The Undertaking (full documentary) | FRONTLINE

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Thomas Lynch is a writer and a poet.

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"They die around the clock here

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without apparent preference for a day or the week.

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There is no clear favorite in the way of seasons."

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He's also the funeral director

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in a small town in central Michigan.

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A good funeral is one that gets the dead

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where they need to go and the living where they need to be.

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Lynch's award-winning book, "The Undertaking,"

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is a portrait of a life spent in the presence of the dead.

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So much of what we do is held up to ridicule,

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but it's just how you blur your eyes,

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whether you want to see the silliness of what we humans do

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when someone dies, or if you look at it carefully

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and see in it something deeply sublime.

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Tonight on Frontline, behind the scenes

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at a funeral home as an undertaker and his family care

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for both the living and the dead.

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"Every year, I bury a couple hundred of my townspeople.

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Another two or three dozen I take to the crematory

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to be burned.

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I sell caskets, burial vaults, and urns for the ashes.

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I have a sideline in headstones and monuments.

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I do flowers on commission.

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Apart from the tangibles, I sell the use of my building—

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11,000 square feet furnished and fixtured

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with an abundance of pastel and chair rail and crown moldings.

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The whole lash-up is mortgaged and re-mortgaged

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well into the next century.

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My rolling stock includes a hearse, two Fleet woods

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and a minivan with darkened windows our price list calls

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a service vehicle and everyone in town calls the "Dead Wagon."

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I am the only undertaker in this town.

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I have a corner on the market."

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I think we have, in some
ways, become estranged

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about death and the dead.

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We're among the first couple generations

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for whom the presence of the dead

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at their own funerals has become optional.

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We saw people start organizing

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sort of these commemorative events

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to which everyone was invited but the dead guy.

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And I see that as probably not good news

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for the culture at large.

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Up until a couple generations ago, humans dealt with death

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by dealing with their dead,

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so that the way we processed mortality was by processing

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from one place to the other, and both the dead and the living

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have some distance to go when someone we love dies.

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( piano music in background )

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Well, my father was a funeral director.

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Two of my brothers and I are funeral directors.

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Our brother-in-law is a funeral director.

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Five of our nieces and nephews are funeral directors.

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And my son, Paddy, is entering mortuary school

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in the next few months.

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I assist him in any way he needs me—

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getting cars lined up, helping him in church,

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directing people herein the funeral home,

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setting up flowers, helping to dress and casket bodies,

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and really just sort of a go-fer.

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My family is one of the largest family-owned

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and operated funeral homes in the state of Michigan;

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in the U.S., for that matter.

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Good morning.

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Thank you for coming to commemorate the life of Bob.

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The way I hear it put is that

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"Your dad works with dead people."

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And I always knew it to be quite the opposite to that,

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that my dad worked with living people.

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We are the first ones to respond

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and we are the last ones to leave.

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We are there from the beginning of the death process to the end.

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( church bells ringing )

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"Our thing—who we are, what we do—

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has always been about death and dying and grief and bereavement.

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We traffic in leave-takings, good-byes, final respects.

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It's an odd arithmetic—a kind of family farm,

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working the back 40 of the emotional register,

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our livelihoods depending on the deaths of others

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in the way that medicos depend on sickness

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and lawyers on crime and clergy on the fear of God."

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(telephone ringing)

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Lynch and Sons.

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Rachel Fowler speaking.

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Is this the spinal column?

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We'd like to order very much a… more of a casket scarf,

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rather than a casket spray.

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So, an abbreviated piece as we've ordered in the past.

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And they'd like to use red and white carnations

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and include a lot of greens

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and different types of leaves and things.

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Make it very masculine.

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You'll see some of the caskets

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will have a different stain to them.

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A lot of times with the poplar caskets…

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My mother had a little stroke about a month ago

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and, of course, those things make you think more

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about what is going to happen,

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and how you're going to arrange it,

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so I began to think more seriously about it.

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…something like the pieta copper

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and something like the Newport stainless steel casket…

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She doesn't want water to be inside her casket.

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So, if she's buried in the ground and, you know,

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it's a wet season of the year, she wants to stay dry.

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She wanted a metal casket, and she has always talked

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about having it sealed and having the vault.

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And these are things, you know, that I do know that she wants.

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Underneath this here is an actual gasket here,

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and it locks with a key.

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So, it seals?

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It will seal, yeah.

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And it does,it provides protection.

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I could jot that down and we could always make changes to it.

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Yes, we can always change it.

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Of course, of course.

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Why don't you do that.

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I would like that, I think.

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For her that would be nice, I think.

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And that shows virtually every place

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that it could be done.

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We were thinking horizontal, though.

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Right.

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That one.

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It can go right across the top.

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Right across this bar.

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That'd be beautiful, Bob.

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Because people can read it better.

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Well, especially in the winter, you know?

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If it's down at the bottom and we get one

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of our Michigan snowfalls, you know, it could be covered.

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The name could be covered when it's way down low like that.

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I saw so many times when death would occur

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and no plans had been made.

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And we discussed it from time to time,

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and finally decided on what we wanted.

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…and show you the draft of the obituary

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for both you and Jean.

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Yours would read this way: "Robert Kelly was born

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on March the 10th, 1922,in El Reno, Oklahoma.

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He was the fifth of six children…"

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I know exactly what they're going to do—

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one visitation, a Mass, a cremation, burial, side by side.

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"…discharged in 1946,

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and that same year married Jean Marie Larsen.

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Mr. Kelly has been a…"

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Once the decision was made and we had that…

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we knew it was taken care of,

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that our sons would not have to sit

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and answer all those questions, we felt better.

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We felt relieved.

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It was just so complete, totally out of our hands,

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doing what we wanted.

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It'll be "Kelly" across there.

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Let me ask you first, Anthony, do you…

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is Anthony his middle name?

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He's Anthony John.

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Anthony John.

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Anthony John.

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And I'm spelling your last name V-E-double-R-I-N-O.

