Mitch Hedberg

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime

but I tried making it at home and there's more to it than that

Want some home-made Sprite?

Not 'til you figure out what the fuck else is in it

I like refried beans

that's why I want to try fried beans

'cause maybe they're just as good and we're wasting time

You don't have to fry them again after all

I eat a lot of sandwiches; Who doesn't, man?

Sandwiches are easy to eat

But I hate sandwiches at New York delis

Too much fucking meat on the sandwich

It's like a cow with a cracker on either side

"What would you like sir?"

"A pastrami sandwich"

"Anything else?"

"Yeah, a loaf of bread, and some other people"

"What kind of bread?"

"Rye - no, fuck, banana - you got banana bread?"

"What kind of cheese?"

"Cottage"

"Get the fuck out, I'm not making a banana bread pastrami cottage cheese sandwich"

"That would severely ruin my reputation"

I order the club sandwich all the time and I'm not even a member, man

I don't know how I get away with it

"I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread"

"So do I"

"Well let's form a club, then"

"Okay, but we need some more stipulations"

"Yes we do"

"Instead of cutting the sandwich once let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles"

"And we will position them into a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips"

"Or potato salad, okay"

"Let me ask you a question: how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?"

"I'm for 'em!"

"Well this club is formed"

"Spread the word on menus nationwide"

"Ill have my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts"

"Well you're not in the fuckin' club!"

I went to a pizzeria I ordered a slice of pizza and the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible

If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars

The fucker gave me the 'donated to charity' slice

I would like to exchange this for the 'keep it'!

Gotta have a drink here

I had a Mr. Pibb. Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica

'cause the dude didn't even get his degree

Why'd you have to drop out and start making pop so soon?

The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper

Well then they fucked up

I went to a doctor. All he did was suck blood from my neck

Don't go see Dr. Acula

I want to hang a map of the world in my house.

Then I'm gonna put pins in all the locations that I've traveled to.

But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

You, know, uh, people think I'm into sports just because I'm a man

I'm not into sports - I mean I like Gatorade, but that's about as it goes

And by the way you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade

You can just be a thirsty dude.

Gatorade forgets this demographic

I thirsty for absolutely no reason

Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time

Can I have a Gatorade too or does that lightning bolt mean no?

Yeah, I'm not into sports

if I had athelete's foot my first reaction would be "that's not my fucking foot"

I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box

I want to have my face on the cover of a Rice Crispies box

Snap, Crackle, Mitch, and Pop

Hey, how the fuck did he do that?

Hey, in Hollywood it's all who you know, and I know Crackle

I saw on HBO they were advertising this boxing match

They said it's a fight to the finish

That's a good place to end

Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way, right?

McDonald's commercials end like this: pricing and participation may vary

I want to open a McDonald's and not participate in anything

I want to be a stubborn McDonald's owner

I'll say "Cheeseburgers: nope"

"We got spaghetti!"

"And blankets"

"But we are not affiliated with that clown, he attracts too many children"

One time a guy handed me a picture and said "here's a picture of me when I was younger"

Every picture is of you when you were younger

Here's a picture of me when I'm older

You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off?

Let me see that camera

What's it look like?

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know

Very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know

Because what if they don't have a hand?

They'll think you're cocky

Look what I got mother fucker

This thing is useful

I'm gonna go pick something up

My sister wanted to be an actress; never made it

But she does live in a trailer

She got halfway

Says she's an actress she just called to the set

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield

but on a banana, it's just the opposite

green means "hold on"

yellow means "go ahead"

And red means "where the fuck did you get that banana at?"