Sharing About My Experience of Domestic Violence

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#domestic_violence #ex-husband #hatred

Ven. Pomnyun's Answer to “Sharing About My Experience of Domestic Violence”
Selection from Casual Conversation with Ven. Pomnyun Sunim(법륜스님) (Sep. 20, 2024)

Question:
I moved to the U.S. with my children after experiencing domestic violence. My children are still in contact with my ex-husband, who lives in Korea. How much should I share with them?

<Sharing About My Experience
of Domestic Violence>

(Questioner) Good evening, Sunim.

By chance, I came across
your Dharma Q&A on YouTube,

and it brought a sense of relief
to my heart.

I realized that the worries
I had been carrying

were not as significant as I once thought.

Now, as a mother of three,
I feel a bit more at peace.

About 10 years ago,
I fled to the United States

to escape domestic violence
from my ex-husband.

I chose to marry him because
I had no surviving parents or siblings

and I longed to create a big family
of my own through marriage.

However, due to the domestic violence,
I ultimately had to end the relationship.

And now, I live in the United States.

Although I don't wish to maintain
contact with my children's father,

given that I have no family of my own,

I actively encourage my children to stay
connected with their father's family

as they are the only blood relatives
my children have.

Recently, I explained to my eldest child

why we had to leave for the United States
without their father.

After hearing this, my child has been
deeply disappointed in him

and struggled to understand how he could
act as if nothing had happened,

when we visited Korea two years ago,
without offering any apology.

It seems my child is upset
by this realization.

I'm wondering,
for the sake of my children,

whether I should continue to shield them
from the full truth.

Or is being open and honest
with my children the right decision?

I would appreciate your guidance.

(Sunim) Every child wants
their parents to be good people.

If you think your father is a bad person,
it affects your self esteem.

And if somebody else or a stranger,
criticized your dad,

you still have some excuse.

You can say
"You don't really know my dad."

But if my mother criticized my father,
then you can't escape

because my mother
would not tell me a lie.

In that sense, it becomes really clear
that my dad is not a good person.

On the other hand, imagine if the child
thinks that their mother is lying,

then the mother becomes a liar
in her own child's eyes,

and that makes her the bad person.

It can causes a psychological issue
and confusion among in the child,

if the mother and father
criticize each other.

Whether it is the husband and wife,
no one here is a bad person.

You each had your own issues.

There is no problem for you splitting up

because you chose him as your husband,
then you gave up on him as your husband.

I think it is better for you to explain
that you divorced him or you left him

not because he was a bad person,
it was because you could not deal

with the situation.

(Questioner) But he is a bad person.
(Audiance/Sumim Laughter)

(Sunim) If you think that
it's not a good effect on your children.

Then your child can't escape from the fact
that their dad is a bad person.

I mean they can accept the fact
that you guys separated as a couple

because you are incompatible.

That is different
from being a bad person.

The first questioner as well.

You can get divorced,
but at the same time,

you can maintain that respect
as co-parents of the same children.

Because your problem is
a problem between two adults.

It's not a problem for the children.

So, that responsibility
should remain with the adults.

It should not be handed down
to your children.

Perhaps you feel a sense of possessiveness
or ownership over your children

because they are your children.

May be you have
this subconscious perspective

that you think their father is bad,

therefore, your children
should also think their father is bad.

That means you are not recognizing
your children as independent agents.

But your children are
independent agencies.

As a parent,
you want to help them grow up right.

The children do not exist for me.

I exist for the children.

If the children are better off with me,
no matter what challenges I face,

I should keep the children with me.

If the children are better off
with a father or somebody else,

then no matter how pained you are,
how much you may miss your children,

you should let them go.

In other words, your children are
not your pet or your possessions.

They are independent agencies,
and you're there in your role as a parent

is to help them grow
into independent adults.

So, when you discuss custody and
other issues related to divorce,

you are not putting the children
in the centre.

You are negotiating
the rights of parents among each other.

I don't think that helps
with the children.

(Questioner) Actually, my question was,
should I be open with my kids

what happened in the past in Korea.

When I shared with my son,
he was struggling to know the truth.

So, my question was, should I be open
and honest with my children

or, just like you said,
be a good parent and covering things up.

(Sunim) You insist that
what you said about the past is true

that you left him in that situation is
the truth of the situation.

