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How to Take Back Your Power | Reclaiming Control in Relationships

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    One of the most common questions I get
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    is this: I'm feeling powerless. How do I
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    take back my life? How do I take back my power?
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    Man, is that a really good question.
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    So, let's talk first of all about the
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    kinds of situations that can lead you to
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    feel that way. First of all, if you're
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    together with a partner who is domineering,
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    who says, "This is the way it's going to be.
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    I'm out of here if you don't comply
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    with what I..."--so that's one thing that can do it.
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    Another one is somebody who is
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    what we call passive-aggressive.
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    You've probably heard that one a lot, which is
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    somebody who is acting out a defiance of you.
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    For example, you
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    ask them a simple thing like, you know,
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    "Would you mind doing the dishes?"
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    And you come back maybe after
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    watching a TV show at 11:00 at night and
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    your partner's already gone to bed, they
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    haven't done the dishes, and they're
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    waiting for you to do the dishes.
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    That can make you feel powerless. You know,
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    just a little thing like that. But, of
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    course, some of the worst stuff that
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    makes you feel powerless is when you are
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    the object of either verbal abuse,
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    sexual abuse, or physical abuse. Right?
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    And you can have verbal abuse--all of
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    those types of abuse--in an intimate relationship.
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    So, verbal abuse sounds like
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    somebody who is calling you really mean names
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    or is acting superior to you,
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    especially if they do it in front of other
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    people and humiliate you, or somebody
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    who gaslights you. And I know you've
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    probably heard that term a lot, but let
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    me define what it really means. Okay? Because
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    it's not somebody just expressing a
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    very different opinion and trying to
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    convince you of a bad opinion. That's not gaslighting.
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    Here's what gaslighting is:
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    when you've got a very good grasp on
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    something that has just happened and your
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    partner has witnessed it, and then your
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    partner says, "No. No. No. You're crazy. That
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    never happened." That is gaslighting. Let me give
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    you an example. Let's say that your partner
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    just humiliated you in front of
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    a group by talking to the group--I don't
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    know let's say--about how much you snore at night.
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    And you feel really embarrassed,
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    really humiliated, almost violated,
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    because you don't even know the people
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    that you're with--that your partner is sharing this with.
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    So, it's really embarrassing.
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    And then, on the drive home,
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    you say, "You know, when you started
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    talking about my snoring, I felt really
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    humiliated. I felt terrible." And your
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    partner says, "What are you talking about?
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    I never said that or brought that up. No way.
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    I did not say that. You are making that up."
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    Okay, so that we call gaslighting, because you
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    were there and you heard it. Everybody else
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    heard it. Your partner heard it, and yet
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    your partner is saying that never happened.
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    That's gaslighting.
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    Right? Countering your
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    reality with an alternate reality that, as far as you are concerned, is not true.
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    There's no way that that's true.
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    We're not talking about feelings
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    about an issue. We're talking about a
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    behavior that you experienced, and your
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    partner completely denies it. Okay, so
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    that is gaslighting--especially when it's
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    that obvious. Words were spoken. Right?
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    So, that's another form of abuse. It's emotional abuse.
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    Now, sexual abuse can
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    happen with your partner too, where your
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    partner is forcing you into sexual
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    intercourse or sexual activity when you
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    have said no and meant no.
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    That's a form of sexual abuse. That can be rape.
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    That can be, "You know what? If you don't put out
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    tonight, I'm going to quit my job and move elsewhere."
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    That kind of manipulation--that too is sexual abuse,
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    where you are being manipulated to be sexual when you don't want to.
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    And you've said no. That is sexual abuse.
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    That can count.
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    Or your partner forces you to have sex in a
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    way that you do not like, you do not want,
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    and yet your partner is forcing you into it, whether physically or emotionally. That's sexual abuse.
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    And finally, physical abuse. And what physical
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    abuse means is any unwanted touch.
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    And I'm not talking about
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    just, you know, a pat on the shoulder or
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    something that you weren't
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    comfortable with. I'm talking about a
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    push, a shove, a kick, a slap,
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    pushing you down on the floor or
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    on a bed even when you're not expecting that.
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    Those are all mild forms of
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    physical abuse, and it goes all the way
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    from that to really being battered--being kicked, hit, knocked out, strangled, threatened with a weapon.
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    That's all physical abuse. Or somebody is
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    actually committing abuse by threatening
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    your pets--that they're going to hurt
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    your pets or even kill your pets.
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    They're going to destroy some precious object
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    that maybe is an heirloom of yours, or
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    they punch a hole in the wall right next to your head.
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    Those are forms of physical abuse. And all of those forms can really make you feel powerless, scared, out of control.
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    Okay. So what do you do to get in control?
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    The first thing you need to do
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    is figure out what you're feeling about
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    the instances where your partner has
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    exerted that kind of control over you--
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    how you feel about it. And you're not
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    going to be able to really get in touch with that when you're sitting with your partner.
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    You're probably going to need to take a little
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    bit of alone time, whether it's just
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    going to a cafe and having a cup of
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    coffee, remembering the things your
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    partner said or did, and paying attention to what's going on in your body.
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    Do you feel tense in your body?
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    Do you feel tight? Does your breathing feel kind of short and shallow?
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    What happens when you put yourself back into that experience?
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    You first look at your body and then give your body a voice.
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    What is your chest saying when it gets tight and your breathing gets shallow?