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Yeah, that's correct.

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Is he a junior or is he a second or…

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He's not a technical…yeah, he's himself.

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He's one of a kind.

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He has no middle name.

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So, that makes him not a junior.

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And his date of birth is November the…

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18th.

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Two thousand and…

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Four.

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Four.

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Tim told me that you were a good friend of Father Meagher.

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Am I… do I have that right?

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Yeah, Father Tom, yeah.

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Is he aware of what's going on with you guys?

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Mm-hmm, he actually…he spoke to my mom this morning.

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So, he hears, you know, there's always that social connection,

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one way or another, but he said to my mom,

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"I heard that the baby's not doing so well,"

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and he wanted… he said, you know, "Keep me informed."

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Yeah, talk to Father Tom about this,

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but my guess is he's going to encourage you

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to bring your family and friends and your boy into church.

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And then… then the other question would be whether,

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after the Mass you would plan on having a burial or a cremation.

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And I think a lot of people…you know, we tend to think

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about these as sort of like options like any other option,

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until it comes right down to these difficult decisions,

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and then we say, "What is right for our boy?" you know.

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Yeah.

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It's been… we've been able to talk about a lot of things

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and make some, you know, good decisions together

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on a lot of, you know, on everything.

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But this one's been…we've talked about

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and we both have similar feelings on different ways,

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but I don't know if it's because we're just not…

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it's not, you know… it's just hard to finalize that decision.

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It hasn't happened.

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And you needn't, you needn't.

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You know, so….

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And there again you'll want to look to your son

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to guide you through this.

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When the time comes, you'll know what to do, I promise you.

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You'll know what to do.

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This is Anthony, our son, who is 24 months old.

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And he is not a baby who communicates

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in any sort of normal, expected way.

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He doesn't see, he doesn't make noises or cry

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unless he's having seizures.

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But he just has a… this just overwhelming presence for us,

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and I know he feels…I know that he feels loved.

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And he's just such a big person, you know,

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in this small, broken body, so…

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Some folks in my family, when he was going through

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some of the harder times, well, why…

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we still get the question,

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"Well, why isn't he…why isn't he eating?"

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And my answer is,"Because he's dying."

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You know, and…because he's dying.

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He was born early, at almost 32 weeks.

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And they weren't sure why he came premature,

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because our pregnancy was very normal,

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but they were sure that he had many severe problems

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and that his prognosis itself was really bleak.

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We knew he had major heart problems,

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we knew he had major issues with his brain.

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And at 18 months, we had a diagnosis,

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which was a really rare genetic syndrome called C.F.C. syndrome.

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It's… it's such a…it seems so sinister

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when you're talking about a child dying.

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You know, it just seems wrong.

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And so you want to…

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people feel more comfortable remaining hopeful.

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"Oh, well, he just might get better,"

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or "you know, maybe this new medicine will work,"

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or "Maybe when he turns two."

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There's always, like, this hopeful future

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and we could… we would a lot of times have to say those…

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speak that with other people and then come home

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and feel… feel different,

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feel like that's really what wasn't going on.

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We talked a little bit last time… last week

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about what it might look like if Anthony continues this decline.

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Yeah.

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So, it would be where he's very dusky,

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where his hands and his arms become very dark

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and discolored and cold…

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When we're… when we're planning ahead,

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it might even be in some ways a survival mechanism

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because for us it gives us, like, steps and procedures

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of how to do something.

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I don't think we can
really imagine how we'll feel

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when he's gone.

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I've spent two years with a very sick baby,

256
00:14:44,316 --> 00:14:47,953
who from his birth has had significant problems

257
00:14:47,953 --> 00:14:51,757
and whose prognosis has never been bright.

258
00:14:51,757 --> 00:14:54,526
And every time we found something else out

259
00:14:54,526 --> 00:14:56,161
from the doctors, it was always,like, one more thing

260
00:14:56,161 --> 00:14:58,463
that was worse.

261
00:14:58,463 --> 00:15:01,066
And so even having that whole experience,

262
00:15:01,066 --> 00:15:04,603
when I sit and think about the day waking up when he's gone,

263
00:15:04,603 --> 00:15:12,778
I can't… I can't prepare for that completely, you know?

264
00:15:12,778 --> 00:15:16,882
But it gives us steps, things, I guess, traditions

265
00:15:16,882 --> 00:15:20,218
or something that we follow that maybe will help us survive

266
00:15:20,218 --> 00:15:24,023
in finding a way to honor him.

267
00:15:27,092 --> 00:15:29,561
There you go.

268
00:15:29,561 --> 00:15:32,231
You're all right.

269
00:15:32,231 --> 00:15:38,270
You're all right.

270
00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:40,038
You're all right.

271
00:15:40,038 --> 00:15:42,140
Hmm?

272
00:15:42,140 --> 00:15:44,576
Can you hear your mom?

273
00:15:44,576 --> 00:15:46,512
Can you hear your mom?

274
00:15:59,791 --> 00:16:02,327
"Watching my parents, I watched the meaning change

275
00:16:02,327 --> 00:16:05,698
of what it is that undertakers do:

276
00:16:05,698 --> 00:16:07,533
from something done with the dead

277
00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:10,035
to something done for the living,

278
00:16:10,035 --> 00:16:16,741
to something done by the living, every one of us.

279
00:16:16,741 --> 00:16:20,112
Thus, undertakings are the things we do to vest

280
00:16:20,112 --> 00:16:24,049
the lives we lead against the cold, the meaningless, the void,

281
00:16:24,049 --> 00:16:27,252
the noisy blather and the blinding dark.

282
00:16:27,252 --> 00:16:31,423
It is the voice we give to wonderment, to pain,

283
00:16:31,423 --> 00:16:34,059
to love and desire, anger and outrage;

284
00:16:34,059 --> 00:16:38,797
the words that we shape into song and prayer.

