5 steps to remove yourself from drama at work

Alright. I have a close,
tight-knit circle of friends.

We're all in different cities
and we're all in different areas,

from local news to city government

to law, financial services ...

And despite those different areas,

we seem to share similar stories
of workplace drama.

Now, I define workplace drama as

an annoyance that adds
additional stress to the job.

So again, it's when people
get on your nerves,

not the job itself.

So as we're going through these stories,

I'm realizing there has to be a better way
for us to coexist with our coworkers

without this much drama.

So I created a few steps
that have been working for me,

and I'm happy to share them
with you guys today.

Step 1: rewind and reflect,

also known as, "What did I do?"

I want you guys to all replay
your most recent workplace drama situation

in your head like a movie.

Ignore all of the emotion
and just focus on you.

But for now, let's just
think about this hypothetical:

say you're on a group project,

you each have your own
individual assignments

and then you all divide up the work.

But then someone
becomes unresponsive --

not answering calls, they go ghost.

Then you or someone else has to now
pick up that additional slack.

So in a brief, small,
very tiny lapse in judgment,

you vent to the nearby coworker.

Then all of a sudden,
your ghost comes back,

and they surprisingly know
everything you just said.

(Laughter)

Now, what did I do in this situation?

I vented to someone
who was not my confidant.

Why would I do that?

Sometimes we create
this unspoken bond with people

that only exists in our heads.

They don't owe me their discretion.

I just assumed it was there.

So we're not going to go
down a rabbit hole,

trying to figure out why they did that.

It doesn't matter. They did it.

But the goal in this step
is self-reflection.

We need to focus on what did we do

so we can avoid it in the future.

Step 2: come back to reality,

also known as, "It needs to stop."

(Laughter)

So you guys ever think about problems
before you get to work?

Oh -- it's just me?

(Laughter)

Well, I'm guilty of it.

I think about all of these
situations in my head,

and then I get mad just thinking about it.

So I'm telling myself,
"No you're just being prepared, Stacy."

(Laughter)

"You are just making sure
that you can handle

whatever they're about to throw at you."

But you're not.

What you're really doing
is setting yourself up

and creating this anxiety in your head

that doesn't exist.

Then we also have to be careful about

listening to other people's
made-up scenarios.

Here's what I mean.

Let's say you're in the break room,

and you're talking to some coworkers.

Then, all of a sudden,
another coworker comes in.

Now, they seem to just be
in deep thought --

not overly cheerful, but they're not rude.

They come in, they walk out.

Then the coworkers over here
begin to diagnose

what they feel is wrong
with that person.

They're saying things like,

"Oh, they're just mad
they didn't get the job."

Or they're saying, "Oh, no, no, no --

during this season,
they're just always upset."

And you're sitting here
like, yep, that must be it.

You're listening to this
as if this is facts.

Meanwhile, this coworker
can be in deep thought

about literally anything.

They could have just opened
a pack of Starburst,

got four yellows back-to-back,

and they're just trying
to figure out what happened.

(Laughter) (Applause)

But you're over here listening.

And you're listening
to their made-up scenario

that now can impact

how you choose to interact
with that person throughout the day.

Whether we're creating
fake stories in our head

or listening to other people's
made-up stories,

it needs to stop.

The goal in this step:

stop stressing over things
that haven't happened.

Alright. Step 3:

vent and release.

It's good to have a vent buddy.

This is your coach, your cheerleader,

your therapist,

whatever you need them
to be in the moment.

This is not like that person in Step 1
that just happened to be in earshot.

You have an established relationship
with your vent buddy.

Now, here's another scenario.

You're getting ready to tell
a customer or a client

something that they
just don't want to hear.

So, as you're in the middle of this spiel,

up comes another coworker,

and they interrupt you

and then says the exact
same thing you were saying.

You can't make a scene
in front of a customer.

So you just have to sit back,
"Mm-hmm," and just listen as they do this.

And you're burning up inside.

So what do we do?

We go to our vent buddy.

We talk about it. We get mad.

And that's the time for that. Get mad.

Get angry.

Curse, scream,

do whatever you need to do
to get it out.

Now here's the hard part:

you then have to switch
that tone to positivity.

I truly believe in positive
and negative energy,

and it has a way of controlling
our moods throughout the day.

You've got to think of things like,
"OK, where do I go from here?

What can I do differently?"

And then, if you're the vent buddy,

it's your responsibility
to lead your friend back to the positive.

Now, the other hard part:

you have to then apply
those learnings to the situation.

You can't carry that resentment around.

If you do, that one-off situation
now becomes a pattern.

Pattern behavior is harder to ignore
than a one-off situation.

The goal in this step is,

"Let's turn our vent session
into a productive conversation."

Step 4:

learn a new language,

also known as, "We need to talk."

Guys, I personally don't like
to pick up the phone at work.

