How to Reconcile Differences in a Marriage

<How To Reconcile Differences
in a Marriage>

(Questioner) I'm getting freer
than before by watching your video,

thank you so much.

But I still have a long way to be free,
so I have a question about that.

My wife and I have
very different perspectives, opinions

and also priorities in the life.

For example, she wants me to clean
something right away,

but I don't want to because I have
other priorities, like cooking.

My question is, should I try to fit in?

I've asked a lot of people
who have been marriage for a long time,

and they said, "You have to fit in
because if the other persons

isn't willing to fit in, it won't work."

Actually, I feel bad because she doesn't
seem to care about this point.

I'm kind of delicate and considerate,
but she's like a general.

She doesn't think as much about life
or things in general,

while I tend to think
a lot about everything.

One thing I want to mention is
that in a marriage,

we need to have a consensus
on almost everything.

I want to let her be the way she is,

but we still need to reach
an agreement on things.

So, we have a different perspectives
and I'm wondering how to handle this.

(Sunim) If you were to get your way
and not clean,

you might feel better about it,
but the house will end up dirty.

That is not beneficial
for the education of your children.

In a way, if she's good at cleaning,
although I'm not as good or motivated,

that's a good thing, right?
So, you just feel grateful for it.

If she ask you to clean,
then it's a good thing, right?

So just follow
whatever she tells you.

Like your friend said, just follow
what your wife tells you ,basically.

The problem is, if you continue
following and doing everything

your wife tells you,
you'll end up stressed.

If you're grateful and appreciate
how great she is at cleaning,

then you just say I'm sorry,
but still hold that gratitude.

It's the best way for you
not to get stressed out.

But at the same time, you feel
that insistence that you're right.

It's not that important
why she gets upset or obsessed

with cleaning
and make you stress out.

In the end, getting stressed out is
actually worse than keeping a clean house.

In that sense, don't listen to your wife
(Audience Laughter)

because it's more important
for you not to get stressed.

In that sense, the consequences is
that you have to listen to her negging.

The question shouldn't be,
"Way is she nagging me?"

You need to understand that
she has the right to nag,

so all you can do is apologize,
for example.

That's how you should deal
with the situation.

If at all possible,
the best solution is to listen to her,

but since you're not a slave,
you don't have to obey

everything she says.

Sometimes you can do
what you want.

But when you do that,
you just apologize to your wife,

"I'm sorry,"
and then you do what you want.

(Sunim) Do you have any follow up?

(Questioner) For example, we have
a different opinion about vacation.

She loves to go on vocations,
but I prefer staying home.

In my view, there is no right
or wrong in this situation.

So, how can we come
to decision about this?

(Sunim) If you want to stay married,
it's probably best to listen to your wife.

(Audience Laughter)

But if that's too hard,
you can get divorced.

It's not a difficult thing.

If you get divorced,
you're just back to square one,

because before you got married,
you're never married in the first place.

Being married is about
compromising and finding ways

to align perspectives
with each other.

Marriage isn't about two people
agreeing on everything,

but coming together
and living together.

It's two people,
who don't agree on everything,

coming together, compromising,
and learning to listening.

Let's just step back and look at
how people's relationships form.

When we meet strangers,
we don't expect them to be just like us.

You start talking to a stranger
and realize, "Oh, he is Korean, too."

and you feel a little closeness.

Then you find out you're both Christians,
so you have even more in common.

Next, you find out you're
from the same hometown or region,

and you become even closer.

You ask for each other's hobbies,
and they turn out to be similar.

The more commonalities you share,
the friendlier the connection becomes.

Eventually, that relationship may deepen
leading to love and marriage.

It's kind of fun to think about
how your brain functions.

When you find out you have 1, 2, 3
or 10 to 20 things in common,

your brain tends to jump to the conclusion
that everything will align,

possibly leading to marriage.

But when you start to living together,
you realize there are differences,

like cleanliness or how spicy
the food should be.

And that’s when you see
you’re not as similar as you thought.

Then your brain flips
and assumes the opposite

that you have nothing in common,
that your personalities just don't match,

and you don't like the same things,
so you think you can't live together.

That's why sometimes
relationships end,

because you got married
thinking you were so alike.

After a divorced,
when you start dating again,

you begin to realize
maybe it was a mistake.

Whether you dated for a short time
or married after years of dating,

living in a marriage is
not that different.

Of course, you might have less in common
with someone you only dated briefly.

But since your brain hasn't made
that assumption

that you're completely alike,
you actually start discovering

more things in common
as you live together in marriage.

It's because when your expectations are
lower, you're less disappointed.

But after dating for a long time,
your expectation gets really high.

Then, once you're married
and live together,

you realize the reality of marriage
doesn't quite meet those expectations.

Then your disappointment
gets relatively larger.

Whether you marry a stranger
or someone you've dated for 10 years,

marriage doesn't turn out
that different.

In the past, people often didn't see
each other before getting merried,

and divorce was rare.

These days, you date for a long time
and even live together

before getting married,
yet, the divorce rate is sky high.

Marriage is about recognizing
that you're different

and still coming together in harmony.

What's the easiest way to
compromise?

The easiest way to compromise is
for you to give in

because you can chose to do so.

The hardest way is

trying to make other person
follow your desires and wants.

In that sense,
it's not entirely up to you,

it's up to the other person
and their preferences.

But most of the time,
I see everyone chooses

the most difficult way,
not the easiest way.

Spiritual practice is
all about following the easiest path.

Since you chose the most difficult path,
obviously, you're going to be stressed.

So I want you to live with that stress.