285
00:16:38,797 --> 00:16:41,233
Which undertaking is it then that does not seek

286
00:16:41,233 --> 00:16:44,370
to make some sense of life and living, dying and the dead?"

287
00:16:47,506 --> 00:16:48,741
Hi, Anne.

288
00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:50,141
Hi.

289
00:16:50,141 --> 00:16:51,276
Tom Lynch is here.

290
00:16:51,276 --> 00:16:52,211
Oh, hello.

291
00:16:52,211 --> 00:16:53,211
I'm Tom.

292
00:16:53,211 --> 00:16:54,245
Nice to meet you.

293
00:16:54,245 --> 00:16:55,514
Nice to meet you.

294
00:16:55,514 --> 00:16:56,681
This is your aunt?

295
00:16:56,681 --> 00:17:00,452
This is my aunt.

296
00:17:00,452 --> 00:17:01,386
Is that Mrs. Leonard?

297
00:17:01,386 --> 00:17:02,421
Or Ms. Leonard?

298
00:17:02,421 --> 00:17:03,422
Ms. Leonard.

299
00:17:03,422 --> 00:17:05,056
I'm Tom Lynch.

300
00:17:05,056 --> 00:17:07,159
I'm pleased to meet you.

301
00:17:07,159 --> 00:17:08,526
I'm going to sit down here and chat with you

302
00:17:08,526 --> 00:17:10,028
for a little bit, okay?

303
00:17:10,028 --> 00:17:14,266
Oh, please do.

304
00:17:14,266 --> 00:17:20,372
Aunt Mary, Mr. Lynch would like to talk with you and I

305
00:17:20,372 --> 00:17:23,909
about what you would like to have…

306
00:17:23,909 --> 00:17:29,047
about funeral arrangements and death preparation.

307
00:17:29,047 --> 00:17:32,084
Can you… would you like to speak with him about that?

308
00:17:32,084 --> 00:17:35,220
Oh, yes.

309
00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:38,490
Mary was getting progressively worse.

310
00:17:38,490 --> 00:17:40,825
She wanted very much to remain independent,

311
00:17:40,825 --> 00:17:42,827
but it came to a point she realized

312
00:17:42,827 --> 00:17:47,499
she really couldn't be on her own.

313
00:17:47,499 --> 00:17:50,202
She was diagnosed with lung cancer,

314
00:17:50,202 --> 00:17:52,571
and within a couple of weeks,

315
00:17:52,571 --> 00:17:57,776
she checked herself into hospice.

316
00:17:57,776 --> 00:18:02,247
I don't know why she was so direct with death and dying.

317
00:18:02,247 --> 00:18:05,817
She was not a woman of faith;

318
00:18:05,817 --> 00:18:09,154
she searched for it, but she hadn't found it.

319
00:18:09,154 --> 00:18:12,724
She felt she'd lived a very good life.

320
00:18:12,724 --> 00:18:18,197
And she spoke openly of it.

321
00:18:18,197 --> 00:18:21,399
Cremation is what you've chosen.

322
00:18:21,399 --> 00:18:23,601
Cremation?

323
00:18:23,601 --> 00:18:26,838
Aunt Mary, would you like to be cremated?

324
00:18:26,838 --> 00:18:28,607
Yes.

325
00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:30,809
I think the main thing is…

326
00:18:30,809 --> 00:18:33,745
Having her not be frightened made it so much easier

327
00:18:33,745 --> 00:18:39,217
to be there for her, to talk about it.

328
00:18:39,217 --> 00:18:42,920
Death is not always something easy to discuss,

329
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:48,193
but she was so open about it, it became comfortable.

330
00:18:48,193 --> 00:18:49,761
Just comfortable.

331
00:18:55,634 --> 00:18:58,003
Do you know what's ahead for you, Mary?

332
00:18:58,003 --> 00:19:00,772
No.

333
00:19:00,772 --> 00:19:05,244
No, I have no idea.

334
00:19:05,244 --> 00:19:09,380
And that's kind of interesting.

335
00:19:09,380 --> 00:19:11,717
What do you mean?

336
00:19:21,293 --> 00:19:23,662
Well, what is going to come?

337
00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:25,463
What will happen?

338
00:19:25,463 --> 00:19:30,368
What is the next picture?

339
00:19:30,368 --> 00:19:31,803
I don't know.

340
00:19:31,803 --> 00:19:35,774
I can't… can't even guess.

341
00:19:49,655 --> 00:19:51,122
What time do you have class?

342
00:19:51,122 --> 00:19:52,491
5:30.

343
00:19:52,491 --> 00:19:53,625
Until 10:00?

344
00:19:53,625 --> 00:19:56,628
Mm-hmm.

345
00:19:56,628 --> 00:19:58,196
And that's
what, chemistry or bio?

346
00:19:58,196 --> 00:20:00,732
Bio.

347
00:20:00,732 --> 00:20:02,267
Do you have lab?

348
00:20:02,267 --> 00:20:04,035
Yeah, 7:00 to 10:00.

349
00:20:04,035 --> 00:20:08,039
And then tomorrow, I've got 10:00 to 3:00.

350
00:20:08,039 --> 00:20:10,342
And so you could come in tomorrow evening

351
00:20:10,342 --> 00:20:12,543
if we need help on that visitation for the King family?

352
00:20:12,543 --> 00:20:13,478
Mm-hmm.

353
00:20:13,478 --> 00:20:14,179
Good.

354
00:20:24,523 --> 00:20:26,958
I have memories as a very little boy being brought

355
00:20:26,958 --> 00:20:30,662
over here with my father while he was working,

356
00:20:30,662 --> 00:20:34,032
and watching him and his colleagues

357
00:20:34,032 --> 00:20:37,469
dress and casket bodies, you know, very quietly,

358
00:20:37,469 --> 00:20:41,739
very reverently, doing something for someone

359
00:20:41,739 --> 00:20:47,345
that could no longer do anything for themselves.

