How to Take Back Your Power | Reclaiming Control in Relationships

one of the most common questions I get

is this I'm feeling powerless how do I

take back my life how do I take back my

power man is that a really good question

so let's talk first of all about the

kinds of situations that can lead you to

feel that way first of all if you're

together with a partner who is

domineering

says this is the way it's going to

be I'm out of here if you don't comply

with what I so that's one thing that can

do it another one is somebody who is

what we call passive aggressive you

probably heard that one a lot which is

somebody who

is acting

out a Defiance of you for example you

asked them a simple thing like you know

would you mind doing the

dishes and you come back maybe after

watching a TV show at 11:00 at night and

your partner's already gone to bed they

haven't done the dishes and they're

waiting for you to do the dishes that

can make you feel powerless you know

just a little thing like that but of

course some of the worst stuff that

makes you feel powerless is when you are

the object of either verbal

abuse sexual abuse physical abuse right

and you can have verbal abuse all of

those types of abuse in an intimate

relationship so verbal abuse sounds like

somebody who is calling you really mean

names or is acting Superior to you

especially if they do in front of other

people and humil create you or somebody

who gas lights you and I know you

probably heard that term a lot but let

me Define what it really means okay cuz

it it's not somebody just expressing a

very different opinion and trying to

convince you of that opinion that's not

gaslighting here's what gaslighting is

when you've got a very good grasp on

something that has just happened and you

partner has witnessed it and then your

partner says no no no you're crazy that

never happened that is gidy let me give

you an example let's say that your

partner just humiliated you in front of

a group by talking to the group I don't

know let's say about how much you snore

at and you feel really embarrassed

really humiliated almost violated

because you don't even know the people

that you are with that your partner is

sharing this with so it's really

embarrassing and then on the drive home

you say you know when you started

talking about my story and I felt really

humiliated I felt terrible and your

Parker says what are you talking about I

never said that or brought that up no

way I did not say that you were making

that up okay

so that we call gaslighting because you

were there you heard it everybody else

heard it your partner heard it and yet

your partner is saying that never

happened that's

gaslighting right countering your

reality with an alternate

reality that as far as you are concerned

is not true there's no way that that's

true we're not talking about feelings

about an issue we're talking about a

behavior that you experienced and your

partner completely denies it okay so

that is gas sliding especially when it's

that obvious words were spoken right

so that's another form of abuse it's

emotional abuse now sexual abuse can

happen with your partner too where your

part partner is forcing you into sexual

intercourse or sexual activity when you

have said no and meant

no that's a form of sexual abuse that

can be rape that can be you know what if

you don't put out

tonight I'm going to quit my job and

move

elsewhere that kind of manipulation that

too is sexual abuse

where you are being

manipulated to be sexual when you don't

want to and you've said

no that is SE abuse that can Happ or

your partner forces you to have sex in a

way that you do not like you do not want

and yet your partner is forcing you into

it whether physically or

emotionally that's sexual abuse and

finally physical abuse and what physical

abuse means is any

unwanted touch and I'm not talking about

just you know a pat on the shoulder or

something that no you weren't

comfortable with I'm talking about a

push a shove kick a

slap um pushing you down on the floor or

on a bed even uh when you're not

expecting

that those are all mild forms of

physical abuse and it goes all the way

from that to really being bannered being

kicked hit knocked out

strangled threatened with a weapon

that's all physical abuse or somebody is

actually committing abuse by threatening

your pets that they're going to hurt

your pets or even kill your pets they're

going to destroy some precious object

that maybe is an heirloom of yours or

they punch a hole in the wall right next

to your

head then forms physical abuse and all

of those forms can really make you feel

powerless

weed out of

control okay so what do you do to get

that

control the first thing you need to do

is figure out what you're feeling about

the instances where your partner has

exerted that kind of control over you

how you feel about it and you're not

going to be able to really

get in touch with that when you're

sitting with your partner you're

probably going to need to take a little

bit of a long time whether it's just

going to a cafe and having a cup of

coffee remembering the things your

partner said or did and paying attention

to what's going on in your

body do you feel tense in your body do

you feel tight does your breathing feel

kind of short and

shallow what happens when you put

yourself back into that experience you

first look at your body and then give

your body a voice what is your chest

saying when it gets tight and your

breathing gets shallow what's it saying

