ERB - Moses vs Santa

Epic Rap Battles of History

sweet robes, Obi

Wan-too-many days in the sun

stop preaching homie

teach your flock to covet some fun

I bring joy every year

man I represent cheer

you represent sandals

and a scraggly beard

I'm from the North Pole

that's why my rhymes are so cold

I spit diamonds

but I'm serving up some fresh coal

you been a naughty boy

you brought a plague of frogs

you best arrest yourself

you broke your own law

or was there something in rule six

I didn't understand?

my list says killed Egyptian dude

buried him in sand

I read your book

you got a strict religion

no bacon?

but mandatory circumcision

I'm a jolly bowl a jelly

giving holiday presents

but all the chosen people ever get

for Christmas is jealous

when I was high upon the mountain

God revealed the truths of the Earth

but he never mentioned

a fat ass Papa Smurf

it takes nine reindeers

to haul your fat ass

you took the Christ outta Christmas

and just added more mass

you need to stop breaking

into houses and creeping

and peeping on naughty kids

while they sleeping

and keep your hands off my stocking

don't you Ho Ho me

I'll split your ass in half

like I did the Red Sea

you ain't a saint you a slaver

like a pharaoh in the snow

stop with the unpaid labor

and let my little people go

we ain't slaves

all that sand turned your brains to mush

I think you need to stop smoking

all that burning bush

yeah we're magical workers man

we hang with reindeers

yo here's a GPS

who gets lost for 40 years?

you're a glorified secretary

so write this down

begat deez nutz

Santa Claus is coming to town

so much drama in the Israe-L B C

it's kinda hard talking directly

to the G O single D

hand me my chisel

I got a new commandizzle for y'all

thou shalt not let children

sit on a grown man's lap at the mall

I'll beat you ten times

before the bread can rise you dummy

and walk off into the land

of my milk and honies

who won?

who's next?

you decide