360
00:20:47,345 --> 00:20:49,281
And even at a young age, before I could articulate

361
00:20:49,281 --> 00:20:52,317
the importance of that kind of work,

362
00:20:52,317 --> 00:20:55,687
I recognized it as something very significant and essential.

363
00:22:24,709 --> 00:22:29,081
My father was ill for a relatively short period of time.

364
00:22:29,081 --> 00:22:32,550
His cancer was diagnosed fairly late.

365
00:22:32,550 --> 00:22:39,323
So, he was healthy and out doing yard work in the summer,

366
00:22:39,323 --> 00:22:45,797
and in hospice and very sick by the new year.

367
00:22:45,797 --> 00:22:48,600
So, it was a fairly quick progression.

368
00:22:54,639 --> 00:22:58,243
My dad was nota real open person.

369
00:22:58,243 --> 00:23:01,713
Through a lot of the illness,

370
00:23:01,713 --> 00:23:04,182
there wasn't a lot of talking about it directly.

371
00:23:04,182 --> 00:23:08,486
But as he became very sick

372
00:23:08,486 --> 00:23:11,555
and was coming to
terms with it internally,

373
00:23:11,555 --> 00:23:13,492
he did start to talk about it more.

374
00:23:18,697 --> 00:23:24,802
He would make comments about him not being afraid of dying,

375
00:23:24,802 --> 00:23:28,573
not being afraid of death, but being tired of the illness

376
00:23:28,573 --> 00:23:30,409
and wanting it to be over with.

377
00:23:43,221 --> 00:23:48,559
I was surprised by how important some of the details become--

378
00:23:48,559 --> 00:23:53,297
having things look right and, you know, having a nice suit on

379
00:23:53,297 --> 00:23:55,133
or a nice sport coat on.

380
00:23:59,603 --> 00:24:01,973
My dad hadn't been wearing anything

381
00:24:01,973 --> 00:24:06,645
but hospital gowns and sweatpants for months

382
00:24:06,645 --> 00:24:11,616
at that point, and to be able to see him looking like himself,

383
00:24:11,616 --> 00:24:15,320
and… you know, with a coat and tie on,

384
00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:17,622
ended up being a real comfort.

385
00:24:33,237 --> 00:24:37,742
I think being in the presence of someone dying

386
00:24:37,742 --> 00:24:43,481
and… and losing someone, having someone die that you know

387
00:24:43,481 --> 00:24:46,685
is always more than you think it's going to be.

388
00:24:46,685 --> 00:24:49,487
It's just the most sort of immediate and real experience

389
00:24:49,487 --> 00:24:52,890
that you can have.

390
00:24:52,890 --> 00:24:54,559
In the case of my father,

391
00:24:54,559 --> 00:24:57,028
we knew his illness was progressing

392
00:24:57,028 --> 00:25:00,865
and we knew he was dying, but when it happens,

393
00:25:00,865 --> 00:25:05,804
it's a reality that you're not prepared for until it comes.

394
00:25:22,254 --> 00:25:24,989
I view the viewing of the dead

395
00:25:24,989 --> 00:25:28,460
as one of the most fundamental aspects of acknowledging grief.

396
00:25:28,460 --> 00:25:32,697
Reality can no longer be denied;

397
00:25:32,697 --> 00:25:37,402
the death is literally staring them in the face.

398
00:25:37,402 --> 00:25:40,438
When my mother died at age 65

399
00:25:40,438 --> 00:25:42,640
and my father came into our funeral home

400
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:45,243
and, for the first time, stood at the casket

401
00:25:45,243 --> 00:25:51,383
of his wife of over 40 years, his sweetheart since childhood,

402
00:25:51,383 --> 00:25:54,018
he turned to us and he said, "For over 40 years,

403
00:25:54,018 --> 00:25:57,122
I've been telling people how important this is,

404
00:25:57,122 --> 00:26:00,057
this moment when we see our dead,

405
00:26:00,057 --> 00:26:04,829
but I never fully appreciated it until right now."

406
00:26:04,829 --> 00:26:08,700
And seeing my mother dead and seeing my father dead,

407
00:26:08,700 --> 00:26:13,671
I believe that's absolutely true; that we can imagine it,

408
00:26:13,671 --> 00:26:15,740
but to experience it is an entirely different thing.

409
00:26:21,779 --> 00:26:25,783
We've set aside this hour to remember and to celebrate

410
00:26:25,783 --> 00:26:28,519
the worth and the meaning and the significance of the life

411
00:26:28,519 --> 00:26:31,489
of Dennis Arthur King,

412
00:26:31,489 --> 00:26:33,057
for never did anyone touch the lives of so…

413
00:26:33,057 --> 00:26:36,761
"Where death means nothing, life is meaningless.

414
00:26:36,761 --> 00:26:41,265
Just as we declare the living alive through baptisms

415
00:26:41,265 --> 00:26:44,636
and lovers in love by nuptials, funerals are the way

416
00:26:44,636 --> 00:26:47,572
we close the gap between the death that happens

417
00:26:47,572 --> 00:26:51,042
and the death that matters.

418
00:26:51,042 --> 00:26:55,914
It's how we assign meaning to our remarkable histories.

419
00:26:55,914 --> 00:26:59,250
And the rituals we devise to conduct the living and beloved

420
00:26:59,250 --> 00:27:02,753
and the dead from one status to another have less to do

421
00:27:02,753 --> 00:27:05,523
with performance than with meaning."

422
00:27:12,663 --> 00:27:14,132
We encourage people to take as much time as they need

423
00:27:14,132 --> 00:27:16,600
with their dead.

424
00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:20,338
To see them, wake them, carry them

425
00:27:20,338 --> 00:27:23,842
to their final resting place--

426
00:27:23,842 --> 00:27:28,580
whether it be cremating the body or burying it,

427
00:27:28,580 --> 00:27:31,516
to see it sort of in its final phase.

428
00:27:36,054 --> 00:27:40,157
We'll just guide the casket right onto the…

429
00:27:40,157 --> 00:27:43,928
I view cremation as an alternative to burial

430
00:27:43,928 --> 00:27:51,970
or entombment, as opposed to an alternative to a funeral.

