELY NEED OPERATORS TO
  • 42:28 - 42:29
    STAND BY AT THE END OF THEIR TV
  • 42:29 - 42:31
    ADS.
  • 42:31 - 42:32
    NOW ABC, THE ACADEMY OF BETTER
  • 42:32 - 42:34
    CAREERS, OFFERS YOU THE CHANCE
  • 42:34 - 42:35
    TO BECOME ONE OF THESE
  • 42:35 - 42:37
    SOUGHT-AFTER, HIGH-PAID STANDBY
  • 42:37 - 42:39
    OPERATORS.
  • 42:39 - 42:39
    YOU'LL LEARN THE LATEST
  • 42:39 - 42:41
    UP-TO-THE-MINUTE PHONE-ANSWERING
  • 42:41 - 42:42
    TECHNIQUES FROM OUR STAFF OF
  • 42:42 - 42:44
    EXPERIENCED INSTRUCTORS.
  • 42:44 - 42:45
    >> HELLO?
  • 42:45 - 42:48
    >> HELLO?
  • 42:48 - 42:48
    >> HELLO.
  • 42:48 - 42:50
    > YOU'LL EXPLORE THE
  • 42:50 - 42:51
    TELEPHONE -- ITS PAST, ITS
  • 42:51 - 42:54
    PRESENT, AND EVEN THE AMAZING
  • 42:54 - 42:55
    PICTURE PHONES OF THE FUTURE.
  • 42:55 - 42:57
    >> NOW, THESE ARE THE AREA
  • 42:57 - 42:57
    CODES...
  • 42:57 - 42:59
    >> IN ONLY SIX WEEKS, OUR
  • 42:59 - 42:59
    EXPERTS WILL SHOW YOU EVERYTHING
  • 42:59 - 43:02
    YOU NEED TO KNOW TO ANSWER
  • 43:02 - 43:02
    PHONES PROFESSIONALLY.
  • 43:02 - 43:06
    >> ...9-4.
  • 43:06 - 43:08
    CHAD...
  • 43:08 - 43:09
    >> ABC IS VETERAN-APPROVED BY
  • 43:09 - 43:11
    THE FEDERAL BOARD OF PUBLIC
  • 43:11 - 43:11
    INSTRUCTION AND IS ELIGIBLE
  • 43:11 - 43:14
    UNDER THE STUDENT --
  • 43:14 - 43:14
    >> EXCUSE ME, MISTER.
  • 43:14 - 43:15
    I HAVE TO GET OFF.
  • 43:15 - 43:16
    >> BUT WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
  • 43:16 - 43:18
    >> TO CALL ABC AND START MY NEW
  • 43:18 - 43:19
    CAREER AS A SOUGHT-AFTER,
  • 43:19 - 43:25
    HIGH-PAID STANDBY OPERATOR.
  • 43:25 - 43:25
    >> HEY, DON'T LET LIFE PUT YOU
  • 43:25 - 43:27
    ON HOLD.
  • 43:27 - 43:29
    BECOME A STANDBY OPERATOR.
  • 43:29 - 43:29
    CALL NOW FOR A FREE BOOKLET!
  • 43:29 - 43:33
    CALL 311-555-4425.
  • 43:33 - 43:33
    THAT'S 311-555-4425.
  • 43:33 - 43:37
    OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY TO
  • 43:37 - 43:38
    TAKE YOUR CALL.
  • 43:39 - 43:39
    >> Announcer: AND NOW,
  • 43:39 - 43:53
    COMEDIENNE VALRI BROMFIELD!
  • 43:53 - 43:53
    >> THANK YOU.
  • 43:53 - 43:56
    I DON'T LOOK LIKE A COMEDIAN, DO
  • 43:56 - 43:56
    I?
  • 43:56 - 43:57
    THAT'S BECAUSE I'M NOT.
  • 43:57 - 43:58
    I'M A SCHOOLTEACHER, AND,
  • 43:58 - 43:59
    PEOPLE, I NEED A LOT OF SILENCE
  • 43:59 - 44:00
    IN THIS ROOM IF I'M GOING TO
  • 44:00 - 44:01
    TALK.
  • 44:01 - 44:01
    PEOPLE, PEOPLE, PLEASE, PLEASE,
  • 44:01 - 44:04
    PEOPLE, PEOPLE, PEOPLE, AM I IN
  • 44:04 - 44:04
    A ZOO?!
  • 44:04 - 44:06
    ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE.
  • 44:06 - 44:07
    PLEASE, LET'S BRING YOU OUT OF
  • 44:07 - 44:09
    THE SUBURBS AND INTO THE CITY.
  • 44:09 - 44:09
    I'D LIKE TO HAVE A FEW WORDS
  • 44:09 - 44:10
    WITH YOU.
  • 44:10 - 44:11
    OKAY, OKAY, PEOPLE.
  • 44:11 - 44:14
    NOW, TODAY, WE HAVE A BIG
  • 44:14 - 44:14
    VOLLEYBALL GAME AHEAD OF US,
  • 44:14 - 44:16
    PEOPLE, AND AS YOU KNOW, THE
  • 44:16 - 44:17
    PRINCIPAL IS COUNTING ON WINNING
  • 44:17 - 44:18
    THE CUP.
  • 44:18 - 44:19
    THE PRINCIPAL IS A WHAT?
  • 44:19 - 44:21
    IS THIS A FRENCH FILM I'M LIVING
  • 44:21 - 44:22
    IN, PEOPLE?!
  • 44:22 - 44:24
    PLEASE, I HAVE A FEW POINTS TO
  • 44:24 - 44:24
    MAKE.
  • 44:24 - 44:25
    I'D LIKE TO MAKE THEM.
  • 44:25 - 44:26
    OKAY, PEOPLE, NOW, FIRST OF ALL,
  • 44:26 - 44:28
    WE'RE IN OUR LOVELY GYM TOGS,
  • 44:28 - 44:29
    AND I'D LIKE TO KEEP THEM
  • 44:29 - 44:31
    LOOKING LOVELY AND CRISP.
  • 44:31 - 44:32
    TURQUOISE AND WHITE -- A VERY
  • 44:32 - 44:34
    GOOD COMBINATION, OKAY, BUT,
  • 44:34 - 44:35
    KEEP THE BOX PLEAT NICE AND
  • 44:35 - 44:36
    NEAT.
  • 44:36 - 44:37
    DON'T SIT DOWN DURING THE GAME.
  • 44:37 - 44:40
    OKAY, AND ANOTHER THING, PEOPLE,
  • 44:40 - 44:40
    PLEASE, TWO POINTS I'D LIKE TO
  • 44:40 - 44:43
    MAKE HERE -- DRESS SHIELDS.
  • 44:43 - 44:44
    DRESS SHIELDS, GIRLS, OKAY?
  • 44:44 - 44:47
    JUST FOR THAT EXTRA NEATNESS.
