-
-Well, there's a lot
going on in the world right now.
-
And here to tell us
her thoughts on all of it,
-
is the girl you wish
you hadn't started
-
a conversation with at a party.
-
-Hello, Michael.
-
Hello, Colim.
-
Notice something
different about me?
-
-Oh, are you pregnant?
-Wow.
-
You just assume I'm pregnant
-
just cause I have
a baby inside me.
-
That's misogynastic.
-
-Well, congratulations.
-
We're so happy for you,
-
and it's nice to see you.
-
-Oh, is it nice, Michael?
-
Yeah? Is it nice to be on the
verge of the apoca-clypse?
-
It's deva-spacing.
-
It's a constipational crisis.
-
Literally, for me.
-
And it's like, do I even want
to bring a baby into this world?
-
Or should I just,
like, keep her in here
-
for another three
and a half years?
-
-I don't think you
can do that.
-
-Oh, oh, I guess
you know more than my obg-ny.
-
Do a research, Michael.
-
Fact, 90% of babies born today
-
will never know
who your father is.
-
-My father?
-
-Three out of four kids
get bullied,
-
and only two of them deserve it.
-What?
-
-And there are people
in Africa right now.
-
-Was that it?
-
-Yeah,
there are people there now.
-
You should know that, Michael,
read a phone.
-
So, can I do...
-
Can I do Elon salute
really quick?
-
-No, no, don't do that.
-Okay, fine, fine.
-
But hold this. I have to do
this dance for work.
-
-All right. I'm sorry.
Where do you work?
-
-I'm the press secretary
at the white House.
-
This is like,
-
if people are so angry
about DEI,
-
it's like we'll stop drinking
and driving.
-
Bettina. Bettina.
-
-Who are you talking to?
-
-That's Bettina.
She's a horrible person.
-
-Oh.
-It's like, at least now
-
we have some good people
in charge.
-
Like, everyone's mad
-
that RF Carl's Jr is a nepo baby
-
because Brainworm earned it.
-
It ate its way to the top.
-
-Oh, my God.
-
-Inclusion is like,
-
why is no one talking about
Luigi Wo-Mangione?
-
Pshh!
-
Yeah, I just blew Michael Che,
you're welcome.
-
-Well, thank you.
-
And by the way,
can I ask who the father is?
-
-You sure can!
-
-Whoa!
-
-Wow.
-
-Huge reveal.
Oh, my God.
-
-Huge reveal.
-Drunk Uncle.
-
Drunk Uncle,
you two are together?
-
-Yep, we're just a typical
Hollywood couple, you know.
-
Beautiful woman in her 30s,
drunk idiot in his 70s.
-
-So you're really
going to be a dad?
-
-Hey, you know,
if Alec Baldwin can do it.
-
You know?
-
-When I was a kid,
you know,
-
everyone was pregnant.
-
Okay. it went high school,
baby, married,
-
Vietnam, job you hate.
-
Okay, but nowadays, it's just,
-
"Oh, I'm sorry. can you yassify
my chickpea pasta?"
-
"Excuse me. Excuse me.
Are these flair jeans AI?"
-
Ooh.
-
"Oh, great. Oh, great.
We're in a brave new world."
-
Not my Captain America.
-
-Okay. Okay.
-
Okay. Okay.
-
Drunk Uncle, this is--
-Panama Canal is ours, Colin!
-
[ Laughter ]
-
-You ripped my buttons off.
-
-I ripped your buttons off?
-
♪ If I could turn back time ♪
-
♪ If I could-- ♪
[ Cries ]
-
-Oh, oh, my God.
-
-I ripped your shirt.
-
-It's okay, Drunk Uncle.
-
-So I'm not Land Shark, okay?
-
So I'm not "Brian Fellow's
Safari Planet," okay?
-
So I'm not a musical guest,
Timothée Chalamet.
-
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger,
cheeseburger, cheeseburger,
-
cheeseburger.
-Right? Yes. Right.
-
From the '70s.
-No.
-
I misplaced four cheeseburgers.
-
-Okay. All right.
Well, Drunk Uncle,
-
I'm sorry, but I think
you might be too drunk.
-
-Yeah, I tried to tackle
Paul Simon...
-
but I missed and now
Sabrina Carpenter's dead.
-
-Okay.
-
Drunk Uncle and Girl at a Party,
everyone.
-
-♪ If I could turn back time ♪
-Bettina!
-
-Bettina!
-Bettina.
-
-Bettina!
-Bettina.
