The 4th Mantra & the Dharma in the Wallet | Thich Nhat Hanh (short teaching video)

The fourth is difficult because

you suffer,

not the other person suffers,
you suffer.

And you believe that your suffering
has been caused by

by him or by her.

If it were another person who has
done that to you

you would have suffer less,
but it's not another person

that's him, that's her

that's the person you love the most

that has done it to you.

If it were another person who has

said that to you
you would not be as

painful

as

as now

because it is the person you love,
you trust the most

that has said that to you.

So you suffer very deeply.

And

you feel very alone.

Very alone.

And

You prefer to go to your room

and lock yourself up in your room and cry.

Because you get hurt so much

that even that person,

the other person come and
inquire about your well being

You don't want to answer.

You want to tell him or her,

indirectly

that you don't need him,
you don't need her anymore.

You can survive very well
without him or her.

That is silly but many of us do like that.

That's pride

The element of pride in love.

And that is the opposite of interbeing.

Insight of interbeing,

There is a self standing in the way.

You get hurt.

When the other person say

darling you suffer

of something?

And you say, me suffer?

Why do I have to suffer?

Why do I have to suffer?

You pretend not to suffer.

And if he want to put his
hand on your shoulder,

you say "leave me alone."

You do everything in order to

to tell him indirectly that
you don't him, you don't need her.

Alone you can survive very well.

That is a kind of punishment.

You want to punish.

And that is not true love.

Because in true love
you have to share everything.

Your suffering is his suffering.

Your happiness is her happiness.

And you find it very difficult
to go to him and ask for help

but the real practice, the true practice

is to tell him, tell her, that you suffer.

There is a real, a true story happening
in Vietnam at the end of the 15th century

There is a lady

who was pregant

Nam-soon

Nam-soon lady

and her husband had to
go to war, to the army.

They are both young

and they cry so much
when the young man left

and she had to

to raise the child alone

to give birth and to
raise the child alone.

He was in the army for three years.

And he was lucky to

to be released from the army alive.

So he went home

and she learned about the good news

she went to the gate of the village

with the little boy to get him.

And that was a very happy moment

when they meet each other
again after three years.

And it is the first time that

the young father see his son.

So according to our tradition

you have to announce the
good news to your ancestors.

In Vietnam there is the
practice of ancestral worship.

Every house has an altar for ancestors.

And every morning

you had to come to the altar
and remove the dust

and light a stick of incense and offer.

It takes one minute or two

but to us it's a very important practice.

Because

we believe

that our ancestors are always alive,
at least in ourselves.

And wherever we go,
our ancestors go with us.

Not outside, but inside.

And

the moment,

the minute you spend in order
to be with your ancestors

to light a stick of incense

is the moment when you

connect with your ancestors.

It's very important.

If you are uprooted and then
you do not have enough stability

and when something happen,
important happen in the family

you have to announce
to your ancestors formally.

Suppose a baby is born.

You have to offer, to place
on the altar an offering

and announce the birth of the baby

because your ancestors
have the right to know.

If you are sending your boy to school

in the next town,

you have to

to make an offering and place on the
altar and announce that to your ancestors.

If you are about to marry your daughter,

you have to announce
that to your ancestors.

And that is the practice of everyone.

So the lady went to do some
shopping in order to prepare an offering.

And the man is left with his son and
try to persuade his son to call him daddy.

Father.

But the son, the little boy refused.

Mister, you are not my father.

My daddy.

My daddy used to come every night.

And my mother talked to him at length,

and she cried.

And whenever my mother sit down,

my father sit down.

And when my mother lie down,
he lie down.

And when the young father hear that,
he suffer so much.

He believed that there was another man

who, in his absence,
intrude into his household,

his family.

So his heart become a block of ice.

He went home without saying
anything with the little boy.

In fact, there's no one
coming every night.

One day the boy came home late

playing with the children in the hamlet.

And he said, Mother, everyone
has a daddy. Where is my daddy?

I want to have a father, a daddy.

So she was lighting the kerosene lamp

and she pointed to her own
shadow on the wall and said,

This is your daddy. Why don't
you say good evening to him?

Do like this, 'Good evening, daddy!'

And that is the truth that happened.

And of course, she spent a lot of time
talking to her own shadow.

She was so lonely.

She talked to him,

my dear husband you have been away
for a long time, how could I be alone

and raise our child?

