Thinking your way out of imposter syndrome | Valerie Young

Have you ever had that

"I'm in

over my head and they're going to find out" feeling?

Maybe it was when you got a promotion

or you started a business or you landed in a new role

like the highly qualified administrator who couldn't believe they gave her the job.

Once she got there,

she found out the hiring committee had come directly from a wine function.

And

she said,

"Aha,

they were drunk."

Or maybe you've said,

"If I can do it,

how hard can it be?"

I actually heard a guy say,

"If I can get a PhD in astrophysics from Caltech,

anybody can." (LAUGHTER)

This tendency to discount or diminish obvious evidence

of our abilities is called the "imposter syndrome."

The first time I heard the term,

I was a 21-year-old doctoral student at the same

university where my mom was working as a night janitor.

I instantly identified and so did

the other students.

As a matter of fact,

we decided to start a little imposter support group.

We started meeting and talking about being intellectual

frauds and how we're fooling all of our professors

and everything went great for about three weeks

and that's about the time I started to have this nagging sense

that even though everyone else was saying they were an imposter,

it's like, I knew I was the only real imposter.

Decades later,

and psychologists are still telling us that the way to

overcome imposter syndrome is to just keep talking about it.

The more we can talk about our supposed ineptness,

the better we'll feel.

I don't know,

is anybody ever talk about how fat you feel?

Like,

do you feel any thinner?

Talking about imposture feelings is a start,

but you can't share your way out of imposter syndrome.

So, what does work?

Well,

it begins by recognizing that people who really don't feel like

imposters are no more intelligent or capable than you or I.

That the only difference between them and us is they think different thoughts.

That's it.

Which is really good news because it means all we have to do is learn to think

like a non-imposter.

For example,

the big difference between people who feel like imposters

and people who don't is no one likes to fail.

No one likes to make a mistake.

No one likes to not know the answer or to

have an off day or to struggle to master something.

But when these things happen to imposters,

we experience shame.

Like the woman who was the head of a large medical center who said to me,

"I feel like an imposter because

everyone else on the executive team is brilliantly articulate and I'm not."

Now there was a time when I would have said to her,

"Oh,

I'm sure you're brilliantly articulate,"

but now I know that wouldn't have served her.

So, instead, I said,

"Maybe you're not..."

"Maybe you're not,"

and that's okay."

She was thinking

like an imposter.

Non-imposters know they can't be brilliant at everything,

and they're fine with that.

The reason we have to pay attention to the conversation going

on in our head is so we can reframe it

the way a non-imposter would.

My favorite reframe of all-time came from Daniel Boone,

the wilderness explorer,

who said,

"I was never lost,

but I was bewildered once for three days." (LAUGHTER)

Yeah.

That is a very good reframe.

Somebody in serious need of a reframe was a friend of mine who

was asked to put together a major presentation at the last minute.

She nailed it.

But all she could think of was,

"Oh, man,

that was just a bunch of BS I threw together at the last minute."

What's the reframe?

How about?

"Wow,

how good am I that I can pull together information

at the 11th hour that other people genuinely find useful?"

That last part is really important

because it speaks to a contradiction in imposter logic,

because when you think about it,

what we're really saying is other people are so stupid,

they don't realize we're incompetent.

So, imagine if you'd come up to my friend and said,

"That was great!"

and she looked at you and said,

"Seriously,

wow.

I mean,

do you get out of the house much or what?"

Right?

How arrogant and how absurd would that sound?

What should she say in that situation?

Yeah,

thank you,

exactly.

The thing about imposter syndrome is that

it affects up to 70% of people.

Not just high achievers,

but it's a confidence issue for a lot of people.

So, for years I would give people 10 ways

to combat imposter syndrome,

and then it was always that one person who would say,

"But

is there anything else we can do?"

And I would say,

"Well,

of the 10 things I just gave you,

what have you tried,

right?"

Well,

nothing,

but is there anything else we can do?

It took me a while,

but I finally figured out what was happening.

What they wanted was to walk in the room feeling like an

imposter and walk out of the room not feeling like an imposter.

And that's not how it works.

In fact,

feelings

are the last to change.

Do you want to stop feeling like an imposter?

Then you have to stop thinking

like an imposter.

How would you like to feel confident 24/7?

Yeah,

good luck with that. (LAUGHTER)

Because that's

not how confidence works.

Your body doesn't know the difference between fear and excitement.

So, as you're walking up to the podium or into

the meeting or any place where your confidence is shaky,

you have to say to yourself,

I'm excited,

I'm excited,

right?

You don't believe it

and that's okay

because now you know that you don't have to feel confident

to act confident

and over time you really will begin to believe the new thoughts.

And when you do,

you can stop trying to overcome imposter syndrome and

instead just use reframing to talk yourself down faster.

That way,

instead of having an imposter life,

you can have an imposter moment.

Thank you. (APPLAUSE)

So, we're gonna have Valerie stay up for a couple of minutes while

I ask you just a few questions while we set up

for our next speaker.

So,

70%,

that's a lot.

Are

there measurable consequences for a business or a company

when people have imposter syndrome in within the company?

Yeah,

absolutely.

When you feel like an imposter,

you have to find ways to deal with the anxiety

of kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So, some of the coping mechanisms are things

like,

flying under the radar.

You know,

not raising your hand,

not asking for promotions,

not giving your ideas and sharing in meetings,

procrastination.

You know,

when I was supposed to be writing my dissertation,

I had the cleanest house in

Northampton,

Massachusetts.

Workaholism,

self

sabotage,

so all of those things,

they work,

they do the job,

but at a cost,

and if you have

a number of people in the organization engaging in those behaviors,

you're gonna have a cost to the organization as well.

Totally. And for managers who might see

that their employees are experiencing imposter syndrome,

what are some ways they can help mitigate and how can they help?

Yeah,

one of the best things a manager or leader can do is to normalize it

and to

talk about it. And if you have imposter feelings,

to talk about it in a very off-handed matter-

of-fact way like, "Oh, that's an imposter thing."

"Oh, yeah,

some of the brightest people on the planet have these feelings."

I mean Maya Angelou said, "I've written 11 books, and

every time I write another one, I think, 'Oh,

I pulled another one over on everyone and they're going to find out."

So,

know that you're an excellent company with some of the most,

you know,

talented people on the planet.

Awesome! Thank you so much,

Valerie.

Thank you.