  • 44:47 - 44:48
    OH, AND, PEOPLE, THE HAIRSTYLES
  • 44:48 - 44:51
    ARE VERY, VERY NICE, INDEED, BUT
  • 44:51 - 44:51
    LET'S KEEP THEM BACK OFF THE
  • 44:51 - 44:54
    EYES, PEOPLE, OKAY?
  • 44:54 - 44:54
    I'VE GOT SOME HAIRNETS HERE.
  • 44:54 - 44:57
    "OOH!" YOURSELVES!
  • 44:57 - 44:58
    NOW, PEOPLE...
  • 44:58 - 45:02
    OH, I'VE GOT -- YOUR TEAM
  • 45:02 - 45:02
    CAPTAIN DEBBIE HERE WOULD LIKE
  • 45:02 - 45:04
    TO HAVE A FEW WORDS WITH YOU
  • 45:04 - 45:05
    BEFORE YOUR GAME, OKAY?
  • 45:05 - 45:07
    OKAY, DEBBIE?
  • 45:07 - 45:08
    THANKS. [ SIGHS ]
  • 45:08 - 45:11
    OKAY, SHUT UP.
  • 45:11 - 45:12
    OKAY.
  • 45:12 - 45:17
    [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
  • 45:17 - 45:18
    OKAY, SO WE'RE GONNA HAVE A GAME
  • 45:18 - 45:20
    AND EVERYTHING, I GUESS, OR I
  • 45:20 - 45:21
    WOULDN'T BE WEARING THESE
  • 45:21 - 45:22
    THINGS!
  • 45:22 - 45:22
    UGH! [ LAUGHS ]
  • 45:22 - 45:25
    OKAY, SO THE MOST IMPORTANT
  • 45:25 - 45:26
    THING WE HAVE TO DO IS TO GO OUT
  • 45:26 - 45:29
    THERE AND BE REALLY, REALLY
  • 45:29 - 45:29
    CUTE, OKAY?
  • 45:29 - 45:32
    'CAUSE WE ARE REALLY PRETTY
  • 45:32 - 45:32
    CUTE.
  • 45:32 - 45:34
    AND LISTEN TO ME -- SOMETHING
  • 45:34 - 45:34
    REALLY GREAT -- THERE'S SOME
  • 45:34 - 45:36
    GUYS OUT THERE WHO ARE SUCH
  • 45:36 - 45:36
    DUHs, YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE!
  • 45:36 - 45:39
    THERE'S JIMMY AND MARK AND
  • 45:39 - 45:39
    CONNOR.
  • 45:39 - 45:41
    AND WHEN I THINK ABOUT THE GUYS,
  • 45:41 - 45:42
    I CAN'T GO OUT THERE!
  • 45:42 - 45:44
    HAVE A GOOD GAME.
  • 45:44 - 45:46
    [ BAND PLAYS ]
  • 45:53 - 45:53
    >> WE AT "SATURDAY NIGHT" WANTED
  • 45:53 - 45:56
    TO SEE WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE CARRY
  • 45:56 - 45:57
    GUNS, SO WE TOOK OUR CAMERA CREW
  • 45:57 - 46:00
    INTO THE STREETS TO FIND OUT.
  • 46:00 - 46:00
    [ ROSSINI'S "WILLIAM TELL
  • 46:00 - 47:20
    OVERTURE" PLAYS ]
  • 47:20 - 47:20
    WHEN YOU SEE OUR
  • 47:20 - 47:22
    "SATURDAY NIGHT" TRUCK IN YOUR
  • 47:22 - 47:23
    NEIGHBORHOOD, SHOW US YOUR GUNS.
  • 47:23 - 47:26
    [ FINALE PLAYS ]
  • 47:26 - 47:28
    [ APPLAUSE ]
  • 47:33 - 47:34
    >> IT'S ALREADY SUNDAY, AND IT'S
  • 47:34 - 47:37
    GOD'S DAY OFF.
  • 47:37 - 47:37
    THAT'S WHAT IT SAID IN
  • 47:37 - 47:39
    THE BIBLE -- HE WORKED SIX DAYS,
  • 47:39 - 47:39
    AND HE TOOK SUNDAY OFF.
  • 47:39 - 47:41
    IT'S HIS ONE DAY OFF, AND THAT'S
  • 47:41 - 47:42
    THE DAY WE ALL GO AND CROWD INTO
  • 47:42 - 47:44
    CHURCH AND ASK HIM...
  • 47:44 - 47:44
    [ MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY ]
  • 47:44 - 47:48
    "MY DAY OFF, MAN."
  • 47:48 - 47:48
    WELL, WE CREATED GOD IN OUR OWN
  • 47:48 - 47:50
    IMAGE AND LIKENESS -- NO
  • 47:50 - 47:51
    QUESTION ABOUT THAT.
  • 47:51 - 47:53
    EVERY TIME I SEE A PICTURE OF
  • 47:53 - 47:53
    GOD, I MEAN, HE HAS KNEES AND
  • 47:53 - 47:56
    TOENAILS, RIGHT?
  • 47:56 - 47:57
    THERE'S A GOOD EXAMPLE -- A
  • 47:57 - 47:59
    BETTER EXAMPLE OF OUR KIND OF
  • 47:59 - 47:59
    SELF-CENTEREDNESS WHEN IT COMES
  • 47:59 - 48:01
    TO GOD.
  • 48:01 - 48:02
    WHEN WE PUT A STATUE OF JESUS ON
  • 48:02 - 48:05
    THE DASHBOARD, INSTEAD OF HAVING
  • 48:05 - 48:06
    HIM LOOKING OUT AND WATCHING FOR
  • 48:06 - 48:09
    TRAFFIC, WHICH IS WHAT HE SHOULD
  • 48:09 - 48:10
    BE DOING...WE HAVE HIM WATCHING
  • 48:10 - 48:13
    US DRIVE.
  • 48:13 - 48:14
    "HEY! WATCH THIS, JESUS!
  • 48:14 - 48:17
    LEFT TURN!"
  • 48:17 - 48:17
    AHHHHH!
  • 48:17 - 48:22
    YOU EVER SEE A STATUE LEAP?
  • 48:22 - 48:22
    JUMPED RIGHT UP INTO THE BABY
  • 48:22 - 48:25
    SHOES THAT TIME.
  • 48:25 - 48:25
    [ LAUGHTER ]
  • 48:25 - 48:28
    DON'T WORRY. DON'T WORRY.
  • 48:28 - 48:29
    THE UNIVERSE IS IN BALANCE,
  • 48:29 - 48:31
    BECAUSE JESUS HAS A STATUE OF A
  • 48:31 - 48:32
    MIDDLE-CLASS AMERICAN HYPOCRITE
  • 48:32 - 48:34
    ON HIS DASHBOARD, SO IT'S NICE,
  • 48:34 - 48:34
    YEAH.
  • 48:34 - 48:37
    THINGS WORK OUT WELL.
  • 48:37 - 48:37
    BUT WE ARE SO CONCEITED ABOUT
  • 48:37 - 48:40
    THIS GOD CONCEPT THAT WE'LL GO
  • 48:40 - 48:40
    AROUND DESCRIBING HIM TO EACH
  • 48:40 - 48:42
    OTHER.
