hideHelp Amara.org break down language barriers and make media truly global by Donating to the Participatory Culture Foundation (PCF).
Join us in creating a more inclusive digital world!

< Return to Video

Sharing About My Experience of Domestic Violence

  • 0:04 - 0:09
    <Sharing About My Experience
    of Domestic Violence>
  • 0:09 - 0:14
    (Questioner) Good evening, Sunim.
    By chance I came across your Dhahma Q&A
  • 0:14 - 0:21
    on YouTube and it brought
    a sense of relief to my heart.
  • 0:21 - 0:25
    I realized that the worries
    I had been carrying were
  • 0:25 - 0:27
    not as significant as I once thought.
  • 0:27 - 0:34
    Now as a mother of three,
    I feel a bit of more at peace.
  • 0:34 - 0:37
    About 10 years ago,
    I fled to the United States to escape
  • 0:37 - 0:41
    domestic violence from my ex husband.
  • 0:41 - 0:47
    I chose to marry him because
    having no surviving parents or siblings.
  • 0:47 - 0:51
    I longed to create a big family
    of my own through marriage.
  • 0:51 - 0:57
    However, due to the domestic violence,
    I ultimately had to end the relationship.
  • 0:57 - 1:00
    And now I live in the United States.
  • 1:00 - 1:06
    Although I don't wish to maintain
    contact with my children's father given
  • 1:06 - 1:10
    that I have no family,
    I actively encourage my children
  • 1:10 - 1:14
    to stay connected
    with their father's family
  • 1:14 - 1:18
    as they are the only blood relatives
    my children have.
  • 1:18 - 1:26
    Recently, I explained to my eldest child
    why we had to leave
  • 1:26 - 1:29
    for the United States
    without their father.
  • 1:29 - 1:35
    After hearing this, my child was
    deeply disappointed in him
  • 1:35 - 1:40
    and struggled to understand how
    he could act as if nothing had happened,
  • 1:40 - 1:43
    especially, when we visited
    Korea two years ago,
  • 1:43 - 1:46
    he offered no apology.
  • 1:46 - 1:50
    It seems my child is upset
    by this awareness.
  • 1:50 - 1:55
    I'm wondering, for the sake of my children,
    whether I should continue to shield them
  • 1:55 - 2:01
    from the full truth
    or if being open and honest with my children
  • 2:01 - 2:07
    is the right decision.
    I would appreciate your guidance.
  • 2:07 - 2:16
    (Sunim) Every child wants
    their parents to be good people.
  • 2:16 - 2:25
    If you think that
    your father is a bad person,
  • 2:25 - 2:28
    then that affects your self esteem.
  • 2:28 - 2:37
    And if somebody else, a stranger,
    criticized your dads,
  • 2:37 - 2:39
    you still have some excuse.
  • 2:39 - 2:45
    You can say
    "You don't really know my dad."
  • 2:45 - 2:54
    But if my mother criticized my father,
    then you can't escape
  • 2:54 - 2:59
    because my mother would not tell me a lie.
  • 2:59 - 3:07
    In that sense, it becomes really clear
    that my dad is not a good person.
  • 3:07 - 3:16
    On the other hand, imagine
    if the child thinks that my mother is lying,
  • 3:16 - 3:24
    then my mother,
    who's a liar to her own children,
  • 3:24 - 3:25
    becomes a bad person.
  • 3:25 - 3:39
    It can causes a psychological issue
    and confusion among in the child,
  • 3:39 - 3:42
    if the mother and father
    criticize each other.
  • 3:42 - 3:51
    Whether it's a husband and wife,
    no one here is a bad person.
  • 3:51 - 3:54
    You had your own issues.
  • 3:54 - 3:59
    There's no problem for you splitting up
  • 3:59 - 4:06
    because you chose him as your husband,
    then you gave up on him as your husband.
  • 4:06 - 4:22
    I think it's better for you to explain
    that you divorced him or you left him
  • 4:22 - 4:26
    not because he was a bad person,
    it was because you could not deal
  • 4:26 - 4:28
    with the situation
  • 4:28 - 4:33
    (Questioner) But he's a better person.
    (Audiance/Sumim Laughter)
  • 4:33 - 4:39
    (Sunim) But if you do that
    it's not a good effect on your children.
  • 4:39 - 4:49
    Then your child can't escape from the fact
    that their dad is a bad person.
  • 4:49 - 4:55
    I mean they can accept the fact
    that you guys separated as a couple
  • 4:55 - 4:57
    because we were incompatible.
  • 4:57 - 5:03
    That is different from bad person.
  • 5:03 - 5:16
    the first questionnaire as well.
    You can get divorced
  • 5:16 - 5:18
    but at the same time,
    you can maintain that respect
  • 5:18 - 5:21
    as co parents of the same children.
  • 5:21 - 5:28
    Because your problem is
    a problem between two adults.
  • 5:28 - 5:30
    So it's not a problem for the children.
  • 5:30 - 5:43
    So, that responsibility should remain
    with the adults.
  • 5:43 - 5:47
    It should not be handed down
    to your children.
  • 5:47 - 5:55
    Perhaps you feel a possessiveness
    or ownership over your children
  • 5:55 - 5:58
