Balancing Love and Discipline for Children

<Balancing Love
and Discipline for Children>

(Questioner) Thank you
so much for your time

and for everybody who asked
thoughtful questions today.

As a parent, I'm curious,
how do you balance the path

of detachment and acceptance
while also providing discipline

to your children in a balanced way?

(Sunim) When we find ourselves
caught between this or that,

we must recognize that we've
artificially constructed that choice.

By recognizing that we have
artificially constructed these binaries,

I tend to reflect on
what happens in nature.

In nature, in the ecosystem,
you don't see the artificial constructs

that we, as human beings,
create for ourselves.

For example, if you observe a dog,
you will see how the mother

gives birth to puppies
and naturally nurtures them as they grow.

Whether the mother dog gave birth
to two, three, or five puppies,

you never hear her complaining
that five is too much.

Whether it's five puppies
suckling at her teats at the same time,

she simply lets them be.

At the same time you don't see
that mother dog going into

emotional turmoil over
doing the best for her puppies.

Also, you don't see the mother dog
abusing her puppies

just because they sometimes suckle
in a painful way.

The first lesson we can learn
from this is that,

as parents, we should not suffer
while raising our kids.

If you suffer as parents
raising your kids,

then there's more risk
for your kids to go stray.

You've become abusive and irritable
towards your children

because you're trying too hard
to become a good parents.

The second lesson learned is
that the parents,

no matter what happens,
never abuse their children.

The adult dogs may fight each other,
but you don't usually see

an adult dog or a parents dog
abusing their puppies.

They don't bite their own kids.

Sometimes, dogs may do that,
but you can tell it's definitely an outlier,

likely suffering from
some kind of mental issue.

As parents, we should never scream,
abuse, or hit our children

because at that malleable age
you're causing traumas

that's going to last for a lifetime.

The third lesson is to do
what you can for your children,

but don't try to do
what you can't do.

Basically, you're creating your own issue
by trying to do too much,

which leads to problems
and make you irritable.

Providing basic food and shelter
is important,

but whether you wash your children
once a day, twice a day,

or three times a day
doesn’t really matter.

If your child washes once a week,
they'll be totally fine.

Whether you dress your child in expensive
brand-name clothing for your child or not,

that’s your choice
and has nothing to do with the child.

So, do what you can
but the rest you don't have to do.

(Quetioner) Can I just ask
one follow-up question to that?

My fear is that by fully accepting
and loving them as they are,

regardless of their behaviour
because they're two or five.

I'll be allowing them to have
no sense of discipline.

So, do we just trust, let it go,
and accept them?

(Sunom) What are you
really worried about?

What are you worried about that
your children will become or do?

They won't be happy because
society won't accept them.

(Sunim) That will not happen.
That's what your concern is.

For example, your children
doesn't show up for dinner on time.

What Korean parents usually do is
call them for dinner once,

twice, maybe three times
and then yell at them.

Then if their kids shows up late,
then they prepare fresh food for them.

Basically, what we're doing is
two things wrong.

As parents,
we yell and scold them

which could actually
traumatize them.

Then, we spoil them by serving
a fresh dinner outside of mealtime.

All we have to do is tell them it's time
for dinner and that the meal is ready.

If they don’t show up on time,
simply remove it.

And if they want to eat later,
just say you're busy

or tell them to make their own food
if they missed dinner.

You're not scolding or screaming at them,
you're not traumatizing them.

The child may get irritable, cry,
or throw a tantrum because they're hungry,

but that’s a reaction based on
their own personality and emotions,

not because you yelled at them.

The child will then learn
to make a choice,

whether to show up for dinner on time
or make dinner later on his own.

When you say
it's difficult to raise a child,

then you know
you're doing something wrong.

Even if you have three or four children,
it shouldn't be difficult or suffer.

If it's too much for you
then just don't do it,

then the children
will raise themselves.

The worst thing you can do as parents
is you get angry at them.

You were probable scolded
and yelled at by your parents

which may have caused a lot of trauma.

At the same time,
because your parents loved you,

you owe them a debt of gratitude.

If you don't like someone,
and they're a stranger,

all you can do is say goodbye
and walk away.

When it comes to our parents,
we can’t truly say goodbye to our parents,

from whom we've received their love.

But it's not just the grace and gratitude,
but you also have trauma and resentment.

So, you miss them
when you're not together,

but once you get together,
you also have that tension.

This becomes a source of
a lasting tension in our lives.

Oftentimes this relationship
with our parents is really bad

and it leads to mental illness.

Parents become a source of that love,
but also becomes a source of your trauma.

To your children, just let them be,
do what you can.

If there're societal rules that you want
to impart to your children as lessons,

then teach them
and talk to them about it,

but let them make their own decision
on whether to adhere to those.

Children need repetition because they
don't learn everything on the first try.

There's no child walks
perfectly the first time,

a child learns by falling
and getting back up.

You should never get irritable or angry
when teaching something to a child.

If they don't get it the 10th time,
try the 11th time, and beyond.

Just because they're slow to understand
doesn't mean they lacking anything.

Some things they'll get on the first try,
while others might take 12 attempts.

In congclusion, my recommendation
to your question is that

raise your children
as a dog raises their puppy.

There is no problem

because if you're happy as parents,
your children will be happy too.

If you endure suffering
while raising your children,

that suffering will be
passed down to them.

The more you feel you've sacrificed
everything for your children's wellbeing,

the more they may end up
carrying away trauma from that.

Do not burden your children.

Let your children be free from you,
rather than making them your slaves,

because they are free individuals.

And as parents,
you're just taking care of them

when they're young because
they can't take care of themselves.

(Questioner) Thank you.
(Audience applaud)

(Sunim) I apologize
for the lateness of the hour.

I hope this was helpful.

The Buddha's teaching is
not some specific dogma.

It's a path that take you from suffering
to being free from suffering.

That state is called nirvana.

The goal of your spiritual practice is
to arrive at that state of nirvana.

It's not about where you go after you die
or how much good karma you gain.

It’s simply a guide on how to live
your life free from suffering,

while fully embracing
the present moment.

Most of us unknowingly use our energy
to create our own suffering.

Due to the suffering
we've caused ourselves,

we seek help from others, God,
or through the intercession of the Buddha.

But if you look at nature,

even the smallest insect is
independent and autonomous.

Even rabbits and squirrels,
they live their own lives.

The only exception is
when they're very young.

Let's no longer seek help
from the outside.

I want you to become independent
and autonomous in your own happiness.

If you stop causing yourself suffering,
you'll have plenty of energy left over.

And let us take that energy,
channel it,

and try to help others
who are less fortunate.

A spiritual practitioner is someone
who finds happiness independently,

and use any leftover energy
to help others.

I wish this same freedom for all of you.
Thank you.