  • 48:42 - 48:42
    I MEAN, WE SAY, "HE'S INFINITE,
  • 48:42 - 48:44
    AND WE CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND HIM,
  • 48:44 - 48:45
    BUT I'LL DESCRIBE HIM FOR YOU."
  • 48:45 - 48:46
    "WHAT?"
  • 48:46 - 48:47
    "WELL, HERE'S WHAT HE'S LIKE.
  • 48:47 - 48:50
    FIRST OF ALL -- FIRST OF ALL, HE
  • 48:50 - 48:50
    KNOWS EVERYTHING.
  • 48:50 - 48:53
    HE KNOWS ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.
  • 48:53 - 48:53
    I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M
  • 48:53 - 48:55
    TALKING ABOUT -- HE KNOWS WHAT I
  • 48:55 - 48:55
    MEAN.
  • 48:55 - 48:59
    SECONDLY, HE NEVER STARTED, AND
  • 48:59 - 48:59
    HE'S NEVER GONNA END.
  • 48:59 - 49:03
    AND THIRD, HE IS ALL-POWERFUL.
  • 49:03 - 49:04
    HE CAN DO ANYTHING.
  • 49:04 - 49:06
    HE CAN THROW A CAR RIGHT OVER A
  • 49:06 - 49:06
    WALL.
  • 49:06 - 49:11
    HE'S JUST LIKE US.
  • 49:11 - 49:11
    HE'S A COOL GUY.
  • 49:11 - 49:13
    THAT'S ALL GOD -- HE'S A COOL
  • 49:13 - 49:13
    GUY."
  • 49:13 - 49:14
    THAT'S WHAT ALL THE RELIGIONS
  • 49:14 - 49:15
    TOLD US -- HE'S LIKE US.
  • 49:15 - 49:16
    HE'S US.
  • 49:16 - 49:17
    THAT'S WHAT ALL THE BIG ONES --
  • 49:17 - 49:18
    ALL THE BIG RELIGIONS SAID,
  • 49:18 - 49:19
    "LOVE YOURSELF, LOVE YOUR GOD,
  • 49:19 - 49:21
    LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR, BECAUSE
  • 49:21 - 49:21
    YOU'RE ALL BASICALLY THE SAME
  • 49:21 - 49:23
    PERSON.
  • 49:23 - 49:23
    WE JUST DON'T HAVE UNIFORMS
  • 49:23 - 49:25
    YET -- THAT'S ALL."
  • 49:25 - 49:26
    [ LAUGHTER ]
  • 49:26 - 49:28
    AND WE DO GO FOR THAT, DON'T WE?
  • 49:28 - 49:28
    WE KIND OF BUY THAT.
  • 49:28 - 49:30
    "OH, YEAH, I'M GOD.
  • 49:30 - 49:30
    SURE, I'M GOD.
  • 49:30 - 49:31
    STANLEY IS GOD.
  • 49:31 - 49:32
    ARLENE IS GOD.
  • 49:32 - 49:34
    GOD AND ME ARE ARLENE AND
  • 49:34 - 49:34
    STANLEY."
  • 49:34 - 49:35
    I MEAN, IT'S A LITTLE
  • 49:35 - 49:36
    COMPLICATED, BUT WE DO KIND OF
  • 49:36 - 49:37
    BELIEVE THAT.
  • 49:37 - 49:38
    AND IF GOD IS LIKE US, I THINK,
  • 49:38 - 49:41
    PERHAPS, HE MIGHT BE SUBJECT TO
  • 49:41 - 49:42
    PHYSICAL LAWS.
  • 49:42 - 49:46
    I MEAN, SUPERNATURAL, BUT
  • 49:46 - 49:46
    SUBJECT TO PHYSICAL LAWS,
  • 49:46 - 49:47
    POSSIBLY.
  • 49:47 - 49:48
    IT WOULD EXPLAIN A LOT OF
  • 49:48 - 49:49
    THINGS.
  • 49:49 - 49:49
    IT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY HE ALWAYS
  • 49:49 - 49:51
    HAS TO SEND AN ANGEL AS A
  • 49:51 - 49:51
    MESSENGER.
  • 49:51 - 49:54
    I MEAN, IF HE'S GOD, WHY DOESN'T
  • 49:54 - 49:54
    HE SHOW UP?
  • 49:54 - 49:55
    "HEY, I GOT A MESSAGE FOR YOU.
  • 49:55 - 49:56
    HERE YOU GO."
  • 49:56 - 49:56
    [ LAUGHTER ]
  • 49:56 - 49:57
    SENDS AN ANGEL.
  • 49:57 - 49:59
    AND THE ANGEL ALWAYS FLIES IN
  • 49:59 - 49:59
    OVER A MOUNTAIN.
  • 49:59 - 50:01
    I MEAN, THAT IMPLIES THE
  • 50:01 - 50:01
    TRAVERSING OF PHYSICAL SPACE.
  • 50:01 - 50:03
    SO, POSSIBLY, GOD IS SUBJECT TO
  • 50:03 - 50:04
    PHYSICAL LAWS.
  • 50:04 - 50:06
    PEOPLE SAY, "WELL, IF GOD IS SO
  • 50:06 - 50:06
    BENEVOLENT, HOW CAN HE LET
  • 50:06 - 50:09
    PEOPLE SUFFER?"
  • 50:09 - 50:10
    HE CAN'T HELP IT, LADY --
  • 50:10 - 50:13
    SUBJECT TO PHYSICAL LAWS.
  • 50:13 - 50:14
    MAYBE HE'S ONLY A SEMI-SUPREME
  • 50:14 - 50:18
    BEING, BECAUSE HE'S LIKE US, AND
  • 50:18 - 50:19
    WE'RE NOT PERFECT.
  • 50:19 - 50:22
    I THINK GOD MAY NOT BE PERFECT.
  • 50:22 - 50:23
    I THINK HIS WORK SHOWS THAT.
  • 50:23 - 50:26
    [ LAUGHTER ]
  • 50:26 - 50:27
    TAKE A LOOK AT A MOUNTAIN RANGE.
  • 50:27 - 50:28
    THEY'RE ALL CROOKED.
  • 50:28 - 50:28
    THEY'RE NEVER IN LINE, ALL
  • 50:28 - 50:30
    DIFFERENT SIZES.
  • 50:30 - 50:31
    THERE ARE NO TWO LEAVES THE
  • 50:31 - 50:32
    SAME.
  • 50:32 - 50:33
    HE CAN'T EVEN GIVE TWO PEOPLE
  • 50:33 - 50:35
    THE SAME FINGERPRINTS.
  • 50:35 - 50:35
    HE'S HAD BILLIONS OF YEARS TO
  • 50:35 - 50:38
    WORK ON THIS STUFF.
  • 50:38 - 50:39
    AND EVERYTHING HE HAS EVER MADE
  • 50:39 - 50:44
    DIED!