    because they are your children.
  • 5:58 - 6:08
    You have this subconscious perspective
    that you think their father's bad,
  • 6:08 - 6:11
    therefore your children
    should also think their father's bad.
  • 6:11 - 6:20
    That means you' are not recognizing
    your children as independent agents,
  • 6:20 - 6:29
    but your children are
    independent agencies.
  • 6:29 - 6:37
    As a parent,
    you want to help them grow up right.
  • 6:37 - 6:46
    The children do not exist for me,
    I exists for the children.
  • 6:46 - 6:58
    If the children are better off with me,
    no matter what challenges I face,
  • 6:58 - 7:01
    I should keep the children with me.
  • 7:01 - 7:16
    If the children are better off
    with a father or somebody else,
  • 7:16 - 7:19
    then no matter how pained you are,
    how much you may miss your children,
  • 7:19 - 7:21
    you should let them go.
  • 7:21 - 7:35
    In other words, your children are
    not your pet or your possessions.
  • 7:35 - 7:39
    They are independent agencies
    that you are there in your role as parents
  • 7:39 - 7:42
    to help them grow
    into independent adults.
  • 7:42 - 7:57
    So when you discuss custody and
    discuss other issues related to divorce,
  • 7:57 - 8:00
    you're not putting the children
    in the center.
  • 8:00 - 8:06
    You are negotiating
    the rights of parents among each other.
  • 8:06 - 8:12
    I don't think that helps
    with the children.
  • 8:12 - 8:16
    (Questioner) Actually, my question was,
    should I be open with my kids
  • 8:16 - 8:20
    what happened in the past in Korea.
  • 8:20 - 8:27
    When I shared with my son,
    he was struggling to know the truth.
  • 8:27 - 8:32
    So my question was, should I be open
    and honest with my children
  • 8:32 - 8:41
    or, just like you said,
    be a good parent and covering things up.
  • 8:41 - 8:56
    (Sunim) You insist what you said
    what happened in the past
  • 8:56 - 9:00
    because when you left him that situation,
    you're saying that's what happened
  • 9:00 - 9:03
    that's the truth of the situation.####
  • 9:03 - 9:07
    But even that is
    just merely your perspective.
  • 9:07 - 9:21
    Because if you approach that story
    from the perspective
  • 9:21 - 9:26
    that he is a bad person,
    then you are already making a value judgment
  • 9:26 - 9:30
    and you are relaying that story
    from a self centric perspective
  • 9:30 - 9:35
    That actually is worse
    than not saying it all.
  • 9:35 - 9:51
    But if you can remove that emotion
    or that value judgment from that story,
  • 9:51 - 9:56
    then I think you can be transparent
    with your children about why you left.
  • 9:56 - 10:06
    I think your son was in shock
    and had a hard time dealing with this
  • 10:06 - 10:09
    because the lesson learned
    from that story
  • 10:09 - 10:15
    that your son got was that
    his dad was a bad person.
  • 10:15 - 10:22
    If you feel like
    your ex husband is a bad person,
  • 10:22 - 10:39
    he's no better than an animal obese,
    then your child becomes a son of beast.
  • 10:39 - 10:46
    (Questioner) I'm sorry,
    I don't understand and I don't agree.
  • 10:46 - 10:59
    (Sunim) Basically if you say
    your ex is a bad person,
  • 10:59 - 11:04
    your children become
    children of a bad person.
  • 11:04 - 11:11
    (Questioner) They're different.
    My son is not my ex husband.
  • 11:11 - 11:18
    I mean Sims said if I describe my ex husband as a bad person, that means my son is the blood of my ex husband.
  • 11:18 - 11:25
    But I don't agree
    because my children will blame me
  • 11:25 - 11:39
    because I left their father behind in Korea
    and I brought them without him.
  • 11:39 - 11:46
    (Sunim) If you have no choice
    but to tell your children
  • 11:46 - 11:54
    that their father was a bad person.
  • 11:54 - 12:02
    I think it's better not to say that
    and say, "You are my children."
  • 12:02 - 12:06
    I don't know who the dad is.
  • 12:06 - 12:11
    I'll tell you about your dad
    when you grow up
  • 12:11 - 12:14
    It is your choice.
  • 12:14 - 12:17
    (Questioner) My son got hurt
    because two years ago we visited Korea
  • 12:17 - 12:21
    and my ex husband acted like
    nothing happened.
  • 12:21 - 12:27
    He didn't even apologize
    and that's why my son got really hurt.
  • 12:27 - 12:31
    I'm a survivor of domestic violence.
  • 12:31 - 12:36
    If I were still in Korea,
    I would be died by him.
  • 12:36 - 12:44
    (Sunim) The fact that
    your husband hits you,
  • 12:44 - 12:47
    it means that he is a criminal,
    he's a violent criminal
  • 12:47 - 12:56
    He should be reported
    and be forced to face justice.
  • 12:56 - 13:09
    But, nevertheless, even if he's in prison,
    you should go see him
  • 13:09 - 13:11