431
00:27:51,970 --> 00:27:54,472
But many people don't know that they can go

432
00:27:54,472 --> 00:27:57,141
and that they can bear witness to that placement

433
00:27:57,141 --> 00:28:02,079
of their loved one into that retort, into that crematory.

434
00:28:02,079 --> 00:28:07,585
( machine whirring )

435
00:28:16,361 --> 00:28:17,462
Push it in all the way, fellas.

436
00:28:17,462 --> 00:28:22,934
You're welcome to.

437
00:28:22,934 --> 00:28:25,203
Almost everybody can remember some time

438
00:28:25,203 --> 00:28:28,773
in their youth or childhood or adulthood having been present

439
00:28:28,773 --> 00:28:30,842
for the burial of someone in their family

440
00:28:30,842 --> 00:28:33,110
or someone in their circle of friends.

441
00:28:33,110 --> 00:28:37,215
But if you ask any group of ordinary citizens,

442
00:28:37,215 --> 00:28:40,918
"How many here have attended a cremation?"

443
00:28:40,918 --> 00:28:47,125
there are very few hands raised in the room.

444
00:28:47,125 --> 00:28:50,895
But there's no question that cremation has become normative

445
00:28:50,895 --> 00:28:52,030
in a way that it used to be exceptional.

446
00:29:39,610 --> 00:29:41,345
When I die, I've told my wife I don't care.

447
00:29:41,345 --> 00:29:45,350
I don't.

448
00:29:45,350 --> 00:29:47,251
I have nothing against cremation,

449
00:29:47,251 --> 00:29:50,154
I have nothing against burial.

450
00:29:50,154 --> 00:29:52,423
I guess maybe that's…being in the business,

451
00:29:52,423 --> 00:29:56,460
it's… to me, it's just a vehicle

452
00:29:56,460 --> 00:29:58,863
you're putting in the ground; the person's not there.

453
00:30:05,236 --> 00:30:08,939
We allow families to be as involved in the burial process

454
00:30:08,939 --> 00:30:13,111
as they would like to be.

455
00:30:13,111 --> 00:30:18,716
It's something about being there and shoveling the dirt

456
00:30:18,716 --> 00:30:23,121
even on your loved one that gives you a sense of peace.

457
00:30:32,730 --> 00:30:34,198
When you see it lowering in the ground,

458
00:30:34,198 --> 00:30:37,868
you realize that there's no turning back,

459
00:30:37,868 --> 00:30:40,572
you'll never see that person in this lifetime again.

460
00:30:49,981 --> 00:30:51,583
(birds chirping)

461
00:30:58,222 --> 00:31:00,324
If you walk around the cemetery, you know,

462
00:31:00,324 --> 00:31:03,961
you see the families that were original settlers of the area

463
00:31:03,961 --> 00:31:05,896
and just kind of travel through time with these families.

464
00:31:05,896 --> 00:31:07,798
You see who married who

465
00:31:07,798 --> 00:31:11,069
and women who lost three or four children,

466
00:31:11,069 --> 00:31:16,741
women who died in childbirth, just all of these histories

467
00:31:16,741 --> 00:31:18,610
that are kind of documented there

468
00:31:18,610 --> 00:31:21,112
and underneath the oak trees

469
00:31:21,112 --> 00:31:24,215
and… it is…it's a beautiful place.

470
00:31:24,215 --> 00:31:28,720
I do go there sometimes.

471
00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:30,254
He thinks it's a little creepy.

472
00:31:30,254 --> 00:31:33,290
It's a little creepy.

473
00:31:33,290 --> 00:31:34,926
Not the cemetery itself, but the idea of just going,

474
00:31:34,926 --> 00:31:36,961
walking through a cemetery for a reason

475
00:31:36,961 --> 00:31:39,396
other than to bury someone.

476
00:31:39,396 --> 00:31:45,269
But I like to see the history and I feel some sort of

477
00:31:45,269 --> 00:31:47,438
almost kinship with these women who have buried these children.

478
00:31:47,438 --> 00:31:49,340
You know, you see those tiny little tombstones

479
00:31:49,340 --> 00:31:52,043
and you see these stories,

480
00:31:52,043 --> 00:31:54,578
and then we have this story ourselves, you know?

481
00:31:54,578 --> 00:32:00,251
And it's, in some ways, kind of comforting or something.

482
00:32:00,251 --> 00:32:02,553
I don't know why, but just to feel like we're a part

483
00:32:02,553 --> 00:32:06,257
of this history and that others have gone through it.

484
00:32:06,257 --> 00:32:10,161
And we're just one more family, you know, with our own child

485
00:32:10,161 --> 00:32:16,301
and our own grief and also our own will to survive,

486
00:32:16,301 --> 00:32:20,571
because we have to go on without him.

487
00:32:20,571 --> 00:32:24,141
You know, he will be gone and our story will continue,

488
00:32:24,141 --> 00:32:25,843
just like those other families, you know?

489
00:32:36,320 --> 00:32:38,756
Oh, baby.

490
00:32:38,756 --> 00:32:40,224
Ready?

491
00:32:40,224 --> 00:32:41,725
Huh?

492
00:32:41,725 --> 00:32:44,195
Ready to sleep, huh?

493
00:32:48,065 --> 00:32:50,835
"I remember in those first years as a father

494
00:32:50,835 --> 00:32:53,270
and a funeral director, new at making babies

495
00:32:53,270 --> 00:32:55,939
and at burying them, I would often wake

496
00:32:55,939 --> 00:32:59,476
in the middle of the night, sneak into the rooms

497
00:32:59,476 --> 00:33:02,646
where my sons and daughter slept and bend to their crib sides

498
00:33:02,646 --> 00:33:05,883
to hear them breathe.

499
00:33:05,883 --> 00:33:11,222
Like my father,I had learned to fear.