  • 50:44 - 50:45
    [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
  • 50:45 - 50:50
    EVERYTHING SO FAR -- SO FAR.
  • 50:50 - 50:51
    WHOA.
  • 50:51 - 50:55
    WHERE DID HE GET THIS GREAT
  • 50:55 - 50:56
    REPUTATION?
  • 50:56 - 50:59
    HE'S BATTING .000.
  • 50:59 - 50:59
    NOW, SOME RELIGIONS -- WHICH ARE
  • 50:59 - 51:02
    NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH GOD --
  • 51:02 - 51:03
    SOME RELIGIONS WILL TELL YOU
  • 51:03 - 51:05
    THAT IT'S QUITE OKAY NOT TO
  • 51:05 - 51:05
    WORRY ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE.
  • 51:05 - 51:08
    RELIGION IS A WAY OF RELIEVING
  • 51:08 - 51:08
    YOURSELF OF ANY RESPONSIBILITY
  • 51:08 - 51:10
    FOR YOUR ACTS.
  • 51:10 - 51:10
    "IT WAS GOD'S WILL.
  • 51:10 - 51:13
    YES, GOD'S WILL.
  • 51:13 - 51:14
    OH, I RAN OVER THE KID IN THE
  • 51:14 - 51:15
    DRIVEWAY, YES, BUT DON'T LOOK AT
  • 51:15 - 51:15
    ME.
  • 51:15 - 51:16
    [ CHUCKLES ]
  • 51:16 - 51:17
    GOD'S WILL."
  • 51:17 - 51:19
    [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
  • 51:19 - 51:19
    CAN YOU SEE A LYNCH MOB GOING,
  • 51:19 - 51:21
    "NOW, LET'S GET THIS GUY -- GOD.
  • 51:21 - 51:22
    THAT'S THE FOURTH KID HE'S
  • 51:22 - 51:24
    KILLED THIS WEEK."
  • 51:24 - 51:25
    RELIGION -- RELIGION AT BEST --
  • 51:25 - 51:29
    AT BEST -- IS LIKE A LIFT IN
  • 51:29 - 51:29
    YOUR SHOE.
  • 51:29 - 51:32
    IF YOU NEED IT FOR A WHILE AND
  • 51:32 - 51:32
    IT MAKES YOU WALK STRAIGHT AND
  • 51:32 - 51:35
    FEEL BETTER, FINE, BUT YOU DON'T
  • 51:35 - 51:35
    NEED IT FOREVER, OR YOU CAN
  • 51:35 - 51:38
    BECOME PERMANENTLY DISABLED.
  • 51:38 - 51:39
    RELIGION IS LIKE A LIFT IN THE
  • 51:39 - 51:40
    SHOE.
  • 51:40 - 51:40
    AND I SAY, JUST DON'T ASK ME TO
  • 51:40 - 51:43
    WEAR YOUR SHOES, AND LET'S NOT
  • 51:43 - 51:44
    GO DOWN AND NAIL LIFTS ONTO THE
  • 51:44 - 51:46
    NATIVES' FEET.
  • 51:46 - 51:46
    THANK YOU.
  • 51:46 - 51:52
    [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
  • 51:52 - 51:53
    >> Announcer: ONCE AGAIN, HERE'S
  • 51:53 - 51:56
    BILLY PRESTON WITH HIS NEW HIT
  • 51:56 - 51:56
    "FANCY LADY."
  • 51:56 - 51:59
    [ BILLY PRESTON'S "FANCY LADY"
  • 51:59 - 52:01
    PLAYS ]
  • 52:15 - 52:15
    >> ♪ FANCY LADY
  • 52:15 - 52:19
    IS MASQUERADING ♪
  • 52:19 - 52:20
    ♪ WITH A HEART THAT NOBODY CAN
  • 52:20 - 52:23
    SEE ♪
  • 52:23 - 52:24
    ♪ TIME IS WASTING THERE ♪
  • 52:24 - 52:27
    ♪ THERE'S NO ESCAPING ♪
  • 52:27 - 52:28
    ♪ HOW LONG WILL YOUR SWEET
  • 52:28 - 52:31
    PLEASURE BE? ♪
  • 52:31 - 52:32
    ♪ FANCY LADY,
  • 52:32 - 52:35
    YOU ARE JUST A STRANGER
  • 52:35 - 52:36
    TO ALL THE LOVERS YOU DON'T GET
  • 52:36 - 52:40
    TO KNOW ♪
  • 52:40 - 52:40
    ♪ YOU TRY HIDING ALL THE BROKEN
  • 52:40 - 52:44
    TRACES ♪
  • 52:44 - 52:44
    ♪ OF THE ONE LOVE YOU HAD TO
  • 52:44 - 52:47
    LET GO ♪
  • 52:47 - 52:48
    >> ♪ OH, I GOT LOVE ♪
  • 52:48 - 52:52
    >> ♪ YOU CAN SAMPLE MY WARES ♪
  • 52:52 - 52:52
    >> ♪ I GOT LOVE ♪
  • 52:52 - 52:54
    >> ♪ YOU GOT LOVE ♪
  • 52:54 - 52:55
    >> ♪ COME ON AND TRY IF YOU
  • 52:55 - 52:56
    DARE ♪
  • 52:56 - 52:56
    ♪ I GOT LOVE ♪
  • 52:56 - 52:58
    >> ♪ YOU GOT LOVE ♪
  • 52:58 - 52:58
    >> ♪ SAMPLE MY WA-A-A-RES ♪
  • 52:58 - 53:00
    >> ♪ SAMPLE YOUR WARES, BABY ♪
  • 53:00 - 53:00
    >> ♪ I GOT LOVE, HONEY ♪
  • 53:00 - 53:03
    >> ♪ YOU GOT REAL GOOD LOVE FOR
  • 53:03 - 53:03
    SALE ♪
  • 53:03 - 53:04
    >> ♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
  • 53:04 - 53:05
    >> ♪ FANCY LADY,
  • 53:05 - 53:07
    WHERE ARE ALL YOUR CHILDREN,
  • 53:07 - 53:07
    GIRL ♪
  • 53:07 - 53:11
    ♪ WHO WERE BORN TO YOU, SO SWEET
  • 53:11 - 53:11
    AND TRUE? ♪
  • 53:11 - 53:14
    ♪ WILL YOU GIVE THEM ALL YOUR
  • 53:14 - 53:15
    SAD PARADING ♪
  • 53:15 - 53:18
    ♪ HAVE THEM DOING THE SAME
  • 53:18 - 53:19
    THINGS YOU DO? ♪
  • 53:19 - 53:23
    ♪ THE GREAT CREATOR, HE'S A
  • 53:23 - 53:23
    LIBERATOR, YES, HE IS ♪
  • 53:23 - 53:27
