Ellen DeGeneres at Tulane's 2009 Commencement Speech

Ellen DeGeneres addresses Tulane University's graduating 'Katrina Class' - 16-May-2009

Thank you, President Cowan,
Mrs. President Cowan,

(audience laughs)

distinguished guests,

undistinguished guests,

you know who you are,

(audience laughs)

honored faculty,
and creepy Spanish teacher.

(audience laughs)

And thank you to all the graduating
class of 2009,

I realize most of you are hung over
and have splitting

headaches and haven't slept
since Fat Tuesday

but you can't graduate till I finish,
so listen up!

(audience cheers and applauses)

When I was asked to make
the commencement speech

I immediately said yes,

then I went to look up
what commencement meant,

(audience laughs)

which would have been easy if I had
a dictionary but most of the books

in our house are Portia's
and they are all written in Australian.

(audience laughs)

So, I had to break the word
down myself,

to find out the meaning.

Commencement.
Common and cement.

(audience laughs)

Common cement.

You commonly see cement on sidewalks.

Sidewalks have cracks and if you step
on a crack you break your mothers back.

(audience laughs)

So there's that.

(audience laughs)

But I'm honored that you've asked me here
to speak at your common cement.

(audience laughs)

I thought that you had to be a famous
alumnus, alumini, aluminum, alumus,

you had to graduate from the school.

(audience laughs)

I didn't go to college, here,
and I don't know if President Cowan knows,

I didn't go to college at all,
any college.

And I'm not saying you wasted your time
or money but look at me,

I'm a huge celebrity.

(audience laughs and applauses)

Although I did graduate
from the school of hard knocks,

our mascot was the knockers.

(audience laughs)

I spent a lot of time here growing up.

My mom worked at Newcom
and I would go there

every time I needed to steal
something out of her purse.

But why am I here today?
Clearly not to steal.

You're too far away
and I'd never get away with it.

I'm here because of you.

Because I can't think of a more tenacious,
more courageous graduating class.

I mean, look at you all
wearing your robes.

Usually when you're wearing a robe

at ten in the morning,
it means you've given up.

(audience laughs)

I'm here

(audience laughs)

because I love New Orleans.

I was born and raised here,
I spent my formative years here,

and like you, while I was living here,
I only did laundry six times.

(audience laughs)

When I finished school
I was completely lost.

And by school, I mean middle school,

but I went ahead and finished
high school anyway.

And I really had no ambition.

I didn't know what I wanted to do.
I did everything.

I shucked oysters, I was a hostess,
I was a bartender,

I was a waitress, I painted houses,
I sold vacuum cleaners,

I had no idea and I thought
I'd just finally settle on some job

and I would make enough money
to pay my rent,

maybe have basic cable, maybe not,
I didn't really have a plan.

My point, is that by the time
I was your age,

I really thought I knew who I was,
but I had no idea.

Like, for example, when I was your age,
I was dating men.

(audience laughs and cheers)

So what I'm saying is when your older,
most of you will be gay.

(audience laughs)

Is anybody writing this stuff down?

Parents?

(audience laughs)

(Ellen laughs)

Anyway, I had no idea
what I wanted to do with my life

and the way I ended up on this path
was from a very tragic event.

I was maybe 19

and my girlfriend at the time
was killed in a car accident.

And I passed the accident

and I didn't know it was her
and I kept going.

And I found out shortly after
that it was her.

And I was living in a basement apartment.

I had no money,
I had no heat, no air.

I had a mattress on the floor
and the apartment was infested with fleas.

And I was soul-searching.
I was like, "Why is she suddenly gone

and there are fleas here?
I don't understand.

There must be a purpose
and wouldn't it be so convenient

if we could just pick up the phone
and call God, and ask these questions.

And I started writing
and what poured out of me

was an imaginary conversation with God,
which was one-sided,

and I finished writing it
and I looked at it and I said to myself --

and I hadn't even been doing stand-up,
ever, there was no club in town --

I said, "I'm going to do this
on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson."

At the time he was the king, and I'm gonna be the

first woman on the history of the show to be called

over to sit down, and several years later

I was the first woman in the history of the show,

and the only woman in the history of the show,

to sit down, because of that phone conversation with

God that I wrote. And I started this path of standup

and it was successful, and it was great, but it was hard

because I was trying to please everybody, and I had this

secret that I was keeping that I was gay, and I thought that if

people found out they wouldn't like me and they wouldn't

laugh at me, then my career turned into -- I got my

own sitcom, and that was very successful, another level of

success, and I thought what if they find out I'm gay? Then they'll never watch...

This was a long time ago, this was just when we had

White presidents. This was back, many years ago.

And I finally

decided that I was living with so much shame and so

much fear that I just couldn't live that way anymore

and I decided to come out, and make it creative

and my character would come out at the same time

and it wasn't to make a political statement, it wasn't

to do anything but free myself from this heaviness that I was

carrying around, and I just wanted to be honest, and I thought "What's the worst

that could happen? I could loose my careeer..."

I did.

I lost my career.

The show was cancelled after six years without even telling

me, I read it in the paper.

The phone didn't ring for three years

I had no offers, nobody wanted to touch me

at all

And yet, I was getting letters from kids

who almost committed suicide, but didn't

because of what I did

and I realized that I had a purpose

and it wasn't about me, and about celebrity

and I felt like I was being punished

and it was a bad time

and I was angry and I was sad

and then I was offered a talk show

and the people that offered me the talk show

tried to sell it, and most stations

didn't want to pick it up

most people didn't want to buy it because they

thought nobody would watch me

and really when I look back on it, I wouldn't

change a thing, because really it was so

important that I loose everything because I found

out what the most important thing is, is to be true

to yourself

and ultimately, that's what has gotten me to this place

I don't live in fear, I'm free, I don't have any secrets

and I know I'll always be OK because no matter

I know who I am.

So in conclusion, when I was younger

I thought success was something different

I thought, when I grow up, I want to be famous, I want to be a star

I want to be in movies, I want to see the world

drive nice cars, I wanna have groupies.

To quote the Pussy Cat Dolls.

how many people thought it was boobies

by the way?

It's not -- its groupies

but my idea of success is different today

and as you'll grow, you will realize your definition of

success changes.

For many of you, today success is

being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila

for me, the most important thing in your life is to

live your life with integrity

and not to give in to peer pressure to try to be

something that you're not.

To live your life as an honest and compassionate person

to contribute in some way.

so to conclude my conclusion

follow your passion, stay true to yourself

never follow someone else's path

unless your in the woods and your lost

and you see a path, then by all means

you should follow that

Don't give advice, it'll come back and bite you in the ass

don't take anyone's advice.

So my advice to you is to

be true to yourself and everything will be fine

and I know a lot of you are concerned about your future

but there is no need to worry, the economy is booming

the job market is wide open

the planet is just fine

it's gonna be great

You have already survived a hurricane

what else can happen to you?

And as I mentioned before, sometimes the most devestating

things that happen to you will teach you the most

and now you know the right questions to ask

for your first job interview, like, "Is it above sea level?"

so to conclude my conclusion that I've previously

concluded in my common cement speech

I guess what I'm trying to say is that life is like one big

Mardi Gras, but instead of showing people your boobs

show em your brain, and if they like what they see

you'll have more beads than you'll know what to do with

and you'll be drunk.

Most of the time.

So to the class of 2009 I say congratulations

and if you don't remember a thing I said today

just remember, you're gonna be OK

dum-do-do-du-dum

just dance