500
00:33:11,222 --> 00:33:13,891
And as my children grew, so, too, the bodies

501
00:33:13,891 --> 00:33:18,696
of dead boys and girls I was called upon to bury.

502
00:33:18,696 --> 00:33:20,297
I would not keep in stock

503
00:33:20,297 --> 00:33:22,699
an inventory of children's caskets;

504
00:33:22,699 --> 00:33:24,902
I'd order them, as the need arose,

505
00:33:24,902 --> 00:33:30,174
in sizes and half sizes from two foot to 5'6",

506
00:33:30,174 --> 00:33:33,110
often estimating the size of a dead child

507
00:33:33,110 --> 00:33:36,714
not yet released from the county morgue,

508
00:33:36,714 --> 00:33:42,053
by the sizes of my own children, safe and thriving and alive.

509
00:33:42,053 --> 00:33:46,290
And the caskets I ordered were invariably 'Purity in Gold'

510
00:33:46,290 --> 00:33:49,593
with angels on the corners and sheared crepe interiors

511
00:33:49,593 --> 00:33:52,663
of powdery pink or baby blue.

512
00:33:52,663 --> 00:33:55,699
And I would never charge more than the wholesale cost

513
00:33:55,699 --> 00:33:59,570
of the casket and throw in our services free of charge

514
00:33:59,570 --> 00:34:02,507
with the hope in my heart that God would, in turn,

515
00:34:02,507 --> 00:34:04,942
spare me the hollowing grief of these parents."

516
00:34:09,112 --> 00:34:16,988
( telephone ringing )

517
00:34:16,988 --> 00:34:21,926
Lynch & Sons, Sean Lynch speaking.

518
00:34:21,926 --> 00:34:26,230
Hi, Anne Patrice.

519
00:34:26,230 --> 00:34:29,100
Okay, everyone's taken the time that they need?

520
00:34:29,100 --> 00:34:30,334
Good.

521
00:34:30,334 --> 00:34:32,103
Okay.

522
00:34:32,103 --> 00:34:33,470
We'll make our way over there shortly.

523
00:34:33,470 --> 00:34:36,406
Is there any concerns or questions that you have

524
00:34:36,406 --> 00:34:38,242
or that any of the family has before we make our way?

525
00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:45,883
Of course.

526
00:34:45,883 --> 00:34:47,718
We are, you know, just a short distance from you,

527
00:34:47,718 --> 00:34:49,854
so we should be over momentarily.

528
00:34:49,854 --> 00:34:52,823
And we'll see you in a bit, okay?

529
00:34:52,823 --> 00:34:53,624
You're welcome.

530
00:34:53,624 --> 00:34:56,927
Bye-bye.

531
00:34:56,927 --> 00:35:00,965
They're ready.

532
00:35:00,965 --> 00:35:04,301
Tim, they are going to plan to use the casket

533
00:35:04,301 --> 00:35:07,204
that they had made,so they'll have blankets

534
00:35:07,204 --> 00:35:09,473
and they will… they're going to have a couple of things

535
00:35:09,473 --> 00:35:11,175
to place with him.

536
00:35:11,175 --> 00:35:12,777
Let's not use the cot, then.

537
00:35:12,777 --> 00:35:14,245
Okay, we'll just leave it here.

538
00:35:14,245 --> 00:35:14,678
I'll put that jump seat up a little higher.

539
00:35:14,678 --> 00:35:15,379
Okay.

540
00:36:09,666 --> 00:36:10,734
When people are trying to tell you what happened

541
00:36:10,734 --> 00:36:13,437
about someone dying,

542
00:36:13,437 --> 00:36:14,972
what they're giving you is a narrative.

543
00:36:14,972 --> 00:36:17,441
They're telling you their story.

544
00:36:17,441 --> 00:36:21,211
And I notice this about grieving people,

545
00:36:21,211 --> 00:36:25,349
that the story takes on sort of a repetitious,

546
00:36:25,349 --> 00:36:29,353
rote characteristic as if it was, you know, like a prayer.

547
00:36:29,353 --> 00:36:33,257
"He woke up in the middle of the night.

548
00:36:33,257 --> 00:36:36,059
He asked for a glass of water.

549
00:36:36,059 --> 00:36:39,329
I brought it to him.

550
00:36:39,329 --> 00:36:43,267
He took a sip and then there was this heave, and he was gone."

551
00:36:48,071 --> 00:36:52,109
I woke up to a sound.

552
00:36:52,109 --> 00:36:55,712
I could see him clearly 'cause the moon was out,

553
00:36:55,712 --> 00:36:57,114
and when I looked at him,

554
00:36:57,114 --> 00:37:00,784
I could see that his breathing slowed,

555
00:37:00,784 --> 00:37:04,989
and I watched him take his last three breaths.

556
00:37:04,989 --> 00:37:10,361
And the hard part is—I don't know,

557
00:37:10,361 --> 00:37:14,698
maybe it's the great part—is that everything…

558
00:37:14,698 --> 00:37:21,805
everything inside me, the mother in me, was just saying, "Go."

559
00:37:21,805 --> 00:37:23,641
It was time for him to go.

560
00:37:48,966 --> 00:37:53,570
I saw her hands changing color.

561
00:37:53,570 --> 00:37:55,639
They were getting blue and I said, "Are you cold?"

562
00:37:55,639 --> 00:37:59,743
Is she cold?"

563
00:37:59,743 --> 00:38:05,749
And then it seemed that Mary was having trouble breathing.

564
00:38:05,749 --> 00:38:09,220
So we let the nurse know and she came in and gave her a shot

565
00:38:09,220 --> 00:38:13,657
to make her more comfortable, and she was gone.

566
00:38:13,657 --> 00:38:17,828
She just stopped.

567
00:38:17,828 --> 00:38:18,329
Everything just stopped.

568
00:38:28,139 --> 00:38:32,042
I touched her, I rubbed her arm, my sister did,

569
00:38:32,042 --> 00:38:34,845
we said our good-byes.