    ♪ HE ALWAYS LENDS A HELPING
  • 53:27 - 53:27
    HAND ♪
  • 53:27 - 53:30
    ♪ FANCY LADY,
  • 53:30 - 53:31
    TIME IS NO WAITER ♪
  • 53:31 - 53:35
    ♪ IT WILL RUN OUT ON YOU BEFORE
  • 53:35 - 53:35
    YOU CAN SAY ♪
  • 53:35 - 53:53
    [ INSTRUMENTAL SOLO ]
  • 53:53 - 53:54
    ♪ FANCY LADY, AH,
  • 53:54 - 53:57
    YOU'RE JUST A STRANGER, GIRL,
  • 53:57 - 53:58
    TO ALL THE LOVERS YOU DON'T GET
  • 53:58 - 54:01
    TO KNOW ♪
  • 54:01 - 54:02
    ♪ YOU TRY HIDING ALL YOUR BROKEN
  • 54:02 - 54:06
    TRACES ♪
  • 54:06 - 54:06
    ♪ OF THAT ONE LOVE YOU HAD TO
  • 54:06 - 54:10
    LET GO ♪
  • 54:10 - 54:10
    ♪ FANCY LADY,
  • 54:10 - 54:14
    HE'S A GREAT CREATOR, GIRL ♪
  • 54:14 - 54:14
    ♪ THE LORD IS ALWAYS LENDING A
  • 54:14 - 54:18
    HELPING HAND ♪
  • 54:18 - 54:18
    ♪ FANCY LADY,
  • 54:18 - 54:22
    TIME IS NO WAITER ♪
  • 54:22 - 54:23
    ♪ IT WILL RUN OUT ON YOU BEFORE
  • 54:23 - 54:26
    YOU CAN SAY ♪
  • 54:26 - 54:26
    >> ♪ I GOT LOVE ♪
  • 54:26 - 54:34
    [ DRUM SOLO ]
  • 54:34 - 54:34
    >> ♪ I GOT LOVE, BABY ♪
  • 54:34 - 54:38
    >> ♪ SAMPLE MY WARES ♪
  • 54:38 - 54:38
    >> ♪ I GOT LOVE, BABY ♪
  • 54:38 - 54:42
    ♪ YEAH, TRY IT IF YOU DARE ♪
  • 54:42 - 54:42
    >> ♪ I GOT LOVE, BABY ♪
  • 54:42 - 54:44
    >> ♪ YOU GOT LOVE ♪
  • 54:44 - 54:44
    >> ♪ SAMPLE MY WA-A-A-RES ♪
  • 54:44 - 54:46
    >> ♪ SAMPLE YOUR WARES ♪
  • 54:46 - 54:46
    >> ♪ I GOT TO LOVE, BOY ♪
  • 54:46 - 54:49
    >> ♪ YOU GOT TO LOVE ♪
  • 54:49 - 54:49
    >> ♪ TRY IT IF YOU DARE ♪
  • 54:49 - 54:51
    >> ♪ I'M A MAN ♪
  • 54:51 - 54:51
    ♪ GIVE IT TO ME ♪
  • 54:51 - 54:53
    ♪ GIVE IT TO ME ♪
  • 54:53 - 54:54
    >> ♪ SAMPLE MY WARES, BOY ♪
  • 54:54 - 54:55
    >> ♪ I WANT YOUR LOVE, BABY,
  • 54:55 - 54:55
    YEAH ♪
  • 54:55 - 54:57
    >> ♪ I GOT LOVE ♪
  • 54:57 - 54:57
    ♪ YOU CAN TRY IT IF YOU DARE ♪
  • 54:57 - 55:00
    >> ♪ GIVE IT TO ME, BABY ♪
  • 55:00 - 55:00
    >> ♪ OH, YEAH ♪
  • 55:00 - 55:02
    ♪ WHOO-OOH-OOH ♪
  • 55:02 - 55:02
    >> ♪ I GOT LOVE, BABY ♪
  • 55:02 - 55:04
    ♪ I GOT IT ♪
  • 55:04 - 55:04
    >> ♪ SAMPLE MY WARES! ♪
  • 55:04 - 55:27
    [ INSTRUMENTAL SOLO ]
  • 55:27 - 55:27
    >> ♪ AH! ♪
  • 55:27 - 55:35
    ♪ AH ♪
  • 55:35 - 55:36
    ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
  • 55:36 - 55:38
    [ FINALE PLAYS ]
  • 55:38 - 55:40
    [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
  • 55:46 - 55:46
    >> OH, HONEY, "BOEING BOEING"
  • 55:46 - 55:49
    WITH JERRY LEWIS IS ON IN 10
  • 55:49 - 55:49
    MINUTES.
  • 55:49 - 55:51
    >> AW, SWEETHEART, I'M TIRED.
  • 55:51 - 55:52
    I THINK I'M JUST GONNA HAVE
  • 55:52 - 55:54
    ANOTHER GLASS OF DIET ROOT BEER
  • 55:54 - 55:55
    AND GO TO BED, OKAY?
  • 55:55 - 55:56
    [ GLASS SHATTERS ]
  • 55:56 - 55:56
    >> ALL RIGHT.
  • 55:56 - 55:57
    >> WHAT WAS THAT?!
  • 55:57 - 55:58
    WHAT'S GOING --
  • 55:58 - 55:59
    >> HI, THERE!
  • 55:59 - 55:59
    PLEASE DO NOT BE ALARMED.
  • 55:59 - 56:02
    THIS IS ONLY A SIMULATED ASSAULT
  • 56:02 - 56:02
    AND BURGLARY.
  • 56:02 - 56:04
    REPEAT -- THIS IS A SIMULATED
  • 56:04 - 56:04
    ASSAULT AND BURGLARY.
  • 56:04 - 56:06
    THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU AT ANY
  • 56:06 - 56:06
    TIME.
  • 56:06 - 56:07
    IN FACT, IT JUST HAS.
  • 56:07 - 56:08
    >> HONEY, CALL THE POLICE!
  • 56:08 - 56:09
    DO SOMETHING!
  • 56:09 - 56:09
    >> NO, NO, NO, NO.
  • 56:09 - 56:11
    DON'T CALL THE POLICE.
  • 56:11 - 56:11
    I AM THE POLICE.
  • 56:11 - 56:13
    I MIGHT BE, ANYWAY.
  • 56:13 - 56:14
    HI, MR. AND MRS. KROMER.
  • 56:14 - 56:16
    MY NAME IS KENNY VORSTRATHER.
  • 56:16 - 56:17
    I'M PRESIDENT OF TROJAN HORSE
  • 56:17 - 56:21
    HOME SECURITY.
  • 56:21 - 56:21
    I BROKE INTO YOUR HOME TONIGHT
  • 56:21 - 56:23
    TO SHOW YOU JUST HOW VULNERABLE
  • 56:23 - 56:24
    YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ARE TO
  • 56:24 - 56:25
    CRIME.
  • 56:25 - 56:26
    I SELL A COMPLETE RANGE OF
  • 56:26 - 56:28
    HOME-AND-GARDEN SECURITY
  • 56:28 - 56:28
    DEVICES.
