Balancing Love and Discipline for Children

<Balancing Love and Discipline for Children>

(Questioner) Thank you
so much for your time.

and for everybody who asked
really thoughtful questions today.

As a parent, I'm curious,
how do you balance the path

of detachment and acceptance
while also providing discipline

to your children in a balanced way?"

(Sunim) When we find ourselves
caught between this or that,

we have to recognize that
we've artificially constructed that choice.

By recognizing that we have
artificially constructed these binaries,

I tend to reflect on
what happens in nature.

Because in nature, in the ecosystem,
you don't see that artificial construct

that we create
for ourselves as human beings.

For example, if you observe a dog,
you’ll see how the mother lays down,

gives birth to puppies,
and naturally nurtures them as they grow.

Whether the mother dog gave birth
to two, three, or five puppies,

you never hear her complaining
that five is too much.

Whether it's five puppies
suckling at her teats at the same time,

she simply lets them be.

At the same time you don't see that mother dog actually just going into a lot of emotional angst about doing the best for her puppies.

At the same time,
you don't see the mother dog

going into emotional angst about
doing what's best for her puppies.

But at the same time you don't see that mother dog abusing their, you know, her puppies just because you know, sometimes they suckle in a painful way.
So the first lesson learned from this that we as parents should not suffer actually raising our kids

But at the same time,
you don’t see the mother dog

abusing her puppies just because
they sometimes suckle in a painful way.

The first lesson we can learn
from this is that,

as parents, we should not suffer
while raising our kids.

If you suffer as parents raising your kids,
then there's more risk for your kids to go stray.

If you suffer as parents
while raising your kids,

there's a greater risk
of your kids going astray.

You've become abusive and irritable
towards your children

because you're trying too hard
to become a good parents.

And the second lesson learned is that you know the parents, no matter what happens, never abuses their kids

The second lesson is that parents,
no matter what happens,

should never abuse their kids.

The adult dogs may fight each other
but you don't usually see

an adult's dog or a parent's dog
abusing their puppies.

They don't bite their own kids.

Sometimes the dogs that do that but you can see that's a definitely an outlier, probably suffering from some kind of mental disease

Sometimes, dogs may do that,
but you can tell it's definitely an outlier,

likely suffering from
some kind of mental issue.

As parents, we should never scream
or abuse or hit our kids

because at that malleable age
you're causing traumas

that's going to last for a lifetime.

The third lesson is that
do what you can for your children,

but don't do what you can't do.

Basically you're creating your own issues,
trying to do too much for your children

that you cannot do
then you become irritable.

you know, provides basic food and shelter.
But if your children wash once a day or twice a day or three times a day, it doesn't really matter because you know your children watches like once a week he'll be totally fine

Providing basic food and shelter
is important,

but whether you wash your children
once a day, twice a day,

or three times a day doesn’t really matter.

If your child washes once a week,
they'll be totally fine.

Whether you dress your kid
in expensive brand-name clothing or not,

that’s your choice.

Your preference has nothing to do
with the kid.

So do what you can
but the rest you don't have to do.

(Quetioner) Can I just ask
one follow-up question to that?

My fear is that just accepting
them fully as they are loving them regardless of their behaviour
because they're two or five is that they will have no sense of discipline.
So do we just trust and let it go and accept them

My fear is that by fully accepting
and loving them as they are,

regardless of their behaviour
because they're two or five.

I'll be allowing them to have
no sense of discipline.

So, do we just trust, let it go,
and accept them?

(Sunom) What are you really worried about?
What are you worried about?
Your children will become or do

they will they won't be happy because society won't accept them like they will

that will not happen.

That's what your concern is.

For example, your children doesn't show up
for dinner and time.

In Korea, what Korean parents
usually do is that we call them for dinner

once twice, three times
then we yell at them.

Then if their kids shows up late,
then we produce new food for them.

Basically what we're doing is
two things wrong.

As parents, in that case we scold them
so we could actually traumatize them by scolding them, yelling at them.
Then we also spoiled them by actually serving up a new fresh, new dinner outside of the dinner time.