to you what's your belly saying to you

if your partner said something really

mean in front of of a lot of other

people about

you what is your jaw seeing all these

bodily

manifestations help you get in touch

with your feelings for

example watch me for a

moment see that that's fear you're

protecting your heart there when you've

been hurt you're scared your shoulders

go up a little bit you curl

inwards right when you're angry you may

feel your fist clenching or your jaw

tightening if you're all afraid of

saying anything you may feel your throat

closing down tightening up where it's

almost hard to breathe and it's

certainly hard to say anything right so

all of those are feelings you're

manifesting through your body and you

pay attention then to what words you

associate with those particular physical

feelings having is it Angry are you

angry are you sad are you scared are you

terrified

right

then that's the first step you've

labeled your own feelings and what

happens when people are feeling

powerless a lot of times is they shut

down their feelings and don't feel

anything they try and numb themselves so

we've got to undo that right by

identifying what you feel in your body

that's who you are that's who you are

and those feelings tell you okay I don't

like this

situation I don't like what was said to

me I don't like what was done to me I

need this to change right so how you

take back your power after you've

figured out what you're feeling about it

and you don't like that particular

feeling one of the most important things

to do there's nothing more important

than this is to speak your

truth I have told that to so many people

people who've been sexually abused

physically abused emotionally abused

mentally

abused all kinds of ways people have

come to me and filled pounds so you

speak your

truth you might say to your partner for

example you know what

when we were at that party and you said

such and such I felt humiliated I felt

so put down so embarrassed so ashamed I

wanted to run out of the

room you tell that to your bir right if

another way you feel P let's go back to

our kitchen and your partner didn't do

those dishes es in your

exhausted night but you end up having to

do them the next day you speak your

truth you say to your

partner hey you know I asked you to do

the dishes last night cuz I was feeling

really tired and the dishes were not

done so that made me feel pretty

unhappy and then you say what you need

I really need you to follow through when

you agree to do something for me okay

would you be willing to do

that that way you're not criticizing

you're not being contemptuous of your

partner but what you are saying is how

you felt about something that happened

with your partner that's speaking your

truth and then saying what you need

right now what you do if your partner

denies the whatever you said happened

actually

happened or your partner says well you

deserved it so too bad I was tired too

it's your job to do the dishes what do

you do then

okay you reiterate you repeat

back yeah yeah you may have been tired I

get that

however I asked you to do something and

you agreed so I assumed you would stick

with your word that didn't

happen again you speak your truth that's

part of overcoming that feeling of

powerlessness speak your

truth I have seen courageous people go

back to the The Stepfather who sexually

abused them or a mother who physically

abused him and they have said to that

person you abused me and it changed my

life forever it damaged me it injured me

I I can never be the person that I wish

I could be you say your own truth when

you're ready when you're ready don't do

it prematurely just cuz somebody was

telling you do like me do it when it

feels right for you and make sure you

have plenty of

support now if there's a situation where

it's really pretty

severe overpowering

that your partner is conducting against

you then it's time to think

about

okay is it time to

leave because if you're being physically

abused or sexually abused for that

matter even emotionally or mentally

abused and your partner doesn't respect

what you're saying to them denies it

says too bad you deserve it it's your

fault that in particular is an indicator

that your partner is not going to

change and if your partner is sticking

with that message to

you time for you to connect with your

own

needs you deserve to feel safe to feel

cherished to feel cared for to feel even

protected some of the time to feel

treasured and loved and listened to by

your

partner being dominated is not

okay in any

Arena so once

again pay attention to your body

what it's saying to you name the

feelings you're having about whatever's

going

on when you're ready with lots of

support from friends or other people

speak your

truth to the person that is

dominating and

then if there's no change whatsoever and

it's serious you're really really

getting hurt in some way either

physically or

emotionally where you can feel your own

self-confidence slipping away your own

reality slipping away it's time to go

look for help and to seriously consider

whether or not you're going to stay with

a partner who's

continually mistreating you denying

their responsibility for it and refusing

to cheat

that's how you take back your power and

remember you

deserve to have your own sense of

power no matter what you've done no

matter what you've said you deserve to

feel powerful within yourself as a human

being and to honor your own truth