  • 56:28 - 56:30
    YOU MIGHT SAY SECURITY IS MY
  • 56:30 - 56:30
    LIFE.
  • 56:30 - 56:32
    I'M FULLY QUALIFIED TO MAKE YOU
  • 56:32 - 56:32
    FEEL SECURE.
  • 56:32 - 56:34
    I USED TO BE AN ARMORED-TRUCK
  • 56:34 - 56:34
    MECHANIC IN LEEBER CITY,
  • 56:34 - 56:36
    ARIZONA.
  • 56:36 - 56:36
    AND, YOU, MR. KROMER, HAVE THE
  • 56:36 - 56:39
    PERFECT RIGHT TO THROW ME OUT OF
  • 56:39 - 56:39
    YOUR HOUSE, IF YOU THINK YOU
  • 56:39 - 56:42
    CAN.
  • 56:42 - 56:42
    >> IF I THINK I CAN?!
  • 56:42 - 56:44
    >> YOU'RE A PRETTY HEFTY GUY,
  • 56:44 - 56:45
    AREN'T YOU?
  • 56:45 - 56:46
    >> FREEZE, MR. KROMER, OR ELSE
  • 56:46 - 56:47
    THE LITTLE LADY GETS CRIPPLED!
  • 56:47 - 56:49
    >> [ LAUGHS ]
  • 56:49 - 56:50
    DON'T WORRY, FOLKS.
  • 56:50 - 56:51
    HE WON'T HURT YOU.
  • 56:51 - 56:51
    THIS IS MY ASSISTANT.
  • 56:51 - 56:53
    HE'S VICE PRESIDENT OF
  • 56:53 - 56:53
    TROJAN HORSE SECURITY.
  • 56:53 - 56:57
    HIS NAME IS HARVEY MORGOMASTER.
  • 56:57 - 56:57
    AND HARVEY, LIKE MYSELF, IS A
  • 56:57 - 56:59
    SECURITY EXPERT.
  • 56:59 - 57:00
    HE WORKED IN THE ARMY AS A
  • 57:00 - 57:02
    CAMOUFLAGE ARTIST, PAINTING THE
  • 57:02 - 57:03
    INSIDE OF PAYROLL VAULTS.
  • 57:03 - 57:06
    MR. AND MRS. KROMER, WE OFFER A
  • 57:06 - 57:06
    TOTAL-SECURITY PROTECTION PLAN
  • 57:06 - 57:09
    FOR YOUR FAMILY AND HOME -- FOR
  • 57:09 - 57:09
    INSTANCE, THE TPFLM SYSTEM.
  • 57:09 - 57:12
    >> TPFLM?
  • 57:12 - 57:12
    >> TACTICALLY POSITIONED
  • 57:12 - 57:14
    FRONT-LAWN MINES.
  • 57:14 - 57:15
    OR...HOW ABOUT THESE REC-ROOM
  • 57:15 - 57:18
    SEARCHLIGHTS, COLOR-COORDINATED
  • 57:18 - 57:19
    FOR FASHIONABLE SURVEILLANCE?
  • 57:19 - 57:22
    AND...FOR TOTAL PROTECTION IN
  • 57:22 - 57:22
    THE BATHROOM, TOILET-BOWL
  • 57:22 - 57:26
    PIRANHA.
  • 57:26 - 57:26
    IT'S A TOOTHY SURPRISE FOR THE
  • 57:26 - 57:29
    THIEF WHO CRAVES RELIEF,
  • 57:29 - 57:29
    MR. KROMER.
  • 57:29 - 57:31
    >> WELL, WAIT A MINUTE.
  • 57:31 - 57:32
    IF WE HAVE OUR -- OUR LAWN
  • 57:32 - 57:34
    MINED, WHAT DO WE NEED THIS
  • 57:34 - 57:35
    STUFF INSIDE THE HOUSE FOR?
  • 57:35 - 57:39
    >> OKAY. OKAY.
  • 57:39 - 57:39
    THAT'S A VERY GOOD QUESTION.
  • 57:39 - 57:41
    I'M GONNA ASK YOU A QUESTION
  • 57:41 - 57:42
    NOW.
  • 57:42 - 57:44
    IN THE EVENT OF A RADIOACTIVE
  • 57:44 - 57:45
    FIRESTORM, HOW SECURE ARE YOUR
  • 57:45 - 57:46
    FOODSTUFFS?
  • 57:46 - 57:47
    >> OH, WE HAVE A FRIDGE.
  • 57:47 - 57:51
    >> OKAY. I'M GONNA ASK YOU TO
  • 57:51 - 57:51
    HELP ME IN A SMALL
  • 57:51 - 57:53
    DEMONSTRATION OF SECURITY
  • 57:53 - 57:54
    TECHNIQUE.
  • 57:54 - 57:55
    IF YOU COULD GO INTO YOUR
  • 57:55 - 57:56
    KITCHEN NOW AND GET ME A TOMATO.
  • 57:56 - 57:58
    >> TOMATO?
  • 57:58 - 57:59
    >> YEAH, JUST A COMMON HOUSEHOLD
  • 57:59 - 58:01
    TOMATO -- GREEN, RED -- I DON'T
  • 58:01 - 58:01
    CARE -- RIPE, UNRIPE...
  • 58:01 - 58:05
    >> OKAY.
  • 58:05 - 58:05
    >> AAH! AAH! AAH!
  • 58:05 - 58:08
    >> SEE HOW FRIGHTENING THAT WAS,
  • 58:08 - 58:09
    HOW EFFECTIVE THAT WAS IN
  • 58:09 - 58:10
    STOPPING YOU?
  • 58:10 - 58:10
    RELAX. JUST BLANKS.
  • 58:10 - 58:12
    JUST A DEMONSTRATION.
  • 58:12 - 58:12
    SIT DOWN.
  • 58:12 - 58:16
    SIT DOWN.
  • 58:16 - 58:17
    HERE. HANG ONTO THIS CHUNK.
  • 58:17 - 58:19
    FEELS GOOD, DOESN'T IT?
  • 58:19 - 58:20
    I WANT TO TALK TO YOU,
  • 58:20 - 58:21
    MRS. KROMER.
  • 58:21 - 58:22
    MY BRIEFCASE, PLEASE, HARVEY.
  • 58:22 - 58:24
    MRS. KROMER, SAY A CRIMINAL
  • 58:24 - 58:25
    ENTERED YOUR KITCHEN WITH THE
  • 58:25 - 58:28
    INTENT OF PREPARING AN ILLICIT
  • 58:28 - 58:28
    PIECE OF TOAST.
  • 58:28 - 58:29
    >> TOAST?
  • 58:29 - 58:30
    >> TOAST.
  • 58:30 - 58:32
    ONLY WE OFFER THE CRISPO-CRUST
  • 58:32 - 58:33
    SELF-DETONATING FRAGMENTATION
  • 58:33 - 58:35
    TOASTER...
  • 58:35 - 58:36
    OR THIS HANDY .357 MAGNUM
  • 58:36 - 58:39
    MIXMASTER.