570
00:38:34,845 --> 00:38:38,482
I stayed for a little bit.

571
00:38:38,482 --> 00:38:45,356
And then they were coming to take her away and I just left.

572
00:38:55,832 --> 00:38:56,901
Did she wear dentures?

573
00:38:56,901 --> 00:38:58,969
No.

574
00:38:58,969 --> 00:39:00,070
She's got her own teeth.

575
00:39:00,070 --> 00:39:02,106
Okay.

576
00:39:02,106 --> 00:39:03,740
And no valuables are going with her,

577
00:39:03,740 --> 00:39:05,108
and the death certificate is here.

578
00:39:05,108 --> 00:39:09,947
Okay.

579
00:39:09,947 --> 00:39:12,416
One, two, three.

580
00:39:19,489 --> 00:39:22,225
"To undertake is to bind oneself to the performance

581
00:39:22,225 --> 00:39:25,529
of a task, to pledge or promise to get it done."

582
00:39:31,902 --> 00:39:34,738
"Among the several duties of a funeral director is, of course,

583
00:39:34,738 --> 00:39:38,909
the disposal of the dead for the living's sake.

584
00:39:38,909 --> 00:39:43,814
The dead I bury and burn are like the dead before them

585
00:39:43,814 --> 00:39:48,352
for whom time and space have become mortally unimportant.

586
00:39:48,352 --> 00:39:53,156
Whatever being the dead have now,

587
00:39:53,156 --> 00:39:55,226
they have by the living's faith alone."

588
00:40:32,196 --> 00:40:33,263
Go ahead, son.

589
00:40:33,263 --> 00:40:34,331
You can fill that.

590
00:40:54,551 --> 00:40:57,388
When we bring someone hereto the funeral home

591
00:40:57,388 --> 00:40:58,755
from the place where they've died, the first thing we do

592
00:40:58,755 --> 00:41:02,726
is place them onto the embalming table.

593
00:41:02,726 --> 00:41:05,228
And then we make an assessment of the condition

594
00:41:05,228 --> 00:41:08,332
of the individual's body.

595
00:41:08,332 --> 00:41:13,237
Their hands are positioned,

596
00:41:13,237 --> 00:41:17,741
their head is placed on a block to position it.

597
00:41:17,741 --> 00:41:19,876
And then we set the features, the terminology

598
00:41:19,876 --> 00:41:22,812
for closing one's eyes and closing the mouth,

599
00:41:22,812 --> 00:41:26,683
setting and positioning the features so that there's

600
00:41:26,683 --> 00:41:29,686
a pleasant appearance, if that's at all possible.

601
00:41:29,686 --> 00:41:31,488
It'll be right in here.

602
00:41:31,488 --> 00:41:36,359
You'll see the blueness of the vein first.

603
00:41:36,359 --> 00:41:37,027
Is that it right there or is that a muscle?

604
00:41:37,027 --> 00:41:37,728
That's the vein.

605
00:41:58,582 --> 00:42:03,253
Work the fingers side to side and try to release

606
00:42:03,253 --> 00:42:05,222
any of the rigor mortis that's there.

607
00:42:12,629 --> 00:42:16,599
After someone's embalmed, the first things I try to see

608
00:42:16,599 --> 00:42:20,937
are what sort of positive things have happened

609
00:42:20,937 --> 00:42:23,140
as a result of the embalming—

610
00:42:23,140 --> 00:42:28,579
the filling out of their tissues,

611
00:42:28,579 --> 00:42:32,416
someone's coloration changing to more of a normal pigment.

612
00:42:56,473 --> 00:42:58,208
What I'm really trying to achieve is, you know,

613
00:42:58,208 --> 00:43:02,445
a sense of realism;

614
00:43:02,445 --> 00:43:05,916
not so much that you're trying to beautify someone

615
00:43:05,916 --> 00:43:12,756
as that you're trying to identify someone.

616
00:43:12,756 --> 00:43:14,691
But no matter what size paintbrush you use,

617
00:43:14,691 --> 00:43:19,363
it's impossible to erase death's after-effects.

618
00:43:24,735 --> 00:43:30,841
I think the sheer motionlessness of someone—

619
00:43:30,841 --> 00:43:33,944
eyes closed, mouth closed, you know—

620
00:43:33,944 --> 00:43:36,713
no matter what pleasant expression someone has,

621
00:43:36,713 --> 00:43:40,284
the stillness about the room, the flat pulse,

622
00:43:40,284 --> 00:43:42,653
I think, you can feel that.

623
00:43:54,030 --> 00:43:59,703
When my father died, I remember seeing the body

624
00:43:59,703 --> 00:44:05,141
on the table, horizontal, and I remember thinking,

625
00:44:05,141 --> 00:44:10,280
"This is what my father will look like when he's dead."

626
00:44:10,280 --> 00:44:13,049
And then I can remember thinking,

627
00:44:13,049 --> 00:44:17,520
"This is my father dead."

628
00:44:17,520 --> 00:44:21,858
And it was like a door closing between tenses, you know,

629
00:44:21,858 --> 00:44:26,930
not "This is… this is what he'll look like, this is him."

630
00:44:26,930 --> 00:44:32,869
It's going from the idea of the thing to the thing itself,

631
00:44:32,869 --> 00:44:37,007
seeing what we know to be true and don't want to be true.

632
00:44:48,852 --> 00:44:52,222
I was shaking before I saw him, you know,

633
00:44:52,222 --> 00:44:56,960
the first time in the casket, and then I take one look

634
00:44:56,960 --> 00:44:59,997
and I'm, like…he looked beautiful to me.

635
00:44:59,997 --> 00:45:02,266
I mean, there he was, you know.

636
00:45:02,266 --> 00:45:05,535
Yeah, he was so peaceful.