But even that is
just merely your perspective.

Because if you approach that story
from the perspective that

he is a bad person,
you are already making a value judgment

and you are relaying that story
from a self-centred perspective.

That is actually worse
than not saying anything at all.

But if you can remove that emotion
or that value judgment from that story,

then I think you can be transparent
with your children about why you left.

I think your son was in shock
and had a hard time dealing with this

because the lesson he learned
from that story was

that his dad was a bad person.

If you feel like your ex-husband is
a bad person, no better than an animal,

then your child becomes
the son of a beast.

(Questioner) I'm sorry,
I don't understand and I don't agree.

(Sunim) Basically if you say
your ex is a bad person,

your children become
children of a bad person.

(Questioner) They are different.
My son is not my ex-husband.

I mean Sunim said if I describe
my ex-husband as a bad person,

that means my son is
the blood of my ex-husband, right?

But I don't agree,
because my children will blame me

for leaving their father behind in Korea
and I brought them without him.

(Sunim) If you have no choice
but to tell your children

that their father was a bad person.

I think it is better not to say that.

And say, "You are my children."

"I don't know who the dad is."

"I will tell you about your dad
when you grow up"

It is your choice.

(Questioner) My son got hurt,
two years ago, when we visited Korea

and my ex-husband acted like
nothing had happened.

He didn't even apologize
and that's why my son got really hurt.

I'm a survivor of domestic violence.

If I were still in Korea,
I would be died by him.

(Sunim) The fact that
your husband hits you,

it means that he is a criminal,
he is a violent criminal.

He should be reported
and be forced to face justice.

But, nevertheless, even if he's in prison,
you should go see him

because he is still your husband.

(Questioner) I already did,
15 years ago in Korea.

But the police said
it was a family matter,

so they didn't help me.
That's why I had to escape from there.

(Sunim) Whether it is your husband,
whether it is your parents,

whether it is even your own children,
if they lash out in violence,

that is a crime.
So, they become criminals.

They may be criminals
but they are still your husband,

your parents or your children.

But if they are my relatives, we tend
to want to cover up even their crimes.

And by doing so,
we harm the cause of social justice

and make a bad situation even worse.

So, no matter who it is,
if they have gone against the law,

they should face justice.

But whatever crimes they committed,
they are still your husband,

your parents or your children.

My friend might have committed a crime,
he is a criminal now,

but he is still my friend.

That is the way for them,
after paying for their crimes,

to come back, rebuild their lives,
and be with their families again.

According to your perspective,
a person who has committed a crime once

should be shut out
from the society forever.

If your ex-husband hit you, raped you
or committed other violence upon you,

then he should be facing the justice.

But just because he committed a crime
does not necessarily mean

you have to hate him.

That is why we can't solve this problem

because hatred is really self suffering.

That is why, even now,
you are still not free from that person.

You can truly only liberate yourself
from that person once you stop hating.

You might think
that your hatred is justified.

It is a wise reaction to have to
what you suffered,

but it is an action that actually brings
upon your own suffering.

(Questioner) Thank you.

(Sunim) Then you have no choice
but to continue to suffer.

Please, do you want to share
your experience?

(Audiance1) I heard that
she needs to think about the kids.

Because I had the same situation
when I got divorced.

My children were
2 and 8 years old at that time.

I constantly talked with my friends
telling them how bad my ex-husband was,

but I didn't realize that
my kids hear everything

and they suffered too much.

But they didn't look like
they were suffering.

They were excellent kids,
they went to college and have degrees.

But when my older son started his family,
everything went down.

And now, my both kids are
with psychiatrics

because they were with drugs and alcohol
at the adult age.

All because they were suffered
by the words they heard from me.

And I hope she realized
that this is important.

She need to stop saying something bad
about their parents

because the kids lost their self esteem
and destroy their lives.

(Sunim) I think you need some more time,
maybe to be more self reflective

about your actions.

If you discover later on that
you've actually passed your own suffering

down to your children
and allowed it to amplify itself,

you will be left with deep regrets
at that time.

Just because you suffer
doesn't mean your children have to.

No matter what kind of suffering
you face,

you should handle it at your level

and prevent it from being passed down
to your children.

But because we are all foolish,
we tend to inherit our parents' suffering

and then pass that down
to our own children.