  • 58:39 - 58:40
    >> COMES IN THE AVOCADO GREEN?
  • 58:40 - 58:42
    >> YES, AND HARVEST GOLD.
  • 58:42 - 58:42
    >> LOVELY.
  • 58:42 - 58:44
    >> HERE WE HAVE THE
  • 58:44 - 58:44
    SANDWICH-SENSITIVE HOT-PLATE
  • 58:44 - 58:46
    LASER.
  • 58:46 - 58:46
    >> OH, VERY NICE.
  • 58:46 - 58:48
    >> I'M GONNA ASK YOU A QUESTION,
  • 58:48 - 58:48
    MR. KROMER.
  • 58:48 - 58:50
    I WANT YOU TO ANSWER ME QUITE
  • 58:50 - 58:50
    HONESTLY.
  • 58:50 - 58:53
    WOULD YOU WANT YOUR WIFE TO BE
  • 58:53 - 58:53
    SEXUALLY ASSAULTED IN HER OWN
  • 58:53 - 58:55
    KITCHEN?
  • 58:55 - 58:55
    >> WHY, NO, OF COURSE NOT.
  • 58:55 - 58:57
    >> MRS. KROMER, WOULD YOU WANT
  • 58:57 - 58:58
    TO BE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED IN YOUR
  • 58:58 - 58:59
    OWN KITCHEN?
  • 58:59 - 59:00
    >> WELL, IT WOULD DEPEND ON WHO
  • 59:00 - 59:02
    THE PERSON --
  • 59:02 - 59:02
    >> UH, LOOK, MR. KROMER, HOW
  • 59:02 - 59:07
    MUCH WOULD YOU PAY TO KEEP YOUR
  • 59:07 - 59:07
    FAMILY SAFE?
  • 59:07 - 59:09
    WOULD YOU PAY, SAY, $2 MILLION
  • 59:09 - 59:10
    IF YOU HAD IT?
  • 59:10 - 59:11
    >> WELL, YEAH.
  • 59:11 - 59:12
    IF I HAD IT, YEAH.
  • 59:12 - 59:14
    >> OR $1 MILLION IF YOU HAD IT?
  • 59:14 - 59:14
    >> SURE. IF I HAD A MILLION,
  • 59:14 - 59:16
    YEAH, SURE.
  • 59:16 - 59:16
    >> HAVE YOU GOT $499.99?
  • 59:16 - 59:19
    >> HONEY, WE WERE SAVING THAT
  • 59:19 - 59:19
    MONEY.
  • 59:19 - 59:20
    >> WE WERE?
  • 59:20 - 59:20
    >> I DON'T THINK YOU KNOW HOW
  • 59:20 - 59:23
    UNSAFE YOUR FAMILY REALLY IS.
  • 59:23 - 59:23
    FOR INSTANCE, WHERE'S YOUR
  • 59:23 - 59:25
    SON, UH...
  • 59:25 - 59:25
    >> RONNIE.
  • 59:25 - 59:27
    >> ...RONNIE RIGHT NOW?
  • 59:27 - 59:28
    >> WELL, HE'S OUTSIDE, PLAYING
  • 59:28 - 59:30
    IN THE YARD.
  • 59:30 - 59:30
    >> HELLO.
  • 59:30 - 59:32
    FRANK, PUT THE KID ON, WILL YOU?
  • 59:32 - 59:32
    >> WE'LL TAKE IT!
  • 59:32 - 59:33
    WE'LL TAKE IT!
  • 59:33 - 59:33
    >> OKAY, LET THE KID GO.
  • 59:33 - 59:35
    I'M GLAD YOU DECIDED TO.
  • 59:35 - 59:36
    YOU'RE GONNA SIGN RIGHT HERE.
  • 59:36 - 59:38
    WE HAVE THE CONTRACTS DRAWN UP.
  • 59:38 - 59:39
    AS A BONUS TO YOU HERE, WE HAVE
  • 59:39 - 59:41
    THE...
  • 59:41 - 59:43
    [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
  • 59:47 - 59:48
    IN THE DAWN OF CIVILIZATION,
  • 59:48 - 59:52
    LONG BEFORE THE BRONZE AGE, MAN
  • 59:52 - 59:53
    FIRST BEGAN HIS SEARCH FOR THE
  • 59:53 - 59:58
    CLOSE SHAVE.
  • 59:58 - 59:58
    [ DOINK! ]
  • 59:58 - 60:02
    SINCE THEN, MAN HAS BEEN
  • 60:02 - 60:03
    ARDENTLY STRIVING TO DESIGN THE
  • 60:03 - 60:06
    PERFECT SHAVING INSTRUMENT, FROM
  • 60:06 - 60:07
    THE STRAIGHT RAZOR TO THE SAFETY
  • 60:07 - 60:10
    RAZOR TO THE INJECTOR SYSTEM,
  • 60:10 - 60:10
    AND, FINALLY, THE HIGHLY
  • 60:10 - 60:14
    ACCLAIMED TWIN-BLADE CARTRIDGE.
  • 60:14 - 60:15
    ALMOST PERFECT, YET NOT QUITE
  • 60:15 - 60:19
    THE SUPERLATIVE GROOM.
  • 60:19 - 60:20
    INTRODUCING...THE TRIPLE-TRAC.
  • 60:20 - 60:23
    [ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
  • 60:23 - 60:24
    NOT JUST TWO BLADES IN ONE
  • 60:24 - 60:26
    SYSTEM, BUT THREE
  • 60:26 - 60:27
    STAINLESS-PLATINUM,
  • 60:27 - 60:29
    TEFLEX-COATED BLADES MELDED
  • 60:29 - 60:30
    TOGETHER TO FORM ONE INCREDIBLE
  • 60:30 - 60:33
    SHAVING CARTRIDGE, EASILY FITTED
  • 60:33 - 60:34
    INTO YOUR OLD TWIN-BLADE HOLDER.
  • 60:34 - 60:37
    TRIPLE-TRAC'S TRIPLE-THREAT
  • 60:37 - 60:37
    CARTRIDGE, WITH MORE CLOSE
  • 60:37 - 60:41
    SHAVES THAN EVER BEFORE.
  • 60:41 - 60:42
    HERE'S HOW IT WORKS -- THE FIRST
  • 60:42 - 60:44
    BLADE GRABS AT THE WHISKER,
  • 60:44 - 60:45
    TUGGING IT AWAY FROM YOUR FACE
  • 60:45 - 60:48
    TO PROTECT IT FROM THE SECOND
  • 60:48 - 60:48
    BLADE.
  • 60:48 - 60:50
    BLADE NUMBER TWO CATCHES AND
  • 60:50 - 60:51
    DIGS INTO THE STUBBLE BEFORE IT
  • 60:51 - 60:54
    HAS THE CHANCE TO SNAP BACK AND
  • 60:54 - 60:54
    INJURE YOU, PULLING IT FARTHER
  • 60:54 - 60:57
    OUT SO THAT IT IS NOW READY FOR
  • 60:57 - 60:57
    SHEARING.
