The secret to giving great feedback

No matter how hard you might try,

you can't just flip a switch

when you step into the office

and turn your emotions off.

Feeling feelings is part of being human.

(upbeat music)

A pervasive myth exists

that emotions don't belong at work,

and this often leads us

to mistakenly equate professionalism

with being stoic or even cold.

But research shows

that in the moments
when our colleagues drop

their glossy professional presentation,

we're actually much more likely

to believe what they're telling us.

We feel connected to the people around us.

We try harder.

We perform better.

And we're just generally kinder,

so it's about time that we learn

how to embrace emotion at work.

Now that's not to say

you should suddenly become
a feelings fire hose.

A line exists between
sharing which builds trust

and oversharing which destroys it.

If you suddenly let your
feelings run wild at work

and give people far more information

than they bargained for,

you make everyone around you uncomfortable

and you also undermine yourself.

You're more likely to be seen as weak

or lacking self awareness,

so great to say you weren't
feeling well last night.

You don't need to go
into every lurid detail

about how you got reacquainted

with your half digested dinner.

So there's a wide spectrum
of emotional expression,

on one hand you have under emoters,

or people who have a hard time
talking about their feelings,

and on the other end are over emoters,

those who constantly share everything

that's going on inside,

and neither of these make
for a healthy workplace.

So what's the balance
between these two extremes,

it's something called
selective vulnerability.

Selective vulnerability is opening up

while still prioritizing stability
and psychological safety,

both for you and for your colleagues.

Luckily, anyone can learn

to be selectively
vulnerable with practice.

Here are four ways to get started.

First, flag your feelings

without becoming emotionally leaky.

Bad moods are contagious.

And even if you're not
vocalizing what you're feeling,

chances are your body
language or your expressions

are a dead giveaway.

So if you are crossing your arms

or hammering on your keyboard,

your coworkers are going
to know you're upset.

And if you don't say anything,

they might start to think it's
about them and get worried.

So if you are reacting to
a non work-related event,

so traffic for example, just flag it.

You don't need to go into detail.

You can say something as simple as

I'm having a bad morning.

It has nothing to do with you.

Now if it's a work related event

that's causing you to
feel strong emotions,

that brings us to point number two.

Try to understand the
need behind your emotion

and then address that need.

If you suddenly start to find

everyone around you irritating,

sit back and reflect on that.

And it might be that you're irritable

because you're anxious,

and you're anxious because you're worried

about hitting a looming deadline.

And in that case, you
can go back to your team

to address that need

and say something like,

I want to make sure

I get everything done
ahead of the deadline,

can you help me put together

a realistic plan to do that?

If you're thinking of sharing,

try and put yourself in
the other person's shoes.

So if what you're about to say

would help you feel more supported

and better understand the situation,

then go ahead and share it.

But if it gives you any kind of pause,

you might wanna leave it out.

And finally, read the room
and provide a path forward.

If everyone on your team
has been pulling long hours,

and you notice that one of your colleagues

seems particularly deflated or anxious,

you can acknowledge that
and show some empathy,

but then try to give
them something actionable

that they could hold on to.

And in this case,

you could suggest that
you go to your manager

and ask that your weekly meeting

be pushed back a day so you
both have more time to work.

You're showing that you're
invested in their success,

but also that you care
about their well being.

When we can be honest about what we feel,

and freely suggest ideas, make mistakes,

and just not have to hide
every piece of who we are,

we're much more likely

to stay at the company for a long time.

We're also happier and more productive,

so take a moment to reflect
on the emotional expression

that you bring to work each day.

And if you are prone to
oversharing, try editing.

And if you're a little bit more reserved,

look for moments when you can
open up to your colleagues

and be a bit vulnerable.

And chances are, there
will be a big difference

in how people respond to you.

And selective vulnerability
might just become

one of your most valuable tools.

(bubbles popping)