< Return to Video

Sharing About My Experience of Domestic Violence

  • 0:04 - 0:05
    <Sharing About My Experience
    of Domestic Violence>
  • 0:09 - 0:17
    (Questioner) Good evening, Sunim.
  • 0:17 - 0:30
    By chance I came across
    your Dhahma Q&A on YouTube
  • 0:30 - 0:36
    It brought a sense of relief to my heart.
  • 0:36 - 0:40
    I realized that the worries
    I had been carrying were
  • 0:40 - 0:41
    not as significant as I once thought.
  • 0:41 - 0:42
    Now as a mother of three,
    I feel a bit of more at peace.
  • 0:42 - 0:42
    About 10 years ago,
    I fled to the United States to escape
  • 0:42 - 0:43
    domestic violence from my ex husband.
  • 0:43 - 1:00
    I chose to marry him
    because having no surviving parents or siblings,
  • 1:00 - 1:09
    I longed to create a big family
    of my own through marriage.
  • 1:09 - 1:13
    However, due to the domestic violence,
    I ultimately had to end the relationship.
  • 1:13 - 1:15
    And now I live in the United States.
  • 1:15 - 1:16
    Although I don't wish to maintain
    contact with my children's father given
  • 1:16 - 1:17
    that I have no family,
    I actively encourage my children
  • 1:17 - 1:17
    to stay connected
    with their father's family
  • 1:17 - 1:17
    as they are the only blood relatives
    my children have.
  • 1:17 - 1:37
    Recently, I explained to my eldest child
    why we had to not only leave the lived
  • 1:37 - 1:46
    for the United States without their father.
  • 1:46 - 1:51
    After hearing this, my child has been
    deeply disappointed in him
  • 1:51 - 1:53
    and struggled to understand how he could act
    as though nothing had happened
  • 1:53 - 1:55
    when we visited Korea two years ago
    without offering any apology.
  • 1:55 - 1:55
    It seems my child is upset
    by this awareness.
  • 1:55 - 1:56
    I'm wondering for the sake of my children
    whether I should continue
  • 1:56 - 2:01
    to shield them from the full truth
    or if I bringing open and honest with my children
  • 2:01 - 2:07
    as the right decision
    I would appreciate your guardian
  • 2:14 - 2:16
    (Sunim) Every child wants
    their parents to be good people.
  • 2:23 - 2:28
    If you think that your father is a bad person,
    then that affects your self esteem.
  • 2:33 - 2:36
    And if somebody else, a stranger,
    criticized your dads,
  • 2:36 - 2:39
    you still have some excuse.
  • 2:43 - 2:45
    You can say you don't really know my dad.
  • 2:49 - 2:54
    If my mother criticized my father,
    then you can't escape
  • 2:54 - 2:59
    because my mother would not tell me a lie.
  • 3:02 - 3:07
    In that sense, it becomes really clear
    that my dad is not a good person.
  • 3:11 - 3:16
    On the other hand, imagine if the child
    thinks that my mother is lying,
  • 3:19 - 3:25
    then my mother, who's a liar to me,
    to her own children, becomes a bad person.
  • 3:33 - 3:37
    That causes a psychological issue
    because confusion among in the child.
  • 3:37 - 3:42
    If the mother and father criticize each other.
  • 3:46 - 3:52
    Whether it's a,husband and wife.
    No one is a bad person here.
  • 3:52 - 3:59
    You had your own issues.
    There's no problem for you splitting up
  • 4:02 - 4:06
    because you chose him as your husband,
    then you gave up on him as your husband.
  • 4:18 - 4:23
    I think it's better for you to explain
    that you divorced him or you left him
  • 4:23 - 4:25
    not because he was a bad person,
    it was because you could not deal
  • 4:25 - 4:28
    with the situation
  • 4:28 - 4:30
    (Questioner) But he's a better person.
    (Audiance/Sumim Laughter)
  • 4:35 - 4:38
    (Sunim) But if you do that
    it's not a good effect on your children.
  • 4:43 - 4:48
    Then your child cannot escape from the fact
    that their dad is a bad person.
  • 4:51 - 4:57
    I mean they can accept the fact
    that you guys separated as a couple
  • 4:57 - 5:00
    because we were incompatible.
  • 5:00 - 5:02
    That is different from bad person.
  • 5:11 - 5:16
    the first questionnaire as well.
    You can get divorced
  • 5:16 - 5:21
    but at the same time, you can maintain
    that respect as co parents of the same children
  • 5:25 - 5:28
    because your problem is
    a problem between two adults.
  • 5:28 - 5:30
    So it's not a problem for the children.
  • 5:38 - 5:42
    So that responsibility should remain
    with the adults.
  • 5:42 - 5:46
    It should not be handed down
    to your children.
  • 5:52 - 5:54
    Perhaps you feel a possessiveness
    or ownership over your children
  • 5:54 - 5:56
    because they are your children.
  • 6:02 - 6:07
    You have this subconscious perspective
    that you think their father's bad.
