I Tried Anti-Aging TikToks

Folks

You guys ever think about how every
passing second brings us just a little bit

closer to death?
Yeah, me neither.

I feel like I say this all the time, but I
just turned 30 and I'll be honest,

I'm feeling it. I remember being a kid and
hearing my dad complain about his

back pain, and then in my head I was like,
'damn, that must suck. Good thing it's

never gonna happen to me though!'
But alas! Here I am!

If I sleep incorrectly, I have to take an
Advil. Last summer I rode a roller coaster

and I had a headache for a week.
I'm being slowly dragged to hell and I can

feel it. But aging is a part of life, ok?
It's inevitable. We're all aging all the

time, that's quite literally how the human
body works. But for as long as us humans

have been around, we have been trying to
fight this natural decay that we all

experience. And anti-aging content has
been around for a while, but lately I've

seen an increase in popularity of anti-
aging products and techniques on TikTok

specifically and I thought it'd be fun if
we took a look at them today.

I should say I haven't seen a lot
personally because my For You page is

all the way cooked. It's fuckin' burnt to
a crisp.

But my wife has seen a lot of these videos
she's actually the one who gave me this

video idea. So everybody say thank you
Jenna on three. One two three

Thank you, Jenna!

So first off, I think that it's important
that we talk about the history of

anti-aging products and techniques because
the concept of anti-aging in itself is

very old and wrinkly, gross, yuck.

Even dating all the way back to 69 BCE,
hilarious year by the way.

In the year 69 BCE, Cleopatra apparently
took daily baths in donkey milk in order

to maintain a youthful look.
Now I know why the dragon from Shrek looks

so young. It's all that donkey milk.

And in the year 1513, Juan Ponce de Léon
risked his life and set off on a journey

to find the fabled fountain of youth.
A spring that was said to provide eternal

life. He never actually found the fountain
of youth, but what he found was even

better.

Florida.

And that is real. He went out to find the
fountain of youth and he found the fucking

opposite. Florida. That is the opposite of
the fountain of youth. Because most people

down there look like an old leather couch.
People from Florida, their skin looks like

a black metal band's logo. And there's
tons of stories like this throughout

history. Apparently Elizabethan women
placed thin slices of raw meat directly on

their face. I'm sure their husbands were
pretty stoked on that.

But one of the first anti-aging products
ever was released to the public in 1889

and they were called Frownies. These were
like little adhesive patches that hold

your skin tight so you don't develop
wrinkles. And the origin story of this

product is pretty interesting. So the
inventor of Frownies apparently noticed

some frown lines on her daughter and she
immediately got to work on a product that

could fix her daughter's wrinkly fucked up
face. Gosh I wonder why her daughter was

frowning so much in the first place, you
know? Guess we'll never know.

And since the release of Frownies in 1889,
the anti-aging world has grown

exponentially. There's anti-aging creams,
lotions, pillows, supplements, diets,

procedures, you can pretty much sell
anything you want to people if you just

tell them it will make them look younger.
That being said, buying tickets to my

shows, and also buying my merch will
actually make you look 10 years younger.

It's crazy. It's also not lost on me that
like 99% of anti-aging products and

procedures are marketed directly towards
women. You know, in this patriarchal

society we live in,
cause we do live in a society.

From an early age the pressure and, like,
proposed importance of maintaining a

youthful image is absolutely drilled into
girls' brains through various forms of

media and marketing.
There's this fucked up idea that, like,

women's most valuable asset is their youth
which is, number one, incorrect and two,

weird as fuck. It's like when you hear
people talk about an older celebrity and

they're like, 'wow she looks so nice for
her age!'

And it's like, yeah I don't know if you
needed those last three words.

You could just say someone looks good,
you know?

It's crazy cause it's kind of the opposite
for dudes. We've kind of, like, tricked

the world into thinking that men get more
attractive as they age.

And don't get me wrong, that is true for
some dudes, but most old guys?

Uhhh? Woof.

If you think dudes get hotter with age,
you take a trip down to the fountain of

death. AKA Florida. And you'll see what
most old men look like.

But I've never personally felt the, like,
societal pressure to hold onto my youth as

a man.

"I'm a man."

But it happens all the time with girls
and it's still happening today.

"Here's some things that I do to slow down
the aging process as a 14 year old.

I started doing most of these things at
12. Number one, I take two apple cider

vinegar pills, I do this twice a day.
Number two, I use a retinol twice a day.

Next is, I love Korean skincare and I do
two face masks a day."

Call me crazy but I think a literal child
having an anti-aging routine

is a little dystopian. Because it's like
you're already young. Why are you doing an

anti-aging video? That's like if you saw a
TikTok of Jeff Bezos and he was like,

'This is how I have fun on a budget.'

It's like, dude, you don't need to worry
about that, man.

And look, I'm not gonna sit here and tell
you what procedures not to get or what

products not to use. It's your body, your
decision. But I just hope with people who

are doing these anti-aging procedures and
stuff, I just hope they're doing it for

the right reason.
And again, I'm not smart.

If you want a deep, insightful commentary
on this topic, or fucking any topic,

you're at the wrong- you're watching the
wrong guy. You got the wrong guy.

But I guess anti-aging, you know,
it's not inherently bad, but with every

other fucking thing on this planet, some
people are taking it a little too far.

And I thought it'd be interesting to
actually try out some of these anti-aging

techniques / products and see if they have
any actual effect. But first, we have to

actually find out how to reverse my age.
So I think we need to go to the most

reliable place on the internet to find
well-documented, peer-reviewed information

on this subject.

Tiktok!

"You're not ugly or old, but your inner
dialog might be. If you want the ultimate

glow-up, you won't find it in a bottle,
but in the power of positive affirmations"

Ding ding ding! You said the magic word!

"Start speaking and thinking youthful
thoughts." Okay...

"Because your thoughts shape your reality"

Positive affirmations, manifesting, that's
a classic with this type of shit.

Manifesting was a huge part of the video
where I did, where I took a vision healing

masterclass, so I'm pretty familiar with
the concept, alright? This ain't my first

rodeo. And hey, if it works for you,
that's wicked.

But the thing I'm confused about,
she tells people to 'think and speak

youthful thoughts'.

"Start speaking and thinking youthful
thoughts."

What, what is that? What even is a
youthful thought?

'Woah, he's so deep in thought
I wonder what he's thinking about.'

'Just a widdle baby. I make boom boom in
my dipey and I miss my mommy. I wuv

Cocomelon so much.'

'Oh my god, what's that smell?
Dude, did you shit yourself?'

So this creator actually sells the exact
affirmations you need to say on her

website for $10, but I unfortunately can't
buy those cause I'm just a little baby

with no money.

So I found a video on YouTube called
Age Reversal Affirmations.

"Rekindle your spirit and ignite the
passion with these reverse aging

affirmations. Listen or repeat them for at
least 21 days in a row."

21 days in a row? What the f-
Dude, no sleeping, no eating,

no exercising, no doing any of the things
that will, like, keep you healthy

and also maintain a youthful appearance

Fuck all that.

You just sit in your fuckin' affirmations
cave for three weeks straight.