Mitch Hedberg - 5 minutes special

Harland: Alright Mitch. Just about to step on stage

at Just For Laughs Montreal.

How ya feeling, Big Daddy?

Mitch: Oh, I think it's gonna go good.

I feel the crowd in there. They're really laughing
hard so I'm excited.

I got some ideas that I might try. Ya know, hopefully it'll fly.

We'll see.

Harland: You got any little butterflies or insects

in your stomach or anything?

Mitch: chuckel Yeah man, totally, always.

I like to move back and forth so that
could be some insect affect right there.

Harland: Is it like a millipede? I just called you a millipede.

Mitch: But I'm so many legs short of that, man.

Harland: I know ya've only got 2. Why did I do that to you?

Why did I play the race card?

Mitch: Call me a dos-a-pede.

Hardland: He's a dos-a-pede.

MC: And now, a man who sees the world
through rose colored glasses, literally,

It's Mitch Hedberg!

Mitch: Thank you, this is my favorite
place to perform comedy.

A big room...

Packed; I like this ya know I was here in 1998
and I performed here.

I had a pretty good set here,
ya know I thought I was cool.

People laughed a lot, ya know?

But then they didn't bring me back for 3 years now.

So tonight I'm gonna try to suck.

Maybe that'll get me back next year.

I don't really like beer. I like to have a Jack and Coke,

but they won't let us have it back there.

One time I had a Jack and Coke with a lime in it.

And I saw that the lime was floating...

That's good news man.
Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes...

I will reach for a lime.

I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver on.

People will say "What the hell?", and I'll pull out a lime.

And a lemon, too...

I'm saved by the bouyancy of citrus.

I thought my teeth were white until I
washed my face with Noxzema.

They are off-white.

I'm not even white, I'm off-white.

It's a new race; we will prevail.

You know when it comes to racism, people say,

"I don't care of they're black, white,
purple, or green."

Aw, hold on now. Purple or green?

Ya gotta draw the line somewhere.

To hell with purple people.

Unless they're suffocating.

Then help 'em.

I'm staying a hotel right now. There's no
13th floor because of superstition.

But come on man, the people on the 14th floor,

you know what floor you're really on.

If you jump out of the 14th floor, hoping to
kill yourself, you will die earlier.

13 is an unlucky number. If 13 is an unlucky number

then so should the letter B be.

Because B looks like a scrunched together 13.

Hello, what is your name? "Bob."

Get the hell away!

I saw a commercial for an above ground pool.
It was 30 seconds long.

You know why? Because that's the maximum
amount of time that you

can depict yourself having fun
in an above ground pool.

If it was 31 seconds the people in
the pool would be going,

"What the hell? What am I supposed to do now?

The water's only up to here.

What should I do? Throw the ball back to Jimmy?

Or put on some goggles and look at his feet?

I was gonna stay overnight at my friend's house.

He said "you're gonna have to sleep on the floor."

Damn Gravity. Got me again.

You don't know how bad I wanna sleep on the wall.

I bought a house. I bought a 2 bedroom house.

But it's up to me how many bedrooms there
are though, isn't it?

This bedroom has an oven in it.

This bedroom has a lot of people
sittin' around watchin' TV.

This bedroom is AKA a hallway.

This bedroom's over in that guy's house.

Sir, you have one of my bedrooms.

I got a kingsize bed. I don't know any kings.

But if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Oh you're a king you say? Well you won't
believe what I have in store for you.

It's to your exact specifications.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twinsize
bed wondering where my brother was.

See, I live in the US. If you're in the US
and you can trick someone

into thinking they're in Canada,
you can get more money for a magazine.

I was at a convenience store reading a magazine, and the clerk said,

"This is not a library."

And I said, "Alright, I will talk louder then."

I was at a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich,

but I don't think the waitress understood me because she said,

"How would you like your eggs?".

So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said, "Incubated".

And then raised, and then beheaded,
and then plucked, and then cut up.

And then put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun.

Damn, it's gonna take a while.

I don't have time. Scrambled.

I had a cold sore, I put some Carmex on it.

Carmex is supposed to heal cold sores.
I don't know if it does.

But it will make them shiny and more noticeable.

Thank you so much, thank you.

applause

Captioned by Jeff