As parents, in that case,
we yell and scold them,

which could traumatize them.

At the same time, we spoil them
by serving a fresh, new dinner

outside of regular mealtime.

All we have to do is tell them it's time
for dinner and that dinner is ready.

If they don’t show up on time,
simply remove it.

And if they want to eat later,
just tell them you're busy at that time

or simply say, "If you're hungry
because you missed dinner,

go ahead and make your own food."

This way, you're not scolding
or screaming at them,

so you're not traumatizing them.

because you're not scolding them or screaming at them you're not traumatizing them. You've got the children.
The child actually may get irritable and cry and moan and throw a tantrum because he's hungry but that's a reaction of his own personality, of his own emotional reaction.
He's not doing that because you yelled at him then the child will know to make a choice

because the child would now recognize that he has to make a choice whether to show up for dinner on time or make dinner later on his own.

So when you say it's difficult to raise a child, then you know you're doing something wrong.

Even if you have three or four children, it should not be difficult or self and if it's too much for you, then just don't do it then the children will raise themselves.
But the worst thing you can do as parents is actually, you know, get angry

because all of you here actually were scolded and yelled at by your mother's and your fathers.
You probably have a lot of traumas because of your parents

but at the same time because all of you have been loved by your parents, by your mother and father, you owe that debt of grace of their, you know, if you don't like somebody and they're strangers, all you can do is just say goodbye and leave.
But because you owe that dead of grace of their love, you can't really say goodbye to your own parents.

But it's not just the grace and gratitude but you also have that trauma, that resentment.
So once you get together, you miss them when you're not together.
But once you get together, you also have that, you know that tension

this becomes a source of kind of a lasting tension in our lives this relationship with our parents and oftentimes if it's really bad, it leads to mental illness.

So parents become a source of that love but also becomes a source of your trauma.

So to your children, just let them be, do you know what you can.

And if there are some societal rules that you want to impart to your children as lessons, then teach them and talk to them about it but let them make their own decision on whether to adhere to those.

And children needs repeating they don't learn at the first try because there's no child who walks perfectly the first time a child learns to walk by falling down countless times.

That's why you can never become irritable or angry when teaching something to a child.

If they don't get it the 10th time, do it the 11th time, 11th, 12th time.

Just because they're not quick on the uptake does not mean they lack anything.

Some things they'll, they'll catch it within the first try some things it's going to take 12 times.

So basically, my recommendation to you to your question is that raise your children as a dog raises their puppy

because if you're happiest parents, your children

but if I suffer raising my children, then my children will inherit that suffering.

The more you feel that you actually have done everything and you have sacrificed your life for your children's well being, the more they'll actually take away.
Just trauma from that. Do not burden your children

let your children be free from yourself instead of being your slave because they are free people.

And as parents, you're just taking care of them when they're young because they can't take care of themselves.
Thank you

apologize for the lateness of the hour.
I hope this was helpful.

The Buddhist teaching is not some specific dogma it's actually just a path that you embark to go from suffering to being free from suffering.
And that state is called Nafana.

And the objective of your spiritual practice is to arrive at that state of N.

It's not where you go after you die or how much you know good karma you gain.

So it's just a guide on how you can live your life free from suffering while you're living in this here and now

most of us actually use our energy to cause ourselves suffering

because of the suffering that we have caused to ourselves.
We seek help from others we seek help from God, from some intercession from the Buddha.
But if you look at nature, even the smallest insect is independent and Autonomous.
Even rabbits and squirrels, they live their own lives.
The only exception is when they're little

so no longer seek help from the outside.
I want you to become independent and Autonomous in your own happiness.

And if you stop actually making yourself suffer, you'll have plenty of leftover energy

and let us take that energy, fool it and try to help others who are less fortunate.

And so a spiritual practitioner is somebody who actually is independent and Autonomous in his or her own happiness and take that leftover energy and use it for the betterment of others.
And I wish such a free life too for all of you.
Thank you.