    because he is still your husband.
  • 13:11 - 13:14
    (Questioner) I already did,
    15 years ago in Korea.
  • 13:14 - 13:20
    But the police said it was a family matter,
    so they didn't help me.
  • 13:20 - 13:23
    That's why I had to escape from there.
  • 13:23 - 13:34
    (Sunim) Whether it is your husband,
    whether it's your parents,
  • 13:34 - 13:38
    whether it's even your own children,
    if they lash out in violence,
  • 13:38 - 13:41
    that's a crime.
    So they become criminals.
  • 13:41 - 13:49
    They may be criminals
    but they're still your husband,
  • 13:49 - 13:52
    your parents or your children.
  • 13:52 - 14:03
    But if they are my relatives,
    we tend to want to cover up
  • 14:03 - 14:05
    even their crimes.
  • 14:05 - 14:16
    And by doing so,
    we harm the cause of social justice
  • 14:16 - 14:18
    and make a bad situation even worse.
  • 14:18 - 14:27
    So no matter who it is,
    if they have gone against the law,
  • 14:27 - 14:29
    they should face justice.
  • 14:29 - 14:40
    But whatever crimes they committed,
    they are still your husband,
  • 14:40 - 14:42
    your parents or your children.
  • 14:42 - 14:53
    My friend might have committed a crime,
    he is a criminal now,
  • 14:53 - 14:56
    but he is still my friend.
  • 14:56 - 15:05
    That is a way for them,
    after paying for their crimes,
  • 15:05 - 15:10
    to come back, rebuild their lives,
    and be with their families again.
  • 15:10 - 15:23
    According to your perspective,
    a person who has committed a crime once
  • 15:23 - 15:28
    should be shut out
    from the society forever.
  • 15:28 - 15:48
    If your ex husband hit you, raped you
    or committed other violence upon you,
  • 15:48 - 15:52
    then he should be facing the justice.
  • 15:52 - 16:01
    But just because he committed a crime
    does not necessarily mean
  • 16:01 - 16:03
    you have to hate him.
  • 16:03 - 16:07
    That's why we can't solve this problem
  • 16:07 - 16:12
    because hatred is really self suffering.
  • 16:12 - 16:20
    That's why, even now,
    you are still not free from that person.
  • 16:20 - 16:31
    You can truly only liberate yourself
    from that person once you stop hating.
  • 16:31 - 16:39
    You might think
    that your hatred is justified.
  • 16:39 - 16:42
    It is a wise reaction to have to
    what you suffered,
  • 16:42 - 16:47
    but it is an action that actually brings
    upon your own suffering.
  • 16:47 - 16:48
    (Questioner) Thank you.
  • 16:48 - 16:53
    (Sunim) Then you have no choice
    but to continue to suffer.
  • 16:53 - 16:58
    Please, do you want to share
    your experience?
  • 16:58 - 17:01
    (Audiance1) I heard that
    she needs to think about the kids
  • 17:01 - 17:05
    because I have the same situation
    when I get divorced,
  • 17:05 - 17:09
    and my kids were
    2 and 8 years old at that time.
  • 17:09 - 17:15
    I constantly talked with my friends
    telling them how bad was my ex husband,
  • 17:15 - 17:19
    but I didn't realize that
    my kids hear everything
  • 17:19 - 17:20
    and they suffered too much.
  • 17:20 - 17:22
    But they didn't look like
    they were suffering.
  • 17:22 - 17:26
    They were excellent kids,
    they went to college, they have degrees.
  • 17:26 - 17:33
    But when my older son,
    they started his family,
    everything go down
  • 17:33 - 17:36
    And now, my both kids are
    with psychiatrics
  • 17:36 - 17:40
    because they were with drugs,
    alcohol at the adult age
  • 17:40 - 17:44
    because they were suffered
    for all the words that they heard for me.
  • 17:44 - 17:48
    And I hope she realized
    that this is important
  • 17:48 - 17:52
    that she need to stop
    saying something bad about their parents
  • 17:52 - 18:02
    because the kids lost their self esteem
    and destroyed their lives.
  • 18:02 - 18:13
    (Sunim) So I think you need
    some more time,
  • 18:13 - 18:16
    maybe to be more self reflective
    about your actions.
  • 18:16 - 18:31
    If you discover later on that
    you have actually passed down
  • 18:31 - 18:34
    your own suffering to your children,
    allow it to amplify itself
  • 18:34 - 18:37
    then you'll engage in regrets
    at that time.
  • 18:37 - 18:45
    Just because you suffer doesn't mean
    your children has to.
  • 18:45 - 18:54
    No matter what kind of suffeirng
    you should handle it at your level
  • 18:54 - 18:57
    and prevent that
    being passed down to your children.
  • 18:57 - 19:13
    But because we are all foolish,
    we tend to inherit our parents' suffering
  • 19:13 - 19:24
    and then also pass that down to our children.
Title:
Sharing About My Experience of Domestic Violence
Description:

more » « less
Video Language:
English
Duration:
19:27

English subtitles

Incomplete

Revisions Compare revisions