I just don't.

I feel like whatever you need to say to me
can be an instant message

or an email.

That is my work language.

(Laughter)

The only problem with that,

you can't hear tone through an email.

I read emails the same way I speak,

so I'm pretty sure I've misinterpreted
some tones before,

unless I know you.

So here's an example.

I'm going to show you guys an email,
and I want you to read it,

and then I'm going to read it out loud.

Alright, that was fast enough,
you should have read it.

(Laughter)

"Stacy,

Thank you for reading out about my group.

At this time, we will not need
any additional support.

Going forward, if I feel we need help,
I'll ask, you won't have to reach out.

Per my last email (attached below),

I've outlined what I do, and what you do,

so we can avoid this in the future.

As always, thank you
for your partnership!!"

Guys ...

(Laughter)

That's how you read it?

(Laughter)

Guys, there are certain words in there

that if you hear
or if you see in an email,

it is safe to assume
they typed it with their middle fingers.

(Laughter)

I didn't know it then. I know it now.

(Laughter)

I think I messed up some people's emails.
They're correcting them.

(Laughter)

With all of that said,

you have to know when it is time
to pick up the phone.

You have to know when it is time
to have a face-to-face.

And these face-to-face
conversations are not easy.

They are difficult,
but they are necessary.

The goal is to try to understand
the other person's perspective.

So you'll start the conversation
with things like,

"OK, you got upset when I ..."

Or you'll say things like,

"OK, you already had
the situation handled,

and then I ..."

So that way, you can see
exactly where they're coming from.

Also, don't try to make people like you.

We all have our own upbringings.
We all have our experiences.

And we all have our own
communication styles.

As the new generations
are entering the workforce,

we're also adapting to it.

Meetings are now emails.

Emails are now texts.

Off-sites are now Skype.

So as we're adjusting to that,

we need to at least try to understand

what type of style
of communication they use.

The goal in that step

is to really understand
their work language

and accept the fact
that it may be different than yours.

Step 5: recognize and protect,

also known as,
"We need to take a walk."

So here's my last scenario
from one of my teacher friends.

You're about to have
a meeting with a parent,

and prior to it, you and a coworker,
you kind of discuss it,

and the coworker tells you,
"It's alright, I got your back.

I'm going to agree
with your recommendations."

So you're kind of side-eying them
because they've burned you before,

but you've had the "we need to talk,"

so you're like, "We're in sync now,
I'm going to trust them."

You go through the meeting,

the parent disagrees with you,

and like clockwork, the coworker
agrees with the parent in front of you,

making you look ridiculous.

Again, we can't make a scene
in front of people, right?

So you've got to hold it in.

And then, after the meeting,

that same coworker has all the audacity,

comes up to you and says,
"Crazy meeting, right?"

(Laughter)

Yeah.

They're testing you now.
It's a test. (Laughs)

So that's the perfect time
to just go off, right?

This is a repeat offender.

(Laughter)

You walked away,
and they came back with it.

But we're trying to avoid workplace drama,
not take a cannonball leap into it,

so we have to walk away.

You lead that conversation
by taking the first available exit.

You're not doing this for them.

You're doing this for you.

You have to protect your energy.

Don't try to figure out
why they would do this,

and no more coming-to-Jesus conversations.

It is what it is, they did what they did,

and given the opportunity,
they'd probably do it again.

But you now know that.

You now recognize that.

So that way, you can act accordingly.

We typically try to set expectations --
our expectations --

on other people,

and then get disappointed
when they don't follow through.

We have to learn
to accept people where they are

and adjust ourselves
to handle those situations.

The goal in this step

is to recognize when it is time
to professionally walk away from someone.

Guys, I realize these steps may come off
as saying, "Take the high road."

And people always say it.
"Just take the high road."

And they describe it as some
elegant path of righteousness

filled with rainbows and unicorns.

It's not that.

It's embarrassing.

It's humiliating.

It leaves this knot of resentment
in the pit of your stomach.

And as you're traveling down
this amazing high road,

you see billboards of things
you shoulda said

and things you shoulda did.

You go over there
and you look at the easy road,

and they're chillin',
not worried about a thing.

But I have to admit,

the more I travel down this road,
it does get a little easier.

Petty situations, they don't
bother me as much.

I learn little nuggets here and there.

And as I continue down this path,

there seem to be more
opportunities waiting for me.

I have like-minded people
who want to connect with me,

projects that people want me on,

leaders reaching out

because they heard about me
through someone else.

And the best part?

The need to even look at the easy road

is no longer there.

Guys, we're not going to change
the way adults act in the workplace.

We are not.

And for that reason,
there will always be workplace drama.

But if we stick to these steps

and put in the work that comes with it,

we can learn to avoid it.

Guys, thank you for being my vent buddies.

(Laughter)

And thank you so much for your time.

(Applause)