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    What's it saying to you? What's your belly saying to you
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    if your partner said something really
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    mean in front of a lot of other people about you? What is your jaw saying?
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    All these bodily manifestations help you get in touch with your feelings.
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    For example, watch me for a moment.
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    See that? That's fear. You're protecting your heart there.
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    When you've been hurt, you're scared, your shoulders
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    go up a little bit, you curl inwards. Right?
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    When you're angry, you may
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    feel your fists clenching or your jaw tightening.
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    If you're also afraid of
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    saying anything, you may feel your throat
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    closing down, tightening up, where it's
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    almost hard to breathe and it's certainly hard to say anything. Right?
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    So, all of those are feelings you're manifesting through your body.
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    And you pay attention then to what words you
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    associate with those particular physical feelings you're having.
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    Is it anger? Are you angry? Are you sad?
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    Are you scared? Are you terrified? Right?
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    Then, that's the first step. You've labeled your own feelings.
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    And what happens when people are feeling
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    powerless a lot of times is they shut
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    down their feelings and don't feel anything.
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    They try and numb themselves.
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    So we've got to undo that, right, by
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    identifying what you feel in your body.
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    That's who you are. That's who you are.
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    And those feelings tell you, okay, I don't like this situation.
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    I don't like what was said to me.
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    I don't like what was done.
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    I need this to change. Right? So how do you
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    take back your power after you've
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    figured out what you're feeling about it
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    and you don't like that particular feeling?
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    One of the most important things
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    to do--there's nothing more important
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    than this--is to speak your truth.
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    I have told that to so many people.
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    People who've been sexually abused,
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    physically abused, emotionally abused, mentally abused--
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    all kinds of ways people have come to me and felt powerless.
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    So you speak your truth.
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    You might say to your partner, for
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    example, "You know what?
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    When we were at that party and you said
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    such and such, I felt humiliated. I felt
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    so put down, so embarrassed, so ashamed.
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    I wanted to run out of the room."
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    You tell that to your partner. Right?
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    If another way you feel powerless--let's go back to
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    our kitchen--and your partner didn't do
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    those dishes and you're exhausted
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    at 11 at night, but you end up having to
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    do them. The next day, you speak your truth.
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    You say to your partner,
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    "Hey, you know, I asked you to do
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    the dishes last night because I was feeling
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    really tired, and the dishes were not done.
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    So that made me feel pretty unhappy."
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    And then you say what you need:
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    "I really need you to follow through when
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    you agree to do something for me. Okay?
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    Would you be willing to do that?"
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    That way, you're not criticizing,
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    you're not being contemptuous of your
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    partner, but what you are saying is how
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    you felt about something that happened
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    with your partner. That's speaking your
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    truth, and then saying what you need.
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    Right? Now, what do you do if your partner
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    denies that whatever you said happened actually happened?
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    Or your partner says, "Well, you deserved it.
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    So too bad. I was tired too.
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    It's your job to do the dishes"? What do you do then?
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    Okay. You reiterate. You repeat back:
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    "Yeah, you may have been tired. I get that.
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    However, I asked you to do something and you agreed.
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    So I assumed you would stick with your word.
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    That didn't happen."
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    Again, you speak your truth.
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    That's part of overcoming that feeling of powerlessness.
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    Speak your truth.
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    I have seen courageous people go
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    back to the stepfather who sexually
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    abused them or a mother who physically
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    abused them. And they have said to that person,
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    "You abused me, and it changed my
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    life forever. It damaged me. It injured me.
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    I--I can never be the person that I wish
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    I could be." You say your own truth when
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    you're ready. When you're ready. Don't do
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    it prematurely just because somebody is
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    telling you to--like me. Do it when it
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    feels right for you and make sure you have plenty of support.
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    Now, if there's a situation where it's really pretty severe,
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    overpowering, that your partner is conducting against you,
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    then it's time to think about, okay, is it time to leave?
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    Because if you're being physically abused--
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    or sexually abused, for that
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    matter--even emotionally or mentally
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    abused, and your partner doesn't respect
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    what you're saying to them, denies it,
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    says, "Too bad. You deserve it. It's your fault,"
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    that, in particular, is an indicator that your partner is not going to change.
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    And if your partner is sticking with that message to you,
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    it's time for you to connect with your own needs.
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    You deserve to feel safe, to feel
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    cherished, to feel cared for, to feel even
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    protected some of the time, to feel
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    treasured and loved and listened to by your partner.
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    Being dominated is not okay in any arena.
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    So once again, pay attention to your body, what it's saying to you.
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    Name the feelings you're having about whatever's going on.
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    When you're ready, with lots of support
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    from friends or other people, speak your truth to the person that is dominating.
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    And then, if there's no change whatsoever and it's serious--
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    you're really, really getting hurt in some way, either physically or emotionally--
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    where you can feel your own self-confidence slipping away,
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    your own reality slipping away, it's time to go
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    look for help and to seriously consider
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    whether or not you're going to stay with
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    a partner who's continually mistreating you, denying their responsibility for it, and refusing to change.
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    That's how you take back your power.
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    And remember, you deserve to have your own sense of power.
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    No matter what you've done, no
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    matter what you've said, you deserve to
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    feel powerful within yourself as a human being and to honor your own truth.
Title:
How to Take Back Your Power | Reclaiming Control in Relationships
Description:

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Video Language:
English
Duration:
17:58

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