  • 60:57 - 61:00
    TRIPLE-TRAC'S THIRD BLADE, A
  • 61:00 - 61:00
    FINELY HONED BONDED-PLATINUM
  • 61:00 - 61:03
    INSTRUMENT, CUTS CLEANLY THROUGH
  • 61:03 - 61:04
    THE WHISKER AT ITS BASE, LEAVING
  • 61:04 - 61:06
    YOUR FACE AS SMOOTH AS A
  • 61:06 - 61:07
    BILLIARD BALL.
  • 61:07 - 61:12
    THE TRIPLE-TRAC -- BECAUSE
  • 61:12 - 61:12
    YOU'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING.
  • 61:12 - 61:17
    [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
  • 61:17 - 61:17
    >> YEAH.
  • 61:17 - 61:22
    I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I
  • 61:22 - 61:22
    SURE COULD LISTEN TO JANIS IAN
  • 61:22 - 61:24
    ONE MORE TIME, HUH?
  • 61:24 - 61:25
    [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
  • 61:25 - 61:31
    [ JANIS IAN'S "IN THE WINTER"
  • 61:31 - 61:31
    PLAYS ]
  • 61:31 - 61:36
    >> ♪ THE DAYS ARE OKAY ♪
  • 61:36 - 61:36
    ♪ I WATCH THE TV IN THE
  • 61:36 - 61:43
    AFTERNOONS ♪
  • 61:43 - 61:43
    ♪ IF I GET LONELY,
  • 61:43 - 61:50
    THE SOUND OF OTHER VOICES, OTHER
  • 61:50 - 61:51
    ROOMS, ARE NEAR TO ME ♪
  • 61:51 - 61:58
    ♪ I'M NOT AFRAID ♪
  • 61:58 - 61:58
    ♪ THE OPERATOR ♪
  • 61:58 - 62:03
    ♪ SHE TELLS THE TIME ♪
  • 62:03 - 62:03
    ♪ IT'S GOOD FOR A LAUGH ♪
  • 62:03 - 62:12
    ♪ THERE'S ALWAYS RADIO ♪
  • 62:12 - 62:12
    ♪ AND FOR A DIME, I CAN TALK TO
  • 62:12 - 62:17
    GOD ♪
  • 62:17 - 62:17
    ♪ DIAL-A-PRAYER ♪
  • 62:17 - 62:20
    ♪ ARE YOU THERE? ♪
  • 62:20 - 62:21
    ♪ DO YOU CARE? ♪
  • 62:21 - 62:26
    ♪ ARE YOU THERE? ♪
  • 62:26 - 62:27
    ♪ AND IN THE WINTER, EXTRA
  • 62:27 - 62:32
    BLANKETS FOR THE COLD ♪
  • 62:32 - 62:32
    ♪ FIX THE HEATER, GETTING OLD ♪
  • 62:32 - 62:38
    ♪ I AM WISER NOW, YOU KNOW,
  • 62:38 - 62:39
    AND STILL AS BIG A FOOL
  • 62:39 - 62:44
    CONCERNING YOU ♪
  • 62:44 - 62:44
    ♪ I MET YOUR FRIEND ♪
  • 62:44 - 62:49
    ♪ SHE'S VERY NICE ♪
  • 62:49 - 62:51
    ♪ WHAT CAN I SAY? ♪
  • 62:54 - 62:55
    ♪ IT WAS AN ACCIDENT ♪
  • 62:55 - 63:01
    ♪ I NEVER DREAMED WE'D MEET
  • 63:01 - 63:01
    AGAIN THIS WAY ♪
  • 63:01 - 63:06
    ♪ YOU'RE LOOKING WELL ♪
  • 63:06 - 63:06
    ♪ I'M NOT AFRAID ♪
  • 63:06 - 63:13
    ♪ YOU HAVE A LOVELY HOME,
  • 63:13 - 63:14
    JUST LIKE A PICTURE ♪
  • 63:14 - 63:21
    ♪ NO, I LIVE ALONE ♪
  • 63:21 - 63:21
    ♪ I FOUND IT EASIER ♪
  • 63:21 - 63:28
    ♪ YOU MUST REMEMBER HOW I NEVER
  • 63:28 - 63:28
    LIKED THE PARTY LIFE ♪
  • 63:28 - 63:32
    ♪ UP ALL NIGHT ♪
  • 63:32 - 63:33
    ♪ LOVELY WIFE ♪
  • 63:33 - 63:39
    ♪ YOU HAVE A LOVELY WIFE ♪
  • 63:39 - 63:39
    ♪ AND IN THE WINTER, EXTRA
  • 63:39 - 63:44
    BLANKETS FOR THE COLD ♪
  • 63:44 - 63:45
    ♪ FIX THE HEATER, GETTING OLD ♪
  • 63:45 - 63:51
    ♪ YOU ARE WITH HER NOW, I KNOW ♪
  • 63:51 - 63:51
    ♪ I'LL LIVE ALONE FOREVER ♪
  • 63:51 - 63:58
    ♪ NOT TOGETHER NOW ♪
  • 63:58 - 63:59
    ♪ OOOH-OOOOOOH ♪
  • 63:59 - 64:09
    [ FINALE PLAYS ]
  • 64:09 - 64:11
    [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
  • 64:25 - 64:26
    >> I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU ALL
  • 64:26 - 64:28
    FOR HAVING SOME LIVE FUN WITH
  • 64:28 - 64:29
    US -- YOU AT HOME AND EVERYBODY
  • 64:29 - 64:31
    HERE -- AND WANT TO THANK ALL
  • 64:31 - 64:31
    THE GUESTS, OF COURSE --
  • 64:31 - 64:33
    JANIS IAN, BILLY PRESTON,
  • 64:33 - 64:34
    ALBERT BROOKS, THE MUPPETS,
  • 64:34 - 64:37
    VALRI BROMFIELD,
  • 64:37 - 64:37
    ANDY KAUFMAN, THE
  • 64:37 - 64:40
    NOT-QUITE-READY-FOR-PRIMETIME
  • 64:40 - 64:41
    PLAYERS, AND EVERYONE WHO TOOK
  • 64:41 - 64:42
    PART IN THIS.
  • 64:42 - 64:43
    AND I WOULD NOT BE SENSIBLE AND
  • 64:43 - 64:45
    SANE IF I DIDN'T TELL YOU I GOT
  • 64:45 - 64:45
    A BRAND-NEW ALBUM THIS WEEK.
  • 64:45 - 64:47
    I HOPE YOU'LL SEE IT.
  • 64:47 - 64:47
    THANK YOU. BYE-BYE.
  • 64:47 - 64:50
    [ BAND PLAYS ]
  • 64:50 - 64:52
    [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
Title:
SNL’s First Episode with Host George Carlin and Musical Guest Billy Preston and Janis Ian
Description:
more » « less
Video Language:
English
Duration:
01:07:46

English subtitles

Revisions

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