  • 6:07 - 6:11
    Therefore your children
    should also think their father's bad.
  • 6:16 - 6:20
    That means you're not recognizing
    your children as independent agents,
  • 6:25 - 6:29
    but your children are independent agencies.
  • 6:32 - 6:39
    As a parent you want
    to help them grow up right.
  • 6:39 - 6:46
    The children do not exist for me,
    I exists for the children.
  • 6:53 - 6:57
    If the children are better off with me,
    no matter what challenges I face,
  • 6:57 - 7:01
    I should keep the children with me.
  • 7:10 - 7:15
    If the children are better off with a father
    or somebody else,
  • 7:15 - 7:18
    then no matter how pained you are,
    how much you may miss your children,
  • 7:18 - 7:21
    you should let them go.
  • 7:30 - 7:36
    In other words, your children are
    not your possessions
  • 7:36 - 7:39
    they are independent agencies
    that you are there in your role as parents
  • 7:39 - 7:42
    to help them grow into independent adults.
  • 7:53 - 7:59
    So when you discuss custody,
    when you discuss other issues related to divorce,
  • 7:59 - 8:01
    you're not putting the children
    in the center.
  • 8:01 - 8:04
    You are negotiating
    the rights of parents among each other.
  • 8:09 - 8:12
    I don't think that helps
    with the children.
  • 8:12 - 8:26
    (Questioner) Actually, my question was,
    should I be open with my kids
  • 8:26 - 8:33
    what happened in the past in Korea.
  • 8:33 - 8:37
    When I shared with my son,
    he was struggling to know the truth.
  • 8:37 - 8:38
    So my question was, should I be open,
    honest with my children
  • 8:38 - 8:40
    or just like you said, being a good parent
    and just covering her up.
  • 8:53 - 9:00
    You insist what you said
    what happened in the past
  • 9:00 - 9:03
    because when you left him that situation,
    you're saying that's what happened
  • 9:03 - 9:05
    that's the truth of the situation.
  • 9:05 - 9:06
    But even that is
    just merely your perspective.
  • 9:18 - 9:27
    Because if you approach
    that story from the perspective
  • 9:27 - 9:31
    that he is a bad person,
    then you are already making a value judgment
  • 9:31 - 9:33
    and you are really relaying that story
    from a self centric perspective
  • 9:33 - 9:35
    that actually is worse than not saying it all.
  • 9:46 - 9:51
    But if you can remove that emotion
    or that value judgment from that story,
  • 9:51 - 9:56
    then I think you can be transparent
    with your children about why you left.
  • 10:02 - 10:08
    I think your son was in shock
    and had a hard time dealing with this
  • 10:08 - 10:10
    because the lesson learned from that story
    that your son got was
  • 10:10 - 10:13
    that his dad was a bad person.
  • 10:25 - 10:30
    So if you feel like your ex husband is a bad person,
    he's no better than an animal obese,
  • 10:30 - 10:35
    then your child becomes a son of obese.
  • 10:39 - 10:44
    (Questioner) I'm sorry,
    I don't understand and I don't agree.
  • 10:56 - 10:59
    (Sunim) Basically if you say
    your ex is a bad person,
  • 10:59 - 11:03
    your children become
    children of a bad person.
  • 11:04 - 11:18
    (Questioner) They're different.
    My son is not I mean not my ex husband I mean Sims said if I describe my ex husband as a bad person, that means my son is the blood of my ex husband.
  • 11:18 - 11:25
    But I don't agree
    because my children will blame me
  • 11:25 - 11:33
    because I left their father behind in Korea
    and I brought them.
  • 11:48 - 11:58
    (Sunim) So if you feel like
    you have no choice
  • 11:58 - 12:04
    but to tell your children that
    their father was a bad person,
  • 12:04 - 12:06
    I think it's better not to say that
    and say, "You are my children."
  • 12:06 - 12:09
    I don't know who the dad is.
    I'll tell you about your dad when you grow up
  • 12:12 - 12:13
    It is your choice.
  • 12:13 - 12:25
    (Questioner) My son got hurt
    because two years ago we visited Korea
  • 12:25 - 12:30
    and my ex husband acted like
    nothing happened.
  • 12:30 - 12:33
    He didn't even apologize
    and that's why my son got really hurt.
  • 12:33 - 12:34
    I'm a survivor of domestic violence.
  • 12:34 - 12:36
    If I were still in Korea,
    I would be died by him.
  • 12:41 - 12:44
    (Sunim) So the fact that
    your husband hits you,
  • 12:44 - 12:47
    it means that he is a criminal,
    e's a violent criminal
  • 12:51 - 12:56
    He should be reported
    and be forced to face justice.
  • 13:02 - 13:07
    But, nevertheless, even if he's in prison,
    you should go see him
  • 13:07 - 13:11
    because he's still your husband.
