How to Take Back Your Power | Reclaiming Control in Relationships

One of the most common questions I get

is this: I'm feeling powerless. How do I

take back my life? How do I take back my power?

Man, is that a really good question.

So, let's talk first of all about the

kinds of situations that can lead you to

feel that way. First of all, if you're

together with a partner who is domineering,

who says, "This is the way it's going to be.

I'm out of here if you don't comply

with what I..."--so that's one thing that can do it.

Another one is somebody who is

what we call passive-aggressive.

You've probably heard that one a lot, which is

somebody who is acting out a defiance of you.

For example, you

ask them a simple thing like, you know,

"Would you mind doing the dishes?"

And you come back maybe after

watching a TV show at 11:00 at night and

your partner's already gone to bed, they

haven't done the dishes, and they're

waiting for you to do the dishes.

That can make you feel powerless. You know,

just a little thing like that. But, of

course, some of the worst stuff that

makes you feel powerless is when you are

the object of either verbal abuse,

sexual abuse, or physical abuse. Right?

And you can have verbal abuse--all of

those types of abuse--in an intimate relationship.

So, verbal abuse sounds like

somebody who is calling you really mean names

or is acting superior to you,

especially if they do it in front of other

people and humiliate you, or somebody

who gaslights you. And I know you've

probably heard that term a lot, but let

me define what it really means. Okay? Because

it's not somebody just expressing a

very different opinion and trying to

convince you of a bad opinion. That's not gaslighting.

Here's what gaslighting is:

when you've got a very good grasp on

something that has just happened and your

partner has witnessed it, and then your

partner says, "No. No. No. You're crazy. That

never happened." That is gaslighting. Let me give

you an example. Let's say that your partner

just humiliated you in front of

a group by talking to the group--I don't

know let's say--about how much you snore at night.

And you feel really embarrassed,

really humiliated, almost violated,

because you don't even know the people

that you're with--that your partner is sharing this with.

So, it's really embarrassing.

And then, on the drive home,

you say, "You know, when you started

talking about my snoring, I felt really

humiliated. I felt terrible." And your

partner says, "What are you talking about?

I never said that or brought that up. No way.

I did not say that. You are making that up."

Okay, so that we call gaslighting, because you

were there and you heard it. Everybody else

heard it. Your partner heard it, and yet

your partner is saying that never happened.

That's gaslighting.

Right? Countering your

reality with an alternate reality that, as far as you are concerned, is not true.

There's no way that that's true.

We're not talking about feelings

about an issue. We're talking about a

behavior that you experienced, and your

partner completely denies it. Okay, so

that is gaslighting--especially when it's

that obvious. Words were spoken. Right?

So, that's another form of abuse. It's emotional abuse.

Now, sexual abuse can

happen with your partner too, where your

partner is forcing you into sexual

intercourse or sexual activity when you

have said no and meant no.

That's a form of sexual abuse. That can be rape.

That can be, "You know what? If you don't put out

tonight, I'm going to quit my job and move elsewhere."

That kind of manipulation--that too is sexual abuse,

where you are being manipulated to be sexual when you don't want to.

And you've said no. That is sexual abuse.

That can count.

Or your partner forces you to have sex in a

way that you do not like, you do not want,

and yet your partner is forcing you into it, whether physically or emotionally. That's sexual abuse.

And finally, physical abuse. And what physical

abuse means is any unwanted touch.

And I'm not talking about

just, you know, a pat on the shoulder or

something that you weren't

comfortable with. I'm talking about a

push, a shove, a kick, a slap,

pushing you down on the floor or

on a bed even when you're not expecting that.

Those are all mild forms of

physical abuse, and it goes all the way

from that to really being battered--being kicked, hit, knocked out, strangled, threatened with a weapon.

That's all physical abuse. Or somebody is

actually committing abuse by threatening

your pets--that they're going to hurt

your pets or even kill your pets.

They're going to destroy some precious object

that maybe is an heirloom of yours, or

they punch a hole in the wall right next to your head.

Those are forms of physical abuse. And all of those forms can really make you feel powerless, scared, out of control.

Okay. So what do you do to get in control?

The first thing you need to do

is figure out what you're feeling about

the instances where your partner has

exerted that kind of control over you--

how you feel about it. And you're not

going to be able to really get in touch with that when you're sitting with your partner.

You're probably going to need to take a little

bit of alone time, whether it's just

going to a cafe and having a cup of

coffee, remembering the things your

partner said or did, and paying attention to what's going on in your body.

Do you feel tense in your body?

Do you feel tight? Does your breathing feel kind of short and shallow?

What happens when you put yourself back into that experience?

You first look at your body and then give your body a voice.

