Sharing About My Experience of Domestic Violence

<Sharing About My Experience
of Domestic Violence>

(Questioner) Good evening, Sunim.
By chance I came across your Dhahma Q&A

on YouTube and it brought
a sense of relief to my heart.

I realized that the worries
I had been carrying were

not as significant as I once thought.

Now as a mother of three,
I feel a bit of more at peace.

About 10 years ago,
I fled to the United States to escape

domestic violence from my ex husband.

I chose to marry him because
having no surviving parents or siblings.

I longed to create a big family
of my own through marriage.

However, due to the domestic violence,
I ultimately had to end the relationship.

And now I live in the United States.

Although I don't wish to maintain
contact with my children's father given

that I have no family,
I actively encourage my children

to stay connected
with their father's family

as they are the only blood relatives
my children have.

Recently, I explained to my eldest child
why we had to leave

for the United States
without their father.

After hearing this, my child was
deeply disappointed in him

and struggled to understand how
he could act as if nothing had happened,

especially, when we visited
Korea two years ago,

he offered no apology.

It seems my child is upset
by this awareness.

I'm wondering, for the sake of my children,
whether I should continue to shield them

from the full truth
or if being open and honest with my children

is the right decision.
I would appreciate your guidance.

(Sunim) Every child wants
their parents to be good people.

If you think that
your father is a bad person,

then that affects your self esteem.

And if somebody else, a stranger,
criticized your dads,

you still have some excuse.

You can say
"You don't really know my dad."

But if my mother criticized my father,
then you can't escape

because my mother would not tell me a lie.

In that sense, it becomes really clear
that my dad is not a good person.

On the other hand, imagine
if the child thinks that my mother is lying,

then my mother,
who's a liar to her own children,

becomes a bad person.

It can causes a psychological issue
and confusion among in the child,

if the mother and father
criticize each other.

Whether it's a husband and wife,
no one here is a bad person.

You had your own issues.

There's no problem for you splitting up

because you chose him as your husband,
then you gave up on him as your husband.

I think it's better for you to explain
that you divorced him or you left him

not because he was a bad person,
it was because you could not deal

with the situation

(Questioner) But he's a better person.
(Audiance/Sumim Laughter)

(Sunim) But if you do that
it's not a good effect on your children.

Then your child can't escape from the fact
that their dad is a bad person.

I mean they can accept the fact
that you guys separated as a couple

because we were incompatible.

That is different from bad person.

the first questionnaire as well.
You can get divorced

but at the same time,
you can maintain that respect

as co parents of the same children.

Because your problem is
a problem between two adults.

So it's not a problem for the children.

So, that responsibility should remain
with the adults.

It should not be handed down
to your children.

Perhaps you feel a possessiveness
or ownership over your children

because they are your children.

You have this subconscious perspective
that you think their father's bad,

therefore your children
should also think their father's bad.

That means you' are not recognizing
your children as independent agents,

but your children are
independent agencies.

As a parent,
you want to help them grow up right.

The children do not exist for me,
I exists for the children.

If the children are better off with me,
no matter what challenges I face,

I should keep the children with me.

If the children are better off
with a father or somebody else,

then no matter how pained you are,
how much you may miss your children,

you should let them go.

In other words, your children are
not your pet or your possessions.

They are independent agencies
that you are there in your role as parents

to help them grow
into independent adults.

So when you discuss custody and
discuss other issues related to divorce,

you're not putting the children
in the center.

You are negotiating
the rights of parents among each other.

I don't think that helps
with the children.

(Questioner) Actually, my question was,
should I be open with my kids

what happened in the past in Korea.

When I shared with my son,
he was struggling to know the truth.

So my question was, should I be open
and honest with my children

or, just like you said,
be a good parent and covering things up.

(Sunim) You insist what you said
what happened in the past

because when you left him that situation,
you're saying that's what happened

that's the truth of the situation.####

But even that is
just merely your perspective.

Because if you approach that story
from the perspective

that he is a bad person,
then you are already making a value judgment

and you are relaying that story
from a self centric perspective

That actually is worse
than not saying it all.

