Balancing Love and Discipline for Children

Thank you so much for your time today.
Thank you for everybody who asked really thoughtful questions today.
I have a question as a parent I'm curious, how do you balance this path of detachment and acceptance while also being somebody who gives discipline to your children in a balanced way?

So when we find ourselves caught between this or that, we have to recognize that we have artificially constructed that choice.

Because recognizing that we have artificially constructed that binaries, I tend to go back and look at what happens in nature

because in nature, in the ecosystem, you don't see that artificial construct that we create for ourselves as human beings.

Example, if you have a dog's saying the dog lays, gives birth to puppies, just observe how that mother dog actually grows, nurtures the puppies.

You know whether that's mother actually the dog actually gave birth to two puppies, three puppies, or five puppies.
You don't actually hear that mother dog complaining that five is too much.

You know, whether that's five puppies all kind of, you know, suckle at their teeths I mean, you just let them be

but at the same time you don't see that mother dog actually just going into a lot of emotional angst about doing the best for her puppies.

But at the same time you don't see that mother dog abusing their, you know, her puppies just because you know, sometimes they suckle in a painful way.
So the first lesson learned from this that we as parents should not suffer actually raising our kids

because if you suffer as parents raising your kids, then there's more risk for your kids to go stray.

You've actually become abusive and irritable towards your children because you're trying too hard to become a good parents.

And the second lesson learned is that you know the parents, no matter what happens, never abuses their kids

because the adult dogs may fight each other.
But you don't usually see an adult's dog or a mother or a parent's dog abusing their puppies.

You know, they don't bite their own kids

you know I mean, sometimes you have, you know, dogs that do that but you can see that's a definitely an outlier, probably suffering from some kind of mental disease

because as parents, we should never scream or abuse or hit our kids because at that malleable age you're causing traumas that's going to last for a lifetime.

The third lesson learned is that do what you can for your children but don't do what you can't do.

So basically you're creating your own issues, trying to do too much for your children that you cannot do then you become irritable

you know, provides basic food and shelter.
But if your children wash once a day or twice a day or three times a day, it doesn't really matter because you know your children watches like once a week he'll be totally fine

whether you close your kid in expensive clothing, brand clothing or not you know that's your problem.
Your preference has nothing to do with the kit.

So do what you can but the rest you don't have to do.

Can I just ask one follow up question to that?
My fear is that just accepting them fully as they are loving them regardless of their behavior because they're two or five is that they will have no sense of discipline.
So do we just trust and let it go and accept them

so what are you really worried about?
What are you worried about?
Your children will become or do

they will they won't be happy because society won't accept them like they will

that will not happen. That's what your concern is.

For example, your children doesn't show up for dinner and time.

So in Korea, what Korean parents usually do is that we call them for dinner once twice, three times then we yell at them.

Then if their kids shows up really late, then we produce new food for them.

So basically what we're doing is we're doing two things wrong.
As parents. In that case we scold them so we could actually traumatize them by scolding them, yelling at them.
Then we also spoiled them by actually serving up a new fresh, new dinner outside of the dinner time.

All we have to do is just tell them this is time for dinner and dinner's ready and if they don't show up on time, just remove it.

And if they want to eat food later, just tell them I'm busy at this time or just say that hey, if you're hungry since you missed dinner, go ahead and make your own food

because you're not scolding them or screaming at them you're not traumatizing them.

You've got the children.
The child actually may get irritable and cry and moan and throw a tantrum because he's hungry but that's a reaction of his own personality, of his own emotional reaction.
He's not doing that because you yelled at him then the child will know to make a choice

because the child would now recognize that he has to make a choice whether to show up for dinner on time or make dinner later on his own.

So when you say it's difficult to raise a child, then you know you're doing something wrong.

Even if you have three or four children, it should not be difficult or self and if it's too much for you, then just don't do it then the children will raise themselves.
But the worst thing you can do as parents is actually, you know, get angry

because all of you here actually were scolded and yelled at by your mother's and your fathers.
You probably have a lot of traumas because of your parents

but at the same time because all of you have been loved by your parents, by your mother and father, you owe that debt of grace of their, you know, if you don't like somebody and they're strangers, all you can do is just say goodbye and leave.
But because you owe that dead of grace of their love, you can't really say goodbye to your own parents.

But it's not just the grace and gratitude but you also have that trauma, that resentment.
So once you get together, you miss them when you're not together.
But once you get together, you also have that, you know that tension

this becomes a source of kind of a lasting tension in our lives this relationship with our parents and oftentimes if it's really bad, it leads to mental illness.

So parents become a source of that love but also becomes a source of your trauma.

So to your children, just let them be, do you know what you can.

And if there are some societal rules that you want to impart to your children as lessons, then teach them and talk to them about it but let them make their own decision on whether to adhere to those.

And children needs repeating they don't learn at the first try because there's no child who walks perfectly the first time a child learns to walk by falling down countless times.

That's why you can never become irritable or angry when teaching something to a child.

If they don't get it the 10th time, do it the 11th time, 11th, 12th time.

Just because they're not quick on the uptake does not mean they lack anything.

Some things they'll, they'll catch it within the first try some things it's going to take 12 times.

So basically, my recommendation to you to your question is that raise your children as a dog raises their puppy

because if you're happiest parents, your children

but if I suffer raising my children, then my children will inherit that suffering.

The more you feel that you actually have done everything and you have sacrificed your life for your children's well being, the more they'll actually take away.
Just trauma from that. Do not burden your children

let your children be free from yourself instead of being your slave because they are free people.

And as parents, you're just taking care of them when they're young because they can't take care of themselves.
Thank you

apologize for the lateness of the hour.
I hope this was helpful.

The Buddhist teaching is not some specific dogma it's actually just a path that you embark to go from suffering to being free from suffering.
And that state is called Nafana.

And the objective of your spiritual practice is to arrive at that state of N.

It's not where you go after you die or how much you know good karma you gain.

So it's just a guide on how you can live your life free from suffering while you're living in this here and now

most of us actually use our energy to cause ourselves suffering

because of the suffering that we have caused to ourselves.
We seek help from others we seek help from God, from some intercession from the Buddha.
But if you look at nature, even the smallest insect is independent and Autonomous.
Even rabbits and squirrels, they live their own lives.
The only exception is when they're little

so no longer seek help from the outside.
I want you to become independent and Autonomous in your own happiness.

And if you stop actually making yourself suffer, you'll have plenty of leftover energy

and let us take that energy, fool it and try to help others who are less fortunate.

And so a spiritual practitioner is somebody who actually is independent and Autonomous in his or her own happiness and take that leftover energy and use it for the betterment of others.
And I wish such a free life too for all of you.
Thank you.