637
00:45:05,535 --> 00:45:12,375
I think the part that was hard is knowing

638
00:45:12,375 --> 00:45:16,179
that I wouldn't be able to hold him,

639
00:45:16,179 --> 00:45:21,318
realizing that he really was gone from his body

640
00:45:21,318 --> 00:45:24,855
and not, you know, coming back to me,

641
00:45:24,855 --> 00:45:31,161
and… even though, again, my logical mind understands,

642
00:45:31,161 --> 00:45:37,133
it's a hard realization.

643
00:45:37,133 --> 00:45:39,802
We bless you now, Anthony John, with this holy water,

644
00:45:39,802 --> 00:45:41,838
that recalls the day you were reborn

645
00:45:41,838 --> 00:45:44,607
in the living waters of baptism…

646
00:45:44,607 --> 00:45:46,476
I know there's things I want to believe, you know?

647
00:45:46,476 --> 00:45:48,512
I want to believe in a heaven,

648
00:45:48,512 --> 00:45:52,082
I want to believe that I'll see him again.

649
00:45:52,082 --> 00:45:54,017
You know, I want some connection with him to know

650
00:45:54,017 --> 00:45:57,420
that I can have that even when his life here is gone.

651
00:45:57,420 --> 00:46:04,861
(priest chanting)

652
00:46:04,861 --> 00:46:08,698
I think a lot of people have questions with religion,

653
00:46:08,698 --> 00:46:12,502
and certainly none of us knows for sure

654
00:46:12,502 --> 00:46:15,105
what happens, you know, after we pass.

655
00:46:15,105 --> 00:46:20,911
And there's a strangeness about sending your child first.

656
00:46:20,911 --> 00:46:25,682
I kind of feel like I have to take my own chances

657
00:46:25,682 --> 00:46:29,586
when the time comes, and I do that on my own terms.

658
00:46:29,586 --> 00:46:33,723
And I'm willing to accept the unknown for myself,

659
00:46:33,723 --> 00:46:37,227
but when you have to send someone first,

660
00:46:37,227 --> 00:46:38,629
it's harder to swallow.

661
00:46:45,969 --> 00:46:48,138
I was happy we had carried Anthony.

662
00:46:48,138 --> 00:46:49,505
That meant a lot to me.

663
00:46:49,505 --> 00:46:52,775
Mm-hmm.

664
00:46:52,775 --> 00:46:55,345
I didn't really want anyone to do it except the two of us.

665
00:46:55,345 --> 00:47:00,784
I was glad we did that.

666
00:47:00,784 --> 00:47:05,521
We decided at the cemetery, right then,

667
00:47:05,521 --> 00:47:07,357
that we would lower him with our fathers.

668
00:47:07,357 --> 00:47:08,825
Yeah.

669
00:47:08,825 --> 00:47:09,660
Yeah.

670
00:47:21,772 --> 00:47:25,208
For me, it wasn't as difficult

671
00:47:25,208 --> 00:47:28,611
as, like, taking his body from the house,

672
00:47:28,611 --> 00:47:32,816
putting it in the car or closing the casket.

673
00:47:32,816 --> 00:47:37,153
I think for me, once the casket was closed,

674
00:47:37,153 --> 00:47:43,393
that part was closed and I kept focusing on the fact

675
00:47:43,393 --> 00:47:49,065
that the part of him that wasn't just his body was really gone.

676
00:47:49,065 --> 00:47:52,201
So, at that point for me it was, you know, his precious remains,

677
00:47:52,201 --> 00:47:56,206
you know, a place I like to go back to, but not him.

678
00:47:56,206 --> 00:47:59,709
So, there's the missing of him,

679
00:47:59,709 --> 00:48:04,113
knowing that now he's out of my reach.

680
00:48:04,113 --> 00:48:08,318
But for me, that part was more his remains

681
00:48:08,318 --> 00:48:12,022
and a reverent moment, but not as painful for me

682
00:48:12,022 --> 00:48:14,825
as the other two.

683
00:49:06,843 --> 00:49:09,780
"I'd rather it be February—

684
00:49:09,780 --> 00:49:12,281
the month I first became a father in,

685
00:49:12,281 --> 00:49:15,252
the month my father died.

686
00:49:15,252 --> 00:49:17,721
I want it cold.

687
00:49:17,721 --> 00:49:19,856
I want a mess made in the snow

688
00:49:19,856 --> 00:49:22,992
so that the earth looks wounded, forced open,

689
00:49:22,992 --> 00:49:28,131
an unwilling participant.

690
00:49:28,131 --> 00:49:32,402
Forego the tent, stand openly to the weather,

691
00:49:32,402 --> 00:49:36,606
get the larger equipment out of sight— it's a distraction—

692
00:49:36,606 --> 00:49:38,708
but have the sexton,

693
00:49:38,708 --> 00:49:44,380
all dirt and indifference, remain at hand.

694
00:49:44,380 --> 00:49:47,317
Go to the hole in the ground.

695
00:49:47,317 --> 00:49:49,152
Stand over it.

696
00:49:49,152 --> 00:49:50,520
Look into it.

697
00:49:50,520 --> 00:49:53,589
Wonder and be cold.

698
00:49:53,589 --> 00:49:55,759
But stay until it's over.

699
00:49:55,759 --> 00:49:58,795
Until it's done."

700
00:50:05,635 --> 00:50:08,005
(birds chirping)

701
00:50:25,755 --> 00:50:27,991
(clock ticking)

702
00:50:55,085 --> 00:50:57,787
What I've written is that, while the dead don't care,

703
00:50:57,787 --> 00:51:01,524
the dead matter.

704
00:51:01,524 --> 00:51:02,893
The dead matter to the living.

705
00:51:08,097 --> 00:51:11,567
In accompanying the dead,

706
00:51:11,567 --> 00:51:14,036
getting them where they need to go,

707
00:51:14,036 --> 00:51:20,376
we get where we need to be—to the edge of that oblivion

708
00:51:20,376 --> 00:51:22,878
and then returned to life with the certain knowledge

709
00:51:22,878 --> 00:51:25,082
that life has changed.