The secret to giving great feedback

If you look at a carpenter,

they have a toolbox,

a dentist,

they have their drills.

In our era and the type of
work most of us are doing,

the tool we most need is actually centered

around being able to give
and receive feedback well.

(upbeat music)

Humans have been talking
about feedback for centuries.

In fact,

Confucius way back in 500 BC
talked about how important

it is to be able to say
difficult messages well.

But to be honest,

we're still pretty bad at it.

In fact, a recent Gallup survey found

that only 26% of employees strongly agree

that the feedback they get
actually improves their work.

Those numbers are pretty dismal.

So what's going on?

The way that most people
give their feedback

actually isn't brain-friendly.

People fall into one of two camps.

Either they're of the camp
that is very indirect and soft

and the brain doesn't even
recognize that feedback

is being given or it's
just simply confused,

or they fall into the other
camp of being too direct,

and with that,

it tips the other person into
the land of being defensive.

And there's this part of the
brain called the amygdala

and it's scanning at
all times to figure out

whether the message has a
social threat attached to it.

With that,

we'll move forward to defensiveness,

we'll move backwards in retreat

and what happens is the feedback

giver then starts to disregulate as well.

They add more ums and
ahs and justifications

and the whole thing
gets wonky really fast.

It doesn't have to be this way.

I and my team have spent many years

going into different companies

and asking who here is
a great feedback giver.

Anybody's who's named again and again,

we actually bring into our labs

to see what they're doing differently.

And what we find is that
there's a four part formula

that you can use to say
any difficult message well.

Okay, are you ready for it?

Here we go.

The first part of the formula
is what we call the micro yes.

Great feedback givers begin their feedback

by asking a question that
is short, but important.

It lets the brain know that
feedback is actually coming.

It would be something,

for example, do you have five minutes

to talk about how that
last conversation went,

or I have some ideas for
how we can improve things.

Can I share them with you?

This micro yes question
does two things for you,

first of all,

it's going to be a pacing tool.

It lets the other person know

that feedback is about to be given.

And the second thing it does

is it creates a moment of buy in.

I can say yes or no to
that yes or no question.

And with that,

I get a feeling of autonomy.

The second part of the feedback formula

is going to be giving your data point.

Here you should name specifically
what you saw or heard

and cut out any words
that aren't objective.

There's a concept we call blur words.

A blur word is something that can mean

different things to different people.

Blurry words are things
that are not specific.

So for example,

if I say you shouldn't be so defensive

or you could be more proactive.

What we see great feedback
givers doing differently

is they'll convert their blur
words into actual data points.

So for example, instead of saying,

you aren't reliable,

we would say, you said you'd
get that email to me by 11,

and I still don't have it yet.

Specificity is also important when

it comes to positive feedback

and the reason for that is that

we wanna be able to specify exactly

what we want the other person
to increase or diminish.

And if we stick with blur words,

they actually won't have
any clue particularly what

to do going forward to keep
repeating that behavior.

The third of the feedback
formula is the impact statement.

Here you name exactly how
that data point impacted you.

So for example, I might say,

because I didn't get the message,

I was blocked on my work
and couldn't move forward

or I really liked how
you added those stories

because it helped me
grasp the concepts faster.

It gives you a sense of purpose

and meaning and logic between the points,

which is something the
brain really craves.

The fourth part of the
feedback formula is a question.

Great feedback givers wrap

their feedback message with a question.

They'll ask something like,

well, how do you see it?

Or this is what I'm thinking we should do.

But what are your thoughts on it?

What it does is it creates commitment

rather than just compliance.

It makes the conversation
no longer be a monologue,

but rather becomes a joint
problem solving situation.

But there's one last thing.

Great feedback givers not
only can say messages well,

but also they ask for feedback regularly.

In fact, our research on
perceived leadership shows

that you shouldn't wait for
feedback to be given to you.

What we call push feedback,

but rather you should
actively ask for feedback,

what we call pulling feedback.

Pulling feedback establishes
you as a continual learner

and puts the power in your hands.

The most challenging
situations are actually

the ones that call for the
most skillful feedback.

But it doesn't have to be hard.

Now that you know this four part formula,

you can mix and match it to make

it work for any difficult conversation.

(upbeat music)