But if you can remove that emotion
or that value judgment from that story,

then I think you can be transparent
with your children about why you left.

I think your son was in shock
and had a hard time dealing with this

because the lesson learned
from that story

that your son got was that
his dad was a bad person.

If you feel like
your ex husband is a bad person,

he's no better than an animal obese,
then your child becomes a son of beast.

(Questioner) I'm sorry,
I don't understand and I don't agree.

(Sunim) Basically if you say
your ex is a bad person,

your children become
children of a bad person.

(Questioner) They're different.
My son is not my ex husband.

I mean Sims said if I describe my ex husband as a bad person, that means my son is the blood of my ex husband.

But I don't agree
because my children will blame me

because I left their father behind in Korea
and I brought them without him.

(Sunim) If you have no choice
but to tell your children

that their father was a bad person.

I think it's better not to say that
and say, "You are my children."

I don't know who the dad is.

I'll tell you about your dad
when you grow up

It is your choice.

(Questioner) My son got hurt
because two years ago we visited Korea

and my ex husband acted like
nothing happened.

He didn't even apologize
and that's why my son got really hurt.

I'm a survivor of domestic violence.

If I were still in Korea,
I would be died by him.

(Sunim) The fact that
your husband hits you,

it means that he is a criminal,
he's a violent criminal

He should be reported
and be forced to face justice.

But, nevertheless, even if he's in prison,
you should go see him

because he is still your husband.

(Questioner) I already did,
15 years ago in Korea.

But the police said it was a family matter,
so they didn't help me.

That's why I had to escape from there.

(Sunim) Whether it is your husband,
whether it's your parents,

whether it's even your own children,
if they lash out in violence,

that's a crime.
So they become criminals.

They may be criminals
but they're still your husband,

your parents or your children.

But if they are my relatives,
we tend to want to cover up

even their crimes.

And by doing so,
we harm the cause of social justice

and make a bad situation even worse.

So no matter who it is,
if they have gone against the law,

they should face justice.

But whatever crimes they committed,
they are still your husband,

your parents or your children.

My friend might have committed a crime,
he is a criminal now,

but he is still my friend.

That is a way for them,
after paying for their crimes,

to come back, rebuild their lives,
and be with their families again.

According to your perspective,
a person who has committed a crime once

should be shut out
from the society forever.

If your ex husband hit you, raped you
or committed other violence upon you,

then he should be facing the justice.

But just because he committed a crime
does not necessarily mean

you have to hate him.

That's why we can't solve this problem

because hatred is really self suffering.

That's why, even now,
you are still not free from that person.

You can truly only liberate yourself
from that person once you stop hating.

You might think
that your hatred is justified.

It is a wise reaction to have to
what you suffered,

but it is an action that actually brings
upon your own suffering.

(Questioner) Thank you.

(Sunim) Then you have no choice
but to continue to suffer.

Please, do you want to share
your experience?

(Audiance1) I heard that
she needs to think about the kids

because I have the same situation
when I get divorced,

and my kids were
2 and 8 years old at that time.

I constantly talked with my friends
telling them how bad was my ex husband,

but I didn't realize that
my kids hear everything

and they suffered too much.

But they didn't look like
they were suffering.

They were excellent kids,
they went to college, they have degrees.

But when my older son,
they started his family,
everything go down

And now, my both kids are
with psychiatrics

because they were with drugs,
alcohol at the adult age

because they were suffered
for all the words that they heard for me.

And I hope she realized
that this is important

that she need to stop
saying something bad about their parents

because the kids lost their self esteem
and destroyed their lives.

(Sunim) So I think you need
some more time,

maybe to be more self reflective
about your actions.

If you discover later on that
you have actually passed down

your own suffering to your children,
allow it to amplify itself

then you'll engage in regrets
at that time.

Just because you suffer doesn't mean
your children has to.

No matter what kind of suffeirng
you should handle it at your level

and prevent that
being passed down to your children.

But because we are all foolish,
we tend to inherit our parents' suffering

and then also pass that down to our children.