What is your chest saying when it gets tight and your breathing gets shallow?

What's it saying to you? What's your belly saying to you

if your partner said something really

mean in front of a lot of other people about you? What is your jaw saying?

All these bodily manifestations help you get in touch with your feelings.

For example, watch me for a moment.

See that? That's fear. You're protecting your heart there.

When you've been hurt, you're scared, your shoulders

go up a little bit, you curl inwards. Right?

When you're angry, you may

feel your fists clenching or your jaw tightening.

If you're also afraid of

saying anything, you may feel your throat

closing down, tightening up, where it's

almost hard to breathe and it's certainly hard to say anything. Right?

So, all of those are feelings you're manifesting through your body.

And you pay attention then to what words you

associate with those particular physical feelings you're having.

Is it anger? Are you angry? Are you sad?

Are you scared? Are you terrified? Right?

Then, that's the first step. You've labeled your own feelings.

And what happens when people are feeling

powerless a lot of times is they shut

down their feelings and don't feel anything.

They try and numb themselves.

So we've got to undo that, right, by

identifying what you feel in your body.

That's who you are. That's who you are.

And those feelings tell you, okay, I don't like this situation.

I don't like what was said to me.

I don't like what was done.

I need this to change. Right? So how do you

take back your power after you've

figured out what you're feeling about it

and you don't like that particular feeling?

One of the most important things

to do--there's nothing more important

than this--is to speak your truth.

I have told that to so many people.

People who've been sexually abused,

physically abused, emotionally abused, mentally abused--

all kinds of ways people have come to me and felt powerless.

So you speak your truth.

You might say to your partner, for

example, "You know what?

When we were at that party and you said

such and such, I felt humiliated. I felt

so put down, so embarrassed, so ashamed.

I wanted to run out of the room."

You tell that to your partner. Right?

If another way you feel powerless--let's go back to

our kitchen--and your partner didn't do

those dishes and you're exhausted

at 11 at night, but you end up having to

do them. The next day, you speak your truth.

You say to your partner,

"Hey, you know, I asked you to do

the dishes last night because I was feeling

really tired, and the dishes were not done.

So that made me feel pretty unhappy."

And then you say what you need:

"I really need you to follow through when

you agree to do something for me. Okay?

Would you be willing to do that?"

That way, you're not criticizing,

you're not being contemptuous of your

partner, but what you are saying is how

you felt about something that happened

with your partner. That's speaking your

truth, and then saying what you need.

Right? Now, what do you do if your partner

denies that whatever you said happened actually happened?

Or your partner says, "Well, you deserved it.

So too bad. I was tired too.

It's your job to do the dishes"? What do you do then?

Okay. You reiterate. You repeat back:

"Yeah, you may have been tired. I get that.

However, I asked you to do something and you agreed.

So I assumed you would stick with your word.

That didn't happen."

Again, you speak your truth.

That's part of overcoming that feeling of powerlessness.

Speak your truth.

I have seen courageous people go

back to the stepfather who sexually

abused them or a mother who physically

abused them. And they have said to that person,

"You abused me, and it changed my

life forever. It damaged me. It injured me.

I--I can never be the person that I wish

I could be." You say your own truth when

you're ready. When you're ready. Don't do

it prematurely just because somebody is

telling you to--like me. Do it when it

feels right for you and make sure you have plenty of support.

Now, if there's a situation where it's really pretty severe,

overpowering, that your partner is conducting against you,

then it's time to think about, okay, is it time to leave?

Because if you're being physically abused--

or sexually abused, for that

matter--even emotionally or mentally

abused, and your partner doesn't respect

what you're saying to them, denies it,

says, "Too bad. You deserve it. It's your fault,"

that, in particular, is an indicator that your partner is not going to change.

And if your partner is sticking with that message to you,

it's time for you to connect with your own needs.

You deserve to feel safe, to feel

cherished, to feel cared for, to feel even

protected some of the time, to feel

treasured and loved and listened to by your partner.

Being dominated is not okay in any arena.

So once again, pay attention to your body, what it's saying to you.

Name the feelings you're having about whatever's going on.

When you're ready, with lots of support

from friends or other people, speak your truth to the person that is dominating.

And then, if there's no change whatsoever and it's serious--

you're really, really getting hurt in some way, either physically or emotionally--

where you can feel your own self-confidence slipping away,

your own reality slipping away, it's time to go

look for help and to seriously consider

whether or not you're going to stay with

a partner who's continually mistreating you, denying their responsibility for it, and refusing to change.

That's how you take back your power.

And remember, you deserve to have your own sense of power.

No matter what you've done, no

matter what you've said, you deserve to

feel powerful within yourself as a human being and to honor your own truth.