  • 13:11 - 13:17
    I already did 15 years ago in Korea
    but the police said this is a family stuff
  • 13:17 - 13:19
    though they didn't help me.
  • 13:19 - 13:22
    That's why I had to escape from there.
  • 13:30 - 13:36
    Whether it's your husband,
    whether it's your parents,
  • 13:36 - 13:38
    whether it's even your own children,
    if they lash out in violence,
  • 13:38 - 13:41
    that's a crime.
    So they become criminals.
  • 13:47 - 13:49
    They may be criminals
    but they're still your husband,
  • 13:49 - 13:52
    your parents or your children.
  • 13:57 - 14:01
    But if they're my relatives,
    we tend to want to cover up
  • 14:01 - 14:05
    even they're crimes
  • 14:11 - 14:18
    then we cause hurt to the cause of social justice
    and make a bad situation worse.
  • 14:23 - 14:26
    So no matter who it is,
    if they have gone against the law,
  • 14:26 - 14:28
    they should face justice.
  • 14:36 - 14:39
    But whatever crimes they committed,
    they are still your husband,
  • 14:39 - 14:42
    your parents or your children.
  • 14:50 - 14:53
    And so my friend might have committed a crime
  • 14:53 - 14:55
    but he's a criminal now
    but he's still my friend.
  • 15:02 - 15:06
    That's a way for them
    after paying for their crimes can come back
  • 15:06 - 15:10
    and rehabilitate themselves
    and be with their families again.
  • 15:17 - 15:22
    Because if you think
    according to your perspective,
  • 15:22 - 15:28
    a person who has committed a crime once
    always should be forever shut out from the society.
  • 15:43 - 15:47
    If your ex husband hit you, raped you
    or committed other violence upon you,
  • 15:47 - 15:51
    then he should be facing the justice.
  • 15:56 - 16:04
    But just because he committed
    a crime does not necessarily mean
  • 16:04 - 16:08
    you have to hate him.
  • 16:08 - 16:12
    That's why we can't solve this problem
    because hatred is really self suffering.
  • 16:15 - 16:20
    That's why even now
    you're not free yourself from that person.
  • 16:25 - 16:30
    You can truly only liberate yourself
    from that person once you stop hating.
  • 16:37 - 16:47
    You might think
    that your hatred is justified.
  • 16:47 - 16:52
    It's a wise reaction to have to
    what you suffered,
  • 16:52 - 16:55
    but it is an action that actually brings
    upon your own suffering.
  • 16:55 - 16:56
    (Questioner) Thank you.
  • 16:56 - 16:57
    (Sunim) Then you have no choice
    but to continue to suffer.
  • 16:57 - 16:58
    Please, do you want to share
    your experience?
  • 16:58 - 17:14
    (Questioner 2) I heard that
    she needs to think about the kids
  • 17:14 - 17:18
    because I have the same situation
    when I get divorced
  • 17:18 - 17:24
    my kids were 2 and 8 years old at that time
  • 17:24 - 17:27
    and I constantly talked with my friends
    telling them how bad was my ex husband
  • 17:27 - 17:28
    but I didn't realize that
    my kids hear everything
  • 17:28 - 17:29
    and they suffered too much
    but they didn't look like they were suffering.
  • 17:29 - 17:29
    They were excellent kids they go to college,
    they have degrees
  • 17:29 - 17:43
    but when my older son, they started his family,
    everything go down
  • 17:43 - 17:50
    And now my both kids are
    with psychiatrics
  • 17:50 - 17:53
    because they were with drugs,
    alcohol at the adult age
  • 17:53 - 17:55
    because they were suffered
    for all the words that they heard for me.
  • 17:55 - 17:56
    And I hope she realized that
    this is it's important
  • 17:56 - 17:56
    that she stooped saying bad
    about their parents
  • 17:56 - 17:56
    because the kids lost their self esteem
    and destroyed their lives.
  • 18:10 - 18:13
    (Sunim) So I think you need
    some more time,
  • 18:13 - 18:16
    maybe to be more self reflective
    about your actions
  • 18:27 - 18:32
    If you discover later on that
    you have actually passed down
  • 18:32 - 18:34
    your own suffering to your children,
    allow it to amplify itself
  • 18:34 - 18:37
    then you'll engage in regrets
    at that time.
  • 18:40 - 18:46
    But just because you suffer doesn't mean
    your children has to what kind of self free
  • 18:51 - 18:52
    You should handle it at your level
    and prevent
  • 18:52 - 18:57
    that being passed down to your children.
  • 19:08 - 19:12
    But because we're all foolish,
    we tend to inherit our parents' suffering
  • 19:12 - 19:15
    and then also pass that down to our children.
Title:
Sharing About My Experience of Domestic Violence
Description:

more » « less
Video Language:
English
Duration:
19:27

English subtitles

Incomplete

Revisions Compare revisions