And of course when she sit down,
the shadow sit down.

And that is the truth.

But the young man has a wrong perception,

that someone has entered into the home.

And that's why when the lady came home,

he did not look at her anymore.

He did not answer her question anymore.

He was very cold.

And she began to suffer.

She did not understand why. What happened.

And when the offering has
been placed on the altar,

he spread the mat

and offered incense

and touched the earth fourth times
according to the tradition.

And after that, he rolled

he rolled out the mat

and did not allow the young lady to

to do the touching of the earth

thinking that she's not
worth presenting herself

before the altar because
she had committed adultery.

And she was very humiliated.

She did not know why.

And instead of sharing the meal,
he left and went to the liquor bar

and try to forget his
suffering by drinking.

And did not come home until
2 o'clock, 3 o'clock in the morning.

And he kept doing like that several times.

And the lady suffer so much,
she could not bear it anymore.

And she threw herself into the
river Hoang Giang nearby.

And when he learned about
the death of his wife,

he came home and took care of the child.

And that night when
light the kerosene lamp,

The boy said,

Mister, here is my daddy!

And he pointed to the shadow of his father

He come every night!

And now

the young father knew
the truth but it's too late.

He's a victim of a wrong perception.

It's too late.

And the next day everyone in
the village learned about

the tragedy

and they came and help the
young man to organize

a requiem ceremony for three days

to pray for the liberation of
the soul of young woman.

The king, Le Thanh Tong, who was a poet,

one day he went by

and he saw a shrine built

near the river he asked about.

about it.

And the people in the village
told the king about the story.

The tragedy.

He was so moved, he wrote a poem

that was engraved on a block of rock

and that poem still exists.

That is because a tragedy happened because

Mister Truong, his name.

Lady Nam Xuong, her name.

They don't know to practice
the fourth mantra.

The fourth mantra is like this,

Darling I suffer, darling I suffer

please help.

Please explain why have you
done such a thing to me?

Why have you said such a thing to me?

I suffer, please help.

If Mr. Truong had done that,

and then the Nam Xuong lady
would have had the time to explain,

and they both would have been
able to avoid a tragedy.

And she behaved like that also,

she was hurt and there
was a pride in her also.

If she had gone to him and say

Darling, my husband, I suffer so much.

I don't understand why, from the
time I came home from the market,

you did not look at me anymore.

You did not

answer my questions anymore.

Have I done something horrible
for you to treat me like that?

Please help. Please explain.

And if she had done that,
Mr. Truong would have told her

The little boy said that someone
used to come every night.

Who is that? I suffer so much.
Please explain.

And then there was explanation
and there would be no tragedy.

And although it is a little
bit difficult to practice

but the fourth mantra is
very essential to avoid a tragedy.

So next time, dear friends, if it
happens that you suffer

and if you believe your suffering has
been caused to you by him, by her,

the person you love the most,

don't do like Mr. Truong.

Don't do like Misses Nam Xuong.

Don't do like that, don't let
pride stand in your way.

Go to him, go to her, and ask for help.

In Plum Village we advise our friends to

to take a piece of paper

the size of a credit card

and write down three sentences.

The first sentence is

Darling, I suffer and
I want you to know it.

Darling, I suffer and I want
you to know that I suffer.

You don't pretend that you don't suffer.

You suffer and you say you suffer.

Because in the begining you have committed

together to share everything,
in suffering and happiness.

So this something natural.

You suffer, you say, you tell
him you suffer. You tell her you suffer.

The second line is

I'm doing my best.

Because I am a practitioner
of mindfulness,

I am practicing mindful
breathing, mindful walking, and

look deeply into my suffering

to see whether it has come
from a wrong perception or not.

Because I can be very well
a victim of wrong perception.

Maybe you have not
intended to make me suffer

but because I have some perception,
wrong perceptions.

So I am doing my best in
looking deeply into my suffering.

And that second sentence

is a kind of indirect invitation
for the other person to practice.

What I have done, what I have said,
to make him or make her suffer that much.

And that person begin to reflect,
to think. That is practice.

And the last sentence is,

Please help. Please help me.

And you can slip that piece
of paper into your wallet.

That is the dharma in your wallet.

The Buddha in your wallet.

And every time you suffer and you believe
that your suffering has been caused

by him, by her,

the person you love the most, take it out,

and you know exactly what to do.